Carissima

by Rosanna Chiofalo

  “I’m so sorry, Francesca. I can’t even begin to imagine the loss you felt.”

  I nod my head and continue.

  “When I returned to Rome, I resumed where I had left off with Mario Scarpone.”

  “Didn’t he wonder why you suddenly took a vacation? Didn’t he try to say he’d come with you?”

  “I am sure Mario was happy I would be away so he could enjoy his other girlfriends without risking my finding out.”

  “You didn’t care that he was seeing other women while he was with you?”

  “Not in the sense that he was cheating on me and I felt betrayed. You have to remember, Pia, I was never in love with him. Dante still had my heart. I cared more about not being made to look like a fool, and Mario was doing exactly that. When the reporters got wind of Mario’s other women, they dragged my name into it and made it sound like we were all having an orgy. I almost killed him with my bare hands when that story broke. Mario swore he was through with the other women and only wanted me. I did not believe him. But then he spent every waking hour either calling me or showing up at my home. I was so depressed over losing Dante and my baby that I tried to convince myself I could have feelings for Mario and have a normal marriage with him. So when he proposed to me after I returned to Rome, I accepted. I broke off the engagement when I finally came to my senses and realized I could not bear to marry a man I was not in love with.

  “A month later, I was in Taormina, Sicily, where my latest film was being shot. Giuliana and Dante had been married now for nine months. Giuliana got pregnant immediately after the wedding, and they had a baby girl named Ana. Apparently, they heard I was in town, and Dante suggested to Giuliana that they invite me to their house so that I could meet my new niece. Dante felt that he was to blame for my estrangement from Giuliana. He wanted us to make peace and put the past behind us. I do not think Giuliana was ready to forgive me, but I think she felt that if she could ease Dante’s burden of guilt then she would do it. Giuliana would have done anything for Dante.

  “I was shocked to receive the invitation, but I was happy that my sister was ready to have me back in her life. And I wanted to meet my niece. I was not sure how I would feel once I saw Dante living a happily married life with a woman other than me. And naturally, I knew seeing their baby would be especially painful for me since I had given up my own child with Dante. But I wanted Giuliana and Dante’s forgiveness so badly that I knew I had to go. To this day, I regret having visited them.

  “Giuliana was upstairs giving Ana a bath when I arrived. Dante let me in. I asked him if we could step out into the courtyard for a few minutes because I wanted to talk to him in private. Dante looked nervous, but agreed to my request. I began by telling him I was sorry for hurting him and Giuliana. Then I told him about my baby. Dante asked me who the father was. When I told him that he was the father, he did not believe me. He asked me how I could be so sure since I had also been seeing Mario Scarpone. I told him I had not slept with Mario Scarpone while I was still with Dante. He did not believe me. I pulled out of my purse a recent photo that the nuns had sent me of my baby and showed it to Dante. When he saw the photo, he let out an anguished cry, and a moment later, he grabbed his head. He fell to his knees as he let out another ear-piercing scream.

  “I asked him what was the matter, but he just kept screaming in agony. Then he collapsed and blacked out. I was holding Dante’s face and begging him to wake up. Giuliana came running toward Dante and pushed me away from him, yelling at me, ‘What have you done to him?’

  “I cried and told her I had not done anything. She screamed at me to call the ambulance. I ran inside and did so. When I returned, Giuliana was still hugging Dante’s body to her, stroking his hair and kissing his forehead. She then asked me again what I had said to him, and she admitted that she had been on her way to the courtyard, where she could hear our heated whispers. Obviously, something I said must have brought on Dante’s attack. I was saved by the arrival of the paramedics. They strapped Dante to a gurney and rolled him into the ambulance. He still had not gained consciousness. Giuliana wanted to ride in the ambulance with him, but realized Ana would be alone. I immediately told her I would watch Ana. I could tell Giuliana was reluctant to leave me alone with her baby, but with no other alternative, she agreed.

  “After the ambulance left, I called my parents to tell them what had happened. They rushed to the hospital to be with Giuliana. My mother called an hour later to tell me that Dante had suffered from a brain aneurysm and had died. They would be escorting Giuliana home from the hospital.

  “I hung up the phone and cried hysterically, feeling it was all my fault since I had told Dante about our baby and had insisted he believe he was the father. When Dante saw the photo of our baby, it was such a shock to him. My baby looked just like Dante. I had seen photos of him as a child, and there was no questioning the resemblance.”

  “So Dante knew in that moment without a doubt that he was the father.”

  “Yes, Pia. I am sure he was also thinking of what this would do to Giuliana when she learned. He knew it would have been too much for her to bear just as it had proven too much for him. The doctors told my family that the aneurysm had been present for years and would have eventually burst, and that exceptional stress could have caused it to rupture at any time. So you see why I felt guilty.” I pause, needing a moment before I go on with my story.

  “Francesca, I can understand your guilt, but the aneurysm would have burst eventually even if you had never told Dante about his son. You can’t blame yourself for his death.”

  “As I get older, I have resigned myself to this fact, but it does not hurt any less that he died after hearing my revelation. And when I was alone with Ana while I waited for my parents to bring Giuliana home from the hospital, I felt guilty that now this baby would grow up without her father. And once again, I had taken away the love of my sister’s life.

  “When Giuliana and my parents finally arrived back at her home, my sister looked as if all the blood had drained from her face. She did not even seem to see me. I kept my distance from Giuli until the funeral. And even at the funeral, I did not stay by my sister’s side. As soon as the funeral was over, I left.

  “A year later, my mother called to tell me that Ana had caught pneumonia and died. So now Giuliana had not only lost her husband but her daughter as well. I was utterly devastated.

  “I decided to visit Giuliana nine months after Ana had died. Giuliana was not only shocked to see me but the toddler boy who was by my side. I asked her if we could come in for a few minutes. Giuliana let us in. Once we were seated, she asked me who the boy was. I introduced him as Lorenzo.”

  “Oh my God,” Pia whispers, placing her hand over her mouth. Tears roll down my face. I hold my forehead in my hands, feeling as if I am going to completely lose all control.

  “Lorenzo is your son, not Giuliana’s?”

  I nod my head, unable to look into Pia’s face.

  “Lorenzo doesn’t know, does he?”

  I shake my head no.

  “After I introduced Lorenzo to Giuliana, he looked up and into her eyes for the first time since they had met. He was tired from the long trip and had been rubbing his eyes and glancing down at the floor, so Giuliana had not gotten a good look at him. But once their eyes met, she dropped the glass of water she was holding and gasped. She knew immediately, just as Dante had, that Lorenzo was his son. Lorenzo has Dante’s eyes as well as the same mole on the right side of his chin. Giuliana asked me, ‘Is he?’ and I told her he was indeed Dante’s son.

  “I placed Lorenzo down on the couch so he could take a nap. I then took Giuliana by the arm and led her into the kitchen so we could talk privately. Giuliana was dazed with shock. Once we sat down at the table, clarity began to set into my sister’s mind. She asked me if I had told Dante the day he died about Lorenzo. I told her I had and how he had not believed me until I showed him Lorenzo’s photo. I told her that I later realized it was foolish for me
to have told Dante the way I did. I also admitted to her that my motives had been selfish. I had hoped that once Dante knew about Lorenzo he would return to me. I told her I had not been thinking right, but my last sentence seemed to fall on deaf ears. Giuliana became very upset and asked me how I could have expected Dante to leave her and baby Ana. Giuliana asked me, ‘How could you have been so heartless, Francesca?’

  “I told her I knew that I had sinned greatly and did not expect her to ever forgive me, but I wanted her to finally know the truth behind Dante’s death. I then told her that I wanted her to raise Lorenzo instead of the nuns. Giuliana could not believe what I was saying. She asked me if I were insane. I told her I was absolutely serious. She then asked me why I had given Lorenzo to the nuns only to now give him up once again. I told her that having a baby when Lorenzo arrived would have destroyed my movie career. I was not ready to give up being an actress. I also reminded her of the scandal that would have ensued since I was a single mother.

  “Giuliana asked me to quit my career so that I could raise my own son. I smiled sadly and told her, ‘Acting is my greatest love.’ Can you believe I actually told her that?”

  Pia is crying silently. She reaches over and places her hand over mine. I sigh deeply and continue with my story.

  “I pleaded with Giuliana to take Lorenzo so that he could be raised by family rather than strangers. I told her I would not have been a good mother anyway. Giuliana expressed that she did not think that was true. Even after all that I did to her she was still able to see some hope for me. But I remained firm in my conviction that I wanted my sister to be Lorenzo’s mother. Giuliana got up and walked over to Lorenzo, who was now sound asleep on her couch. She said aloud, ‘Even with his eyes shut, he is the spitting image of Dante.’

  “I am sure she was also thinking of the baby she had lost and how alone she was without a husband and daughter. In that moment, I could see that Giuliana already loved Lorenzo. She told me she would raise him. I told her that Lorenzo did not know that I was his mother, and I asked her never to tell him. It would be easier that way for everyone. Giuliana agreed. I also explained to her that I had told Lorenzo we were going to meet his mother. Since Lorenzo was so young and had only known the nuns as caretakers, he did not know really what a mother was. I knew he would adjust well, and I was grateful that he was so young since that would help ease the transition even more.

  “After that day, I did not see Giuliana again until I went to Astoria. I sent her money every month for Lorenzo’s care. Giuliana was kind enough to send me letters and give me updates on Lorenzo. She even included photos of Lorenzo as he grew up. But she would never ask me how I was or reveal anything about her own life to me. Though I knew she still had not forgiven me, she managed to show some compassion by telling me how Lorenzo was doing.

  “Thirty-four years after I gave up my son to Giuliana, I received a letter from Lorenzo, asking me to fly to New York because of a ‘delicate matter,’ as he put it. He did not want to reveal the news of Giuliana’s fatal illness in a letter, but wanted to do it in person. He did say I could call if I insisted on knowing why he wanted me to visit right away, but I knew something was very wrong with Giuliana. I could feel it. So I wasted no time and booked the next flight out of Sicily.”

  “I thought Lorenzo was away on a research trip?” Pia asks.

  “Yes, he was, but he had a summer break so he planned on flying to Astoria so that he could meet with me. But when I landed in New York, Carlo, Giuliana’s butler, was waiting for me instead. Carlo told me Lorenzo had not been able to leave Rome after all because his best friend’s mother had died suddenly. So he asked Carlo to give me the news before I arrived at the house. He did not want me to be shocked when I saw Giuliana’s frail state.

  “Of course when Carlo told me, I asked him to drive me immediately to Astoria. All I could think of was that I needed to be by her side and that I might have lost the opportunity to repair our relationship before she died. I also hoped that once Lorenzo returned, we could build our relationship even if it were just in aunt and nephew roles. So now you know why I came to Astoria and why Giuliana and I had been estranged all those years.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Francesca. I’m stunned. And Lorenzo still does not know the truth? You did not tell him after Giuliana died?”

  “No. This is what has been weighing on my mind so heavily. On her deathbed, Giuliana asked me to tell him the truth. I promised I would, but I have not done so yet. I am terrified. He will surely hate me and deservedly so. He will hate me for having given him up and for hurting his mother not once but twice. He might even blame me for his father’s death. I have changed, Pia. I cannot tell you how many times I have regretted over the years giving my son up. That was my greatest mistake. I chose myself and my need to become a star over my own child. If I could do it all over again, I would choose him. But it is too late now. When I saw the photos of Lorenzo that Giuliana sent me, I ached terribly. How I wished so many times to have a relationship with him as mother and son. We did become closer as we took care of Giuliana in her final days. So, what do you think of me now, Pia?”

  Pia sighs. “We all make mistakes, Francesca, and you were young. You can’t keep punishing yourself. You need to move forward, and it sounds like Giuliana wanted you to do the same by finally revealing the truth to Lorenzo. Will you tell him?”

  “Yes, I know I must even if there is a good risk he will hate me.” I laugh. “First my sister despised me; now it will be my son. But it is the right thing to do and my sister’s last request. How can I not honor a dying woman’s wish?”

  “When do you think you will break the news to Lorenzo?”

  “He is supposed to come over in the morning. I will do it then. Pia, can you please just do one favor for me?”

  “Of course.”

  “Please be there for my son in the coming days. He will need the support of a good friend, and I know he respects you very much.”

  “I will do my best, Francesca.”

  “Thank you, Pia. You are a fine young woman.”

  Pia gets up and hugs me.

  “You’re a good woman, too. Francesca, you’ve never let yourself believe that. It’s time you also forgave yourself.”

  “Thank you. But all I care about is forgiveness from my son.”

  27

  Pia

  Though I went to bed so late after Francesca narrated her stunning revelation, I made sure to wake up early and plan to leave before Lorenzo arrives. I don’t think I could look at him without giving away that something was wrong. Lorenzo and I were supposed to start our sightseeing tour today, but I doubt he’ll be in the mood to play my guide after he receives the shock of his life.

  Hoping to slip out quietly, I’m about to open the door when Francesca calls out to me.

  “Where are you going so early, Pia?”

  “Francesca, you’re up.”

  “I barely slept, as you can imagine.”

  I nod my head. “I was just heading over to the Campo de’ Fiori. I heard it’s best to get there early before the swarms of people arrive.”

  “Si. È vero.” Francesca glances at the miniature grandfather clock that sits on top of the table in the foyer. It’s almost eight o’clock.

  “Lorenzo should be here by nine. I asked him to come earlier so we could have breakfast together.” Francesca looks off to the side. Her eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep and crying.

  “Yes, you mentioned to me last night that he’d be here for breakfast.”

  “Ah! No wonder you are up so early. You want to avoid the storm.” Francesca manages a slight smile.

  “No. I just wanted to give you privacy. Besides, I have been dying to see the Campo early in the morning.” This is true, but I can’t help feeling Francesca doesn’t believe me.

  “Will you be returning after the Campo?”

  “I was going to visit a few sights I had on my list. I’ll probably be out most of the day.”


  Francesca reaches into the pocket of her robe and takes out a cell phone.

  “Please take this. I know I am asking a lot of you, Pia, but if Lorenzo would like to talk to you after our discussion, I want you to be available for him. I am so worried about how he will take this. Is it all right if I tell him you are expecting his call? You were supposed to begin your sightseeing with him today, correct?”

  I feel awkward. But how am I supposed to refuse a request like this? I was hoping to escape Lorenzo for today. Somehow I doubt he’ll want to see anyone, let alone me, after the bombshell his mother is going to drop on him. But Francesca has a point. If he does remember our plans, he might wonder why I ditched him.

  “That’s fine.” I take the cell phone from Francesca and put it in my purse.

  “You are a dear friend. I do not know how I can repay you.”

  “There’s no need. As you say, we are friends.” I walk over to Francesca and give her a quick, light hug. When I pull away, her face is slightly flushed. I think this is the first time I’ve seen her embarrassed.

  “Ciao. Enjoy the Campo.” Francesca walks toward the kitchen.

  Descending the steps of Francesca’s apartment, I pretend this is my home in Rome. This is a little game I love to play whenever I visit another city or country. I imagine I am someone else. Today, I am a Roman citizen, and my morning ritual is to go to the Campo de’ Fiori to buy my fresh produce for the day’s meal. Of course, Italian cuisine requires only the freshest ingredients.

  As I approach the Campo de’ Fiori, most of the stalls are set up with only a few stragglers still filling their bins with fruits and vegetables. A few of the vendors are chatting and sipping espressos. The Campo de’ Fiori or Field of Flowers was once a meadow and is one of Rome’s biggest open-air markets. The Campo has existed since medieval times. Cardinals and noblemen along with foreigners and fishmongers visited the market. The sculpture of philosopher Giordano Bruno, who was burned at the stake for heresy in 1600, stands in the center of the Campo piazza where many executions were performed. The piazza was also surrounded by inns for pilgrims and travelers during the medieval era. Today, the Campo remains just as vibrant as it was centuries ago. In the evening, after the merchants have folded up their stalls, the Campo becomes a thriving nightlife spot in Rome. Popular restaurants and cafés dot the area. In addition, Renaissance palaces such as the Palazzo Farnese and Palazzo Spada lie nearby. Maybe I’ll go to one of the palaces after I’m done at the Campo.