by Lacey London
‘Who’s coming on the Serpent’s Slave with me?’ Oliver raises his eyebrows and points to a rather scary looking entrance in the distance.
‘I’ll stay with Noah.’ I let out a forced sigh and push the pram forward, secretly happy to have an excuse to get out of this one. ‘You guys go on and I’ll take photos.’
‘Mom?’ He asks, taking off his sunglasses and resting them on his baseball cap. ‘Are you feeling brave?’
‘Honey, I was born brave!’ Tearing off her handbag, Janie shoves it in my arms before frog marching Oliver towards the frankly terrifying ride.
Deliberately keeping a few steps behind, I try not to laugh as Janie challenges Oliver to ride every rollercoaster in the park ten times over. If I am totally honest, I think I have grown out of the whole being turned upside down at eighty miles an hour thing. For some reason, it just doesn’t do anything for me anymore. Maybe tackling Thorpe Park with Lianna and the world’s worst hangover might have something to do with it. Promising myself that I will at least hold Noah on the teacups, I follow the overpowering stench of Janie’s perfume and hover by the entrance. Deciding that the sound effects are a little frightening for a two-year-old, I take the pram and wait by a nearby bench.
My skin sticks to the insanely hot metal, causing me to let out a screech which sets Noah off on a giggling frenzy.
‘Well, I am glad that you find it funny.’ I mutter, grabbing Janie’s handbag and using it as a cushion.
An employee of the park catches my eye and sidles over, despite my attempts to look not interested.
‘Can I get you an ice-cream, ma’am?’ The young redhead points to her cart and pulls out a board. ‘I’ve got whipped cream, cookie sandwiches and everyone’s favourite, sundaes.’
‘Ice cream!’ Noah yells, struggling to get out of his pram. ‘Mummy!’
‘I think we need to have our lunch first.’ Attempting to walk away, I am stopped in my tracks by an ear piercing scream.
‘I want ice-cream!’ Between kicking his legs and screaming louder than Carrie Bradshaw at a Manolo Blahnik sale, he starts to gain the attention of those around us.
Not wanting to cause a scene, I dig around in my pocket for some change. Remembering that all of our cash is in Oliver’s wallet, I smile helplessly at the vendor and try to get Noah to calm down. Obviously being unhappy at not getting his ice-cream, he turns a worrying shade of purple and screams even louder than before. Just as I am wanting the ground to swallow me up, I spot Janie’s handbag on the bench. Surely she wouldn’t mind if I borrowed a few dollars? Quickly grabbing the bag, I fumble with the pink fluffy zip for what feels like an eternity before it finally relents. I jam my hand inside to feel around for a purse, resulting only in spilling the entire contents out onto the floor in front of me.
‘Sh… sugar!’ I groan, dropping to my knees and scrambling around on the pavement.
Luckily a couple of tourists come to my rescue and start gathering up Janie’s belongings. Tossing in numerous red lipsticks, anti-aging pills and a ton of Xanax, I push myself to my feet and pass the vendor a handful of coins. All that for a bloody ice-cream! Accepting a huge sundae, I tear off the wrapper and pass it to Noah, who has replaced his tears with cries of joy.
Deciding to make a swift exit and escape into the gift shop, I take the pram by the handles and attempt to squeeze through the crowd. Just as I am pushing my way inside, I feel a tiny tap on my shoulder.
‘Excuse me, ma’am?’
Spinning around to see an elderly gentleman who is inanely grinning from ear to ear, I return his smile and shield my eyes from the sunshine.
‘You dropped these…’
Looking down at his open palm, my jaw drops to the floor as I realise that he is holding out a giant pack of strawberry flavoured condoms. My cheeks burn like hot lava as I snatch the box out of his hands and throw it under the pram. Not daring to look him in the eye for fear of dying of embarrassment, I turn on my heels and scurry inside. Thankfully Noah is too busy devouring his ice-cream to notice the X-rated package that is now hiding beneath his nappy bag. What the hell is Janie doing with a jumbo pack of prophylactics? She is most certainly past childbearing age and her husband is over a thousand miles away in Texas! Feeling rather nauseated at the thought of my mother-in-law doing anything that could cause a need for condoms, I strategically stand beneath the air conditioning and wait for my face to return to its normal shade.
Once confident that I’m not going to spontaneously combust, I slip the offending box into Janie’s handbag and make my way back to the bench. In a stroke of luck, anyone who witnessed my handbag incident seems to have disappeared and in their place are a bunch of new faces. A cart whizzes past on the tracks overhead, causing the waiting crowd to erupt into cheers. Suddenly remembering that I promised to take photos, I grab my camera and snap away idly. Just as I’m about to slip my camera back into my bag, a second cart fires along. Oh, maybe they’re on that one? Quickly getting a picture of that one too, I perch on the bench and keep my eyes fixed on the exit. They are so high up that they won’t be able to tell either way, hopefully.
A moment later I spot Janie’s familiar beehive bobbing around in the crowd and raise my hand in acknowledgement. Her tattooed on eyebrows are arched higher than ever as she holds onto Oliver’s arm for dear life. It looks like someone isn’t so brave after all. Oliver on the other hand is beaming from ear to ear, his curls blown back from being thrown around like a ragdoll.
‘Did you get a picture?’ He asks, reaching out for the camera.
‘Mmm hmm…’ Handing it over, I point to the tiny specs in the corner of the screen. ‘There you are.’
Taking off his sunglasses, he squints at the camera unconvinced before breaking into laughter. ‘It was awesome! Mom nearly passed out!’
‘I most certainly did not!’ Janie fires back, seeming a little unsteady on her feet. ‘Is there anywhere to get a drink around here?’
‘Need a little something to settle your nerves?’ Oliver teases, strategically placing himself out of Janie’s reach.
Hitting him on the arm, I hand him Noah’s pram before pulling Janie to one side.
‘Here’s your handbag. I borrowed some money to buy Noah an ice-cream, I hope you don’t mind.’ Watching her reaction, I hand over the fluffy bag and wait for a response.
‘Not at all.’ Slipping the handbag onto her shoulder, she drops down the straps on her swimsuit and carries on walking.
Not being able to bring myself to mention the Hefner worthy stash of condoms, I chew the inside of my cheek and follow her lead. Just when I thought that nothing Janie did could surprise me, she goes and does something like this. Not that she intended for me to go rifling through her handbag and discovering her berry flavoured birth control, obviously.
Narrowly avoiding a sundae disaster, I take the remnants of Noah’s ice-cream and dispose of it in a nearby bin. I am now left with one very sticky, but very happy baby. Result. Sticking my tongue out at him, I rest my arms on the handles of the pram as Oliver comes to a stop at a slushy stand. Tons of cocktails and mocktails fill the chalkboard, each one sounding more delicious than the last.
‘Can we take three daiquiris, please?’ Oliver asks the vendor. ‘Mom, what flavour do you want?’
Applying yet another layer of pillar box red to overly inflated lips, Janie slips the lipstick back into her handbag and flashes me a wink.
‘Strawberry…’
Fixing her eyes on mine, she lets out a loud hoot and shakes her messy beehive. A shudder runs along my spine as I look away and try my hardest not to laugh. I think it’s safe to say that I won’t be looking at a strawberry the same way ever again…
In a world filled with peas, be a strawberry…
Chapter 8
Kissing a sloshed Janie on both cheeks, I watch her wobble off along the lobby and disappear into her hotel room.
‘Do you think she will be alright?’ I whisper to Oliver, who is shaking his head in revulsi
on at the sight of his highly intoxicated mother.
‘She’ll be fine.’
‘Are you sure? She has had so much to drink!’ Janie’s drunken state might be very funny, but I am genuinely a little concerned about her welfare.
‘Trust me.’ Oliver laughs and turns the pram around. ‘I’ve seen her drink more at breakfast.’
Stifling a giggle, I link my arm through his as we make our way back to the lift. Luckily for us, there weren’t any available rooms on our level, so Janie is an entire floor beneath us. I know this might sound mean, but if you’ve ever had the displeasure of sharing an adjoining room with her, you would be relieved too. Peeking into the pram, I am thankful to see that Noah is finally starting to doze off.
‘Do you think we could sneak one final drink before we hit the hay?’ I look up at Oliver hopefully and smile as he steps inside and jabs the button labelled bar.
With Janie being so sozzled, we have spent the entire evening making sure that she didn’t offend anyone with her drunken ramblings. From brandy and vodka to gin and bourbon, I am pretty sure she has made her way through the entire bar menu. Babysitting a bold sixty something as well as a grumpy two-year-old is not easy. I think a quiet drink alone is well deserved, even if I do say so myself. The lift doors ping open and we step out into the reception hall. Clocking Brittany behind the check-in desk, I flash her a smile and the thumbs up sign.
‘Is she OK?’ She asks, tossing her shiny brown hair over her shoulder.
‘She is, thanks for asking. We’ve put her to bed.’ Rolling my eyes, I let out a little laugh as Brittany chuckles into her white collar.
Thank goodness she saw the funny side! A lot of other hotel workers would have probably thrown us out. After all, not everyone finds the sight of a befuddled grandmother hilarious.
‘She did seem to be really enjoying those cocktails…’ Brittany winks and bats her unbelievably long eyelashes.
‘I think she enjoyed them a little too much.’ Oliver muses, pushing the pram towards the bar.
‘Have a great evening and make sure you come see me tomorrow for the park tickets!’ Turning her attention to a waiting customer, she gives us a wave and gets back to her work.
I must remember to mention Brittany on our hotel feedback form. She is easily the friendliest, most helpful member of staff I have ever encountered. I’ve already passed on my comments to her manager, but isn’t it rare these days that you find someone who actually loves doing their job? Those people whose passion just shines out of them like a beacon?
‘Isn’t Brittany lovely?’ I gush, taking a seat in a booth at the back of the room.
‘Yeah, she’s great.’ Strumming his fingers on the table, he pushes the drinks menu towards me. ‘What do you want?’
‘Surprise me.’ Pushing it back towards him, I smile brightly as he orders two Amaretto Sours with the waiter.
A few people stop to coo over Noah, who is snoozing lightly in the comfort of his pram. Before we had Noah, we used to take moments like this for granted. You know, those precious few minutes of alone time where the only things you have to worry about are each other. Reaching over the table, I entwine my fingers with his and let out a yawn. An afternoon of walking around an amusement park in the intense heat has really taken it out of me. I don’t really know why. All I have done is wait with Noah whilst Oliver and Janie battle it out for the title of Rollercoaster King. To be honest, condom incident aside, I have actually had a lot of fun today. Watching Janie’s beehive become more and more erratic with each ride that she went on has been entertainment in itself.
The waiter reappears with two elaborate looking cocktail glasses and I lick my lips greedily.
‘Just so you know, our special tonight is a strawberry mojito.’ With a quick nod of the head, he leaves a bowl of nuts on the table and scoots back to the bar.
I shudder at the word strawberry and wonder if it would be weird for me to tell Oliver about condom-gate.
‘I could inhale a strawberry mojito right now…’ Gulping down his drink, he motions to the waiter that we will take two of the specials.
Oh, God! Alright. I’m just going to have to say it.
Running my fingers through my crazy curls, I try to keep a nonchalant tone to my voice. ‘You know when you went on that ride earlier? The very first one?’
He looks up at the ceiling as he recalls the name of the ride. ‘Serpent’s Slave?’
I nod my head and stir my straw idly around the glass. ‘Well, I borrowed some money from your mum’s purse to buy Noah an ice-cream and she had some pretty weird stuff in there…’
Shooting me a puzzled stare, he leans into the pram to check on Noah. ‘What kind of weird?’
I look down into my cocktail and rack my brains for a way to tell him that his mother carries more condoms than a brothel in her handbag. Maybe I should just keep it to myself. I mean, what man wants to hear that about his own mum? Having second thoughts, I open my mouth in an attempt to change the subject, but Oliver beats me to it.
‘Clara? What kind of weird?’ Oliver lets out a little laugh, but I can tell from the expression on his face that he is feeling uneasy.
Suddenly feeling frozen to the spot, I try to think of something to say to steer the conversation in another direction. Anything. Think, Clara! Think!
‘Believe me, nothing you say could surprise me.’
I doubt that very much. Deciding just to come out with it, I take a deep breath and attempt to keep my face straight. ‘Well, she had a ton of Xanax, enough anti-aging pills to smooth out E.T and…’
‘And?’ He prompts, obviously tiring of this game.
‘And… a jumbo pack of strawberry condoms.’
Right on cue, the waiter returns and places two neon pink drinks down in front us.
‘Two strawberry mojitos, enjoy!’
Laughter starts to bubble in the pit of my stomach and no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop it from escaping my lips. Unfortunately, Oliver doesn’t crack a smile.
‘What the hell are you talking about?’ Furrowing his brow, he pushes the mojito away.
‘I’m being serious!’ Desperately trying to control my laughter, I will him to see the funny side. ‘I just thought it was weird, that’s the only reason I am telling you about it.’
Refusing to look at me, he flips open his mobile phone as his cheeks colour up. Not being able to resist probing the subject further, I take a sip of my drink and lean back in my seat.
‘Don’t you think it’s weird?’ I choose my words carefully, making sure that I don’t erupt into a fit of giggles.
‘Jeez, Clara!’ Shooting me a glare, he bangs his hand down on the table. ‘Yeah, I think it’s weird! How could it not be weird?’
‘But why does she have them? You don’t just carry a hundred condoms in your handbag for the sake of it! Especially married women of your mum’s age…’
An unreadable expression appears on his face as he studies me carefully. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m not saying anything!’ Suddenly feeling a little defensive, I start to regret even bringing it up. ‘I just thought it was weird!’
We both sit there in complete silence, neither of us wanting to address the elephant in the room. A waitress drops a glass behind the bar, causing Noah to start whining in his pram. Sliding out of the booth, I push the pram back and forth for a while, slowly realising that that he isn’t going to settle.
‘We should probably take him up to the room.’ I sigh, resorting to picking him up and holding him on my hip.
Finishing the last of his drink, Oliver throws down some cash and takes control of the pram. Following him out of the bar, I have a quick scan of the reception area for Brittany. Not seeing her familiar mop of hair, we are about to step inside the lift when a tiny voice grabs my attention.
‘Mrs Morgan?’
Spinning around to see a tall girl with a blonde bob running across the foyer, I pull Oliver aside and let another couple take the
lift.
‘Your suitcases have arrived from the airport.’ Handing me a small ticket, she flashes me a grin and points at an elderly man behind the desk. ‘Robert has taken them up to your room for you.’
‘Brilliant!’ After the shock of discovering Janie’s condom stash earlier, I had totally forgotten about our missing cases. ‘That really is fantastic. Thank you so much.’
Looking up at Oliver happily, I slip the ticket into my pocket and step into the adjacent lift. Finally! Finally I can get my make-up bag back and start to look alive again. Lianna might be able to rock the au naturel look, but without my Touché Éclat and lengthening mascara, I always get those - Are you sick? You look a little different, but I can’t quite put my finger on it comments that make my blood boil.
Quickly stripping Noah of his shorts and t-shirt, I hand him over to Oliver for a bedtime story.
‘My case!’ I squeal, running over to the fluorescent pink suitcase and throwing my arms around it. ‘Oh, how I have missed you.’
Dragging it onto the bed I fumble with the lock until it springs open, revealing all my precious belongings. Designer dresses, stunning swimsuits and spectacular sandals spill out onto the sheets. Resisting the temptation to dive onto the bed and roll around in them, I perch on the edge and run my fingers over the soft fabrics. Making a mental promise to myself to never take them for granted ever again, I arrange them neatly in the wardrobe before setting out my cosmetics on the dresser.
Wandering over to the window, I hold back the curtain and watch the fireworks in the distance. Flashes of red, green and gold sparkle against the black backdrop, creating a dazzling rainbow for all the world to see. The bursts of colour are almost electrifying and I find myself mesmerised by the dancing collection of gems in the sky. Tearing myself away, I plop down onto the bed and flick through the pile of shiny pamphlets. From water parks and restaurants to museums and beaches. You could visit Florida for an entire month and still not manage to hit up every tourist spot.