Entangled

by Annie Brewer

  I smile sadly. “Yeah, I just hope I find all the answers I’m going to be looking for.”

  “Your past needs to be dealt with in order to move forward, with anyone. You can’t have a future if you’re still stuck in your past. It’s sad that it has to be this way, but I’ll support you in any decision you make. I’ll make arrangements, and call your mom. She’d love to have you around, maybe you can go to therapy with her a few times. You two need to work out your issues too.” I nod in agreement.

  “I’ll probably stay with Spencer most of the time.”

  “This could be a good thing for you. It could help you heal-“

  “Or it could hurt me.”

  “You won’t know until you face it.” We finish our drinks and I sleep in the spare bedroom. I sit on the bed with my phone in my hand, and after a few minutes of contemplation, I make a phone call.

  “Hey Noah, I was wondering how you were doing.”

  “I’m coming to town in a few weeks or so, alone.”

  “Is everything alright?”

  “Not really, but maybe one day it will be.” I tell my mom about my worries and even though she tells me she is the last person to ask for advice, she listens. It’s all I need, is my mother to listen to me, without the influence of alcohol or men. Just her, my mom. Now I’m not expecting for us to get into a quick routine of and relationship. But it will help for when I’m there, I think. I hope. She tells me of her sessions and her therapist and her future plans of moving to a small apartment in the country outside of the busy New York city.

  When we finally hang up, I fall asleep with a small piece of mind. One day at a time, is all I can take it. I just need to figure out how to tell Maddy.

  Chapter 59

  Maddy

  Since we got back from New York, things between Noah and I have been really strange. It feels like we’re drifting apart and it scares the hell out of me. I don’t know whether to be worried or maybe I’m just paranoid. But every time I ask him to do something with me, he finds an excuse why he can’t. It doesn’t make any sense to me and I wish I knew what was going on, but asking him would mean that I’m concerned about our relationship. We had a great time, for the most part…during the holidays. Our Christmas was very low key this year. And of course he tried to take me out for my birthday but I just wanted to treat it like every other day. I hate that I can’t enjoy my birthday each year, but all it brings is sadness and tears and a lot of painful memories. You’d think by now, it would get easier, but it doesn’t. It hasn’t. I’m 24 now and just feel like I haven’t accomplished enough.

  Actually, I have. I found love and I have a great job and surrounded by great people, and influences. I just wish I knew what was going on with Jim. Well, so far he’s been doing better lately; making progress. But who knows if it will last. He’s had good days and bad days. I just hope the good days last longer now. It’s been snowing here off and on the last couple months. It’s been beautiful. And it was so amazing to see snow in New York as well. The memories of being in the city with Noah makes me smile. Maybe I am being paranoid.

  When I got off work today, I drove to the store for some paint. I wanted to surprise Noah and have a painting party. That’s if I can get him to agree, if he’s not too busy.

  I changed in to old sweat pants and an old white t-shirt and quickly got in my car and sped to his apartment like a bat out of hell. Now, sitting here in my car, I feel confused. I remove the scrunchy from around the gear shift, pull my hair back, replacing the scrunchy in a bun on top of my head. A pain in my stomach of knotted nerves, I take a deep breath and reach in the back seat for the paint. I consider suggesting we order pizza. I haven’t eaten and he may be hungry too. I’ve got the pizza place on speed dial. I reach the door and stop, talking myself out of leaving. I’m gonna do this, and it’s gonna be fun. We need time together, time alone.

  I knock a couple of times, softly at first. I look around to see people milling about the complex. When no one answers, I raise my hand to knock again about the time the door flies open. “Hi.” I say, hesitant. He looks disheveled, interrupted.

  He sees the can of paint I’m holding and says, “What’s that?”

  “Paint. I thought we could have another painting party, possibly order pizza or something. Are you busy?” He holds the door open and I step through, setting the paint can down near the door. “Hi.” I say again, noticing his change in demeanor. He usually has me in his arms by now, kissing me. But right now, he’s distant and I don’t like it.

  “You look sexy.” He observes. But he doesn’t make me feel like I am. He’s a different person and I just feel like shaking him, bringing my Noah back. He stalks off to the bedroom, and I notice the apartment is a mess. When I follow him into his room, I halt. “Are we going somewhere?” He’s packing a big suitcase and his clothes and belongings are thrown all over the place.

  “I can’t paint with you, Maddy. Not today.”

  I sit beside the suitcase on his bed, he doesn’t make eyes contact. Fears surface and I try to swallow the lump in my throat. I lay my hand on top of his but he yanks it out from under. I flinch, hurt at his disposition. What did I do?

  “Noah, what’s going on?” He hears my voice tremble, and when I look at him, I detect conflicting emotions in his face. He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.

  “I’m sorry; I have to leave, for a while.” I stare at him, in shock and horror. My heart races in my chest and I fight the urge to vomit. So this is it, this is what the last weeks, months maybe have been leading up to, his departure. “I was going to tell you-“

  “When? After you’d already made it to New York and you didn’t have to face me and my shock or rage?” He swallows and looks away, ashamed. “Noah, tell me what this is about.” I gaze at the floor, trying to still my bouncing knees. If I wasn’t already sitting down, I’d probably be on the floor.

  “Okay, I wasn’t going to tell you.” I flinch as if he’d slapped me. Maybe if he did, the pain wouldn’t be as bad as the pain I feel now. Why is he leaving me? If he was planning to come back, he’d tell me up front what was going on. This just doesn’t feel right.

  “Noah, why are you leaving? And don’t lie to me, be honest with me.” I get off the bed and stand close to him, wanting to reach out and touch him.

  “I’m going back to New York for a while. I’ve got stuff to take care of and I don’t know how long it’ll take.”

  “Just fucking say you’re leaving and don’t know if you’ll be back. Quit putting hope into the situation. You’re running away is what’s happening. Just say it, you’re a coward.” Tears surface and I blink them back. I trusted him and he lied to me. I gave him every piece of me and he just threw it out the window.

  “Maddy-“ He reaches out this time but I swat his hand away, furious.

  “Don’t.” I warn. “Don’t you fucking touch me.” His face is torn in agony and guilt. Without looking at him, I ask, “Why? Why now?”

  “You deserve better.” I meet his eyes, sick of hearing the same old cliché. “Is that the best you got, Noah?” I throw my hands up and pace the room. “Maddy I can’t be the guy you need me to be. I have so much baggage and issues, this was a trainwreck waiting to happen. I can’t imagine bringing you down.”

  “You’re such an asshole. You know what? I’m glad I got to see you like this now.” I clench my fists, controlling my anger.

  “I’m doing this for you, don’t you get it? I’m leaving to protect you from me.” I reach the door, tears rolling down my cheeks, turn around and say, “You know, Andi was right about you in the beginning. You’re selfish and like every other player out there. Have a great life.” I slam the bedroom door but before I can leave the apartment, he storms out, enraged.

  “God dammit, Maddy I’m sorry. You don’t understand the shit I have to deal with. My struggles, fears and doubts. I’m fucked up. Seeing your best friend die and knowing it’s your fault and couldn’t save her that will fuck up a person
. I didn’t want this,” He gestures between us, “I didn’t want to meet someone or fall in love. I didn’t ask for it. I knew nothing good could come of it. But I did anyway; I fell in love with you. Maddy, I fell hard for you and now, I just want to save you, even if it means I’d be unhappy, because there’s no one else for me. Do you get it? I’m sacrificing my own happiness for yours.”

  “That is the most ridiculous bull shit I’ve ever heard. Do you get that you’re sacrificing both of our happiness? I don’t want anyone else, but apparently, I get no say in the matter. If you really loved me, you’d stay and we’d work this shit out together. But the only thing you’re doing is proving your father right in that he’s in control of your happiness, you’re a coward. Plain and simple.” I’m crying now and I just want to get away from him.

  “I’m sorry.” He whispers. I pull the door open, step outside and slam it shut behind me so hard. When I lean against the door, to keep myself from falling to my knees, all I hear is yelling from inside and him throwing stuff but I just push myself off the door and run home. I can’t drive, there’s no way. So I just run as hard as I can back to my place, my safety zone.

  So now I know what a real broken heart feels like. I always thought it would do me some good to have one, toughen me up. Now I just feel so broken. I really thought what we had was special, a once in a lifetime kind of love.

  Stopping in front of my apartment, I hunch over into the grass and throw up. My eyes sting and my throat is clogged. The door opens, and Andi steps out, panic shows on her face when she sees the state I’m in. “Oh my god, Maddy. What happened to you?” I collapse in her arms and let the tears flow and wrack my body.

  “You were right, about Noah. He’s such an asshole. I’m so stupid for falling for him, so stupid for not listening to you.”

  “Shhh.” She rubs my back, “You’re not stupid. There’s gotta be an explanation, it doesn’t make any sense. What happened?”

  “He’s going back to New York. He’s leaving me.” She pulls back abruptly, her expression changes a couple of times, “He’s leaving?”

  I nod, feeling sick. “I’m so sorry. I…don’t know what to say.”

  “I just want to sleep. I need to be alone.”

  “Go wash your mouth, honey. There’s nothing worse than sleeping with vomit in your mouth.” She cringes but I ignore her. There wasn’t much in my stomach to begin with. Good thing we didn’t have pizza first.

  I numbly walk to my room and close the door. I look around, spotting a framed photo of us on my dresser. My face contorts into anger as I walk over to it, pick it up and throw it down on the ground, watching it shatter into a million pieces, just as my heart did.

  Andi bursts through the door in a panic, “What happened?” She glances at me then at the floor and understanding dawns on her face. “It’s my heart.” I fall to my knees, so confused.

  “Oh Maddy.” As she starts toward me, I put my hand up stopping her, “Don’t. I need to be alone.” She quietly leaves the room, and I climb into bed and cry myself to sleep, hoping not to wake up for a few days.

  Chapter 60

  Noah

  “I fucked up. She’s gonna hate me for a long time.” Not that I could blame her, I hate myself for walking out on her. I am a coward.

  “She might hate you for now, but eventually, she’ll understand.” Derrick tells me. I want to believe him, but the voices in my head keep telling me what a good thing I fucked up, like I always do. He’s taking me to the airport and Spencer will pick me up when I land in New York. I’m leaving my jeep here…for now. Derrick is staying in my apartment for the time being, since my lease wasn’t up yet. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone or if I’ll be back. I hate to think I won’t live here again. I’d grown to like it, maybe even accept it as my home. I’ll probably stay with Spencer part of the time and then with my mom as well. We’re trying to work some shit out. It sucks though because I won’t have a ride, I’ll have to rely on someone, more than likely my best friend, for a ride. I hate that.

  I clench my fists in my lap, rubbing the soreness from when I punched the shit out of the wall after Maddy left. It was a stupid thing to do, luckily I didn’t leave a hole there. “Thanks for the help.” I tell him, wishing we could have had more time to hang out. But I was grateful for the time we did get. It makes me happy to know that she’s in good company and I’ve no doubt he’ll watch out for her.

  “Well, I’m glad I could help. It sucks that you’re leaving but I understand. And soon, Maddy will too.” Images of Maddy’s face fill my mind. I never meant to hurt her. But if I’m being honest with myself, I should’ve seen this coming…and I did, but I refused to believe it. I wanted to believe I deserved happiness, after all the shit that’s gone on in both our lives, we both deserve it. But maybe I was just being naïve. I wanted to believe in my heart I was good enough for her, I wanted to be good enough for her. I’ve never wanted anything more.

  “Do me a favor, Derrick.” He turns his head to look at me, “Watch out for her. I mean, I know you do anyway because she’s your friend, but help her move on and find someone else.”

  “She won’t want anyone else. But I’ll try.”

  “She deserves someone who always keeps their promises, and would never break her heart. And someone who wouldn’t walk away from her no matter what happened.” As each word falls from my lips, it tastes of metallic. I should be that person for her. I guess I was only fooling myself into believing I could change, be a better person.

  He displays a sympathetic sad smile and nods. I clench my fists in my lap until my nails bite into my palms, making me wince from pain. The rest of the drive is silent, and with every mile that separates us, the more my heart is being stretched. But it has to be done, for her sake.

  We pull up to the curb at the terminal and Derrick parks the car, gets out and helps remove my bags. The airport is busy today, but then again when is an airport not busy? There’s always people coming and going. “Thanks.” He sets my suitcase on the curb beside me while I throw the strap from my duffle bag over my shoulder, along with the rest of my stuff. I grab a cart to tote my stuff in.

  The last time I was here, and flying to New York, I was happy with the most amazing woman in the world. Now I just feel empty and the trip isn’t a happy occasion.

  “You got everything?” He asks, breaking my trance. I count the luggage I packed and find everything I need and nod in confirmation. We stand there in awkward silence. “Well, I guess this is it.” He frowns, holding his hand out to me. I push it away and hug-pat him, thanking him for being a good friend.

  “Don’t worry; I’ll take care of her. Just do what you gotta do and come back to us.” I nod, and wheel the cart to the ticket booth to check in.

  “Noah.” I turn around as he’s catching up to me, “I just wanted to say, you’re a good guy. You’ve just had a shitty life, but don’t let it bring you down. Fight like hell for what you want and in the end, even if it doesn’t seem like it now, will worth the bad shit. We’ll wait for you, just come back.” He turns around and leaves. I soak up his words, mentally storing them away for a time I may need to hear them again.

  I want to believe it all, and maybe someday I will, but right now, it’s too soon to believe anything. I allowed myself to believe that Maddy and I were meant for each other, even though I never believed in that shit before. Now look where it’s got me.

  Then I remember a conversation I had with Aunt Linda before I left. She told me that it takes more than just love to make a relationship work, hard work and dedication and patience. I loved Maddy as much as I could love someone. But a person filled with so much grief, self-doubt, regrets and anger, there’s not enough room for love. That’s where I failed her, I put everything above her.

  I check my luggage and keep my duffle bag, with my music. I also brought some paper so I could brainstorm a good letter to write her, explaining why I left. I take my ticket and walk to the security, I wait in line. I don’t w
ant to leave. I want to run to the nearest exit, call for a ride, pick up my jeep and find Maddy, ask her to forgive me and take me back That I’m stupid and scared, but I need her in my life. I want to make more brownies with her and breakfast in bed, paint the whole apartment any color she wants and order a dozen pizzas. I just want to be swept in her amazing irises and never let her go. But none of that matters anymore. I can’t have it. I buried my phone at the bottom of my bag, purposely so I’m not temped to call her.

  “Sir.” I look up and realize it’s my turn to be frisked. I step out of my shoes and place them and my belt, which I almost forgot about, in the bucket. Once I walk through and it doesn’t go off, I get my shoes and slip them back on and get the rest of my belongings. I sit and wait to board the plane. I observe the airport, watching people talk on their phones or interact with others, remembering when we people watched. It feels like a different time, and it was. The terminal fills up with passengers flying on the same plane. I see little kids and older people, and a few maybe my age. It’s still a thirty minute wait.

  My phone beeps loudly and I dig through my bag and answer it. “Hey, it’ll be about thirty minutes until I’m boarding and then another 5 hours or so.”

  “Are you sure you wanna do this?” Spencer asks.

  “I don’t know what I want anymore, but I know I need to do this whether I’m happy about it or not.”

  “Okay, I’ll be there. Have a safe flight.”

  We hang up and I make another call. “Hello?”