Entangled

by Annie Brewer

  “Thanks.” Noah hands the cab driver a tip before we get out. It’s in the 40’s, but still no snow, which I’ve come to realize that I can’t predict snow anywhere you go, since it varies so much. But I’m happy it’s cold. Before we go in, Noah turns my body to face him; he grips my face tilting my head, gazing into my eyes. “You’re amazing, Maddy. I couldn’t have made this trip and kept somewhat of my sanity without you here.” His thumb caresses my cheek. I smile and lean into his hold. “Thank you, for sticking up to my father.”

  “You can’t expect me to sit back and let him talk to you like that. Someone needed to tell him off.” I get a small laugh from him and wrap my arms around his waist.

  “I’ll be happy to go back home with you.” He kisses my forehead before we enter the house. “Do you want to go into the bed room and finish what we started on the subway?” He whispers in my ear, and I try to ignore the excitement coursing through my body, his deep, low voice always turns me on.

  “Not now, it’s our last night with Spencer. Let’s make the best of it. We should play some games or something.”

  “Hey, I’m down for that. What do you suggest?” Spencer greets us at the door. We enter the living room.

  “Whatever it is, it can’t involve drinking, we have to catch a flight home in the am.” I can tell Noah is ready.

  “Do you guys really have to leave?” Spencer frowns.

  “It’s back to work and reality, unfortunately.” I start, “for me anyway.” Noah grips my hips from behind and I lean back against him.

  “Okay, I have Skipbo…”

  “Oh I love that game.” I say, turning to look at Noah, “and you have to play too this time.” He nods, kissing my shoulder. We clear the table, make a tray of food and drinks and play games for a couple of hours. We also play Monopoly for the fun of it, Parcheesi, Gestures, and Trivial Pursuit. It lasts us until two in the morning.

  Noah excuses himself, while Spencer refills our drinks and I help put the games away. “Maddy, I need to talk to you.”

  “What’s on the brain?” I thank him when he hands me my drink and he sits back down.

  “I’m just worried about Noah. I know he’s dealing with a lot of shit right now. Please watch out for him. Make sure he’s okay.”

  I lay my hand over his and look at him seriously, “You know I will. I’m worried about him too. I met his father and I realize what an asshole he’s had to live with for so long. Believe me; I intend to take care of him. I think when we get home, he’ll be okay. I love him.”

  “Thanks, I know you’ll take care of him. Ugh, I hate his father, he’s such a dickhead. It must have been scary for you.”

  “No, it wasn’t. I told him what a monster he is and how Noah’s nothing like him.” We talk for another thirty minutes before I retire for the night. I hug him and thank him for a great weekend and letting us stay here.

  I glance at the bed room door and stand up. “I need to go to bed now, see you in a few hours.” When I give Spencer another hug, sadness washes over me, not knowing when I’d see him again. Noah’s lucky to have him in his life and I wish he lived closer to us.

  I leave the room, entering the bed room to find Noah asleep. Part of me wants to wake him up but instead, I quietly retreat to the bathroom to change clothes and brush my teeth before slipping into bed. I lie in the dark, on my side and listen for his steady breathing before finally drifting off.

  Spencer helps us bring our bags to check them out while we get our tickets. We wait in line. This time around, I feel more at ease about flying and not so tensed up. We chat and the guys talk about our next adventure we hope to have. I take pictures of us together and of Spencer and Noah together. It’s a sad, yet a hopeful day.

  “Well, it’s time to go.” Noah hugs Spencer in that manly way and I tear up a little.

  “You guys take care. I had a blast.”

  “Us too, you should come visit us soon. You’re welcomed to both of our apartments any time.” I tell him.

  We part, and Noah and I walk through security and get frisked. It’s about 45 minutes until our flight takes off. Both of us are quiet, in our own worlds. This’ll be a long plane ride.

  “Wow, sounds like you guys had fun. I’m so jealous.” Andi says, looking at the pictures.

  “Yeah, it was amazing. I mean, there were some tense moments and whatnot, but it just made for a better visit. Well, I could’ve done without the whole running into his father thing. But the rest was awesome.”

  Andi appears tired; I can see the bags under her eyes. I lay my head on her shoulder while we watch Vampire Diaries together with a bowl of popcorn. It’s been three days since I saw or heard from Noah. I was giving him space, but now it’s getting worrisome. “Maddy, you should go visit him. Maybe he’s just been busy or is waiting for you to pay him a visit.”

  “I don’t know. I wanted to give him some time to sort his head out but now, it’s just starting to worry me. I don’t wanna be the clingy girlfriend. What if he changes his mind about us, Andi? I won’t be able to handle it very well.”

  “Stop being crazy. He’ll come back; he’ll contact you in no time.” I only hope and pray she’s right. Too much shit has happened in my life, I couldn’t handle not having Noah as my comfort, my rock. I love him too much to lose him.

  Chapter 58

  Noah

  Ever since we got back from New York, my relationship with Maddy has been strained. I know it’s my fault. I take full responsibility for it. But my head is so screwed up right now after being back home and seeing my mother and running into my father, oh yeah and seeing Kasey again…with Maddy, which wasn’t a pleasant reunion. I just feel like I need time to readjust. I thought for sure some time would help and I would see clearer, and forget everything and things could go back to how they were.

  But it hasn’t.

  I know it’s my fault and I don’t know how to fix it. Maddy is constantly calling or texting me and I’m constantly avoiding her. I’m not sure why but I just need time to myself, to reflect on shit. Being in New York again brought so much heartache. I almost went to the cemetery, twice. But I couldn’t do it. I’m such a pussy, I know. Lex isn’t even there anymore but I still couldn’t go. I knew I would feel like this, I knew my heart would be in conflict when I started this thing with Maddy, but I didn’t listen to it, for once. I love her in the world’s worst way but I’m starting to feel like she’d be better off without me.

  As I lie awake, in bed, I glance at the clock that reads, 9:00 pm, it’s Saturday. I don’t want to go to sleep, yet I’m undecided if I want to do anything at all. I miss her. I wish I could explain how I’m feeling, it’s so frustrating. Relationship is a two-way street of honesty, and I know I’m not being completely honest with her. I’m just feeling a little out of sorts. But the truth is, I don’t know what to do. I finished the table for my aunt. I plan on giving it to her tomorrow for an early Christmas present, which is a week away.

  My phone next to me beeps and I know who it is before I even look at it. She’s been texting me, asking me to do things with her and I feel like an ass for not responding or giving excuses why I can’t do anything, even though there’s nothing more that I want. I roll over and read the text:

  Maddy: Hey, do you wanna go see a movie tonight? There’s one I’ve been wanting to see. I miss you.

  I miss you too, I want to say. But I don’t. I lay there, as I can see her contorted expression and it brings me anger. Right now, I just can’t face her; I pick up my phone and dial Derrick, asking him to go have a drink with me. I get dressed, and grab my keys, suddenly in the mood for some beer, pool, and guy time.

  When I get there, I find an open pool table, and give the bar my card so I can get the balls. I begin racking the balls, gazing around me at the half-empty bar. Part of me fears Maddy will show up for karaoke and I’ll have to face her anyway.

  “Hey, I got us some beer.” I look up as Derrick sets a pitcher with two glasses on the table. I nod to
him and then break, sinking in a few balls. “Thanks.” I say. I hit more balls in, wondering if I’m playing myself or if it’s just a game with myself.

  “So, you look like you could use a hug.” He jokes.

  “I’m thinking of leaving.” I shoot in two solids, and feel my face get hot. I didn’t expect that to fly out of my mouth, but now that it’s out…it sounds true.

  “Holy shit. Really? Forever?”

  “I don’t know yet. I just need to get away, for a while. I’m so confused and conflicted and I don’t know what to do.” I grip the pool table to keep myself from going hysterical. Derrick stands beside me, his face is torn and I feel like shit for losing my cool in front of him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to act out like this. I’m just…I just, I don’t know.” I stand up and walk to the table and pour a glass of beer and chug it down.

  “Dude, what happened in New York? You seemed happy…and then, you come back and you’re a totally different person.”

  “My past is what happened. I have too much baggage that won’t stop following me everywhere I go. I’m a complete fuck up and Maddy deserves better. I thought I could outrun my problems.”

  “Even I know you can’t outrun your problems, Noah. But it doesn’t mean you should run away.”

  “It’s what I do, what I’ve always done. I’m better off alone.” I finish off my beer and pour another.

  “No one is better off alone.”

  “Are you going to play some pool?” He gets off the chair and searches for a pool stick. We play each other a few games. Normally I’m competitive and cocky when it comes to shooting pool, but tonight, it’s more of a distraction.

  On the way home, Spencer calls me. Maybe he has advice for me.

  “Okay, so I saw this hot couple that was all hands-on, on the subway and I thought of you and Maddy. Just thought I’d check in with my favorite people.”

  “Thanks Spence, what are you doing taking the subway?”

  He laughs, “Hey, I like to take the subway, once in a while.”

  “Well, I’m glad we were on your mind.” It feels good hearing his voice, it always makes me feel better after having negative thoughts.

  “So, how are you two lovebirds doing?”

  I pull up to the complex, and sit, not wanting to be alone. “Well, we’re…I don’t know what we are at this point. I mean, we’re good but not.”

  “What happened? I know you guys like to fight a lot, but you always make up.” I groan, wishing it were so simple. We did fight in New York more than we did here, at least before our trip. I guess you can’t fight if you don’t talk and I hope it doesn’t come to that.

  “I’m coming home sometime next month for a while. I don’t know how long.”

  “Woah, what happened? Are you moving back here? Did you break up with her? Are you cheating on her? Noah, what the fuck?”

  “God, no I’m not cheating on her. I haven’t broken up with her…yet. I just need some time alone, away from here. Being back home really brought so much shit and I brought it here and now I’m bitter and avoiding her because I know I won’t be good company.” My phone beeps and I take it away from my ear to see another text. I bang my head against the headrest a couple of times, soon realizing Spencer’s talking. “Sorry, man I gotta go.”

  “Noah, please don’t do anything stupid. Don’t deny your love for her. The past is the past, and yeah, I can only imagine how hard it was for you to be here again and having to face your sperm donor, but don’t let it fuck up the best thing you got going in your life. If you need to come here to get your head out of your ass for a while, fine, you can stay with me and I’ll get you fucked up and we’ll party hard and you’ll have a great time and then you’ll forget about all your problems and go back home to her and all will be great with the world again. But don’t do anything rash yet. Just take time…let me know what you decide.” I laugh to myself at his advice but find it helpful.

  “Jesus dude, did you even take a breath in between all those sentences?” He laughs, “I’m a pro, what can I say? Keep in touch.”

  “I will, thanks Spence.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I get out of the jeep and go inside. I walk straight to my room, turn my phone off and go to sleep in my clothes, hoping for a better day tomorrow. Maybe my aunt will have advice for me.

  “Oh, Noah I just love this table.” Aunt Linda beams as I show her the final product. I painted the table a dark wood color. It’s nice and thankfully, not too big to fit in the spot in the kitchen. Derrick and I take the old rusty table and set it on the side of the house. “I’ll have to get it to the dumpster.”

  “I’ll take it to the dumpster over the week.” I tell her. She hugs me.

  “Thank you. It’s beautiful.”

  “I wanted to paint it burgundy but I think the brown goes with the brown cabinets pretty well.” Derrick sits down on the old table, I lean against the side of the house.

  “It’s perfect the way it is.” We all go inside and sit around the new table. Aunt Linda makes a pot of coffee but I fix myself a glass of ice water instead. “So, how are you Noah?” I glance at Derrick, he looks away with a pained expression and I wonder if he’s told her anything yet. But then, why would she ask me if she already knew?

  “Honestly? Not good.” She tilts her head, confused and before she can ask questions, the door bursts open, followed by Andi and Maddy. My heart sinks to the floor at the sight of her, she looks ghastly. Has she slept much?

  “Oh hey, this is a nice table. Good job Noah.” Andi smiles, oblivious to the thick tension in the air. I just smile, unable to speak, with Maddy glaring at me.

  She walks over to me and quietly says, “Can we talk?” I’m left with no choice but to oblige, feeling uncomfortable with everyone staring at me.

  “Let’s go outside.” I suggest. She follows me to the swing and we sit. “So, you haven’t answered my texts lately or my phone calls. I’d begun to think you fell off the face of the earth. What’s going on?”

  “I’m still here.” I look up at the sky, it’s getting dark and it’s chilly. There’s been snow off and on.

  “Can you answer me why I feel like we’re drifting? I miss you; I want to spend time with you. But you seem to be on another planet, since we came back from our trip. I don’t feel like I know you anymore.” The swing slowly rocks back and forth. I stare at her shaking hands in her lap. I take them and kiss them, feeling irritation surface, with myself. “I’m sorry, just give me time. I’ll be myself again. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

  “Does this have to do with New York? With your father and what he said? Is it me?” Yes, and not just him but with the fact that this girl is so strong and incredible but needs to be put first and I can’t do that, right now.

  I lie instead and say, “It’s many different things and I feel like I need time to sort through my feelings. I’ll be okay. I’m sorry for making you feel like we’re estranged. I’ll make it up to you, somehow. I just need space.”

  “I don’t get it-“

  “You don’t have to. Just give me space and this will be forgotten. We’ll be the happy couple we were before.” What a fucking lie and an asshole I am. I stand up and start to walk away but then stop and turn to face her. “Come here.” She hesitates, but then she walks into my embrace and I wrap my arms around her. This feels like it could be goodbye, so final, so damn hard to bear. I grip her waist tightly, not wanting to let her go. I inhale the scent of her shampoo, kiss her neck and abruptly let go, taking a step back. I want to tell her about me leaving; I want to tell her it will be okay, and that I’ll come back to her. But what if it’s a lie? God damn, this is hard as fuck. I run back into the house before she can see the tears that will tell her that things are not okay. If I gave her a sense of hope for all to be okay, maybe she’ll be able to sleep. I’m a mess. I rush to the bathroom and wash my face. I look at my reflection in the mirror and glare, the person staring back at me is a pussy and needs to be beaten
. I guess my father was right, I’m just like him.

  “Noah?” I hear my aunt call from outside the door. I wipe the water off my face with a towel and leave the bathroom. “They’re gone.” Hearing those words feels like a punch to the gut. “Let’s go to the kitchen, so we can talk.”

  We sit and stare at each other, neither of us talking. What can I say that will make this better? The air is thick and it’s stifles me, I have to say something. “I’m going back to New York.” I blurt out; looking at the table, but my focus is blurred.

  “What? Why?” I detect panic or surprise in her voice. I hate to leave her. She’s been one of the best influences in my life, and I feel angry for taking off like that.

  “I don’t know for how long, but I do know that I need it. Right now I just need to sort through some stuff.”

  She glances around, uncertain how to respond. She sips on her coffee in silence, mulling over my plan. “I’m sorry Aunt Linda. I’m just so messed up right now. I need to be away from here-“

  “From Maddy, right?”

  I look up and see understanding in her expression. She does get me, and she’s sadder but at least, she understands. I nod, reluctant to admit it’s the truth. “I just think it’s better this way. She deserves someone who’s not messed up. I mean, I come back from our trip, screwed up.”

  “You’re still dealing with emotional issues you’ve had all your life, it doesn’t go away, Noah. You may try to run away from it, but it always catches up.”

  “I just wanna be normal and happy. Seeing my father again made me realize I might never be, I might never have that luxury of being in love and happy. I’m no better than him.”

  “That is bull shit, Noah.” I flinch at her tone, and the fact that she hardly ever curses, except when talking about him. He always brings the claws out with this woman. “You are better than him, and once you see it yourself, you’ll feel freer, in control. You have to believe it, you’re a better man than he’ll ever be. I hate him for everything he’s done to you and your mother.” Her face changes from anger to sympathy and compassion. “I know you love Maddy, but sometimes it takes more than love to make a relationship work. You have to put her needs first and right now, you have too many emotional scars to carry along with hers. Maybe some time away from here will give you a better perspective.”