Jam Sandwiches

by Greg Fowler

  Where are you leading me little lady?

  ‘Well?’ he inquired as he fell in beside her.

  ‘Well what?’ She knew damn well ‘what?’ and while she didn’t flash another one of her cheeky grins it was pushing up from within like the bubbles in a soft drink.

  ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘You’ll find out.’

  As odd as it was, Eddy had never been down this end of the street before. Sure, he’d left the house a few times now, but that had always meant going off in the other direction. The only thing down this way was more houses and the empty lot. Despite that, it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

  There, across the road, was the McKenzie place. The white car was out front and everything seemed quiet within. If there had ever been a fire around that kitchen window, you couldn’t tell it now. Rory McKenzie had saved the insurance company some money by doing the work himself. He didn’t have to, it was an accident and he didn’t owe the insurer anything, it was just the sort of guy he was. The twin boys were just on two years old now and, from what Eddy had seen from both their visits to his place and the front window, they were a right handful. It was amazing how fast they could go from helpless bundles of feed me, change me to a dynamic duo on the constant prowl for the next dose of trouble.

  Mr McKenzie wanted another one (not two, just one would do) and so did Penny. They hadn’t told each other about their symmetrical secrets yet…but they would. It’d mean squeezing the pennies for another year or two but they wouldn’t have it any other way. They were made for this parenting thing and when God blessed you with a gift, you took it and ran with it.

  Two doors further down was Mrs Elsdon’s. Always so nice and tidy. She couldn’t do it herself these days of course, so she was paying one of the local kids a few bucks to mow the lawn and weed the garden every week. They were never going to leave her a note under the green stone out the back but at least she could satisfy herself that Ben would see the yard all tidy from wherever it was he was watching her from. And he was watching. She was certain of that now.

  And then there was the house right next to the empty lot. The one with the fence that acted as a backstop and goal post for countless childhood games over the years. That was Heather Cooper’s house. Eddy had never met Heather. The most he’d ever seen was her shadow as she drove to work every morning. But as he got nearer to the brick house, badly in need of some tender loving care but tidy all the same, he began getting a picture of this lady.

  She wasn’t all that old, he knew that much at least from her drive bys. Thirty something probably, was his guess. She was a dreamer, was Mrs Cooper….Miss, actually. She wasn’t married and had never really even had a serious boyfriend. That’s what she told the very few who asked anyway. She had in fact had one, but that was almost half her life ago now. She’d been fifteen when she’d met Steve. Heather had always loved her music and had taken piano lessons from an old lady not far from her childhood home. Steve had been another student who always seemed to have the lesson before her, and so they’d regularly run into each other on the way in or out. The odd hello turned into the frequent chat and before she knew it, he’d asked her out for a date. A night at the movies it had been, a James Bond flick, she could never remember which one. There was a reason for that too. She and Steve hadn’t seen much of the movie from the back seat.

  For five years they’d gone out together and like bread and butter, they went everywhere stuck to each other. Little known to them at the time, both sets of parents had even accepted that these two looked destined to carry out the classic childhood romance theme and end up getting married and living happily ever after. It wasn’t meant to be though. Hindsight was 20/20 and when Heather looked back at it (as she often did even a decade and a half later) she was ashamed for herself. Looking back, the writing had been on the wall for a good year before it finally collapsed altogether. Steve had been going through the motions, nothing more, nothing less and she supposed that she’d been doing a little bit of the same. Such things could be contagious despite the best of intentions.

  One day, with the angst of wavering love battering her heart, she’d decided to turn up at his place out of the blue. He hadn’t been there, nobody had, so she’d waited for Steve on the front porch. For two hours she’d sat there, just watching the world cruise on by and feeling her pulse lift each time a car turned into the street. Eventually the right one did. It pulled halfway up the driveway and stopped dead, Steve in the driver’s seat and another girl in the passenger seat…Heather’s seat.

  She supposed it was a good thing in the end. Better to find these things out sooner rather than later, but at the time it had stabbed her like a knife. Under the circumstances he’d been kind of good about it. He’d called a taxi for the other girl, the one with way too much make up and the big boobs, and after she’d gone he’d sat with Heather, right there on that front porch step. He’d said he was sorry and she tended to believe him. Not so much sorry that he’d cheated on her and found a new fling, more so for the fact that he knew she deserved better than that and he’d failed to at least honour the last five years of their lives by doing this the right way. The right way of course being to cut the cord first. Make it quick, make it final.

  She’d ended up walking away with the knowledge that it was over forever. The shock of it had seen her leave with some grace, and she’d been relieved for that. Creating a big scene would’ve only made a bad thing worse. Once she’d got around the corner though, the shock of it all had worn off and she’d cried like a baby on the side of the main road. She still recalled the looks of the curious drivers as they passed by. She had wanted to hate them for their detachment but she didn’t have the energy left for it. Finally she’d resorted to calling her parents from a pay phone and they’d both come down and picked her up. They knew what to do. They’d said absolutely nothing, and for a while there was nothing they could say.

  Fifteen years later and Steve was still the only one. It hadn’t been his fault really. It hadn’t been anyone’s fault when it came down to it. You do a lot of growing and maturing between the ages of fifteen and twenty. You don’t necessarily see it from the inside, but then again, you can wake up one Monday morning, look in the mirror and frighten yourself with how the days have melted into years. Even the slowest of things eventually catch up.

  Heather had had the odd one night stand, that much was true. Maybe even the odd two night stand come to think of it, but nothing she wanted to see go any further. They just weren’t right and that’s what probably made them fit for purpose. Now in her mid thirties, she’d already resigned herself to a life of spinsterhood. It wasn’t that bad really, she kept reminding herself. You answered to nobody but yourself. You did what you wanted, when you wanted, how you wanted. She was free. But then again, so is a person lost in a desert.

  Routine was her foundation. She got up, went to work as a PA for a local packaging supply company, came home, cooked meat and three vegetables, watched TV and went to bed. Yep, she got to do whatever she wanted.

  Eddy came to know all of this as he approached the end of the street. He knew that Heather Cooper was much more vulnerable than she ever let on. More than maybe she knew herself. In those quiet moments, after she’d turned the light out and laid her head on the pillow, she’d occasionally find a sense of honesty. She never lied to anyone else, just to the person that mattered most… herself. In the peace and warmth of her own bed she could find the courage to admit the facade, the masquerade mask that she wore to justify her lonely existence. If Steve did the fairy tale thing and knocked on her door one day, she’d say ‘yes’ before he could even ask the question. Yes, yes, yes, to anything and everything he said. But it wasn’t going to happen. He lived in another city now. He was married (not to Miss Too Much Makeup and Big Boobs though) and had himself the nuclear family. She could dial him if she wanted, she knew his number off by heart. But she wouldn’t. As her father used to say, that’d be a hiding to nothing.
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  But if she could find another Steve, would she accept that? A few years back the answer would have been a definite ‘no’. But just the same as she and Steve had slowly but inexorably drifted apart, so had her sense of the honest answer changed. ‘Yes’, she would project out into the darkness of her bedroom, ‘I am lonely and alone, and I don’t like it anymore’. Maybe, just maybe, if she met someone nice, someone who would accept her for who she really was, the baggage, the lot, then was a family of her own out of the question?

  In the morning light though, all the cracks were laid bare. Noone would want her, the girl who cries on the side of the road for everyone to laugh at. So why bother? Why get your hopes up and put yourself out there if all it will end up in is heartache? Cut your losses and move on, that was another Dad special. Just cut your losses and move on.

  The other aspect of her life of routine that Eddy picked up on was her one flight of fancy. Every Friday, at the end of the working week, she’d stop at the store on the way home and buy herself a lottery ticket. It was a flippant dream, she knew that, but each Friday night and Saturday, up until the official draw, she’d have reason to wonder. What if, miracle of miracles, she actually won? What would she do? Time after time she imagined how it would play out. Mr Forst could shove his job, that would be certain. His wife didn’t deserve him and he was a lousy boss. But then what? Would she call Steve and rub his nose in it? No, that would be rude…. or revenge? That other thing that kept coming up in these millionaire fantasies was travel, foreign travel. She’d go somewhere exotic, like Monaco or Venice. A place where she could sip a glass of wine and feel like she’d caught up with the world again. Where it wasn’t passing her by and where she was riding the wave. And, just perhaps, that’s what it took to make it all come back together. Could it be, she wondered, that the right man was unobtainable because she was living in a different time scale. That they didn’t see her because she was removed from their reality. If she caught up again and slipped silently back into their world, would they see her again? Oh, wouldn’t it be wonderful.

  And then came Saturday night. More often than not, the first of the seven numbers to come out would shatter her fantasies completely and another week would commence.

  She always purchased the same numbers, week in and week out. 3, 7, 11, 15, 23, 29 and 36. She was absolutely religious about that. The fear of course being that the one time she didn’t, you could guarantee that they’d come in. Murphy’s Law.

  But there was one number that nagged her. Eddy pictured it in his mind like a weight registering on a scale. A weight that was caught between two numbers, one higher, one lower and they kept interchanging, first one, then the other. 15, then 14, then 15 again.

  Why? What’s the story with those numbers Heather?

  And then it came to him.

  Every one of those seven numbers had a purpose. They represented such vague concepts as favourite numbers right through to birthdates. Mum’s on the 3rd, Dad’s on the 23rd. And her’s on the 15th…or was it? That was the issue. She’d always celebrated her birthday on the 15th but it was the subject of an ongoing discussion in the extended Cooper family. When exactly was young Heather born, the 15th or the 14th? Her mother was adamant she’d been born at 12.05am on the 15th of September. Her father, on the other hand, was just as convinced it had been at 11.55pm on the 14th. Mother’s usually won these battles of course and so the 15th it had been. That didn’t mean her father had surrendered the point though. Every year without fail he’d have his say and every year, without fail, she’d have a birthday dinner at her parents on the 15th, where her dad would always kiss her on the cheek and wish her Happy Birthday ‘for yesterday’. But he was totally and utterly convinced, that was the thing. Her mother had been drugged to the eyeballs during the actual birth and he’d been stone cold sober, so who’d been more lucid, he’d argue.

  So even though she always took those same, solid seven numbers, there were days when she wavered. It’d be after a particularly tough week with Mr Forst, when she’d pull the car into the lot outside the shop. Just this once?, she’d ask herself. Should I do the 14 thing, just to see what happens? It was all a waste of time though, because she’d invariably walk out that door with a ticket much the same as any other ticket from any other week. Seven familiar numbers and one familiar fantasy.

  ‘Hey Reagan.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Wait there a second.’ They’d gone passed Heather Cooper’s place but Eddy had an itch he had to scratch.

  Taking a pencil out of his pocket (since the penance of study he always carried a pencil with him now) he jogged over to the Cooper letterbox. Reaching around under the flap, and hoping like heck no one else was watching this, he pulled out an envelope. Nothing special by the looks of it, just another bill.

  ‘What are you doing?’ asked a confused Reagan.

  ‘Nothing.’

  Reagan knew not to bother with this one. She’d find out soon in her own way anyway. Eddy always told her in the end. So instead she just observed from a distance as he scribbled something boldly on the envelope and put it back where it came from. Then, slipping the pencil back in his pocket, Eddy cruised up beside her again, ready to continue their little trek.

  ‘What did you write?’

  ‘I told her that the 14th was a great day to be born.’

  Reagan shot him a quizzical stare that Eddy pretended to ignore. If she was taking him somewhere, then it was about time they got there.

  69. EDDY GOES TO SCHOOL

  Feeling pretty good about what he’d just done, Eddy marched side by side with Reagan right up to where the empty lot stood out like a broken tooth. And it was there that he discovered something he hadn’t been aware of before. Right next to the fence on the other side of the lot from Heather Cooper’s place ran a well worn path leading through a copse of Willow trees and on to the next street over. He hadn’t been aware of it because, being down the end on his side of the street, it was blocked from his view.

  This was suddenly getting a bit more exciting.

  Winding in and out of the weeping willows, they eventually came back out into the open and, for the very first time, Eddy got to see the school responsible for all those daily bells.

  So this is the home of all that fun and laughter. This is where all those kids were going every day.

  ‘Follow me this way,’ instructed Reagan as she broke into a jog, crossing the street and racing through the front gate. After checking left, then right, then left again, Eddy followed suit.

  He caught up with her in a playground next to one of the classrooms. She was already sitting in a swing like she owned the place and had been waiting years for him to arrive. Eddy timidly grabbed the swing next to her. He’d never ridden one of these contraptions before and it hardly seemed like enough to hold him up let alone fly back and forth on. Lowering himself gently into the strip of rubber that passed for a seat, he watched as Reagan effortlessly manipulated her weight so that she started moving by him like a pendulum.

  ‘Come on,’ she said, poking her tongue out at him.

  ‘I’ll f…fall off.’

  ‘No you won’t.’

  Eddy could see if he didn’t give this a fair shot, Reagan was going to get up and push him, whether he liked it or not. So, taking her efforts as the prime example, he swung his legs out, then tucked them back in until, low and behold, he started making headway. Nowhere near as much as Reagan of course. Not on your life. But enough so the experience was a fair balance between fear and fun. In fact, after feeling a bit more certain he wasn’t about to face plant, he discovered himself smiling and actually enjoying the feel of the breeze rustling through his hair.

  Thanks Reagan. I needed this.

  After a few minutes of really letting loose, Reagan pulled in the reins letting the swing settle back to stillness and, feeling that she was wanting to say something, Eddy did the same.

  ‘Eddy?’ she said in a thoughtful tone.

  ‘Yep.’r />
  ‘What do you think we’re gonna be when we grow up?’

  ‘Gees Reagan. I think you’re pretty grown up now.’ Eddy could tell by her reaction his answer had meant more to her than he’d intended. In his eyes, she was grown up. She certainly looked like a lady, even when you took into account the baggy tracksuit, so her response was strange to him.

  ‘Remember when I used to say I was going to be a movie star?’

  ‘Yep. Y…you said that lots.’

  ‘It’s not going to happen, is it?’ Her eyes had left the frivolity of the swing behind and now she was looking at him, almost begging for an answer that made sense.

  ‘I c…can’t see for you…remember.’ Eddy hated the words as they fell out but he wasn’t prepared to make up something she wanted to hear. That would be wrong.

  ‘I know, I know. I’m not asking you to do that, I just want to know what you think. The real you.’

  ‘I think you c…can be anything you want to be Reagan.’

  ‘You sound like my mum.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  Then came one of those friendly moments of silence, where each of them took a trip within, just to see where it would lead them. Finally it was Reagan who broke the deadlock, and Eddy wouldn’t have had it any other way.

  ‘I’m scared Eddy.’

  ‘Why?’ That was about the last thing he’d expected to hear her say.

  ‘It’s hard to explain.’ Scuffing her foot across the concrete, Reagan sent a stone skipping from one end of the playground to the other. ‘It’s like all my dreams are suddenly out of reach. I’m not even seventeen yet and I feel as if my life’s already laid out for me. It’s not fair. I watch all these people get up and go off every day to do something they hate. They go because they have to. The bills, the mortgage, the family. It’s like they’re dead already. They’re zombies, just walking around until somebody or something does them the favour of killing them properly.’ This time, choosing to pick up a stone instead, she tossed it so it clanked all the way down the slide, just like her mood. ‘I don’t want to be like that Eddy. It’ll drive me crazy. Look what it did to my Dad.’