Entangled

by Annie Brewer

  “Have you ever gone to therapy?” I ask, curiously.

  “Actually, yes. I went for a year. I digressed after making some progress. But I think I’m too damaged. There’s just a lot of shame and guilt I carry with me and I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it.” I want to ask what happened. Obviously there is something far more than just his parents’ drama. But I don’t push.

  “Andi says I should go too. I don’t know. I am just not too keen on the idea.” I rock back and forth, noticing the space between us has lessened. He’s so close now. I scratch my nose to keep myself thinking about anything but the proximity and the curve of his lip.

  “Maddy, what happened to your parents?” Please change the subject.

  I pick at my skin on my fingernail. I need a manicure, I realize. Then I sigh and look up at him. “I told you already, my mom was in a car accident and my dad sort of shut himself off. It’s like he forgot he had a daughter who was suffering along with him. Andi’s family let me spend most nights with them. Our parents knew each other and they said my dad would come around, that he needed time to grieve.” I let out a sarcastic laugh to keep the pain from showing. “If he would have just talked to me, I wouldn’t have spent so much time feeling abandoned or unloved. I lost my mother the same night he lost his wife. I get it; he lost the love of his life. He knew her longer than he knew me. But loss is loss, it hurts all the same. So basically I lost both of my parents that night.” I realize in that moment if the Harper family hadn’t been there to take me in, I would’ve been an orphan, so to speak. I laugh. Noah doesn’t.

  “Have you talked to your dad lately?”

  “Nah, not really. The last time I tried, he was too busy. I gave up trying.” Noah places his arm on the back of the swing. I study the lines of his hand.

  “I probably remind him too much of my mother and it hurts to look at me.” He nods in understanding. Maybe he does understand. I wish I had the guts to ask him his full story.

  We continue swinging in comfortable silence. I push my hair out of my face as I get smacked from the wind.

  “Maddy…” He starts. I look up at him, waiting. His eyes concentrated and intense are a deep green, a green any guy would envy. Hell I envy those eyes. I lean back and relax but keep eye contact, my pulse racing. “I was going to say that if you ever want to talk…to me, I’ll try my best to listen and give you advice. I’m not good at that, but I’ll try my darndest. I just think we could really use a friend, someone that may understand us. Or maybe that’s just me.” A smile on my lip forces his eyes to shift down to my mouth.

  “You know, the same goes for you. If there’s something you need to get off your chest or you just want to hear yourself talk for the hell of it, I’m here.” He laughs, stretching his legs out in front of him. I like the sound and I hope to hear it more often.

  I look at the house wondering what they’re doing in there. I’m sure by now Andi suspects that I’ve been out here making out with Noah. I want to tell him about Andi’s dad. I want to confide in him things I can’t tell her. She’s my best friend but sometimes it’s hard to tell her everything, especially when it involves her. I don’t have anyone else to really talk to. Derrick and Landon both know me pretty well and all the shit I’ve been through. I’ve left the rest of our friends behind after high school. I know I can talk to Amanda; she’s always good at listening and dishing out advice. It’s just better to not mix work and personal life. Maybe it’s really that Noah opened that door and I walked through it.

  “What are you thinking about? You’re awfully quiet.” I turn to glance at Noah, who’s leaning his head back with his hands behind his neck, eyes closed. I take too long to answer as one of his eyes pry open and his lip lifts at the one corner.

  I shrug. “Does one always have to be thinking about something just because they’re quiet? I mean, can’t they just be quiet because they want to be?” I ask.

  He quirks his brow and crosses his arms over his chest. “You aren’t the quiet type.”

  “You don’t know me, how do you know what “type” I am?” I quip.

  “Okay, you’re right. I don’t know you, that well. But from what I’ve seen, you’re not the quiet type.” Now I quirk my brow at him but say nothing. I am kind of quiet around him. I’m also shy and nervous around him. Ugh. I need to loosen up and show him he doesn’t intimidate me.

  “Well, anyway if you must know, I was just thinking that Andi must be wondering what I’m still doing out here. She’s probably waiting for me to come back in and give her some juicy gossip about a possible make-out session.” He laughs and purses his lips together, in contemplation. I feel my cheeks redden at the thought of kissing him.

  All of sudden Noah lets out a loud cackle and I give him a cocky grin before joining him in hysterics. “I’m sorry you have to disappoint her. Such a shame, actually.” He shakes his head, still laughing a little. He really has a lovely smile, showing his nice teeth.

  “Whatever, I’m totally going to make something up just to see her reaction.”

  “You mean you’re gonna make up a juicy story of our make-out session?” I nod, looking at the window. “That’s cruel, but funny as hell. Let me know how that works out for you.” I swing my legs back and forth, feeling nervous. My hands are on both sides of my thighs, really close to his left hand. I could move my hand over to my right once and it would touch his. But then he rests them in his lap again. A feeling of disappointment and relief simultaneously slam into me.

  Noah looks down at his watch and stands up. I’m not ready to go back inside yet but I don’t want to stay out here by myself either. “Hey, I better get going.” I stand up, popping my back from the left to the right, feeling the kinks sorted out.

  “Okay, have a great night.” I slowly walk away but Noah grabs my arm, stopping me. I try to ignore the tingles on my skin from the contact. But then he leans in close and I freeze; eyes wide. He kisses my left cheek lightly, sending shivers up my spine.

  “It’s not a juicy make-out kiss, but you can expand on it.” I swallow. “You know, when you tell Andi and all.” He smiles shyly. I’m too stunned to move my feet. My eyes follow him to his car. Before he gets in, he calls to me, “Hey, thanks for the company. It was nice.” I nod in agreement, unable to speak. I’ve been struck stupid. Get it together Maddy. It was one tiny kiss. I finally snap out of my daze and stand beside his jeep.

  “Thanks Noah. It was nice talking to you.”

  “Well, we should do it again sometime. I’d like to hang out with you and get to know you better. If you want.” Inside I’m screaming like a fangirl at a Bon Jovi concert but I just smile. “I’d like that.” I remember painting his living room with him and how natural it felt to be around him. He’s heard me sing too and seen me cry. The more time I spend with him, the more my mind is cluttered.

  “See ya later.” I wave, turn and walk up the porch steps, away from him. I don’t look back but I can feel his eyes watching.

  I walk into the abandoned kitchen. I grab a mug from the counter and pour myself some coffee. I sit at the table, replaying the kiss. It wasn’t a kiss, just a peck. But I still felt it. I reach up and trace my cheek where his lips touched. My mouth curves into a smile. It was sweet. What is it about him that has me acting like a teenager? Maybe it’s just new and all these feelings have me confused.

  “So?” I look up and see Andi standing next to the table, hands on hips, waiting. I didn’t even hear her walk in here, I’m so consumed by my mixed up emotions. I bite my lower lip, deciding whether to tell her some made up story or keep this not really a kiss, kiss to myself. She grabs a soda from the fridge and plops down in the chair across from me. I take a sip of my coffee. Her expression is amused.

  “So what?” I play dumb.

  “Oh come on, don’t leave me hanging. You were out there a long time. I figured if he left, you would have come right back in. So I’m guessing he didn’t and you talked or something.” Why can’t I keep things to myself?
What happened to privacy?

  Her impatience and need for gossip makes me laugh. I guess I can give her something to satisfy her. I push my coffee away and lean back in my chair. I hide a smile and put on my best poker face. “He kissed me.” Which is true. Her eyes widen and her mouth hangs open. “We had a little fight, I told him off because he was being an ass the other night at the bar.” That is also true, except, I was the ass. “So he told me I was being unreasonable and I told him off, walking away and he grabbed me and kissed me.” As I’m telling her this story I realize how badly I actually wanted him to really kiss me. You see in the movies where the guy and girl have a stupid fight and hate each other or act like they’re not attracted to each other and then the guy grabs the girl and kisses her senseless to prove to her that they are indeed hot for each other. It’s hot and every girl’s dream to be kissed with so much passion.

  “What did you have a fight about?” No comment about the kiss? Wow, I’m shocked.

  “He tried to play my protector against this guy Trey that I’d met and I was not in the mood to be his Damsel.”

  “Isn’t he the guy that took you home that night?” I nodded. “Hmm, and you didn’t kiss this Trey guy, right?” I shake my head. I start to wonder if he thinks I’ll call him. I hope I don’t run into him again. She leans in closer and asks, “So what was the kiss like? Did you use tongue? Did he wrap his arms around you in an embrace?” Here we go. Boy, next she’ll be asking when I’m sleeping with him.

  “Yeah, he did. And it wasn’t that long but it was really intense. No tongue, though. I couldn’t feel my feet; I was so shell-shocked and nervous. And his hands on me sent currents throughout my body.”

  “Wow. See, we should have gotten some condoms the other day. Oh my God, this is awesome. I bet he’s good in bed.” Ugh, I knew it.

  I sigh, letting out a harsh breath. “It didn’t happen.”

  “What?”

  “It didn’t happen, not really. I made that up. I knew you would have a mind-set of him and me making out because that’s what you do, so I told him I was going to make up a hot make-out story. Although, before he left, he did give me a kiss on the cheek. But that’s it.” I bring my cup back to my lips and take a drink. She’s giving me a look of disbelief. I feel bad for lying to her but she jumps to conclusions too much. She was asking for it. “Don’t look at me like that.”

  “Like what?” She sneers.

  “Like I’m a jerk. You had it coming. Stop assuming shit. What happens when you assume?”

  “Oh Jesus, that stupid phrase is so old Maddy. Look I wasn’t trying to be a pest. But clearly, you have the hots for him.” I roll my eyes but don’t deny it, because she is right. I can’t let her know that though. Just because I might like him doesn’t mean he sees me that way. He said he wants to be my friend and I’ll accept that.

  “We talked, and swung for a while. It was nice, his company was..nice. He seems to understand me more than most.” And maybe I understand him too. I am surrounded by wonderful people and I love them dearly. But there are times I still feel so alone. When I look up, she’s staring at me. “What?”

  “Nothing, it’s just I haven’t seen you like this in a while. Hell, I don’t even know if you’ve ever been this dopey over Landon.” I must look like an idiot. I finish my coffee, ignoring her piercing gaze that could probably shatter glass. “Well, anyway, I think it’s cool. You need another friend you can turn to. I know I won’t be much comfort if my dad were to die.” She says it so casually and I wince at the word “die”.

  “What are the guys doing?” I change the subject.

  “I don’t know. We should have a barbeque or go out to eat or something.” Andi likes to eat out more than she should. I’m the one that likes cooking. If she had her way, she’d be eating out every night. “You can invite Noah.” I glare at her but she ignores me. I stand up and rinse my cup, setting it in the dishwasher. “What?”

  “You’re being pushy, Andi. Please. I like him but right now, I think it’s best that we’re just friends.” Andi puts her arm around my shoulder and squeezes.

  “Sorry. You’re right, I’ll back off. I just want you to be happy.” I lie my head on her shoulder and smile. “I don’t know Noah that well, or at all. But he seems nice and he’s gorgeous. God, his green eyes are so sexy, he can give Ian Somerhalder a run for his money. And that body-“

  “ANDI!!” I yell.

  “Okay, okay. Sorry. Let’s go see what the guys want to do.”

  Chapter 30

  Noah

  It sucks being alone, having no friends. Back home I didn’t have this problem. I was surrounded by people constantly. I had a big group of friends; of course some of them were a bad influence. But it made me feel like I was popular and it felt good. And then, after that night, I shut myself off from everyone. I didn’t want to hang out with anyone. I basically fell into a deep hole and wanted to stay there. I wanted to die. I hated life. I hated my parents for not caring. I hated myself for my carelessness and stupidity. Hate was all I saw, was all I was.

  But Spencer, he saw it all. He saw everything. I think I scared the shit out of him. He was helpless and fearful for me. Looking back now, I hate myself for putting him through that. He was the one to pull me out of my fucked up stupor. And yet, he didn’t push me to talk about my feelings. I went to therapy once I got cleaned from the drugs and alcohol. I hated talking to my therapist about my feelings. He was an ass, maybe he had a right to be. But still, I hated it. I felt that if anyone should be in therapy, it should be my mother. I know that sounds stupid because in reality, I’m no better than she. I really hope she’s getting help. She needs it.

  I sit here, bored as hell, wondering what to do with myself. I think about the kitchen table that needs to be done, but I’m not at my Aunt’s house. I’d rather work on it in her shed. Instead, I get up and change my clothes in work out shorts, a wife-beater and my Adidas shoes. Grab my keys, MP3 player and set out for the walking trail that circles the complex.

  It’s a chilly night but I don’t bother with a jacket since I’ll be sweating when I’m finished anyway. I start at a slow pace along the track, as I stick the ear buds in my ears and find a song that will motivate me. It’s quiet but peaceful. I guess there were nights like this in New York but it just feels different. It’s still hard to believe I’m out here, away from my parents. Out of my parents’ control, well my father’s control. So many times I’ve wanted to call my mother to see how she’s doing. To hear her voice and hear her say I love you. I may call her during the holidays before we come to visit. Spencer’s told me Kasey still asks if I’m ever coming back. She has a one track mind. I wish she’d move on and forget about me. She doesn’t like me the way she thinks and if she does, she shouldn’t. I’m no good.

  I break out in a sprint, forcing my legs to keep going. It’s been a while since I ran. I used to run in high school, a lot. I was a good runner. But I feel like I’ve never ran a day in my life. I can almost hear my heart pounding in my chest. My legs continue to carry me as a blast of cold air fills my lungs. I welcome the blaring of the music in my ears. It keeps me from thinking about shit. Shit I shouldn’t be thinking about. Of course it doesn’t last long as thoughts of Maddy creep into my mind. I smile, but then shake my head. She’s got a hold on me and it’s scaring the shit out of me.

  How did I lose control? Why is she so different? It’s so damn frustrating. Sitting on that swing with her today felt really nice. When I’m around her I’m not annoyed or thinking with my dick like I did with the rest of the girls. I just want to be around her, hear her voice, her laugh, and know her inside and out. But I hear my Aunt’s words, warning me that she’s had a rough life and I should be careful with her, as if she’s some fragile doll that could break easily. She seems strong to me. Maybe on the outside she appears strong but on the inside, she’s as broken as I am. I still find it strange that my Aunt would consider us a good match. Are two broken souls really right for each other?<
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  I run through the wooded area, realizing my MP3 player is not working. I must have shut it off on accident. No wonder I can hear my feet loud against the pavement. I slow my pace and turn on my player. I smile when a Daughtry song fills my ears. I take off. I don’t think, I just run. I tune everything out around me, people, cars, nothing matters right now. I run so hard, I feel a sting in my legs and sweat beads my forehead. I’m chafed between my legs and my hair clings to my neck, sticky. But it feels good, so good. My heart pounds through my shirt. I don’t know how long I’ve been running but I finally slow down to a walk, trying to catch my breath.

  Shit! I forgot my water bottle. My breaths come out in a wheeze. I stop and bend forward; I rest my hands on my knees for a minute. Maybe I should start out slow instead of almost passing out. Slowly my body straightens. I must have run a mile. I walk home and strip off my sweaty clothes.

  My phone dings; I pick it up off the counter and see the caller. Kasey. Are you shitting me? She can wait. Time for a shower.

  The water is loud and hot, it burns so good. I can see the water beating my skin red. I like the scalding hot showers, not the wussy warm temperature. After a few of them, your body becomes numb to the pain and that’s been my goal. The pain my body felt from those showers was nothing compared to the pain my soul felt. I wanted to feel nothing and I felt nothing. I thoroughly massage my scalp with my shampoo, lathering it until it drips down my neck. The scent fills my nostrils. I rinse my hair. And then apply body wash to my loofa, scrubbing my skin clean. I step out, dry and dress myself in jeans and a blue polo shirt. Once I fix my hair with gel, I snatch my phone off the counter where I left it and check my messages. Taking a deep breath, I call Kasey back even though I don’t want to talk to her.

  I almost hang up on the third ring when I hear, “Noah?” I cringe at her annoying shrill.