by Anne Carol
“Last night she said she hated me.”
“She was just upset. It wasn’t easy watching your ex kiss you! What would you do if Rick came up to Beth and kissed her like that?”
“I’d kick his arse.”
“See? Can you blame her? She didn’t know what to make of it.”
“It wasn’t my fault, damn that Josephine! I don’t love her. In fact, I can’t stand her after the way she treated me.”
“You need to tell Beth that.” She let out an exaggerated sigh. “Let me go find her.”
I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and then a knock on the bathroom door. “He’s awake and asking for you, Beth.”
“Okay.” What am I going to do? I asked the confused girl in the mirror. Did I believe him? Yes. Deep in my soul, if I was really honest with myself, I knew he’d always been faithful, and always would be. Which meant I’d really screwed up last night.
But. It didn’t change the fact that what’d started as a senseless fight had developed into something much bigger. Something still didn’t sit right with me, and I wished I knew what it was.
I ran a hand through my hair and blew out a breath. “Alright, Beth, go deal with your man.”
By the time I returned to the living room, my aunt was in the kitchen preparing breakfast, so I ended up helping her set the table.
As David and I silently ate breakfast with my aunt and uncle, Uncle Ned spoke up. “I’ll drive you home when we’re finished, okay David?”
David’s eyes darted to my face. “Are you coming over?”
Assessing my uncle’s skeptical reaction, I answered, “Uh, I don’t know …”
He closed his eyes, looking defeated.
“You can come back over here, though, after you’ve … cleaned up,” I went on, realizing it was my last chance to be with him before leaving.
As I started packing my suitcase a bit later, Jenny and I talked about last night.
“Beth, you have no reason to be cross with David.”
“I know, I’m just confused. Last night completely threw me. Put a lot of doubts in my head, you know?”
“About what?”
“Whether we can make it, being so far from each other. His ex-girlfriend obviously wants him back. I don’t see how I can compete with her. She’s gorgeous.”
“Have you looked in a mirror lately?”
“Thanks,” I smiled. “But she’s got an advantage—she’s here.”
“He doesn’t love her. He loves you.”
“I know.” I flopped down on the bed. “Last night I kind of went through this mental list of pros and cons, and I got to thinking how different we are. Like, can I really be with a guy who doesn’t want to go to college? I mean, there’s so much to think about.”
“What about how you feel? You love him, Beth. Sounds to me like you’re trying to come up with excuses to end it—why, I don’t know. Perhaps you’re afraid of getting hurt again, or you’re overwhelmed by the reality of moving here. Whatever it is, don’t do anything rash, please. You’ve got a good thing with David. Just promise me you’ll think carefully before you do anything permanent.”
“Okay.”
Not quite an hour passed before he turned up, cleaned, polished, and smelling like David, only with hollow eyes. He brightened up when he saw me enter the living room, and I had a memory flash through my mind of the first moment I saw him in the pub back on that late-June evening. The memory unexpectedly made me smile.
“You look a little better,” I said, running my fingers down his cold cheek. He leaned into my hand, placing his own hand over mine.
“Are you all packed?” He tried to sound casual, but I could detect the sadness in his voice.
“Yeah, pretty much.” I dropped my hand to my side. “Are you up for a stroll?”
“Of course, I’d love a stroll with you.”
Aunt Ellie and Uncle Ned were reluctant to let me go with David, being aware of the blowup we had last night, but they knew we needed to settle things.
Once we were outside in the brisk air, he clasped my hand in his.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
His hand tightened around mine. “Yes, anything.”
I paused for a moment. “Do you … still have feelings for Josephine?”
“Absolutely not,” he answered immediately. “In fact, I question whether I ever really loved her, knowing how I feel about you. It doesn’t even compare.”
“She’s apparently changed her mind about you.”
He sighed. “Angel, can we please go somewhere to talk about this? I can’t do it while we’re walking. I want to be able to look at you and hold you.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
We walked under falling snowflakes to a little pub, where we situated ourselves in an out-of-the-way booth and ordered a pot of tea. He draped his arm around me and pulled me close so our legs were touching.
“Now, we both know I did nothing wrong last night, so what’s bothering you, exactly? Other than it hurt you to see her kiss me?”
Before I could answer, I heard a squeal coming from the entryway. “Oh my gosh!”
A few young blond girls skittered over to David and stood, one on each side of him. “Aren’t you in that band that played last night?”
He gave me an expression that said I’m sorry, and then answered, “Yes, I’m in Vinyl Fog, and this here is my girlfriend, Beth.”
They both gave me a once-over and said a polite “hi.” Then they continued to heap praise on David for his wonderful performance last night, blah, blah, blah. I rolled my eyes.
Then it hit me. It wasn’t only Josephine I was worried about.
Finally the girls walked away, giggling, and David turned to me. “Now where were we?”
“Does that happen a lot?” I nodded in their direction.
“Well, the more gigs we play, the more we get noticed. Especially the day after a performance. Why, does that bother you?”
I looked away, annoyed. “I don’t know. A little.”
“Beth …”
“It’s only going to get worse, isn’t it?” I folded my arms across my chest and continued avoiding his probing gaze.
“Angel, don’t do this, please.”
“Do what?”
“I can feel you pulling away from me. What’s really happening here?” He placed his finger on my chin and forced me to look at him.
“David, I don’t know if I can do this.”
He took in a heavy breath, shifted away from me, and leaned his elbow on the table, gripping his forehead. “What can’t you do, Beth?”
“This!” I waved my hands in the direction of the two girls, who were watching us out of the corners of their eyes. “I don’t know if I can handle it. I was so jealous last night. If this is a picture of how my life is going to be …” I shook my head. “I don’t know if I want it.”
He stared at me, silent and stone-faced, while I continued my soliloquy.
“Plus, we’re so different. I’m going to be doing the college thing next year, and you’re going to be—what—surrounded by girls like that? I don’t know if we’ll make it.”
He swallowed hard. “You’re forgetting one very important thing.”
“What’s that?”
“We love each other.”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“What the hell are you talking about? What is this, Beth? And why all of a sudden does it matter that we’re different? Just the other day you told me it didn’t matter.”
“I’ve had more time to think about it, I guess. I’m really confused right now.”
“You weren’t confused the other night. You told me you wanted to be with me forever. And now I get this terrible feeling you’re about to break up with me.”
“I’m not breaking up with you, exactly. I think what I need is some time to think things through and pray about my direction in life. Maybe you ought to do the same, before we move forward and plan our whole l
ives around each other.”
He closed his eyes and sat silent for a moment.
“So you’re asking for a break, from us?” he said, eyes still shut.
“I think so. Maybe … let’s say, a month?”
“No contact for a month?” His face looked ashen. My heart hated doing this, but my mind was telling me it was necessary.
“I guess so,” I said quietly. “David, please look at me.”
When he finally met my gaze, his eyes were moist. “I don’t know why you’re doing this, but if you need some time to be sure, I’ll go along with it. I’ll do anything for you, Beth.”
“I know, thank you.” I stroked the back of his hand. “It’s not the end. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen, but I don’t want either of us to have any doubts.”
He let out a long breath. “No, of course not.”
David hardly let me out of his sight for the rest of the day. After our painful conversation, he wasn’t himself, and I was in a daze, still not comprehending that I would be flying home the next morning. I had no idea when I’d see him again, if ever, but I couldn’t let myself dwell on that or else I’d fall apart.
We ate a light lunch and then dropped by his house so I could tell his family goodbye. They all asked when I was coming back, and I said I wasn’t sure. David’s head hung low, and his mother in particular picked up on her son’s melancholy.
“Are you alright, son?” she said in a low voice.
He shook his head, trying to be discrete.
We ended up hanging out in his room all afternoon, listening to records while he held me as we lay on his bed. He didn’t hold back on affection, with his tender lips on my neck and his face burrowed in my hair. Our legs twisted together, but there was nothing sexual about our embrace; it was just about being close to each other.
The dinner hour soon approached, and we needed to get back over to my uncle’s house for supper.
“Here, take this with you.” David grabbed a shirt out of his closet and handed it to me just before we headed out. It was that famous blue shirt, the one he’d put on me last summer when he noticed me shivering at the park. “When you need to feel my arms around you, wear it.”
I took it from his hands and hugged it to myself. “I’ll wear it all the time. Thank you. And I’ll wear my beautiful necklace and bracelet, too.” I fingered the chain around my neck with the heart dangling at the center, while he lightly touched the bracelet on my wrist.
To my astonishment, he started chuckling as he took me in his arms and kissed the top of my head. The behavior didn’t exactly fit the situation we were in. “Why are you laughing? I cannot find anything humorous here.” I smiled into his neck and then lifted my eyes to meet his.
“Angel, I’m not laughing, believe me. I just know deep down that this is all going to work out, and I’ll get to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m happy about that.” His hands moved to the back of my hair as he gently smoothed it down.
I buried myself in his arms, relishing the moment, before making our way back to Uncle Ned’s house.
“You’re sure about this?” he asked me as we stood against the wall in the airport terminal after kissing for what seemed like an hour. “You’re about to cry, I can see it.” He ran his finger down the side of my face. “We don’t have to take a break.”
“David, please,” I sniffed. “I’m not changing my mind. It’s for the best, okay? I don’t want either of us to have regrets.”
“My only regret is allowing my ex anywhere near me. That’s what started this,” he grumbled.
“Hey, I’m not mad at you about that, I know it wasn’t your fault,” I assured him.
“Good. You were pretty vicious that night.”
“I’ve already apologized several times for my blow up, Mr. Somers.”
“I’ll take another make-up kiss anyway, Mrs. Somers.”
“Excuse me? That’s very presumptuous.”
“Just trying it out, and I like it.”
“I like it, too,” I whispered, just before kissing his lips. “In fact, I love it, just like I love you.”
“And I love you, sweet girl.” He kissed me. “Forever.”
“Forever.”
It hit me as soon as the plane began taxiing down the runway. I don’t want this; I don’t want a break. I just want my David.
But it was too late.
Gazing out the window at a disappearing London, I whispered, “I’m so sorry, David.”
No matter how many times I apologized in my head to David, it wasn’t going to change what I did. I was literally sick over it. From the second I left London’s air space, all I wanted was to turn the plane around and fly back to the airport so I could tell David to forget the whole break.
What I didn’t understand was why it took being away from him to realize the ugly truth. My reason for forcing the break was due to my own insecurities, not a lack of trust in David. What happened with Josephine on New Year’s Eve, and then the next day with the flirty girls at the pub, made me feel vulnerable. I was scared of being hurt again after what Rick did to me, and life with David in a band would mean constant reminders of that fear. But now that I had some distance, I could see how unfair I was being to David. I was basically punishing him for something another guy did.
But sometimes you love somebody so much that you can’t stand the idea of being devastated by them, of having all your hopes and dreams for the future destroyed. Sometimes it was easier to back away and pretend those intense feelings didn’t exist. The problem was, I couldn’t ignore the ache in my bones at the thought of no contact with David. I made a big mistake, and I was going to have to somehow undo it.
Upon landing and greeting my parents, I faked my way through our reunion, giving the impression that it was the best week of my life. What would they say if they knew I spent half the time arguing with David, when he was essentially the whole reason for the trip? No, I wasn’t in the mood for either sympathy or an I-told-you-so comment.
But my mom could see right through me. No doubt she was on a fishing expedition later that day when she came into my room to find me journaling.
“Thought you might be hungry, so I brought you a little snack.” She handed me a plate of cheese and crackers.
“Mm, my favorite. Thanks, Mom.” I smiled, picking up a cracker and popping it in my mouth.
She watched me for a moment as she stood with her arms folded across her chest.
“Must be nice to be back in your room, huh?” She casually took a seat beside me on the bed.
“Yeah.”
She picked up my wrist and studied my new accessory. “This bracelet is lovely. Gift from David, I assume?”
“Yes.” Please don’t ask about him.
“So everything went well with David? You two had a nice time together?”
I paused for just a second, but it was enough for her to pick up on my tension.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she pressed.
“About what?” I focused on lining up the cheese slice perfectly on the cracker.
“Whatever happened with you and David. Did you have a fight?”
I looked at her, shaking my head. “How do you know these things?”
“I was your age at one time.”
I set the plate aside and grabbed my pillow to lean on.
“Oh, Mom. I’ve made a huge mess of things.”
“How?” She reached over and rubbed my back.
While she patiently listened, I launched into an explanation of how my week really went, leaving out details about our night alone, of course.
“Oh, honey,” she said, tucking my hair back. “These kinds of things happen in a relationship. It isn’t the end of the world, I promise.”
I sat up, surprised by her reaction. “Well … what should I do?”
“Well, what do you think you should do? Are you okay with stepping back for a month or do you want to call him and explain that you’ve had a change of heart
?”
“I think I should call him.” I glanced at my bedside clock. “But it’s too late now.” My shoulders dropped.
“Tomorrow, then.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I studied her for a moment, picking at a loose string on my comforter. “So you’re really okay with me and him, together?”
“I have some reservations, but in general, yes, I’m okay with it. It’s different than what you and Rick had. You guys really love each other, I can tell.” She smiled, taking my chin in her hand. “Is it that hard to believe, that your mother approves of your boyfriend?”
I grinned. “No, of course not. It’s nice. I want you to approve of him, because … I think I’m going to be with him the rest of my life.”
“And knowing you, you probably will, if you keep working at it. Look, things will get sticky once in a while, and … well, you have to be strong during those times.” She smiled. “I think you know what I mean.”
I nodded, secretly planning to record this moment in my journal.
“Don’t spend too much time worrying about this. Just keep praying about it.”
“I will,” I said, yawning. A much-needed sense of peace came over me, and I lay down, curled around my pillow.
When I woke up, it was cold and dark in the house. Perfect conditions for hibernating under warm covers. Yet, I was wide awake. Great. Lovely jet lag.
I switched on my nightstand lamp and went on the hunt for my robe. Once I found it and threw it around my shoulders, I wandered into the kitchen for a snack.
After polishing off a cup of yogurt, I found myself pacing in front of the telephone, contemplating whether I should phone David. It was about one a.m. Pacific Time, which translated to nine a.m. London Time.
“Oh, what the heck.” I grabbed the phone and quickly dialed the familiar number.
Mrs. Somers answered on the first ring. “Good morning.”
“Good morning, Mrs. Somers, it’s Beth. Is David up yet?”
“Why, hello Beth! I take it you arrived home alright. Your mum and dad must be tickled to have you home again.”
“Yeah, they’re glad to have me back. Of course, I can’t sleep because I’m on the wrong time zone. I thought as long as I was up, I could give David a ring.”