Finding Faith

by Tabatha Vargo

  I cupped her cheek and smiled. “You shouldn’t have done that. I don’t want you to get in trouble, baby.”

  “I needed to see you.”

  There was no way she could comprehend what her words did for me. I needed her just as badly, and I was thrilled that she was with me, but still worried at the same time. Thinking of consequences was new for me, but when it came to Faith, it’s all I could think about.

  Before she left, I introduced her to my mom. Watching the two women that I loved as they hugged each other and talked like they’d known each other forever did my heart good.

  And just like that, it hit me. I loved Faith. I was crazy in love with her. I couldn’t tell her that yet since I didn’t want to freak her out, but I felt it. I’m sure she knew. She had to know.

  “Faith, I’m so glad I got to meet you,” Mom said as she patted her hand. “Finn hasn’t been the same since he met you—in a good way, of course.”

  She winked over at me and I blushed for the first time in my entire life. Faith laughed and grabbed my hand with a tiny squeeze.

  “I’m so glad I got to meet you, too.”

  I walked Faith to her dad’s car and kissed her once more before she got in.

  “I’ll see you tonight?” she asked.

  I smiled down at her and nodded my head. She really was so adorable. “I’ll pick you up at the stop sign—same time.”

  Her smile lit up my heart that had been so heavy for the last few days. I watched her drive away and smiled to myself. She was so amazing and I was one lucky son of a bitch to have her.

  Fifteen

  Faith

  Burying your best and only friend kills a part of you—the part that held the memories the two of you made over the years. I couldn’t believe Amanda was gone. She’d always been there. Her laughter had sometimes been the only thing that could make me smile after a night with my dad and his belt.

  Her coffin was pink and her mom welcomed all of her friends to sign it with multi-colored permanent markers. The marker shook in my hand as I wrote a message and told her I loved her.

  Flowers took over the space as the entire church community bought bouquets for the family with condolences and donations for her burial. The room smelled of a fresh garden and ladies’ heavy perfume. I couldn’t tell if it was the smells that made me feel sick to my stomach or the fact that her mom had decided on an open coffin.

  I found myself upset at the fact that Amanda was being buried in such a boring dress without a stitch of makeup on her face. No way would she be okay with that. I stood beside her coffin and cried silently until Sister Francis pulled me away.

  Life—it was taken away so quickly and I’d spent all of mine afraid to live. Almost eighteen years of wasting my life following the rules, walking a straight line, afraid that if I stepped off track, the world would explode around me or the devil himself would appear in front of me and pull me into the underworld for eternity.

  Some of the best things I’d experienced in my life so far had been when I was breaking the rules. This was my thinking process as I sat on a chair in the back of the church. Everyone came back there to mourn and eat. Amanda’s mom asked that everyone gather there instead of her house.

  My dad took center stage as he proceeded to talk about how bad the teenagers these days were becoming and how Amanda had gotten caught up with the wrong crowd. I listened with my eyes glued to the plate of food in front of me. Finn was a part of the group he was talking about and I couldn’t help but feel a twinge in my stomach. I missed Finn so much and I needed him.

  Without a second thought, I stood and slipped out the back of the church, grabbing my dad’s keys from his desk on the way out. I already knew because of the accident the reins on me were going to become even tighter. I figured I might as well go out with a bang and at least get to see Finn as much as I could before then. Seeing him somehow made things tolerable.

  I was shocked when he introduced me to his mother. Amanda used to tell me when a guy introduced you to his parents, they were serious about you. Finn was serious about me and I was more than serious about him.

  When I got back from my visit with Finn and his mom, I was happy to see no one even noticed I was gone. Dad’s keys were back on his desk in the nick of time and soon we were going home for the night. I stopped out by Amanda’s grave once more before getting in the car with my parents. I plucked one of the pink roses from the bouquet on top of the fresh dirt.

  “I hope you don’t mind if I take this. I was thinking I’d dry it and close it in my journal.” I paused to take a much needed breath. “I’ll miss you, girl. Be good up there. Try not to give God too much hell,” I whispered into the wind.

  I smiled to myself as I wiped a tear from my cheek.

  As soon as we got home, my mom excused herself and went to her room. She was complaining of one of her stress headaches, but I knew the only thing that gave her a headache was my dad. I headed toward my room as well, but before I got to the hallway, my dad called me back into the living room.

  “Faith, we need to talk.”

  I hated the sound of that. I tucked my dress under me and took a seat on the couch across from him.

  “What is it, Daddy?”

  He pulled off his dress shoes and relaxed in his recliner.

  “Me and your mother have been talking and we’ve come to a decision about something.” He cleared his throat and mine tightened. “We’re moving.”

  I started to panic for a second, but then I realized that he might be talking about another house in the same area. I knew my dad, and he would never leave the church.

  “A house closer to the church?” I asked.

  He shook his head and my chest got heavy. “No, we’re moving to California.”

  His words echoed throughout the room, ricocheted off the walls, and pierced my heart. I was on my feet in that instant, and I was irate. He wasn’t going to do this to me. I couldn’t let him do this.

  “No, we aren’t!” As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I was going to regret them.

  I’d never spoken to my father that way—ever. I patiently waited for him to jump out of his chair, pull off his belt, and beat me until I couldn’t see straight. He stood from his chair and towered over me with angry eyes.

  “Excuse me?”

  I swallowed my nerves and looked him in the eye.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” I flinched when he lifted his hand and ran it across his bald head.

  “You’re going. There’s too much for you to get into around here, and with Amanda’s death, I realize I’m not willing to lose you because you can’t stay away from that boy. I heard about him coming to the church the day we found out about the accident, and I won’t have you following in her footsteps.”

  That boy? He didn’t even have the decency to say his name. Well, I didn’t care what he said. I wasn’t going anywhere without Finn. Without thinking, I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.

  “I love Finn, Daddy. I’m not leaving him. I’m sorry, but I’m seventeen and—”

  The back of his hand connected with my cheek, knocking me back onto the couch. I sat up quickly. My face felt like it was about to explode. The taste of blood rolled across my tongue, making my stomach turn. I placed my palm against my face and looked up at him like he was crazy. I was positive he was. I was older and I knew more. I understood.

  He clawed at his belt before he pulled it off and used it on me. This time I fought back. I grabbed at his belt and pulled at it. Still, he managed to catch me on my arms and even once across my face. The entire time I screamed for him to leave me alone and even once clawed at his arm.

  When he was done, he swiped at the sweat on his forehead and pointed a finger at me.

  “You’re going. As a matter of fact, you’re not leaving this house again until it’s time to go. I’ve already put in a call with some friends on the West Coast. There’s a good church there that could use my services. I think this is the bes
t thing.”

  Backing away from him, I turned toward the front door. I grabbed the knob and prepped my feet to run. I had to get to Finn. He had to know what was going on so we could figure out what to do. I wasn’t going to leave him. I wouldn’t. He was everything to me and the only person left in the world that I cared about.

  My head lurched back when my dad grabbed the back of my hair and pulled me back into the house. Tiny pins pulled from my hair and strands were released into my face.

  “Don’t even think about it. God don’t like ugly, Faith, and you’re disgracing yourself and this family. I hated to do it this way, but you leave me no other choice. I’m a respected man around here. One call to the police and I could have that boy put in prison for a long time. Did you know he sells drugs from his home? I knew that and so does his probation officer.” He jerked me closer to him; my hair was being ripped from its roots. “All I have to do is make a call. Quit being a selfish girl. Think about that mother of his. She can barely make it around without him. Do you really want to take him away from her like that?”

  “You’re lying!”

  He spun me around and again his hand connected with my cheek.

  Then he pulled out a video tape—one that went to those old style VCRs that no one used anymore. He shoved it in my face, the black plastic dug into my cheek.

  “Do you know what this is, Faith?” An angry vein poked out of his forehead. “Of course you don’t. Well, let me tell you what this is. It’s Finn on tape, selling drugs. I bet you know all about drugs and such now that you’re a sinner.” I smacked the tape out of my face and pulled away. “Leave this house, even think about leaving this house, and he’s going to prison for a very long time. You’re no longer allowed to see that boy. It’s over and we’re leaving.”

  I tried not to believe anything he was saying, but it was hard since for my entire life, I’d looked up to my father like he was good and saintly. It also didn’t help that I could remember all the drugs that bounced around Finn’s garage. He didn’t have a job yet, but somehow he’d been able to fix his car and buy things. I didn’t know much about the way drug deals worked, but I assumed Finn was in a good place in the world to be able to do such things. His neighbors alone would make great customers for him.

  I pulled away from my dad again and this time he freed me. I took advantage of the moment and of his age and I ripped open the front door. I knew I was taking a chance on getting Finn into some major trouble, but the thought of just disappearing on him didn’t sit well with me. I knew Finn and I knew he’d want to know what was happening with me, even if it meant false accusations on him.

  I collided with the screened door and went right through it. Tiny pieces of wood splintered into the air. I heard my dad calling out behind me, followed by my mother’s high-pitched voice. Tripping on the broken door, I fell to the ground. My dad latched onto my ankle with strong fingers and I kicked with all my might until he let go. Jumping up, I ran.

  I ran until my lungs ached, my flats beating into the asphalt and echoing into the wind that rushed past me. Tears that I didn’t know I was shedding spread across my cheeks and cooled, leaving my face feeling stiff and swollen. Hair flapped against my face and tangled into the chain around my neck. My cross dug into my palm until I felt like it was bleeding.

  Night was settling in and the air was getting cooler. When I saw a pair of headlights coming my way, I freaked out, knowing it was my father coming after me, so I turned and fled into the patch of woods on the side of the road. I ducked down into the brush as my dad’s car zoomed by.

  I’d done the unthinkable, and I already knew it wasn’t going to end well for me. I was seventeen. I could leave. I could tell my dad to shove it and run away with Finn, but I needed to make sure Finn was on board first. I needed to make sure that he wanted the same from me.

  It took a while, but I finally made it to the closest gas station. My feet burned and lungs ached from breathing in the night air. The cashier looked at me like I was death walking in the store, which made sense since that’s exactly what I felt like.

  “Do you have a phone I can use?” I asked.

  I pulled the chord as far as it would go and punched in Finn’s home number. I prayed as it rang that he would answer and when he did, I nearly burst out into tears again.

  “Finn, I need you. Please come and get me.” The minute the words left my mouth, I began to cry.

  Sixteen

  Finn

  I couldn’t get to her fast enough. From the second I heard her crying on the phone and telling me she needed me, I was out the front door. I broke the speed limit the entire way to her side of town and left most of the rubber from my tires on the road. When I pulled up to the gas station and saw her sitting on the sidewalk in her pretty black dress and her hair all tangled up, I was angry. I wanted to put my fist through her dad’s face—pastor or no pastor.

  She stood, my headlights blinding her, and adjusted her dress. She looked like a weeping willow in a spot of sunlight. I jumped out of my car and went to her. Pulling her into my arms, I held her close and breathed her in.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “I am now.”

  She looked up at me with a broken smile. I caught a wayward tear on her cheek with my thumb.

  “Come on. You’re coming home with me.”

  I held her hand on the ride back to my house. By the time we got there, she was asleep. Instead of waking her, I went around to her side of the car, opened the door, and carried her in my house. She wrapped her arms around my neck and breathed softly into my ear.

  Mom had gone to bingo with some friends in hopes of hitting the big-ass jackpot and paying some bills, so the house was empty and quiet.

  I carried Faith straight to my room and laid her on my bed. She turned and sighed into my pillow. Her hair spread across my pillow and a tiny smile formed on her mouth. She looked so peaceful. She fit perfectly there, and I silently wished that she would sleep there every night.

  I left her there, turned everything off in the house, and then went to shower. The bathroom steamed up as I let the hot water wash away the bad memories of the week that passed. So many life-changing things happened to me in the last week—the loss of my brothers and hopefully, the permanence of Faith.

  I turned off the shower, wrapped a towel around my junk, and then crept into my room to get some clothes. My room was dark—the only sound was the osculating fan that I couldn’t sleep without. I pulled open my top drawer and grabbed a pair of boxers.

  Turning around, I was about to drop my towel and slip on the boxers, but I stopped when I realized Faith was standing across the room, staring at me. Her eyes burned me as they moved down from my face, past my neck and chest, and landed on the part of my towel that was slowly lifting.

  I expected her to turn away or leave the room, but instead, she walked up to me and slid her arms around my neck. Her fingers moved across the droplets of water that lingered on my back before she worked them through my wet hair. I sucked in a breath when she pressed her sweet mouth to my chest.

  I tangled my fingers in the back of her hair and lifted her face to mine. I kissed her slowly, memorizing her mouth with my tongue. She pressed into me and dug her nails into my back as if she couldn’t get enough.

  I turned, pressing her up against the wall. Lifting her dress, I wrapped her legs around my hips. She didn’t stop me; instead, she began to move her hips like she knew what she was doing. Our panting breaths filled the room as we kissed. Dropping my mouth to her neck, I kissed softly, nipping at her earlobe before sucking it into my mouth.

  “Please Finn,” she said over and over again.

  I knew what she was asking me for, but it was too soon. Things were too emotionally fucked up right now, and I didn’t want her searching for consolation in the wrong places. Her friend had just died and her father had just attacked her.

  Thinking about what she told me in the car before she fell asleep was making me crazy. He h
it her and from what she’d said, it was for no reason at all. That son of bitch hit her!

  I growled a little before taking her mouth again. I felt like an animal—wild and ready to rip someone apart. She tugged at her dress, making it move up past her hips, before she began to grind against my towel, against my hard cock. It was then that I knew I had to stop. I was ready to go all the way, but it was wrong. It was the worst time for her to lose her virginity. Once she was done grieving for Amanda, she’d hate me for taking advantage.

  I pulled away from her and used my hand to block my hardness. “Faith, we have to stop.”

  I was breathing like I’d just run a marathon. Every muscle in my body was tight as if I’d been working them all at the same time.

  She shocked me as she followed me, slid her arms around my neck again, and then started kissing me again. She tasted so sweet and her body felt so amazing against mine. I wanted to keep going. I wanted it more than anything, but again, I pulled away. I had to be the levelheaded one.

  She looked up at me with pain in her eyes. “Please, Finn, just give me this night. Please.”

  That made no sense to me. We had all the nights of our lives if we wanted them.

  “There’ll be other nights. We have the rest of our lives, Faith. A lot has happened this week. Let me hold you and when you’re really ready and only when you’re really ready—”

  She captured my face in her hands and kissed me again, harder. I kissed her back and then pulled away. “I’m ready, Finn. I’ve never been more ready. What if this is the only night we have together?”

  I was confused.

  “But it’s not. Don’t even say that.”

  “I know, but what if it was? What if someone tried to take me away from you?”

  I couldn’t even fathom the idea.

  “That won’t happen,” I said.

  I clenched my jaws so hard my teeth ached.

  “But how do you know?” she asked.

  “Because I’d kill anyone who tried to take you away… either that or I’d die fighting for you. No one will ever take you away from me—ever.”