The New David Espinoza

by Fred Aceves

  Time for him to go before he and Karina become best friends.

  “Your wife just waved to you,” I say. A total lie.

  “You two enjoy your day,” Rogelio tells us, and carries his son over to join the rest of the family.

  As they walk away, I do more than just glance. I take in his whole body one final time. I really can’t believe I used to think he had a great physique.

  A few minutes later, as I wait for Karina to come back from the bathroom, I look everywhere but at the tray in my hands. The buttery smell is absolute torture. I see Laurie from my social science class last year. She’s taking tickets, ripping them, and directing people left or right down the hall with a pointed finger. Hasn’t recognized me although I’m in her line of vision, four steps away.

  To take my mind off the popcorn, I take a sip of my no-calorie drink, an unsweetened iced tea. Okay, so maybe one little kernel of popcorn won’t hurt me. I crook my neck and lift the wide tray up to my mouth. My lips touch on the saltiness and seconds later the tiny fluff of deliciousness dissolves in my mouth.

  “Nice technique,” Laurie says.

  It’s just her and me now, nobody else around. She still doesn’t recognize me.

  “Thanks.”

  I’m about to say more when Karina walks up and takes out the tickets. “Hey, Laurie! You work here now?”

  Laurie smiles at her and then tilts her head to study me. “Um, hey, Karina.” She takes the tickets, rips them, and hands two halves back. “Yeah, just for the summer.”

  She looks at me again. “Hey, David. I didn’t recognize you at first.”

  To be unrecognizable is the point, so I should be happy that I’ve accomplished my mission. But something about this interaction makes me uncomfortable. I’m still thinking about it as Karina and I enter the half-full theater.

  “Row seven,” Karina says, heading down to our favorite seats.

  In the middle of the seventh row you’re far enough to see the whole screen without shifting your head, yet close enough so you don’t see the walls in your periphery. I taught her that.

  I don’t recognize anybody in the theater. And if anybody recognized me, it would only be because Karina is right here.

  I realize now that’s what bothered me about Laurie. She probably saw me as this cool guy, and then once Karina walked up she realized who I really was. That sucks. I wanna be me without my whole history attached.

  I take a sip of my iced tea and, fuck it, three pieces of popcorn. I’m only human. It makes Karina smile. This tastes better than anything I’ve ever eaten. Corn must be in my Mexican blood. I won’t feel bad about eating a few pieces.

  The room darkens. We settle in to watch the movie.

  It’s funny from the very start, though annoying to see that the high school kids are played by people in their twenties. That’s the only reason some of those physiques on the screen are better than mine.

  By the time I’m their age, I’ll be much more built and with just as much definition as those guys.

  In fact the blond lead actor, Jeremy Evans, is not very built at all. He’s ripped—I’ll give him that—but dude needs to hit those compound exercises to gain some size. I could out-lift him.

  The theater fills with laughter. Totally missed the big joke.

  On second thought, I’m not so sure he’s smaller than me. Dammit. Why can’t I tell?

  I lean in close enough to smell Karina’s flower-scented hair. “Is Jeremy Evans bigger than me?”

  “No,” she whispers back, eyes still on the screen. “What does that matter? Watch the movie.”

  I feel a smile grow on my face. I’m bigger than Jeremy Evans. What kind of heartthrob is that?

  My attention shifts from the guys to the hot girls they’re with—perfect tens, totally outta that guy’s league.

  That’s how it always is, on the screen and sometimes in real life. The girl is too hot for the guy. That’s how it is with Karina and me. I mean, that’s how it was. Things have changed. Am I out of her league now, looking as good as I do?

  No way. How stupid of me. I even close my eyes for a second—the shame hurts that bad. As if our relationship has ever been based on looks.

  I take two pieces from the tub of popcorn Karina is holding—that’s six total now—and realize that toward the end of this movie it will have been 2.5 hours since my last meal. Good thing I brought along a frozen protein shake, blended with peanut butter and oats. I’ll chug that replacement meal just as soon as we’re outta here. No time to wait for dinner with Karina.

  Now that the beach scene is over, all the bodies covered up, the movie and all the jokes are easy to follow. Karina laughs so hard at the restaurant scene that a piece of popcorn shoots outta her mouth, landing on the empty seat in front of us. Which makes us both laugh even more.

  I wonder if things between us will go back to the way they were before the summer. Although we haven’t hung out much, a bunch of stuff has changed. Does she fit in my new life?

  It’s horrible, I know, but I can’t help it. She’s the same Karina, while I’m a totally different person, inside and out.

  I think about all I’ve been through this summer and who I’ve become. Turn it all over in my head until the credits start rolling and the theater lights snap on.

  As we head toward the lobby Karina grabs my hand. It feels different. Warm and dry as usual, but different.

  “The ending was disappointing,” she says. “Don’t you think?”

  “Yeah,” I respond, though I didn’t actually catch it.

  More people swarm the video games and snack bars than before. I’m thinking of that meal replacement shake in the car. The movie lasted longer than I thought it would. It’s been almost twenty minutes since the 2.5 hour mark, and I need calories. I know some YouTubers call it “bro-science,” the idea you might lose gains or even go catabolic for not feeding your muscles on schedule, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

  “Did you even hear me?” Karina asks.

  “Yeah. The ending was disappointing.”

  “No.” Karina lets go of my hand and stops at the edge of the game area, next to a large cardboard ad for a new Pixar movie. “I said something after that.”

  “Sorry. I got stuff on my mind.”

  “Girls?”

  “Food,” I confess, so she doesn’t get the wrong idea. I mention the 2.5 hours and how it’s been twenty minutes since I needed more calories. When she narrows her eyes at me I realize it sounds sort of crazy. I get it. If you’re not into bodybuilding it could sound crazy.

  “Constantly thinking about food,” Karina said. “That’s something I read about too. You think about your body and food constantly.”

  “Gimme a break,” I tell her, because I don’t love being analyzed like this. Scary is what it is. It makes me feel like running away and hiding.

  “For real, David. I read about this. I love you and I want to help you. It’s not normal to be obsessed in this way because . . .”

  Why the hell is this happening here and now? Is she some kind of expert because she read something on the internet? Is she suddenly a therapist?

  Besides, anything she wants to say could wait until we get to the car. That’s where the shake is. I’m not hungry and it damn sure won’t taste good, but my body needs those macros, especially the protein.

  “So I just want you to be aware of that, okay?” Karina asks.

  I just spaced out and missed what came before that. “Okay,” I say, which is obviously the answer she wants.

  “I miss the fun, laid-back David you used to be.”

  I wonder about that for a second. “You’re saying I’m not fun anymore?”

  “You are, but it’s like your obsession has taken over a bit.”

  “Obsession?” I repeat, because I don’t know what else to say. That word really burns me up inside. I’m so ready to go.

  “Yeah, obsession. I really think you need some help and I want to help you find some.”
>
  “Enough already, Karina,” I say. “Jesus. Give it a rest.”

  Her eyes go round. “Don’t talk to me that way. What’s wrong with you?”

  She said that way too loud. Even before I look around to confirm it, I feel everybody eyeballing us. Great. Karina has turned us into a spectacle. I feel heat rise to my face and my jaw tenses.

  “Keep it down, Karina.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do!”

  What’s wrong with her? She’s just as loud as before. A rage takes hold of me and my arms tense up. I take a deep breath and pause to consider something. Did I talk to her all bossy? Maybe that was my bad.

  “Okay, fine,” I say. “Let’s just go.”

  “I’m not going anywhere with you right now. You’re acting like an asshole and raising your voice.”

  Me? Raise my voice? She’s the one who . . . But I gotta deal with this so we can get outta here. Talk privately in the car. Where I can have my shake. My muscles are begging for fuel.

  “Is everything okay here?” a man asks.

  Another flash of heat, and I turn to him. He’s wearing the same orange-and-beige uniforms as the other employees. A manager, according to his nametag, who’s gripping a walkie-talkie like he’s ready to use it. So I won’t tell him to fuck off.

  “We’re fine,” I say.

  I turn back to Karina.

  She looks at him. “We’re fine,” she echoes.

  Then she heads to the door. I follow. When we’re out in the early evening air, she stops. It’s only about a dozen people out here compared to the big crowd inside. It’s an improvement. I feel calmer already.

  “If you’re not on steroids,” she says. “What was that rage in there?”

  Maybe I was louder than I realize. But rage? No way . . . I had it under control.

  “That wasn’t roid rage, Karina. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  She crosses her arms. “Is that what happened with your dad? Is that why you got kicked out?”

  An angry heat is coursing through me. I exhale a long breath so it can escape. Why is she bringing that up? It has nothing to do with anything.

  “I didn’t get kicked out,” I say, keeping my cool. “I wanted to leave. Are you calling me a liar? I told you what happened. He was on my back all the time and I didn’t want to deal with his bullshit anymore.”

  For some reason she glances down real quick and her eyes go extra wide. Then she takes a step back.

  “Is everything okay?” a lady’s voice asks.

  I turn. She’s calling out from way over at the ticket line. Everybody there is frowning our way. They’ve somehow heard me.

  Shit. I guess I’ve been shouting. I lower my head and see what Karina has already seen: my fists clenched to my sides. I see myself the way she does and become aware of my heart racing superfast.

  I lift my head to meet Karina’s eyes. Her face isn’t showing shock. It’s fear. Karina is scared of me. I open my mouth to speak. It’s an impulse, nothing more, because I have nothing to say.

  She turns and takes off in a hurry. Walks out to the parking lot and keeps moving.

  If I go after her, one of these people in line may call the cops. So I’ll let her leave.

  Then I have another thought. Maybe it’s best that I don’t try to fix what just happened between us. Today or ever.

  Karina knows I’m on steroids and won’t accept it. Not now, and definitely not when I do my next cycles. And if she’s read up on it as she said she has, she’ll know about all the side effects. I won’t be able to hide anything from her.

  If our relationship is going to end, maybe this is the best way to do it. No awkward conversations or text messages. Just a clean break without tears.

  I see the white Tercel pull back from the parking spot and then start to drive away. My damn shake is in there.

  Anyway, even putting the whole gear issue aside, there’s something else to consider. Something that puts a sort of positive spin on what just happened: although Karina has been a great girlfriend, and though it’s not nice to say out loud, the simple fact is that the new David can do better.

  20

  Zero days until school begins

  I’VE NEVER been more excited to get outta bed! Not even as a little kid when it was my birthday, or on Christmas when I still believed in Santa Claus.

  I throw the blanket off me and hop up, ready to check out my full transformation. The before video I shot at the start of summer has been chilling in my hard drive, unwatched.

  I find the file I saved three months ago and click play.

  No. Fucking. Way. Was I really that skinny? It makes me cringe, seeing that stick kid flexing in his dad’s house. The only definition he has is the top of his rib cage—two protrusions on each side, underlining his bird chest.

  He busts the double biceps pose—it’s nothing but two straight lines from elbows to shoulders.

  Pathetic.

  Now I step in front of the mirror to do the same poses, feeling a glow of pride. Damn! Look at those two bulges staring back at me! Who wants tickets to the gun show? I got you right here!

  And check out the thickness of my chest! I let my eyes fall just below to the square, hard muscles of my abs. Anybody order a six-pack?

  The gym scale yesterday showed me 25.7 pounds heavier than when I started this journey, but here’s the visual proof.

  A second later I remember I’ll be dropping weight soon. Yesterday I gave myself the final injection of this cycle. Popped the last D-bol tabs.

  But why worry about that today?

  For now, I need my nuts to produce testosterone again. I grab the box of Nolvadex on my desk. It’s anti-estrogen medication normally prescribed to treat breast cancer. I pop four 10-milligram tabs for my post-cycle therapy.

  When you up your testosterone with gear, your body ups your estrogen to compensate. When the testosterone suddenly drops, and the estrogen stays high, you get gynecomastia—a.k.a. bitch tits. Actual breasts that might lactate and everything.

  So yeah. Totally worth the hundred and fifty bucks.

  I remember the next gear cycle coming up in four weeks, wondering how I’ll come up with the money to—

  No! There’s no need to think about that either, dammit. Why do I have so much negativity clogging up my brain space on a happy day like this?

  After a trim of the beard and a quick shower, I pick out some new jeans with a new T-shirt.

  I know—more money disappearing from my tiny roll of cash. But the new body requires a new look and I got the brand names on sale.

  Now that my hair has grown back, I rub a dab of clay into it and make it messy but stylish. Sort of like Natural Nathan does his hair.

  In front of the mirror I take in the final result. I’m not just big but cool, looking so good even Karina might be surprised.

  Outta all the stuff trying to invade my brain on this special morning, please let it not be Karina. I’ve been thinking about her since last Monday when she walked away from me and outta my life. I left it at that, deciding that’s best—didn’t text or call and she didn’t either. But damn if I don’t regret it sometimes.

  Alpha says all I need is another girl. True. These last three months I’ve been without sex and I’m aching for some release. I’ll have another girl soon. Several, maybe. I’m gonna wow the girls at Culler High.

  In the kitchen I’m making an eight egg-white omelet and thinking of Gaby. By this time, she’d be eating the breakfast I served her and wearing the hairstyle I’ve given her. I hope she’s okay.

  I think about Dad too, how he’s getting ready for work and all. I feel guilt every time I think of him. It’s always the same memory of me going Incredible Hulk in that bedroom and hurting him. I know I have to talk to Dad and make things right. It’s been over two weeks. But all I’ve been thinking about is the start of school. Maybe next weekend I’ll pay him a visit.

  So much to push outta my mind. At least no negative thoughts about
my body are creeping into my head this morning. Because they can’t. I look great. It’s undeniable.

  Apha drags himself into the kitchen, yawning big and loud like a wild animal. He’s showered and wearing a Iron Life shirt with my favorite quote: That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

  He smiles big and says, “First day of senior year. Lucky bastard.”

  I bump the fist he puts out for me.

  He’s been as excited about my first day as I have.

  “You’re going to leave Ricky alone, right?”

  “Hell no.”

  He returns my confused look with a shrug. “You haven’t mentioned him lately, so I figured that you let it go.”

  “I’m not trying to step to him at school, but I’m catching him afterward, somewhere and somehow. I got to even the score.”

  “You got your revenge already,” Alpha says. “This physique here is your revenge. Ain’t you ever heard of that saying? The best revenge is a well-lived life.”

  “Sounds like that was invented by a person fearing payback.”

  Alpha laughs. “Fear is right. You’ll strike terror in Ricky when he sees you. That’s what I’m saying. That fear is better than anything.”

  “I don’t know,” I say, though it does make some sense.

  What’s the downside to kicking Ricky’s ass though? Suspension, I guess, if the school finds out about it. A blemish on my record. Big deal. I don’t need to be overly into school anymore. As long as I get my diploma I’m good. It’s not like I’ll lose out on a scholarship or anything. They don’t give them out to study personal training.

  21

  I ACCEPTED Alpha’s offer to drop me off at school. I got out a block away, so nobody would see me and him together and immediately suspect steroids. It’s what has caused all the trouble with Dad and Karina. One look at Alpha and I was guilty by association.

  A line of cars inch in front of the entrance, doors opening to let teenagers loose. I can’t believe I used to be afraid of them. They’re just boys and girls.

  Here we go, I say to myself, walking through the entrance with a confident stride. No more nervous stickboy hunching through the school.