by L A Cotton
“I’ve had it since I got out of rehab. A reminder of what I never want to become. But fuck, little brother, the voices are too loud sometimes.” He spun the glass, staring into it as if it held all the secrets of the universe.
“Levi,” I started, unsure how to approach this. There was no instruction manual here. No matter how many times I talked Levi off a cliff, I could never predict his response. But I also knew avoiding the elephant in the room wasn’t going to help matters.
“Eva is fine.”
“Now, she’s fine now.” Anguish clung to every syllable. “It isn’t even that, it’s that she lied.”
“She didn’t lie,” I said. “She just didn’t volunteer the truth. It’s only what we do every single day of our lives.”
“It isn’t the same.” He slammed his hand down on the bar, the glass rattling with its impact.
“So how is it? Talk to me, brother.”
He let out a heavy sigh, running a brisk hand down his face. “She made me care. She made me fucking care and then I saw that headline and all I could think was she’s going to leave me.” A bitter chuckle rumbled in his chest. “Ironic isn’t it? She’s not even mine and I’m worried about losing her.”
His words were like a knife to the stomach.
“It’s okay to care, Levi,” I choked out.
Sometimes the problem wasn’t that my brother didn’t care; it was that he cared too much. Me. Eva. Even the guys. His strong sense of attachment to us often got tangled up in his violent or angry outbursts. Bottom line was Levi was wired wrong and it was through absolutely no fault of his own. That was the cruelest thing about all of this. He didn’t choose to be this way; it was just the shitty hand he’d been dealt.
“There’s just something about her,” he let out a frustrated breath, “I can’t explain it.”
“Yeah.” That makes two of us, I swallowed the words, guilt snaking through me.
He deserved to know.
Levi deserved to know that I’d lied about my feelings for Eva. After the weekend in Camdena, when he’d asked me if I liked her, I’d looked my brother in the eye and lied. He had been spiraling. I’d seen it, the guys had seen it, we’d all fucking seen it. So instead of owning up to how I’d really felt about Eva and driving a huge wedge between us, I’d told him she was just a girl I’d had some fun with. I thought I was protecting him. I thought I was being the brother he needed me to be.
I was Levi’s person—there was no room for Eva in that equation.
But here we were.
Rafe, Eva, and Levi.
And I still couldn’t tell him the fucking truth because I knew once I did, it would be too much, and he’d snap.
“She’s really going to be okay?” he asked, breaking the silence.
“Yeah, man, she’s going to be okay.” The knot in my stomach tightened. Then he said eighteen little words that blew my freaking mind.
“Eva is too fucking good for a guy like me,” there was no pain in his voice, only resignation, “but she would have been good for you.”
After calling in reinforcements, I left Levi at the bar. He wanted to hang out and play pool, to keep himself distracted from the dark and poisonous thoughts swimming around his mind. He also asked me, of all people, to go check on Eva.
That’s how I found myself standing outside her room, Travis eyeing me from his position down the hall. I slipped inside only to come face to face with Molly.
“Oh, it’s you,” she sneered. “What do you want?”
“I just want to make sure she’s okay.”
Her eyes narrowed to deadly slits. “I like you, Rafe, I do, but I don’t trust you. You broke her heart once, don’t do it again. I’m going to find Letty and the guys. You’re welcome.” She shouldered past me and I closed the door.
“What do you want?” Eva asked coolly as she stepped out of her bedroom.
“I came to apologize. I didn’t handle that well, I’m sorry.”
Her eyes fluttered closed, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Don’t cry.” I rushed forward, pulling her into my arms. “Please don’t cry.”
“Everythin’ is such a mess.” She fisted my t-shirt.
“We all have secrets, Eva.” Sliding my fingers underneath her jaw, I tilted her face to mine.
“Why are you really here, Rafe? You should be with Levi, he needs you.”
“You need me. I’m right where I need to be.”
Her eyes clouded over. “When I needed you, you walked away from me. Again.”
“It wasn’t like that, I swear.” Panic twisted inside of me. “I was just so shocked. All I kept thinking was, ‘what if I lose her?’, ‘what if she gets sick again?’. I got scared, okay? I know I screwed up and I’m sorry.”
“You should go.” Eva stared at me, defiance burning in her eyes.
My strong brave Starshine.
“Rafe, I mean it, you should—”
“Ssh,” I slipped my thumb over her lips. “I’m right here.” My mouth hovered over hers.
“Rafe, I...”
I kissed her. I couldn’t help myself. She tasted of tears and torment. My hands slid into her hair, anchoring her to me.
“We shouldn’t—”
“We should.” I started walking Eva backward until we were in her bedroom. “Let me love you, Starshine. Let me make you smile again.”
She pressed her lips together, giving me a small nod. It was the signal I needed to hook my hands under her t-shirt and drag it up her body. Her jeans went next, and then her bra. “You’re perfect.” I dipped my head, capturing a dusky bud in my mouth.
Eva moaned, shoving her fingers deep into my hair while her other hand slipped under my shirt. “I need to feel you,” she whispered between kisses, our tongues stroking, teeth nipping.
Barely breaking the kiss, I managed to yank off my shirt and kick off my jeans. We took our time with our underwear, teasing and touching. By the time we were both naked, Eva’s skin was flushed and damp. I hooked my arm around her waist and pulled her down onto the bed. We landed in a tangle of laughter and limbs.
Rolling Eva underneath me, I nestled between her legs. “No regrets,” she said catching me off guard.
“No regrets.” My chest tightened, but I was too high on her to let the lingering guilt dampen the moment.
Eva was it for me. I just had to come clean to Levi at the right moment and hope to hell he understood. Even if he didn’t, I would find a way to make him see I needed her too. Besides, his words earlier gave me hope.
Hooking my hand under Eva’s thigh, I hitched her leg around my hip as I slowly rocked into her. “Jesus,” I groaned.
“More,” she breathed, arching into me.
“Everything.” I whispered against her lips. “I want to give you everything, Eva.”
I only hoped it was a promise I could keep.
We lay side by side staring up at the ceiling. I hadn’t planned to kiss her, to spend the last hour loving her. But the second I saw Eva, standing there, tears streaking down her cheeks, I knew I was a goner. I loved this girl. Fuck, I loved her so damn much. I wanted to carry her demons and shoulder her pain. I wanted to spend the rest of my days making her smile.
“I guess we should talk.” My words pierced the silence.
“I think we were supposed to do that first.” Eva’s soft laughter washed over me like a warm blanket, and I never wanted this moment to end. But life wasn’t a fairytale, it was cold and cruel and hard. And I knew just because we were here, together, didn’t mean that out there would be as easy.
“Me and Levi had a rough childhood,” I started, knowing if I didn’t get this off my chest I might never do it. “We don’t talk about it, ever. But it’s always there.”
Rolling onto her side, Eva brushed her fingers down my chest, staring down at me with so much love I felt winded.
“Our mom was... well, she was all messed up. She was a recovering alcoholic when she got pregnant with Levi.”
“What about
your dad?”
“We have different dads. Neither stuck around but I got the better deal. Levi’s dad was a mean drunk. Used to beat her around. It only got worse when she got pregnant. And then he upped and left. Said she was no good to him now she had a baby.”
“That’s awful.” Eva lay her head on my chest and I ran my hand through her hair, loving how soft the strands felt against my fingers.
“It gets worse. She never bonded with Levi, blamed him for screwing everything up. Then she met my dad. He was good for her for a while. She fell pregnant with me and by all accounts, they were happy. But Levi was a difficult child. Always trying to get her attention and going about it the wrong way. She favored me and neglected him. It didn’t help that she named him Leviathan and me Raphael.”
Eva jerked back, her brows pinched in disbelief. “She called him that?”
I nodded, remembering the first time he told me what his name meant, what it represented. I barely understood what he was saying but I knew from the angry tears in his eyes, it wasn’t good.
“I was her angel. Her gift from God. She used to say Levi was her damnation and I was her salvation.”
“That’s... I don’t even know what to say.”
“It’s messed up and something we have to live with every day of our lives. We’ve been Rafe and Levi for a long time now.”
“What happened to her?”
“My dad couldn’t take anymore of her and Levi’s strange relationship, so he left.”
“Rafe, I–”
“It’s okay. I took it hard at first but then she relapsed. Liquor, drugs, prostitution, anything she could do to escape her life. And Levi was such an angry kid, he had little in the way of self-preservation. I became his protector. His everything. There wasn’t time to grieve for a guy who wasn’t strong enough to stick around.
“Eventually, Mom had a complete mental breakdown when I was twelve and we were put into foster care. After four years of being shunted from home to home we finally decided to get our own place. We’d been playing small time gigs and had managed to save enough money to rent a room above a bar. It was a total dive, but it was ours and that’s all that mattered.”
“I had no idea.” Tears glossed Eva’s eyes as she looked up at me. “I mean, I knew somethin’ bad must have happened, but I never imagined...” She swallowed, pity etched into her expression.
“It could have been worse.” I shrugged. “We could have ended up being split up.” Some kids weren’t as lucky as us. They had no one.
We’d always had each other. Even when Levi hated me, and he had over the years, I’d been there for him.
“What happened to her?”
“She died when I was fifteen. Drug overdose.”
“That’s why you feel responsible for him,” she whispered.
“It’s not that I feel responsible for him, Eva, but Levi has only ever known abandonment. His dad left before he was born. Our mom treated him like he was the devil incarnate. Even my dad, who was a decent enough guy, didn’t stick around. I’m the only person who has never left him.” A beat passed as I let the truth sink in and then I said the words I never thought I’d say. “And then you came along.”
“It isn’t like that between us, Rafe.”
“I know.” I leaned up brushing Eva’s cheek. “But he’s attached to you. For the first time in years, Levi has formed a genuine attachment to someone, and it had to be the girl I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with.”
“You love me?” Her soft ocean eyes widened, shining with emotion.
“I’ve loved you for a while now, Starshine.”
“Oh yeah?” The corner of her mouth kicked up.
“Yeah.” I craned my neck to kiss her. It was slow and deep, an acknowledgment of my confession.
“Well, it’s a good thing really,” she breathed against my lips before inching away to look at me. “Because I love you too. I love you, Rafe. You.” Eva dropped her head to mine, the weight of our words swirling around us.
“Do you have any idea how many times I’ve wanted to say that?” I asked her, and she smiled.
“Probably about as many times as me.” We kissed again. Long and lingering, exploring each other’s mouths as if it was the first time. And in many ways, it was. This was our first kiss with the truth all laid out before us.
Eva eventually broke away. “What do we do now? I’m not sure I can keep sneaking around. It’s killin’ me, Rafe. And Levi deserves to know the truth about us.”
I sucked in a harsh breath. “He does. I’ll talk to him. I wanted to tell him earlier, but he’s too fragile right now. I’ll also talk to Alistair.”
“Do you think he’ll understand?”
“What choice does he have? I’ve tried fighting it, Eva. I’ve tried to do the right thing. But for once, I want to be selfish. I want to follow my heart. And it’s you, Evangeline Star Walker. You’re my heart.”
A stray tear rolled down her cheek, gutting me. “I’m scared,” she admitted.
“Me too. But all I know is this is worth it, you’re worth it.”
“I’m worried about him,” Eva whispered. “I don’t want to be another person who breaks his heart.”
“Levi will come around.”
He had to.
Because the other option wasn’t worth thinking about.
Eva
“What did your mom say?” I asked Molly as she flopped down beside me.
Rafe had left some time ago. There was an intimate gig tonight at a new club opening on the strip, and they needed to rehearse. I’d stayed behind wanting to give Levi some space. Rafe was adamant he would come around, but we agreed it should probably be on his terms.
“Just the usual. I have responsibilities, she needs to work, yada yada... as if those little brats are my kids, ya know?” Sadness clouded her eyes. “I love them dearly, but sometimes I just want to be a normal senior. I want to date and go on road trips and be reckless every once in a while.”
“Well you’re here now.” I reached over and covered her hand with mine.
“I am.” She beamed. “And I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
In the aftermath of the article, Molly had decided to stay another night. Letty had already changed her flight home to tomorrow. Even though me and Rafe had cleared the air, it felt good knowing I had my best friend around for another night.
“I should have told them,” I said quietly. “Then maybe it wouldn’t have come to this.”
The devastation and betrayal in Levi’s eyes was something I wouldn’t forget in a hurry, but it was nothing compared to the look of sheer desperation I’d witnessed in Rafe’s eyes.
And all because of me.
“But you didn’t,” Molly’s voice cut through my reverie. “Besides, those boys have more secrets than my old Dear Diary. Don’t be fooled into thinkin’ they don’t.”
“Rafe told me.”
Her eyes bugged. “What do you mean?”
“He told me why Levi is like this.”
“And?”
“I won’t ever repeat their story, Molly, not even to you.”
“I can respect that.” She gave me a warm smile. “But maybe you should ask yourself why you didn’t tell them.” There was no judgment in her eyes, only gentle understanding.
I gave her a half-hearted shrug. “I guess I wanted them to see me for me, not for the girl who lived. That stuff changes things. Look how the kids at school acted when I came back. Just because I survived doesn’t mean I don’t live with cancer every day, Mol. I knew if I told them, things would be different.”
“You were scared they would reject you?” My eyes dropped to the floor, but Molly reached over, taking my hand in hers.
“I was protectin’ myself.”
“I hate to tell you, babe, but I don’t think it’s you who needed protectin’. Those guys have all fallen completely in love with you.”
“They don’t love me.”
Rafe loved me, but the others, the o
thers had to like me given the circumstances.
“I’m not talkin’ about hearts and flowers. I’m talkin’ about the way a brother loves his sister. You saw how they were last night. They’d do anythin’ for you.”
Her words sank into me. When I’d first arrived, I was so adamant I wanted my survivor’s story to stay out of the press to protect myself. But maybe Molly had a point. Maybe deep down, a part of me had done it to protect them. Something had happened that weekend in Camdena. Not only between me and Rafe but between me and the rest of the band. And the more I’d gotten to know them, the more I’d realized just how complicated they were. I didn’t want to become another burden for them to shoulder.
“How do you think they found out?” She changed direction.
“I guess a journalist went home and asked around or someone tipped them off.”
“Didn’t Alistair say he’d taken precautions to prevent that?”
“Yeah, but I knew it could happen.” You knew and still didn’t say anything.
“Look, tough talk time.” Molly folded her legs beneath her and faced me. “It’s done. You can’t change that, all you can do is find a way to move forward. You and Rafe, for as much as I want to kick his ass right now, are meant to be together. I know he’s Levi’s brother, I know they share some higher-level bond or somethin’, but Rafe is also a person. He has hopes and dreams and desires all his own, and it’s okay for him to go after them. It doesn’t mean he’s betrayin’ his brother or abandonin’ him.”
“I know.” I just wasn’t sure Levi would see it that way.
“He loves you, babe, and you love him. You will find a way to make it work because I have to believe one of us is destined to be happy.”
“Mol.” I gave her a sad smile. “Don’t say that.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll figure my crap out one day. But today is not that day.”
“But last night, you and Hudson seemed… friendly.”
“Oh it was plenty friendly.” She smirked. “But it’s like between the sheets we’ve got it down and then it’s over and we’re both lyin’ there and neither of us can think of a single thing to say. That’s why I snuck out. I didn’t want to do the whole awkward mornin’ after.”