Carissima

by Rosanna Chiofalo

  “Si. But there is something else weighing on my mind.” And with no warning, I break down crying.

  “Francesca, what’s wrong?”

  “I cannot talk about it.”

  “Francesca, I like to think that we now have more than just a professional relationship. You have given me advice. Please, let me help you now.”

  “It is too terrible.”

  “I swear I will not tell anyone.”

  I stop crying and decide I need something stronger than sambuca. Walking over to the bar that sits below my kitchen counter, I take out a bottle of grappa.

  “Would you like some?”

  “No, thank you. My aunt made me try some, and I hated it.”

  “I suppose it is an acquired taste.”

  After drinking the grappa in one gulp, I pace the kitchen.

  “Maybe if I tell you, it will be easier later. But you must not breathe a word of this to anyone, and it goes without saying that it cannot appear either in the article for Profile or in my autobiography. My reputation would be ruined forever.”

  “I swear again I will tell no one.”

  “Not even Gregory or your aunt.”

  “I did say no one.”

  I stare directly into Pia’s eyes before I say, “If you do break my trust, you will pay dearly for it. Is that understood?”

  Pia nods her head and looks down. She is still just a child, trying to figure out who she is and what she wants in the world. But that is the exact reason why I must put the fear of God into her. After all, we make some of our most foolish—and gravest—mistakes when we are young.

  “I am going to make espresso. This is a very long story although I am certain it will keep you awake.”

  I pull out my stovetop moka espresso maker, which is also known as a moka pot. My hands shake as I measure the espresso grinds. Pia comes over and takes the espresso from me.

  “Let me do it.”

  “Do not fill the espresso too high.”

  “I know. I’ve been making espresso since I was a little girl. That’s all my mother drinks.”

  I nod my head and sit down once I am assured she is making it properly.

  “Would you like more rice pudding?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “So I will start my story while we wait for the espresso to be ready. Va bene?”

  “Whenever you’re ready.”

  “We were talking about first love when I saw you earlier today at the Antico Caffè Greco.”

  Pia nods her head, waiting patiently for me to continue.

  I swallow hard before continuing and keep my eyes averted from Pia’s.

  “I have not been completely forthcoming with you.”

  “I suspected as much, Francesca.”

  I look up at Pia surprised, but I have known from the first day I met her that she is a very smart young woman.

  “You asked me why I kept breaking off my engagements, and while the reasons I gave you were also true, they were not the primary motive for me.”

  “I figured that as well.” Pia stares at the intricate crochet weave of my tablecloth as she traces the shapes with her index finger.

  “Do not act like you have had the answers all along, Miss Santore.” I glower at Pia. She meets my gaze, but this time she does not look away.

  “I never assumed I had all the answers, Signorina Donata.” The espresso pot’s whistle breaks the tension between us. I begin to get up, but Pia beats me to it.

  “I’ve got it.”

  She takes two demitasse cups out of the cupboard and pours the espresso. As soon as she hands my cup to me, I take a long sip before continuing.

  “The main reason I did not marry any of the men I was engaged to is that I still had feelings for my first love.”

  “Mario Scarpone? Wait. I’m confused. Then why didn’t you marry him unless . . .” Pia’s voice trails off as recognition dawns on her. “Unless Mario was not your first love.”

  “Correct. Mario was not my first love. My first love’s name was Dante.”

  “That’s a beautiful name.”

  “Yes, and the name suited him. He was a beautiful person.” My eyes almost betray me as I remember the young Dante.

  “Giuliana was seventeen and I was fourteen when we first met Dante, who was just a year older than my sister. Dante was the son of the local pharmacist, and he came to our house to deliver antibiotics that my mother needed after suffering a respiratory infection. From that day forward, Giuliana and I would walk by the pharmacy every day to get a glimpse of Dante.

  “I had not begun developing yet. I was a late bloomer, if you can believe that.” Pia’s eyes drop to my figure, and I can see disbelief in her expression.

  “Pia, do you remember the photo of Giuliana that I showed you, when she was young?”

  “Of course I remember. She was stunning,” Pia says in a hushed whisper.

  “So it was no surprise that Dante would take a liking to Giuliana. Besides, she was closer in age to him than I was. He probably thought I was younger than my fourteen years since puberty had not paid my body a visit. My chest was as flat as the washboard we used to do our laundry. When Dante came to visit, the three of us would take walks together. But soon, Giuliana asked me to walk ahead of them so they could have a few minutes alone to talk. This angered me for I wanted to spend time with Dante. Though I knew he saw me as nothing more than a child, I did not care and still pined away for him. I honored Giuliana’s wish and walked a few feet in front of them, but I also made sure to interrupt them every two minutes or so. Soon, Giuliana stopped taking me with her when she went to visit Dante at the pharmacy. She made certain to leave a good half hour before the usual time we went, knowing that I was still in school and would not be able to follow her. I was so angry and jealous. But now looking back, I see I was not just envious of Giuliana having Dante all to herself, but I was also jealous that this boy had replaced me as my sister’s primary companion and confidante. I was hurt that she no longer asked me to join her when she went to the pharmacy. For once in her life, Giuliana was placing herself first before me, and I did not like it one bit. But in her defense, I do not think she realized how wounded I felt. She was falling in love with Dante, and as I am sure you are well aware, we are blind when Venus casts her spell.”

  “Wow. We actually have a lot in common. I felt the same way about my sister when she started dating someone seriously, not too long before she died. I felt like she’d forgotten about me, and her boyfriend was now the person she looked up to when it used to be me,” Pia says softly.

  “So you understand only too well, then.”

  Pia nods her head. “I’m sorry. Please go on.”

  “Not long after Giuliana stopped taking me with her to the pharmacy, Dante came to our house one Sunday for dinner. I will never forget that day. He looked the most handsome that I had ever seen him. And he was a true gentleman. He brought for Giuliana a bouquet of white and violet daisies tied with an ivory ribbon. From that moment on, Giuliana fell in love with daisies, and Dante showered her with them. He brought for my mother pastries from the best bakery in town, and for my father, he brought a box of fine cigars. He even gave me a gift of a giant swirl lollipop. But instead of being happy that he had included me in his thoughtfulness, I was enraged. For only children received lollipops. I almost cried in front of him when he handed me the gift. I thanked him and went to my room where I threw the lollipop at the wall, shattering it into little pieces.”

  “I can just picture a smaller version of you throwing a tantrum.” Pia laughs. I join her and hold my side from laughing so hard.

  “My temper has always gotten the better of me, even as a child. Anyway, Dante had come to dinner to ask my father’s permission to court Giuliana. My father granted it, and they were together every weekend and a few nights during the week when my mother chaperoned them for an evening passeggiata or stroll as you Americans call it. Giuliana was so happy. She would tell me about their dates and how
Dante would take her to see the newest cinema or buy her a gelato at the bar in town. I would go to bed and cry myself quietly to sleep since Giuliana and I shared a bedroom. I prayed to God every night and asked him to hurry up and make me grow so that I would capture Dante’s eyes. My prayers were answered three years later when I was discovered by a movie scout while I was at the beach.”

  “Did it also take three years for your curves to show up?” Pia asks me.

  “I began menstruating six months after Giuliana and Dante started dating seriously, and my breasts started growing. It was not until shortly after I turned fifteen that my body took a much more dramatic appearance. But Dante still did not notice me.

  “Once my village heard that I was going to be in a movie, everyone started paying attention to me, including Dante. Now every time he came to see Giuliana, he also brought a bouquet for me. Only mine contained jasmines instead of daisies. To show Dante how much I appreciated his flowers, I began wearing jasmine perfume, which only encouraged him to bring me more bouquets.”

  “Giuliana must have been jealous,” Pia says.

  “Not at first. Sweet soul that she had always been, she acted very well about it, thanking Dante for being so kind and considerate toward her younger sister. But soon, there was no denying that Dante was losing his interest in poor Giuli.” I stop as tears fall down my face.

  “Instead of taking Giuliana out for their passeggiatas, Dante just wanted to stay in our home and talk to me about the making of my first movie. On a few occasions, Giuliana became quite persistent that they go for a walk. But what did Dante do? He invited me to join them every time. And I always accepted. I could see how our actions were killing Giuliana on the inside, but Dante and I still openly flirted with each other. All of Giuliana’s efforts to lure her boyfriend back failed miserably. One night, I overheard Giuliana crying to my mother. I was shocked, for she was telling our mother that Dante was taken with me. Giuliana became hysterical and said it was not right. She was the older sister, and as such, it was her turn to fall in love and get married first. I was still young and would have plenty of suitors once my movie came out and made me famous. Giuliana never had any doubts that I would make it as a movie star. She was the only one who truly believed in me, probably because she knew when I set my sights on something I wanted terribly, I almost always got it. Our mother consoled her and told her Dante, like everyone else in our village, was just fascinated with me because I had been discovered. She assured Giuliana that there was nothing going on between Dante and me, and that he would be her husband if that was what she wanted.

  “But a month later, Dante ended his relationship with Giuliana. He told her the truth: that he had feelings for me and while he did not mean to hurt Giuliana, he could not ignore the powerful emotions he had developed. I was hiding behind a tree in the park where Dante had decided to break my sister’s heart. He had told me how and where he would do it. I could not resist witnessing, which was insane, but I suppose I needed to hear for myself that Dante would really end it with Giuliana. I have never given my trust easily, and I would not believe he would truly leave her unless I heard it for myself. Giuliana laughed after Dante proclaimed his desire for me. I will never forget that laugh. It was ugly and did not sound at all like the gentle sister I had grown up with.

  “She told Dante, ‘You are a stupid fool. Francesca already has an army of suitors. Listen to me, Dante, and listen well. Francesca will leave you once she gets bored. She is going to be a famous movie star. She will have no use for a simple man like you—the son of a local pharmacist. Francesca will never love you. The only person Francesca loves is herself.’

  “I ran out from my hiding place behind the tree and told Giuliana that was not true. I told her I had been in love with Dante since I first met him. I cried and said I never meant to hurt her and hoped she could forgive me one day. Giuliana slapped my face so hard that I lost my balance and almost fell, but Dante steadied me. Giuliana then said, ‘You are not my sister,’ and ran away. She avoided me as much as possible after that, which was easy to do since I was traveling back and forth to Rome to shoot my first movie, La Sposa Pazza.

  “A year later, La Sposa Pazza was released. Of course you know how successful the movie was and how it instantly made me rich and famous. I bought my family a lavish home in Taormina, which became my primary residence ten years ago when I dropped out of the spotlight. My agent insisted that I needed to leave my parents’ home and move to Rome immediately so that I would be closer to the Cinecittà movie studios. He had managed to sign me up for two more movies after La Sposa Pazza’s success. It was no longer feasible for me to live in Sicily and travel back and forth to Rome so much. Besides, I could not take Giuliana’s icy treatment of me any longer. My parents did not like the idea of a young woman living alone in Rome, but what could they do? I was supplying them with a steady source of income, and they no longer had to worry about their finances. So I bought a villa in Rome that happened to be across the street from Mussolini’s old residence, Villa Torlonia.”

  “Signora Tesca and Lorenzo’s home was actually your home?” Pia asks me.

  “Yes. I will get to that later in my story. I continued to see Dante. He would come up to Rome whenever he could get away from the pharmacy, which was not often. I do not think his father approved of his seeing a movie star who was also quickly becoming the country’s sex symbol. I loved showing him Rome. He made me very happy, but I loved the attention I was receiving from the public more. Many suitors were knocking on my door. Mario Scarpone, who was my leading man in my first film, La Sposa Pazza, was courting me fervently. The paparazzi had snapped several photos of us together at various social affairs. The rumors were soon flying that we were involved.”

  “Were you yet?” Pia looked directly into my eyes.

  “At first, I kept Mario at a distance. I told him I loved Dante. But Mario broke me down eventually. I missed Dante terribly and only seeing him a few times a month, if even that, was taking its toll on me. I did not have intimate relations with Mario until after Dante and I were finished, but we did share a few kisses. I am not proud of that, and to this day I regret my foolish behavior.”

  “Dante found out about Mario,” Pia says.

  “Of course. He had seen what the gossip mags were saying about us, and he asked me if we were involved. When he asked me, I was not involved yet with Mario. I know that does not excuse me from withholding the truth about my having kissed Mario. But I just could not bear to hurt Dante. And naturally, I still had feelings for him. I was not ready to let him go even though I knew I should. My refusal to be honest with Dante backfired, and instead he had to find out about Mario and me by walking in on us in a heated embrace.” I dab at the corners of my eyes again. Remembering all of this is too painful. I sigh and continue.

  “Dante yelled at me and called me every horrible insult. I had never heard him swear before. I begged him not to leave me and to let me explain. I tried to tell him what I had with Mario was nothing. Instead of looking upset, Mario seemed amused. He lit a cigarette and smirked as he watched Dante and me. I should have remembered that when that godforsaken cretino proposed and I accepted. Well, at least I did not marry him. Anyway, Dante told me that Giuliana had been right about me all along. He asked that I never contact him again.

  “A few weeks later, Dante went to Giuliana and begged her forgiveness. Giuliana had never stopped loving Dante even though he betrayed her. I always thought it was interesting how she could forgive Dante when for all those years she could not bring herself to forgive me. But then again, there is much more to the story, as you will soon learn.

  “Six months after Giuliana and Dante began dating again, they got married. My mother called to tell me. I was happy for Giuliana since Dante was rightfully hers to begin with, but I was also devastated. I cried so hard. A part of me truly thought I would marry Dante someday when I was ready. But who was I fooling? My love of acting and fame was stronger than my love for Dante and
my desire to get married. Besides, now that I look back I can admit I was ashamed of Dante and where he came from. He was a village boy who worked in his father’s small pharmacy. In Messina, he was someone, but in Rome, he stood out. I cringed when I read in the papers Dante described as my ‘girlhood crush’ and the ‘simple boy with the sex symbol girlfriend.’ The reporters were mocking him, and I knew everyone was wondering what an emerging movie star wanted with a village boy.

  “My betrayal of Giuliana had created a rift between my parents and me. They still spoke to me, but I could hear the disappointment in their voices whenever we talked and the few times we saw each other after I moved to Rome. I kept my distance as much as possible, for seeing my parents only reminded me of Giuliana and how I had hurt her.

  “Although I was not invited to their wedding, I still sent a lavish gift to my sister and Dante. But it is for the best that I was not invited. For if I had been, I would have had to make an excuse as to why I could not attend.”

  “You couldn’t bear to watch your first love marry someone else,” Pia says with much sadness in her voice. I am surprised she is not disgusted by my actions and actually seems to have pity for me. But there is time. She has not heard the entire ugly story yet.

  “True. But that is not the reason why I would not have attended.” I get up and take the bottle of sambuca that I left on the kitchen counter earlier. I pour myself a shot and gulp it down before resuming.

  “Francesca, you don’t need to tell me all of this. I can see how painful bringing up these memories is for you.”

  “I am all right. The reason I could not attend their wedding is that I was six months pregnant with Dante’s child. Only my agent knew. When I could not hide the pregnancy any longer, I went to hide out at a convent in the Italian Alps. My agent told the press I was taking a much needed vacation. If the media had found out the truth, it would have caused a scandal in those days and my career would have been over. I gave birth to the baby at the convent. Then, I paid the nuns generously to raise the baby, and I made sure to send them payments every month. Leaving my baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.”