by T. K. Chapin
“You put him in the friend zone.”
I laughed. “Not necessarily. I’m just getting out of a divorce.”
“I thought that was two years ago.”
“Yeah, it was two years ago, but so what? You can’t put a time frame on healing.”
“You’re just an eagle living with a bunch of chickens.”
“What?”
“You can fly, but you won’t spread your wings and give it a shot. You’d rather stick with what’s comfortable.”
Ignoring him, I continued to pick up the laundry, but with a frustration to how I conducted myself, throwing each piece forcefully into the basket. Mac didn’t know what he was talking about. He hadn’t been there when Jonathan broke my heart and my daughter’s.
I stopped.
“I’m not going to keep quiet. You know what, Mac? You don’t understand the pain I went through when my husband left me and my daughter. Your wife died and is gone, but she loved you till her last breath. My husband willingly left us and chose not to love us.” Covering my mouth as shock rippled through me at my lack of self-control, I quickly followed it up. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, don’t be sorry. You were being real—I like that. You can be mad at me if you want, but you know I’m right. I know my son and he’s a good man. I understand you were hurt in a way I nor any other guy will ever understand, but living in fear is no way to live.”
“I have to go toss this in the washer and get ready for church. Have a good morning, Mac.”
Venturing back to the guest house, I pushed aside the conversation with Mac, but I did take note of his kind words about his son. Mac didn’t seem to care about anyone, and the fact that he mentioned goodness with Luke meant something. Arriving inside the guest house, I found Kayla was already completely dressed, her makeup and hair done, and sitting on the couch with her Bible on her lap.
“Wow. Look at you, being a good little church girl.”
“Mac said to me the other day that if I want a better life, I have to plant seeds.”
I thought to myself, of course he did, and you, of course, listened to him. Clearing my annoyance, I said, “I thought you were worried about people finding out about the pregnancy?”
“I am a little worried about that, but I can’t let it stop me. God loves me, and I have to hope His people will too.”
“God’s a bit kinder to us than we are to each other.”
“Oh.” Her countenance fell.
Walking over to the couch, I sat down beside her and draped an arm over her shoulders. “Listen. I love you, but I’m not going to be able to protect you against what people will say or how they will feel. But I will stand by your side, no matter what.”
“I know.” Her tone dripped with sadness I felt I had put there by my own words.
“But you know what, dear? God is going to work this all out for good. Just watch.”
She nodded. Wiping a few stray tears running down her cheeks, she looked me in the eyes. “You have to be open also, Mom. I heard you crying last night in the kitchen.”
My heart was troubled. I didn’t mean for her to hear me. I thought she had already fallen asleep.
“I’m sorry you heard that. I didn’t mean to worry you.”
Looking me in the eyes, she shook her head. “Don’t ever be sorry for crying, Mom.”
“Okay. I’m going to go get ready for church.” I stood up and headed to my bedroom to get ready for church. Mac’s words railed against my thoughts, pushing me, pulling at me. The tug-of-war inside of me was consuming my thoughts. Halfway through dressing, I stopped and sat on my bed to pray. Praying was like air in my life—a necessity I couldn’t live without.
Chapter 26-Hannah
PASTOR CHARLIE STOOD AT THE pulpit, not merely just the man who had helped me with moving into the guest house on Mac’s ranch, but a man of God who spoke the power of truth into the lives and hearts of his congregation. While he was the same individual who had been out on the ranch helping, he carried himself differently when he was up preaching the Word of God.
Picking up his handkerchief from beside his Bible on the pulpit, he wiped his brow as he paused his words. The heater was busted on the max position in the church that morning, and even though both doors in the sanctuary were wide open, it wasn’t enough to cool the room’s temperature to a suitable level. After wiping the sweat from his forehead, he walked down the steps of the stage. He surveyed all of our faces as we waited for him to continue to speak.
“Joseph’s brothers,” he said, shaking his head. “His brothers did an evil thing. They wanted to hurt him by doing it too.” He paused again, then walked up the steps back to the pulpit and to his open Bible. He leaned over the pages and read aloud. “In Genesis 50:20, it says, ‘You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.’ ”
He peered up from the Bible and grabbed hold of the pulpit on both sides as he raised his voice. “This man, Joseph, is a man of character, a man of depth, and he truly held a Godly perspective. How often do we in our own lives have the mindset that what we are going through is just too hard? How often are we guilty of thinking that our lives aren’t fair?” Raising his eyebrows, he paused. “Listen, I’m preaching to myself this morning probably more than I am preaching to you. I’ve been there! When those stinking thieves kept robbing our lumber from the construction site of our church, I was furious. The other week, when I heard about the school shooting or last month, about the church getting shot up, I was irate! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not here to tell you that this world is wicked. You can see it for yourself. It’s full of evil. But God’s works can and do work all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Joseph has the right mindset here in the Scriptures. He understands, and it’s not because he hasn’t suffered, but it’s because he has suffered that he truly understands and holds this Godly perspective. Our Savior was nailed to a cross. Right? You think they intended it for harm? You bet they did, but God intended it for good. God’s in control when our life seems to be out of control.”
My heart was beating like a drum in my ears. God wasn’t surprised when I learned of Jonathan’s other family. He also wasn’t surprised when I learned of Luke’s similar job that took him out of town. I was beginning to realize that maybe God set this up in this way in order to show me, to grow me.
On the way out of the service, as we headed to the car, Kayla asked, “How was Charlie’s preaching?”
“Good. How was youth group? Did you make some friends?”
She laughed a little. “Mom. We’re not a bunch of little kids who just become friends after two seconds. It went well though.” She smiled. “They were all really nice and I even broke the ice about being pregnant. I wanted it out of the way, and while I was terrified to tell them all . . . they received it well and I didn’t feel judged over it.”
“Wow, I’m impressed you put yourself out there like that. I’m proud you got it out there. Now you don’t have to worry about it.”
She smiled. “Thanks.”
As we left the church parking lot, I thought of the lunch I was about to make for Mac. I pondered the idea of sharing a side of truth along with his sandwich. In my heart, I knew he needed that message I heard just as much as I did. I just wasn’t sure if his heart would be open to it.
Chapter 27-Hannah
MY NERVES FLARED AS I walked down the hallway to Mac’s bedroom with his sandwich on a plate and a message on my heart. He wasn’t easy to talk to, and our last exchange wasn’t exactly heartwarming, but I had been searching for a way to share more of my faith with him and I felt today’s message at church was the open pathway to doing just that.
Setting his plate down on his lap, he peered up at me.
“What’s on your mind, child?”
I backpedaled in my mind about talking to him. “Oh, nothing. Just today’s message. It was really good and
powerful.”
He was curious and asked, “What was it?”
This was it, my ticket to sharing. Though I had thought about the moment over the last couple of days and desired it, I suddenly found myself frozen with inaction. I had envisioned myself pacing around his room and sharing God’s truth and love with him and then him falling to his knees in repentance to God. What actually happened was far different. I was timid. Softly, I said, “God is in control even when everything is a mess in our life.”
“Hmm. And?”
The frost thawed within me and God loosened my lips. I sat down on the end of his bed and turned my body toward him. “Charlie talked about Joseph and how his brothers intended to harm him, but how God worked it for good. I thought a lot about my own life and everything that happened with Jonathan. I was devastated, but God already knew it all along.”
“Yeah, and he didn’t even warn you.” He sarcastically laughed. “Sounds like a great God.”
Shaking my head, I could see the brokenness of Mac’s heart in the moment. “Mac, it’s horrible what happened to Rita. I could never imagine how it’d feel to lose your best friend to something like cancer. Jonathan and I were a sad situation, but we were never best friends in my mind. I don’t think he ever loved me the way you loved Rita. But listen.” I leaned toward him and rested a hand on the covers. “God brought you in my daughter’s and my life for a reason, and I have to believe that. God is always working, Mac, and I know you know that. You can be hard and resistant to God and act like you don’t care, but you’re looking forward to Heaven with Him. You said it yourself.”
His expression softened. “It just hurts that He didn’t save her. I felt lost after she passed away. He took away my best friend!”
“God didn’t kill your wife, Mac. Yes, He let her come to Him, but you have to know that she was already His to begin with.”
Wiping a tear from his cheek, he let out a sigh. “I know. She was never truly mine to begin with . . .” Swallowing, he looked to the window. “I don’t think God has anything more for me to do.”
“But you’re already doing something.”
He looked over at me, confusion written across his expression.
“You and Kayla. She needs a father figure in her life, and you’re doing it.”
He laughed a little. “I’m barely talking to her, and it’s just a bunch of little nuggets of common sense.”
“Common sense she’s listening to. You know she went to church this morning because of something you said?”
He raised his eyebrows, a slight smile on his lips. “She did?”
“You told her about planting seeds. That was another Biblical reference from you. I can see right through you, Mac. Your boys might not, but I do. You try to put up this front of being hard and mean and angry at God, but you can’t get away from the Truth you know in your heart.”
“I’m glad she went.” His eyes turned to his sandwich and he continued. “Now leave before my food gets cold.”
I smiled, knowing a sandwich was cold to begin with.
“Okay.”
Rising from his bed, I knew I had done the right thing, and I praised God on my way out of Mac’s house that afternoon.
Walking over to the side of the house, I grabbed the hose and headed over to the garden. Though the seeds hadn’t sprouted through the soil yet, I knew there was growth going on beneath the surface. Walking along each row, I watered, knowing my efforts would pay off in the weeks and months to come.
Chapter 28-Luke
AT ABOUT FOUR O’CLOCK THAT Sunday afternoon, I called Hannah. Though I had seen her all day on Saturday, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. My leftovers from last night became my lunch, but there was a crucial missing ingredient—her. Remembering she had mentioned an internet issue with their computer, I finally made the call.
“Hey.” She had a way of saying even the simplest word with a delightful tone of voice.
“Hey, it’s me, Luke.”
“I know who it is.” She laughed. “What’s up?”
“I just remembered you mentioning something with the internet last night, and we didn’t really set up a time for me to fix it.”
“How about now?”
I smiled. She wanted to see me just as much as I wanted to see her. “Okay, I can do now.”
“I’ll make you dinner, as a token of my appreciation.”
“Mmm. My dad tells me you’re a pretty good cook. What’s for dinner?”
“Shrimp jambalaya. It’s an old family recipe.”
“Mmm . . . spicy?”
“Yes.”
“Sounds great. I’ll head out now.”
Hanging up with Hannah, I hurried out the door and to the ranch. On the way out to the ranch, I started to envision a future where she and I were officially dating. But doubts swarmed my mind. I hadn’t yet told her about Pamela or that I can’t have children. These things were important, I knew that, but I didn’t think they really needed to be brought out into the open quite yet. We were still getting to know each other.
I called Victor on my car speaker system while I drove.
“Pamela.”
“Don’t like that name.”
“No. Do I tell Hannah about her?”
“Of course you tell her, but you wait until the third date. That way, she has a chance to like you before she finds out about the wicked witch of the past.”
“Hiding it doesn’t sit well with me though.”
“That’s because you’re a nice guy, but what do they say about those nice guys? They finish last. Dead last. Keep your mouth buttoned.”
“Remind me again—why do I take so much advice from you?”
“Because I was right about Pamela and you didn’t heed my words.”
“Ouch. That was rhetorical.”
“Sorry, brother. Hey. I’m at a baseball game though. I have to let you go.”
“All right. Take it easy.”
Hanging up with him, I shut the radio off and prayed for guidance. “God, help me. You steer this car called my life and show me the path You want to go down. Show me Your way. Enable me to walk by sight and to speak when I should speak and keep quiet when I should keep quiet. You’re the One who leads me. Amen.”
Pulling into the driveway out at the ranch, I came under the shade of the trees hanging over the road and caught sight of Hannah’s daughter sitting by my father on his front porch. It made me glad to see him doing something other than reading westerns or watching re-runs of MASH in his living room. He needed to get outside more and enjoy the country living that was only a few feet from his bed.
Chapter 29-Hannah
SITTING DOWN TO THE TABLE over at Mac’s, we bowed our heads and Luke led us in prayer.
“Bless this food we’re about to partake, Lord. Thank You for providing us not only with this food, but with each other’s company and this time together. Please heal my father’s body and help his wounds on his legs to bind up. We also ask for a special blessing on the preparer of this food. Amen.”
Lifting my spoon, I brought my first bite to my lips and blew on it.
“Wow. This is amazing soup,” Mac said with delight.
Luke turned to his dad. “Wow. I’ve made you food for years without as much as a thank you.”
Mac shrugged, then let out a light laugh. “Maybe it wasn’t ever good. Did you think of that?”
“My mom got this recipe from my grandma Beatrice before she passed away. My dad always loved it.”
“How was church?” I asked, my gaze locked on Luke.
“Good. It was baptism Sunday. Twelve and a half people were baptized.”
“Half?” Mac asked, pausing his spoon at his lips. “How on earth does half a person get baptized?”
We all laughed.
Luke continued. “There was a kid, about five, who was baptized outside the water. They just did it alongside the tub of water.”
“What? Why?” Kayla asked.
“He’s allergi
c to the chlorine that is in the water.”
“So then he’s not saved, right?” Kayla asked.
“Dear,” I said, reaching over and touching her hand, “It’s not the water that saves you. You were saved before you entered the water.”
“Your mother is right,” Luke added. “The water is symbolizing the redemptive work and transformation that already happened. It’s an outward declaration. A symbol.”
“Oh, I see.”
Mac joined in. “Some religions out there think the water is what saves you, but it’s not the water. It’s the blood of Jesus that saves us.”
My heart warmed at the words of these two men sitting at the dinner table. Jonathan would never speak of God. Sure, we went to church, but that was about it when it came to Jonathan’s relationship with God. I guess that made it easier for him to carry on with his other family, keeping God in a nice little box on Sunday morning.
“Matt believes there are multiple ways to get to heaven. He thinks it’s not fair that God would only make one way.”
Mac shook his head. “Your boyfriend is an idiot. We shouldn’t be upset there is only one way and question it. Instead, we ought to be happy there is a way!”
“Dad.” Luke appeared displeased with his slight against Matt.
“No, it’s fine,” Kayla interjected. “I agree. He’s an idiot.” Bringing a bite of jambalaya to her lips, she said under her breath, “A lot, lately.”
I don’t think Mac or Luke caught her comment, but I did. It made me wonder what was going on, and I planned to ask her about it later.
After dinner and clean up, Luke and I went for a walk while Kayla stayed with Mac on the porch.
As we walked along the white fence that separated the yard from the fields, I turned to Luke and said, “Mac’s really softening up.”
He laughed. “Sure, if calling Matt an idiot just highlights his sweetness.”
Stopping, I grabbed Luke’s hand, stopping him.
He turned to me.
“Your dad is just real.” My eyes turned to the porch where Mac and Kayla were sitting. “Kayla’s a teenager. She dealt with a lot of fake people in high school back in Flagstaff. She’d come home crying because of this girl saying something behind her back or that girl doing some outrageous thing. Even her dad lied to her and was fake most her life. Mac’s just real and straight with her. I think that’s refreshing to her.”