Finding Faith

by Tabatha Vargo

  Finn collected me in his arms and kissed the top of my head. His warmth seeped into my skin and spread throughout my body. I continued to clutch my cross. I fully understood that what we had done was wrong—sinful—but what I couldn’t understand was how something so beautiful could be bad.

  I began to question everything I’d ever been told in my life. For the first time, I wondered if maybe my dad didn’t know what he was talking about. I refused to believe that Finn was bad. I wouldn’t accept the fact that my soul was in danger with him. Not when I’d just been so close to heaven in his arms.

  This time when I closed my eyes, I didn’t think about protecting my soul in my cross. There was no need for it anymore. Finn had my soul, and I knew that no matter what, he’d protect it.

  Fourteen

  Finn

  I’d promised myself I’d wait until she was ready, and I’d failed. That wasn’t surprising since I’d spent most of my life fucking up. I hadn’t planned on going down on Faith in the sand. I really had been trying to be romantic and take her on an actual date. Walking the beach was supposed to be sweet, but once she started kissing me and pressing against me, I was done for.

  I kept thinking that at least I hadn’t taken her virginity. I wanted to. Damn, I’d never wanted to so badly. The noises she made when she came almost did me in. I was sure I was going unload right there in my jeans. The amount of willpower it took to hold her afterward and not finish the job was amazing. I had no idea I was capable of shit like that.

  I wanted to show her how good I could make her feel. I wanted to hear her say my name over and over again like she had. It wanted it so badly for her, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d pressured her into it.

  The last thing I wanted was for her to clam up and never talk to me again out of fear. I never wanted to scare her. She seemed okay when I dropped her off. I promised her I’d come by the following night and that made her smile happily, but I knew girls pretty well and I knew they reacted after the fact. I just had to hope that the following day when I saw her, she didn’t hate me.

  When I got home, Reynolds was waiting in my garage for me. His long legs were resting on the coffee table in front of Mom’s old leather couch. He pulled at a ripped piece, exposing more of the yellow sponge inside.

  When I stepped in, he looked up at me with hard eyes.

  “Where the fuck you been, man? I’ve been waiting here all goddamn night.”

  His eyes were dilated and he couldn’t sit still. He crossed his leg over the other and shook his foot so fast it started to blur. No doubt about it he was fucked on the white wizard again.

  The tiny bit of white power stuck on the tip of his nose caught my attention and gave him away more than his behavior. He’d been on the decline for a while, but I hadn’t noticed how badly until I sobered up and stepped away. Usually I was along for the party, but since I’d met Faith, I was clean—minus a few beers every now again. That was yet another reason I knew she was good for me. Even my mom had commented on my changes.

  “I was out with my girl. What’s up?” I asked as I fell onto the couch beside him.

  It was late and I was exhausted. I could still smell Faith on my skin, and I was determined to catch some relief in my palm before hitting the sheets.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a blunt. The smell of lighter fluid swarmed around me when he lit his Zippo. The tip of the blunt crackled as he hit it hard and held it in.

  “Man, fuck that shit. Relationships are for the birds and bitches. Don’t get yourself all caught up. It’s bad for business.”

  I had to force myself to remember that he was fucked up. Otherwise, I would’ve punched him in the mouth. Since I’d known Reynolds, I was always fighting his fights. He had a mouth on him and never knew when to shut it. It also didn’t help that he wasn’t afraid of anyone or anything. Whenever he got in over his head, which was most of the time, I was always there to pull him out.

  He usually never pushed my buttons, but something was up with him tonight. I was starting to worry that he was on something much heavier than usual. He kept making shitty remarks, but I ignored him and turned down the blunt when he held it out to me. His arm hung suspended and he eyed me hard like he was challenging me to smoke. Still, I shook my head no.

  “Nah, man, I’m good—high on life and shit.” I tried to lighten the mood. “You need a ride home or something? Looks like you’ve partied extra hard tonight.”

  I’d seen his car parked out front, but if he needed a ride home, I’d take him. Whatever got him out of my garage so I could get some sleep.

  I was caught off guard when he flicked the blunt at my face. I barely swatted it away quick enough. “What the fuck, Reynolds?” I stood tall.

  He stood, too, but I towered over him. I tried to keep myself in check. He was pushing some serious buttons and I was starting to get pissed off. I didn’t want to fly off the handle and kick his ass and feel bad about it the next day when he didn’t remember.

  “You don’t know shit about a party anymore. Man, you’re supposed to be our front man. A real front man doesn’t let himself get pussy whipped.”

  I’d had enough. I pushed him. “Get the fuck out of here. I’m done with your shit tonight.”

  I walked away. At least I tried to, but he had other plans. I didn’t see his fist coming, but it was hard against the back of my head. The oil-covered concrete garage floor dug into my cheek. My ears rang and the world around me shifted for a few seconds. I blinked rapidly and gathered my wits. Once I realized what happened, I was up and on top of him. I’d had enough of Reynolds’s shit.

  He blocked and fought back hard. Punches were thrown and words were said. The drums sounded and the cymbals clanged as we tumbled into them, knocking them everywhere.

  Once I had him on his back, I continued to hit him. I told myself to stop, but I was so pissed and disoriented from his initial hit that I no longer cared.

  Hard fingers dug into my arms and pulled me back. Instead of continuing to fight, I stopped once I saw that Reynolds wasn’t coming back for me.

  “Woah! Chill the fuck out, Finn! What happened, man?” I heard Tiny say from behind me.

  He was young, but he had a grip on him.

  I wiped the blood from my lip and cheek as I tried to catch my breath.

  “He started the shit. I’m getting about sick of him getting all fucked up on coke and acting crazy.” I shook Tiny’s hands from my arms and turned to see Kevin and Amanda staring at me from across the garage. “Get him the fuck out of here until he sobers up,” I said to Kevin.

  I sat on the couch pressing a cold beer to my lip and watched as Tiny and Kevin helped Reynolds up and dragged him to Kevin’s car. No way would he even remember the fight the next day, but I was done. I fully planned on sitting his ass down and having a long talk with him about his drug problem. If we were serious about Original Malice, then we needed our heads in the right place. Being fucked up all the time wasn’t going to cut it.

  Kevin came back in once everyone was settled into the car.

  “He’s getting worse,” he said as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

  “I know. We’ll go over tomorrow and try to talk some sense into him.”

  “Yeah, that sounds good. You’re different, too, you know?” he said as he exhaled smoke through his nose.

  I hadn’t expected Kevin to say that. I looked up at him and nodded my head. I knew I was different and that wasn’t a bad thing. “I know.”

  “I’ve known you for a long time, Finn. You’re like my brother, man, and since you got Faith, you seem a lot happier. I’m glad to see that. You deserve it.” He stepped over toward me and grabbed my shoulder. “She’s a nice girl. Be good to her.”

  Kevin and I weren’t big on heart to heart talks, so I nodded my head, acknowledging what he was saying. “I will. Thanks, man. Be safe getting his crazy ass home. I’ll see y’all tomorrow.”

  We brought it in for a
hug and smacked each other on the back. He really was like my brother and no matter what, he always had my back. I couldn’t have asked for a better sidekick.

  After they left, I went inside, got a shower, and crashed. My face hurt like a bitch, and a tiny bit of guilt for kicking Reynolds’s ass was starting to seep in. Needless to say, I slept for shit. It wasn’t long before I heard my mom screaming my name and pounding on my door.

  I woke up disoriented and reaching for anything in the darkness. In a panic, I jumped out of my bed and tripped over my shoes. After stubbing my knee on a few things and almost falling and breaking my neck, I managed to make it across my room in the dark.

  I swung the door open and flipped on the light at the same time. When I did, my mom fell into my arms crying. I held her close to my bare chest. Her tears dripped from her chin and streamed down my torso. She was saying something over and over again, but it was muffled. I leaned back and looked down at her.

  “What is it?” Fear gripped my heart. I’d only ever seen my mom like this once before and it was when Mr. Charles, her husband, had died.

  My thoughts went straight to Faith. Panic set in until I remembered Mom didn’t know Faith.

  “Oh, thank God you’re here. I thought you were gone. I thought you were with them and I’d lost you.” Her words weren’t making any sense and with her crying so hard, I could barely understand what she was saying.

  “I’m here, Mom. What’s going on? Did you have a nightmare or something?”

  I held her up and she continued to bawl. “Jimmy, I’m so sorry. God, Jimmy, I’m so sorry, baby,” she said over and over again.

  Still I had no idea what she was talking about. Her entire body was shaking and her breath was beginning to hiccup.

  “For what, Mom? You didn’t do anything.”

  She slowed her crying and looked up at me. She looked older with tears on her cheeks and red eyes. Her hair was coming out of its bun and stuck out in random places. She’d been awakened from her sleep too.

  “There’s been an accident—a bad one. They’re gone. Reynolds and Kevin, they didn’t make it.”

  Her words swam around me. I was still half asleep and confused, but finally they made it to my brain and I realized what she was saying. She had practically adopted Reynolds and Kevin as her own since they were always at my house. She was freaking out and I could feel myself starting to freak out, too.

  My head spun and I felt like I was going to be sick. My boys—more like my brothers, the only brothers I’d ever had—they were dead. Gone—never coming back again.

  I gripped the edge of my dresser to hold myself up, but then I began to dig my fingers into the wood as anger set in. I wanted to pick the dresser up and put it through the wall. My breath was coming too fast and hard as I began to hyperventilate, yet I couldn’t breathe. I needed to breathe.

  Mom wrapped her arms around me and I felt like I was suffocated even more. I moved away from her and pressed my head against the wall. The place where Reynolds had punched me earlier that night started to throb when I ran my fingers through my hair, reminding me of our last moments together.

  I couldn’t help it from then on out—I cried. It was hard and loud as I pressed myself up against the wall as if I could go through it and disappear. This wasn’t happening. No way was this really happening.

  So many people had walked away from me all my life, and Kevin and Reynolds had been two out of the few that stuck with me no matter what. Yeah, Reynolds had a drug problem, and yeah, Kevin knew exactly what to say to piss me off, but they were like my family. Other than my mom, they were the only real family I’d ever had.

  I reared back and put my fist through the wall. Pieces of paneling splintered into the air around me. My hand throbbed with my heartbeat and it hurt. I needed something to hurt—anything but my heart, which ached so badly I thought it would stop completely. I collapsed on my bedroom floor and I felt my mom holding me and wiping the tears from my cheeks.

  Once the sun came up, all the details started to come out. Kevin had been intoxicated and Reynolds took over the wheel. Why hadn’t I seen how drunk Kevin was? I was so caught up with Reynolds and his bullshit, so caught up in my new way of life, that I hadn’t paid enough attention to him.

  I’d already been at the hospital with Tiny for an hour before he woke up. He’d survived, but barely. Both his legs were broken and a large piece of metal had gone so far into his side that the doctors were saying it was a miracle he was alive. He looked like shit—barely recognizable—and I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault.

  I found out soon after that Amanda, Faith’s friend, also died in the crash. My heart broke for Faith and all I wanted to do was go to her and make sure she was okay. She didn’t have a lot of friends in her life and she’d known Amanda since they were little girls. She wasn’t going to take it well.

  I gripped my steering wheel hard as I drove to the church. It was Sunday and I knew that’s where Faith would be. Fuck the rules her dad had laid down. If she already knew about Amanda, then she would need me, and if she didn’t already know, I wanted to be there for her when she found out. Plus, I needed her. I needed her so bad. I felt like everything was falling away from me and I wanted to see her face—know she was okay and still breathing.

  I didn’t bother going in the front door of the church. Instead, I went into the side door that went straight to the kids’ room. If she wasn’t in there, she would be at some point. I looked like shit and I didn’t want the church people looking down on me. Not then—not when I was breaking apart piece by piece.

  I heard her soft crying from around the corner. Once I made it into the room, I found Faith sitting at a table with her head down. Her dark hair spilled over her arms and shined in the sunlight coming through the closest window.

  I wasted no time going to her. I sat in the chair next to her and picked her up from her seat, placing her in my lap. She collapsed against me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I held her close as she wet my shoulder with her tears. Rubbing her back, I tried my best to console her.

  She leaned back and swiped at her red face with the back of her sleeve. “I’m so sorry about Reynolds and Kevin. I can’t believe they’re gone, Finn.” Again, she started to cry. I felt a tear of my own roll off my chin.

  I held her that way until people started to come into the room. When it was time for me to leave, I kissed her cheek with a promise in my eyes that I’d see her again very soon. If she needed me, she knew how to reach me and she knew she could no matter what.

  Reynolds was buried first. Mom and I stood next to his grave as he was lowed into the ground. I felt like I was suffocating, both because of the fact that my boys were gone and the stupid fucking tie I had to wear. I could practically hear Reynolds laughing at me. No doubt about it, if he were still there, he would have gotten a kick out of me wearing a suit.

  I helped his mom make it to her car. She wasn’t even walking on her own. Reynolds’s cousin, Mike, and me were practically carrying her. She was on so many drugs to cope that she was talking out of her head and calling Mike Reynolds. It was so fucking sad to watch.

  That night, Faith called to check on me. It pissed me off that she had to hide being on the phone and I only got to talk to her for three minutes. I missed her and I needed her—she needed me.

  Kevin and Amanda were buried on the same day. By the time they lowered Kevin in the ground, I felt numb. His little sister, Erica, cried on my shoulder as I held her. She was only five; she shouldn’t know what it felt like to lose someone. Kids shouldn’t hurt, but I’d seen enough in my life being tossed from one home to next, and the one thing I knew was that kids were always getting hurt—and somehow they survived.

  Before leaving the graveyard, his mom made me promise to stay in touch. As if I wouldn’t have. Mom and I drove in silence back to the house. By the time we got home, it started to rain. She ran inside and I went into the garage for the first time since the night of the accident.
<
br />   I stood there with my hands on my hips—my tie loosened around my neck—and took in the space. Reynolds’s drums were still strewn around the room from our fight. I sat on his stool and started to put them back together again. Our last moment together beat into my head over and over again. What a fucked-up way to spend your last moments with one of your best friends.

  I picked up his sticks and set them on top of the snare. Reaching up, I wiped away a tear that had slipped down my cheek.

  “Are you okay?” Faith asked from the garage door.

  I hadn’t known she was standing there. She looked so beautiful. Her hair was pinned back and tiny strands had escaped and were dangling around her face. The long black dress she wore touched the ground and black lacey flowers were stitched around the neck.

  Her eyes were red and puffy. Her nose looked raw like she’d just gotten over a bad cold. Seeing her instantly made me feel better. I held my arms out to her and she came to me and sat on my lap. I held her as she cried on my shoulder.

  When she stopped, she looked up at me and softly kissed me on the lips.

  “I missed you,” she said.

  I twirled a piece of her hair around my finger.

  “God, I missed you, too.” I buried my face in her hair and breathed her in. It had only been a few days, but it felt like forever since the last time we’d seen each other.

  “Are you okay?” I asked as I used my thumb to brush away a tear from her cheek.

  “I’ll be okay. You?”

  “I’ll make it. As long as I have you, I’ll make it.”

  I kissed her again. Her kisses were so sweet and undemanding. I could almost forget what it had been like to kiss anyone else.

  “How did you get here? Where’s your dad?”

  She peeked up at me. She looked so guilty that I was almost afraid of her answer.

  “I took my dad’s car. He’s at the church with Amanda’s family. I had to get out of there.”