Good-bye, with Love

by Niquel

  My phone buzzed on the nightstand and I felt my heart fluttering in my chest as I reached for it. Johnny’s name scrolled across my screen and I hit accept at the last possible minute. “Hello?”

  “Hey sleepyhead, did you sleep well last night?”

  How could I when our kissed replayed in my head all night?

  “Uh—I didn’t sleep much.”

  “Me either. Listen Mickey I—”

  “Johnny don’t.”

  “Just hear me out, okay?”

  “Okay.” I swallowed hard, trying to contain my words until he was finished.

  “Yesterday something changed between us and I don’t regret it, but I think we shouldn’t let it happen again. I mean we’re just friends and I don’t want things to get weird between us.”

  I couldn’t hear anything else he said over the sound of my own heart pounding in my ears. It wasn’t until he said my name again that I remembered to reply.

  “Okay, I understand. Friends don’t do things like that without consequences, so it won’t happen again, even if I did enjoy it.” Crap, did I really say that out loud?

  Johnny was silent for a minute before he started chuckling on the other end of the phone. “I enjoyed it too, but it’s dangerous.”

  “Okay, well I have to go,” I said, wiping a tear that fell from the corner of my eye.

  Why does this hurt so much? It’s not like we’re in love with each other or something, right?

  Why do things have to get so complicated? I care about her so much, but why does it feel like I’ve just ripped my own heart out of my chest? Why does it feel like I’ve screwed things up by telling her that? Idiot.

  After I got off the phone with her, I decided to try to keep Mickey off my mind by tackling the huge list of chores Mom had given me.

  “Johnny, is everything okay?” Mom asked as I swept the kitchen floor.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “Well for one, it’s gorgeous outside and you’re in the house doing chores that don’t necessarily need to be done right now, and two, don’t you think I can tell when something is bothering the number one guy in my life?”

  She was right, she could always see right through me, no matter how much I tried to hide it. “I’m not gonna go into detail, but something weird happened between me and Mickey last night and I think our friendship will be ruined if we act on it.”

  Mom looked me dead in my eye and put her hand on my shoulder. “Johnny, I’ve known since the first day you met her that you were in love with her. You’re only thirteen, but you have an old soul. You’re a gentleman and you’ve always put other’s needs before your own. You threw that girl the best damn birthday party I’ve ever seen and I’m sure emotions ran high between the two of you. Don’t let one little kiss ruin things. If you want to be with her you either need to tell her, or remain friends and suppress those feelings. I’m going to be honest with you, you’re too young to understand it now, but when you get to be my age, you’ll appreciate the innocent first loves more than anything else in your entire life—unless you so happen to find the one.”

  Dang. How did she know? I guess moms do know all.

  “Okay, Mom. I understand. I have to really think about this.”

  “That’s fine honey. You need to remember that your decision now will affect the rest of both your lives.”

  “Michelle? Are you gonna come down and eat something today? You’ve been up there all morning!” Mom yelled from the stairs below.

  I hadn’t moved much since Johnny and I’d gotten off the phone. I didn’t know what to do. I did feel something for him and the thought of our kiss brought a smile to my face, but I just felt like crap. I felt like crap because I don’t know what I wanted. Do I keep a best friend? Or do we become a thing? Screw it!

  “I’m on my way down, Mom!”

  Me: We need to talk, meet me at my house in an hour. Oh and make sure you dress warm.

  Johnny: K.

  We walked along an ice-covered path in silence. She led the way and I blindly followed. I didn’t know what to expect when we got to our destination, but I knew we both had a lot to get off our chests.

  “Even in the middle of winter, this place is still gorgeous,” she said, wiping the snow off a few branches before climbing in the middle of a half-dead tree.

  “Mickey, what is this place?”

  “It’s my home away from home. This is where I come to think and unwind. I promised to show you someday, so here it is. Sorry it’s not warmer though.”

  There was a lake in front of us that was completely frozen over and it looked pretty cool. I watched as she let her furry boots hang over the side of the tree. “You coming up?” she said, extending her hand toward mine.

  I climbed up and sat beside her, trying not to turn around and kiss her again. “So . . .”

  “Listen Johnny, I really like you and I don’t regret the kiss, but I think we should just be friends okay?”

  “Okay.” I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had been planning to say basically the same thing. I didn’t want to complicate things between us. We could save that for later in our teens. She turned and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I grabbed her glove-covered hand and gave it a squeeze. “To friendship!”

  “To best friendship!”

  From that day on that’s exactly what we had.

  After a long, cold winter, the weather was finally showing some signs of spring. Johnny and I decided to spend more time with our friends and less time with each other. He showed up to a few of my doctor’s appointments to make sure the cancer wasn’t spreading further, but other than that we just occasionally hung out on Fridays to do our homework together; that was one thing that was still very important to us.

  “Mickey, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure, what is it, Sarah?”

  “Marceline and I have noticed you haven’t been hanging with Johnny as much, why is that?”

  “No reason.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  Okay there is something behind this and I can’t wait to hear what. Before she complained about me being with him too much and now I’m not with him enough, what gives?

  “Well, you’ve been acting kind of weird lately. You’re not as happy as you were before. It’s like he completed you and you were so much happier when he was always there. Now, you’re kind of a drag to be around.”

  Ouch.

  “I guess I was focusing on other things and I didn’t realize. I do miss him, but I wanted to hang with you girls too.”

  “And it was nice at first, but I think you should hang out with your soul mate. You guys might not see it now, but you’re meant to be together. Watch what I tell you. I knew it the first day you met him because you changed so much and you hadn’t even gotten to know him yet.”

  Soul mate? Is that how they really see him?

  “But I feel torn. I don’t want to be with him, but I want to be around him.”

  “Then go and be around him. Doesn’t he have a birthday coming up? Maybe you should do something special for him this time, as an apology and a makeup gift.”

  Maybe Sarah was right. He meant so much to me and I couldn’t take being away from him any longer. It was torture waiting until Friday to actually get to hang out with him and it sucked badly.

  “John, dude, are you all right?”

  “Yeah. Why Landon?”

  “Because you’ve been different.”

  “What do you mean by different?”

  “Ugh. Ever since you and your girlfriend split apart you’ve been acting weird. You’re not as fun as before. I mean don’t get me wrong, I do like hanging out and stuff, but not when you’re like this. Your energy sucks to be around man. I feel kind of depressed being around you.”

  “Well, thanks for your honesty bro. I hadn’t realized I sucked so badly. We agreed to only hang out once a week and I’m not gonna lie it was tough at first, but then I started to appreciate
Fridays more and more.”

  “Duh, dummy. You two need to cut the crap. I don’t want to say you belong with Mickey, but y’all definitely need to stop this once a week crap. Even watching you guys walk past one another in the hallway is painful.”

  I’d felt like crap since we’d agreed to take a break, but I hadn’t realized how bad it was affecting life and the people around me. My mom hadn’t said anything and she was usually the first to put me in my place. Maybe I should talk to her about this when I get home. She’ll set me straight.

  “Mom, can I talk to you about something?”

  “Sure JJ, what’s up?”

  “Have I been weird to be around lately?” She paused and looked like she had to think hard before answering me. “Mom?”

  “Honey, yes. You’ve been kind of . . . depressing, I guess is the word for it. When you used to come home from school or hanging out with Mickey, you were so happy and upbeat, but now that you’ve decreased your time together, you’ve been different. You used to be so eager to tell me about your day after spending it with her, and now you retreat to your room and stay there until I call you for supper or tell you to get ready for bed.”

  “I don’t know what to do Mom. I mean, I miss her so much. I look forward to Friday every single week.”

  “Then tell her. I’m sure she’s feeling the same way. You can’t just drop the best friend that has been there with you through everything and not expect it to hurt.”

  “You’re right. Thanks Mom.”

  Me: We need to talk.

  Mickey: I was just thinking the same thing. Meet me at the mill in an hour.

  As I walked down the same path I’d walked down with her over the winter, I had knots in my gut. I felt like I was meeting my crush for the very first time. When I arrived at the old leafless tree, I spotted her walking toward me. She’s so beautiful.

  “Hey,” she said, wrapping her arms around my chest and squeezing it tightly before she let go.

  “H-hey.”

  “Johnny, I’m not gonna beat around the bush. I miss the crap out of you. I don’t know what we were thinking. There is no one else I’d rather be around than you. You know how to make me smile. You can cheer me up and make me want to punch you all at the same time, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  I didn’t know what got into me, but I pulled her close to me and stared into her bright green eyes. I felt my tongue rake over my lips, and then I kissed her.

  I’d have been lying if I’d said I didn’t want this. I’d have been lying if I’d said I would resist. I wanted it more than he did. I needed to feel this connection again and I didn’t care what the consequences would be. I needed Johnny. I needed to be around him every single day. I needed to be around him every second of the day. I had to quit beating myself up at night for not having the courage to tell him how I was feeling sooner. Four months was way too long to only have him to myself once a week. I’ll never make that mistake again.

  I broke our kiss and laid my head on his shoulder while he held me tightly in his arms. His heart was beating surprisingly calm in his chest—unlike my own, which was beating furiously in my chest.

  “I’m sorry. I wish we never agreed on this. It was so stupid. I mean, I did miss my friends, but having them around so much annoyed the crap out of me.”

  “Me too. I never thought there would be such a thing as too much Landon.”

  “Haha. Well, I don’t care what we are; I know that we’re meant to be around each other.”

  “I agree, Mickey. Let’s not change anything else—ever.”

  He grabbed my hand and led me down the path. “Where are we going?”

  “Does it matter? Wherever you are, I want to be there.” I could feel the tears spilling down my cheeks. Is this really what young love feels like? If so, I never want it to end.

  Age: Thirteen

  Diary Entry: Finally

  Dear Diary,

  Johnny and I have finally stopped this stupid once a week thing and decided to hang out every day again. I was so scared that he didn’t feel the same as I did, but once I looked into his eyes, I knew he wanted the same exact thing that I wanted.

  If this is what true love feels like, I never want it to end. When he looks at me, smiles at me, and even slightly touches me, I can feel sparks. I’ve never felt this way about anyone ever, and I hope it never has to end.

  I don’t think I’m ready to date now, but whatever we have going on right now, I won’t fight it. I’ll let everything happen as it should. I’ve already tried to change things once and failed, so I don’t need to do it again.

  Today I fell in love with Johnny Gates all over again, and I hope this feeling lasts forever.

  Mickey

  Things had never been better between Mickey and me. We basically picked right back up where we’d left off. The weeks flew by before I finally got the chance to sit down and realize my fourteenth birthday was coming up. I warned Mickey not to do anything for it because I knew she felt like she owed me for hers. I wanted to hang out with a few friends and my mom like usual, nothing fancy, but I had a feeling she wasn’t going to listen to me because she was Mickey.

  As I put my books into my locker, I felt a hard tap on the back of my shoulder blade. “Johnny! Dude, your birthday is coming up. What are you gonna do for it?”

  “I’m just gonna chill man. I don’t need anything flashy.”

  “Cool. Well whatever you do, I’m invited right? I mean I am your best friend—well, best male friend anyway.”

  “Duh man. It’s not a party without you, bro.”

  “Hey Mickey, wait up!”

  Ugh what does he want? “Yes, Landon?”

  “So what are you gonna do for Johnny’s birthday? It is next week ya know.”

  “Yes, I know when his birthday is. He told me he didn’t want anything fancy, so I didn’t plan anything fancy.” I did plan something amazing though, but you won’t know until after you get the invite.

  He looked at me with one eyebrow raised, trying to study my face to see if I was lying.

  “What? Why are you staring at me like that?”

  “I don’t believe you. I think you’re up to something. I’m watching you, Dawson.”

  Okay weirdo. Please go away now.

  “Don’t let my boy down!” he said as he walked down the hallway.

  If he’s your boy, then why didn’t you plan anything? Oh yeah that’s right, you didn’t think about that!

  “Mom, I have no idea how I’m going to pull this off!”

  “What honey?”

  “Johnny’s birthday party.”

  “Well we already have everything set up, so what’s the problem?”

  “His friend Landon is on my case about it and I didn’t want to tell him anything earlier because I knew he’d go and blab to Johnny and ruin everything!”

  “Then you did good. What you should do is give a few of his friends and yours invitations with an address and time. Don’t tell them anything else. That way everyone will be surprised.”

  “Okay, but how do I get Johnny there without blowing everything?”

  “It’s going to be tough, but me and Melinda will help you out with that.”

  The day had come. I had no idea how he’d react, but I hoped he’d like it. I knew I couldn’t go wrong choosing video games.

  Johnny’s mom texted me to tell me that he was on his way to get a haircut and that she’d made him get a new outfit; I couldn’t wait to see it. She also told me she’d told him she was gonna take him out to lunch with me and a few of his friends at the mall later. Perfect.

  “Hey, son. Today’s your birthday isn’t it?”

  “Yeah it is, Rocky.” I didn’t trust many people with my hair, but Rocky was the exception. He was the only barber in this town that didn’t threaten to give me a buzz cut. He trimmed my hair the way I wanted it.

  Rocky was a tall older guy, covered in tattoos and sporting a long graying ponytail.

  H
e handed me the mirror and I looked at myself for a while, but I couldn’t figure out why my face looked weird.

  “This one’s on the house, son.”

  “You sure?” I said, pulling the money out of my back pocket.

  “Yeah, and whoever the young lady is, make sure you keep her happy. No matter what age you get, always keep your woman happy.”

  “I—”

  “It’s written all over your face. I’ve been cutting your hair for six months now and I’ve never seen you smile or look at yourself in the mirror for more than two seconds after a cut.”

  Busted.

  I rushed home to get changed for lunch with Mom and my friends. She wouldn’t tell me where we were going, but I didn’t care as long as Mickey was there with me.

  I grabbed a white tank top and my black and red polo shirt out of the closet before Mom yelled at me to hurry up.

  After I tossed my gel in my hair and grabbed my leather jacket, I ran down to meet Mom.

  “JJ, you’re going to break a lot of hearts when you get older. You look so handsome. I can’t believe my baby is fourteen years old.”

  “Mom, stop it! You’re getting all girly on me again.”

  “I’m your mother, I’m allowed to get girly once in a while. Thank you very much!” She elbowed me in the side.

  “Fine, where are we going?”

  “You’ll see.”

  My legs shook with anticipation waiting for Johnny to show up. “You okay, Mick?”

  “Yeah Mom, just nervous.”

  “You did good, Champ. I love it and I’m not even a teenage boy any more.” Dad laughed.

  I saw Johnny’s mom’s car pull up and my stomach was in knots. As I watched him get out of the car, a chill went through my body.