Wanting him back

by Mary Norton

  - I do not think I need to be here.

  - For me you would. - The poisonous says spurting poison. - But I think Augusto do not think its important presence.

  I feel his body tension coming to me. I can feel all the emotions flowing around me. But at the same time, I feel like gallons of morphine were all over my body.

  - If so, I'll go back to my room. - Arrange the papers in my hands and only now I see that my iPhone screen is more than cracked.

  Without looking at anyone, I run to the bathroom, so I isolating the world. Please Juliane, do not you dare this. But as soon as I look in the mirror, a rebel tear drops on my face. The pain already felt, reappears after years. But this time, harder, angrier and more contempt.

  It is very painful. Burns and hit me harder every time my heart beats.

  Clean quickly trace the small tear that fell.

  - You're stronger than that, Juli. - I say clearing my throat and facing my reflection more than hurt the mirror.

  He is not showing up, but it's here. I feel it. Wiping a bit of mascara smearing the corner of my eye I go to my room. I try to keep my wonderful active energy, but I just can not.

  Dou turn around and go to my boss's office. And so it lays eyes on me, you know you have the wrong thing. But I know he will not ask me, and I will not tell him.

  Ah yes. I was fucking Augusto and I fell in love like the first time he ate me. And now I found out he's engaged. And not to be a detective I'm good, since not discovered it.

  I will not be talking about it to my boss.

  - I thought about leaving early today, if that's okay. - I grab my phone and show the broken screen. - And I want to run to the mall and find out if I can fix it today.

  Duarte Your eyes widen, but smiles in a few seconds.

  - Of course, I will not need you today.

  I want to cry now, because he's so good when I need.

  - Thanks a lot. I'm leaving.

  - Jules? - I stop at the door when he calls me. - Did something happen? I did not want to ask, but since yesterday you are very strange.

  I turn to face him. And give some sort of smile.

  - Yes, I'm just thinking about some things. Do not worry, everything is fine. - Paro again before leaving. - Thanks again for releasing me. I know I've said a million times, but you are the best boss I could find.

  He seems surprised by my statement. And without waiting for whatever your answer, I turn around and go to my room to get my purse. I do not waste time talking to anyone. I just need to get out.

  And I can do all the way to the mall without even hiccup. I think I'm all doped. The attendant service is pretty cool.

  - You only in the stock whether I still have to change the screen, you can wait a few minutes?

  - Of course.

  I sit in the small blue chair waiting for the diagnosis of my cell phone. With his elbows on my knees and hands covering my face. I stop to think of the great wave of ruin my life has taken.

  Augusto played straight with me. He walked over and made me fall on your boy charm polite and right. I eased it for him. I thought with him would be different. I did not want to at first. But how could I fight with such attraction that was consuming me? How to resist that charm to get what you want? And his chivalry which has always been dedicated to me without any guard.

  His smile, humor and dedication.

  And there was the way he took care of me when all this happened. How he saved and hugged me while I cried with fear and relief. When I was scared about what might have happened.

  As he joked with me at the waterfall, making me be a girl of ten again. Making me smile for longer than I can remember.

  Making me be myself how long I was not.

  Me accepting when most people could not. Helping me to realize that I'm single and I accept myself with all my oddities. It made me feel happy as I had never felt. I loved with your body. I protected and cared for me.

  It was part of my family fall in love with him.

  It made me fall in love with him when it was all a lie.

  But now nothing is worth what happened. All smiles, statements, shared secrets. Nothing was true. He once again only managed to add another name to its long list of poor deluded.

  I should have known it would be like. But, again, what I mean man? Relationship? Anything. A lay eternal.

  So what I felt on Saturday night? What was that I saw in your eyes?

  Nothing, just my heart wanting to see something that did not exist and will never exist. How long will it take to clean up the mess that is in my chest?

  - Lady, I can fix today.

  This simple phrase has nothing to do with what I'm feeling, I make I end up crying in front of the young man who is trying to help me. The poor guy does not know what to do. Asks if I want water or handkerchief to wipe my face.

  But just extravaso everything in my cry.

  - This is for your phone? Do not worry, it has repair. Please, do not cry.

  His innocent question makes me laugh. Take the glass of water that is in your hands. After emptying the glass, I tell him the whole story. No little worried if he is eighteen or not.

  Sometimes we just need to let off steam with some unknown.

  - He's an idiot! - Said handing me another glass of water. - You should know that you would find out. Why lie? He's an idiot for doing it all.

  - I think the same thing as you.

  The boy holds my hand lightly.

  - I do not know why he did it all. But one thing I'm sure.

  I look at the little boy seems wiser than me in all my life.

  - At some point he realized how special you are. And who knows it must have scared him. But no matter, he saw it and must have felt lucky to at least have been with you these few days. And my certainty is that he will regret bitterly for the rest of his life. You can not let a girl like you. Especially if she has a huge collection of comics and know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. Girls so it is rare to find nowadays.

  He can get me a laugh with that comment.

  - I'm serious. And what I will say now is even more serious. - He gets up and puts his hands in his pocket. - It is dumb guys like him that there is a phrase: Men are all alike. But this is a mistake. I can tell you that I would not do it with you, not with any girl. And it is he who loses. And again, you deserve more than that. You deserve someone who put you on top. But first of all, you have to be on top in your life. Now I'll pack your cell, you'd better go down there and eat something.

  I look at the young man. Extremely grateful that he had endured the drama I played on him. And I do as he asked. I will allow myself to eat a lot of potato chips this afternoon. I look at my watch and see that are just four. Hitting the mall leg is the only option left. Three weeks ago I was in the same mall with Nicole and Augustus. Me having fun and spoiling my niece.

  Now I'm walking aimlessly, spending time as a young fix my phone. While I try to find a way to stick my stupid heart. I go to the bookstore, grab a book and start reading, but I can not understand even the synopsis of it. I arrive in the small coffee shop that has the bookstore and ask for a black coffee. Not Starbucks opposite the Culture at Av. Paulista, but can fool me. Does my boss accepted the idea of opening a franchise here?

  Probably not!

  But it is apena the idea.

  I try many ways to not think about the pain in my chest, but it is impossible to ignore. Every beat is the reminder that once again I was rejected. Set aside.

  "I'm important Augusto?"

  No!

  "But I think Augusto do not think its important presence."

  Why rejection is so present in my life? Why can not I fall in love with someone who wants me back? Why it hurts so much? What's wrong with me?

  I'm certainly a good thing to laugh at people who are strolling through the mall. Girl stranger who is crying for having been deceived by the boss. And to make matters worse, the phone is broken.

  Ω

  - I ha
ve not changed anything in it, just the same screen glass. - Said handing me the most important thing in my life.

  - You will be how much?

  With all this, I even asked if the insurance would cover. I think a sudden pain in my bank account can help with persistent pain in my heart.

  - The insurance covers in cases of broken hearts by egocentric idiots. - Said giving me a wink. - It's like a Christmas gift for you.

  I did not want, but I will cry again. The little boy no longer despairs as the first time.

  - Thanks.

  - No problem. - He goes around the counter and awkwardly hugs me.

  I reciprocate.

  - You'll find someone who will always put you up there. It will not take long. And I hope you leave this asshole turning alone in the company.

  Unfortunately I can not.

  - I work for him, I can not do that.

  The boy thinks and gets the collar of her shirt.

  - You can do as the first time. Be yourself.

  I thank him again and go home. At least one thing came to be full tonight.

  Holding the matches in one hand and looking for the house key in the other, I can get off the elevator without falling flat on your face.

  - I told you to put the key to your door in the car locksmith, Juli.

  Stop listening to the voice that until two days ago was something that made me smile. At that moment makes me want to go back to the elevator and go aimlessly. Augusto is the same way I saw today in the afternoon. Like me. But he continues with his arrogance unshaken. While I'm a wreck and no plans to return to being whole.

  He looks away when your eyes meet mine for seconds. Surely realizing the impact of pain that I just can not and I can not hide. Step by him, but unfortunately back with my shoulder into his chest. We shudder together with this insignificant contact.

  - We need to talk, Juli.

  There is only a painful plea in her voice. But I can not let it shake me.

  - The same answer I gave you the first time you hurt me, is for today and will serve forever. - I open my door and when I close it, he pushes with enough force to gain entry.

  - You can keep giving this answer forever, but you need to hear me. - He closes the door when you are inside what should be my safe haven. - And you want me to hear.

  Set my purse on the couch, I cross my arms and stare at the big man in front of me. I'm exhausted and I feel that this will only suck the last drops of energy I have left. I walk around on the couch, getting as far away from it. And even if I want to really feel his anger, I am all I have left to hold it inside me, I know what I need most is to know why.

  He even started to talk and I'm crying. I sit with my hands in my face and to make matters worse, a sob escapes. I feel that it is coming, when I feel his hands coming up to me, I cry with him.

  - Stay away! - I say between sobs. - Say what you have to say and go.

  I can feel your impotence. Your desperation for me to cherish, but I just can not let him touch me and not feel disgusted. Even if it has not passed a lie for him, it was true for me. And I will not spoil a bit of happiness I had in small days.

  - Juli ...

  - Only finish with this once, please.

  I'm begging him to cause pain in me. Begging him to just start my heart and just go away.

  My God, why it hurts so much? Why must you always be like me?

  - I did not want ... I can not do this with you so, Juli.

  I clean my face and stare at him. I can not know if he is upset or desperate or scared. Or pretending to fine it all. I can only hope that he says what he means and hope that I have not done the big a fool he saved for me.

  - Do not worry about me. Just say it. It's the only thing I ask you, and hope you can give me.

  He takes a step back feeling the coldness of my words. Feeling the pain is flowing from me. Augusto swallows, runs his hands through his hair, visibly upset and angry.

  He is losing his poise, his controlled man post.

  - Paula is my bride for seven months. I met her at a conference I did in Brasilia, dated for over a year and I thought she would be the woman of my life. That everything would be with her. We kept everything in secret, not wanting anything could disrupt our plans. - He says while walking from one side to the other in my little room. - My parents love it. She is the woman who is always helping the world. Always doing everything to improve projects. Give it your all. Who does not love to her?

  It's all what you want.

  It can give you what you both need.

  Again, Juliane. Again you are being exchanged for successful interests.

  - But two months ago I found out that she cheated on me with his cousin mauricinho it.

  I lift my head so fast that my head hurts. Augusto is looking at your shoes. With shame and anger.

  - We decided to keep a little distance and it was when I accepted the proposal of Duarte to take the board. It was what I needed. Distance, something new to give my spirit. new city, far from everything and everyone are always pointing me as an example. I came here thinking about my engagement and could find me. Paula called me every day, asking them not to give up it. Saying he was willing to come and meet me and stay with me. And I was willing to do this, to ask it of her. But then, when I meet my new workplace, I face with this nerdy girl who gave me a lesson every day.

  Clamping his hand over my eyes, not wanting to melt with what he just told me.

  - You have to believe me, Juli. Everything we did, everything I told you was true .... Why ... I can not end it like this.

  - So do not finish, stay with her, forgive her for the mistake she committed as I do with you.

  - You do not understand ... If I break up with her, everything I signed for the company will be lost.

  A tear falls. Another rebel joins many others that fell today.

  - No -. I shake my head as hold my hair. Taking a face it. - Do not attempt to once again make me dumb. Nothing you did was special.

  - Juli. - He tries to hold me.

  - Please, get away. - Shooting my arm reach. - It was not important to you. If it were, you would have done with her. She would have away from me, I would not have made love with you. I would have given me something to be mine, but all that gave me no more than a lie.

  I get up leaving aside the pain, getting a few feet away from him. I hug my body protecting me from anything that can hurt me.

  - You're right, I let you get closer, Augusto. I let you stay, I gave space to you. Without even thinking about the consequences. And once again I left injured. - Clean a tear, but others start to come. The lenses of my glasses are dirty. - Yes, I was stagnant, stuck in my protected world without any desire to leave home. And I should have been so, Augustus. This would have avoided me many things. I would have avoided all this. All this pain that is tearing my chest.

  He takes a step back, feeling the impact of every word I give to it.

  - But no, you had to have it, have more in your list. And I wondered: What did he see in me? What me call his attention? These insecure girl of questions that appear when the cutest boy in school smiles for the first time for the poor woman. But I did not know it could be something bad.

  - You are no longer a ...

  - I should have said "no" every time, but all his efforts would be in vain, is not it? Being my hero, stay with me in the hospital, taking care of me here, worrying, buying medicine. Having all the work to speak to the police and everything. There have fallen in his crop would have been much for nothing, is not it? But the final blow was blackmail. And we know that this was what gave you the victory. That's what made me fall into his arms.

  I'm going to close the door.

  - You know, Augusto, in all these night before bed, I thought things in my heart, I felt I would never imagine. That was not because it pass through my airhead. I thought you would be the person who would be next to me. As I'm an idiot, like I'm stupid to imagine that the great Augusto Belmonte fall for me. I would cho
ose me to be at his side. That would be the person who could tell. I figured you could feel the same for me. Everything begin to work. You fall in love the same way I am in love with you.

  Another sob escapes me.

  - I do not know why did this to me. I do not know why always do this to me. What's the matter to love me?

  Augustus takes a step towards me.

  - No! - I raise my hand, stopping him. - It's my oddity? It's because I'm a girl does not go out to drink? I not venture me, because I am afraid to live life like other people? Or why fumble the ambitions of all?

  He is silent. Your body is completely hard. I want him to tell me that the problem is not me. Everything is just his fault.

  - Please give me the answer! - I beg him.

  But the answer does not come.

  - You said so much about I do not accept crumbs. About being someone's priority. - I open the door of my apartment so he quit. - You are not different from Eduardo. - Can I have a wry smile about it all. - But at least he had the decency to break up with me, before you build a new life.

  Augusto is still looked upon me. He can not say anything.

  - I think you've said what was needed. Do not worry, I will not ruin your engagement. In fact, I am ashamed that someone finds out that I lay with a man committed. Just do not expect smiles from me. For I can not hide how I feel.

  Augusto walks to the door and in front of me. His hand gently stroked my hair. I close my eyes sobbing softly. His lips are on my forehead and I feel his tears bathing my face.

  - You are special, Juliane.

  Nine days later.

  I believed I could get, I believed that everything could be as normal as possible, which could pretend to everyone that my heart is. Of course the last part worked, as for everyone, I am a single man who runs away like the devil flees from the cross. But unfortunately, I can not hide how I feel. As the next day everything we said to each other in my apartment.

  I arrived late at work that day. I ate in my room, not caring if they would hear complaints later. I just wanted to find a way to concentrate at work. And I was happy with the amount of work that Silvia left on my hands. I did not leave my desk until eight at night, when the head of security came to know if it was okay with me.