Getting Down to Business

by Allison B Hanson

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m going to go take a shower and spend the rest of the evening not working on the Leedom account.”

  He brought her a glass of wine while she was in the shower, and by the time she came out, he’d made tacos.

  They ate in front of the television and then he nudged her to sit on the floor in front of him so he could rub her shoulders and neck. She was so tense.

  “Feel good?” he guessed when she moaned in appreciation. She nodded and he bent to kiss her neck.

  This was the only place he wanted to be. And she was the only person he ever wanted to be with.

  They hadn’t mentioned Mia’s earlier announcement or her reaction to it. He was biding his time for now. Instead he focused on making her feel good. And he could tell from the way she let her head roll from side to side that so far, he was successful.

  He leaned up when she didn’t say anything. Then he heard a sniff and saw the worst thing ever.

  Tears streamed down both cheeks as she looked up at the ceiling, her jaw clenched tight.

  “Shit! What is it? Did I hurt you, Liss?” He removed his hands from her shoulders. She didn’t seem hurt. At least not physically.

  A sob caught in her throat and she shook her head.

  “You didn’t hurt me. I’m fine.”

  “You’re obviously not fine. What is it? Please tell me.”

  Again she shook her head.

  “Alyssa, let me help you.”

  He placed his fingers on her chin and guided her face toward him so she had no choice but to look at him. “Tell me.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “Of…you.” Her voice shook as she tried to hide her face from him again. He released his grip immediately, though he hadn’t been holding her hard enough to cause pain.

  “Me?” he choked. “I would never hurt you.” Again he looked her over, thinking she was suffering from some physical pain he had caused.

  “I know that. It’s just this.” She moved her hand back and forth between them.

  “This?” He didn’t understand.

  “I didn’t want to go out with Mia last week. I wanted to be with you. I always want to be with you.” Her words finally clicked.

  “I only ever want to be with you too,” he confessed.

  “We said we weren’t going to let this happen,” she said as she pulled away from him. “We’re getting too comfortable with each other. And what happened with Mia and the Philly guy has me worried that I could end up wanting the same sort of thing with you.”

  “That’s not necessarily a bad thing, Liss. We’re happy together. Why can’t we just go with it?”

  “And what happens when it doesn’t work out? I’ll be right back where I was, with deeper scars and heavier baggage.”

  “You don’t know that. Maybe this could be good.”

  “I can’t. This isn’t what I signed up for. Don’t you get it? I’m too messed up. Anytime you work late or go to the gym, I wonder if that’s really where you are. It’s none of my business so I never ask, but I keep waiting for the cops to knock on the door to take you off to prison. I don’t let myself plan too far ahead because you might not be here.”

  “I will be here. I’m not a rapist or anything else. I’m just a regular guy who wants to try to have something real with you.”

  “I don’t do real, Grayson. I told you that from the beginning.”

  “Then what do you want? Tell me how you want to handle this?” He couldn’t hide his panic. She looked like a caged animal about to run away and never come back. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t lose her. Not until he had a chance to fix things.

  “I think we should go back to just being roommates. Nothing else.”

  Gray knew that would never work. Their attraction was undeniable. They wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off each other. But he was afraid if he refused, she would bolt.

  “Okay,” he agreed hastily, holding up both hands. “We’ll do it how you want, until you feel safe enough to trust me. I’m not going anywhere, Alyssa. I’m willing to wait however long it takes for you to trust me.” He realized now it was too late to save himself. Everything he wanted was in the hands of this woman.

  “I’m not going to change my mind. I can’t change my mind even if I wanted to. It doesn’t work that way. I’ll never be able to trust anyone. I’m broken,” she said, wiping tears from her cheeks. “I’m not meant to be happy. It wouldn’t be fair.”

  This was not the first time she’d alluded to not deserving happiness.

  “Of course you’re supposed to be happy. You didn’t do anything. You didn’t hurt those girls. Donnie did.”

  “I didn’t stop him!”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I could have figured out what he was doing and stopped him.”

  He stared at her for a moment wondering how she could think that. He wanted to tell her she was wrong, but he knew from the look on her face, he’d never convince her. She believed this for too many years.

  He wanted to be the one to pick up the pieces and help her mend, but he didn’t know how. He remembered something Iz had mentioned about closure, and decided it would be worth a shot. He’d do anything to help her. Even visit her ex-fiancé in prison.

  Over the next week, they kept their distance from each other. They didn’t even watch television together. Most evenings, Alyssa took her dinner to her room and stayed in there.

  That was fine, it gave Grayson the time he needed to make travel plans and talk to his sister.

  By Tuesday night, everything was in place.

  * * * *

  Something was up with Gray.

  “I have a work thing I have to go to this evening. It might be late when I get back,” Gray said on Wednesday morning as they got ready for work.

  “Okay.”

  As if a reflex, he leaned down to kiss her, and then quickly pulled back. When he stood and didn’t meet her eyes, she knew he was lying.

  She knew it as sure as if he had been wearing a T-shirt that said, “I don’t have a work thing tonight. I’m doing something I don’t want you to know about.”

  “Have a nice day,” she said, trying to get him to look at her.

  He just nodded and left.

  For a few minutes, Alyssa tried to fight off tears. Stupid, irrational tears she had no business having. She and Gray weren’t together. She’d even told him he should go out with someone. But now that it seemed that was happening, she hated the idea.

  When had she become fickle? She disliked fickleness.

  Mia stopped in her office.

  “Let me guess, you broke up with the guy?” Alyssa said as she pulled her laptop from her bag.

  “No. I gave my notice. I was able to get a job in Philadelphia. And no, it’s not porn. It’s a legit job, thank you very much.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m happy for you.”

  “I don’t think you’re happy at all. What is going on?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Liar,” Mia called her out with an expectant frown. “Spill.”

  “I told Grayson I didn’t want a relationship, like I’ve been telling him since we met. I think he’s going out with someone tonight.”

  “Like you told him to do,” Mia said with her brows raised.

  “Yeah.”

  “You are so stupid.” Mia rolled her eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  She couldn’t go into all the scary details about what was wrong with her. They had jobs to do.

  “Too many things are wrong with me.”

  “You’re in love with him, Liss.”

  “No way.”

  “You wouldn’t give a shit if he went out with someone tonight if you didn’t really care about
him.”

  “I don’t give a shit. He can do whomever he wants.” If she could say it without cringing, it might seem believable. Mia wasn’t falling for it.

  “From the way he was looking at you, I’m pretty sure he’s got it all kinds of bad for you. There’s no way he’s seeing someone else. This is ridiculous. Why are you fighting this so hard?” Mia huffed and started to walk away. Then she returned. “And you are being stupid. I know. I used to think it was safer to not get close, but you know what? Not every guy is going to lie to you. Andy isn’t that kind of man and neither is Grayson.”

  “I wish I could be sure that was true.” She couldn’t imagine Grayson hurting anyone or lying. But then she hadn’t imagined Donnie was capable of such a thing either.

  “It doesn’t really matter if we want to or not. Sometimes our hearts take over. Do you love him?” It was a question now.

  “Maybe.”

  “And you told the man you love to go be with someone else?”

  “When you say it like that, it sounds pretty stupid.”

  “I don’t know what happened to you before. I know you’re hauling around a whole bunch of pain and heartache. You need to find a place to dump it so you can move on.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You have to find a way. This guy makes you happy. I can see it. You deserve to be happy.”

  “No, I don’t,” she whispered under her breath as Mia’s phone rang. She held it out so Alyssa could see the caller before she answered.

  “Hi, Kenley. Why are you calling so early in the morning?” Mia’s face broke into a smile and she nodded. Alyssa pulled out her phone to see that it was still on vibrate, and that she’d missed call and a text message:

  The baby is here.

  When the picture of the prune-faced angel wearing a tiny blue beanie came through, her heart twisted with loneliness. She had no idea she still wanted this.

  She thought she’d pushed all those hopes and dreams far enough away that they would never see the light of day again. But she wanted things. Normal things.

  Too bad she didn’t deserve to have them.

  * * * *

  Grayson stood outside the prison with his hand tapping his leg nervously. Even the building looked menacing. Maybe that was on purpose. Maybe it was supposed to make people want to walk the straight and narrow so they wouldn’t end up having to live in a place that looked so unappealing.

  To make things worse, the sky was a dark gray with unsettling clouds moving in. He could smell rain in the air. A storm. How appropriate.

  He walked inside, making sure to read every bold-lettered sign thoroughly so he didn’t accidentally do something that would keep him from leaving when his visit was over.

  I can’t believe I’m doing this, he said to himself as he waited in line behind a bunch of scary-looking younger women and older women with defeat in their eyes.

  He filled out the proper paperwork, and signed the consent form before he sat on the orange vinyl loveseat in the waiting area. One by one, people came and went until finally his name was called.

  Chapter 23

  Gray’s feet pulled him quickly toward the exit of the prison. He couldn’t wait to be out of there. He was nearly hyperventilating by the time he got outside. He sucked in the damp air. The puddles in the parking lot rippled slightly as he walked to the rental car. He tilted his head to the last of the rain, letting the drops cleanse him.

  The anxiety remained as he drove to the train station. What had he been thinking?

  When the guard had called his name, he stood to follow him to the visiting room, but he couldn’t go through with it. It wasn’t fear that kept him from walking up to Donnie and begging him to help Alyssa. It was the knowledge that if Gray had any chance of a future with her, they were going to have to find the path together, and Donnie had no part in that.

  Gray might not know how to help her yet, but he’d known the answer wasn’t inside a prison.

  Due to an earlier storm, there was a maintenance problem with the track, so the train stopped two stations out of Syracuse for what they said would be a few hours. He might have driven the four hours back in a rental car if he wasn’t already so exhausted. He might have switched to a bus, but he found he wasn’t in a hurry to get back.

  He didn’t want to go home until he’d come up with a plan.

  From the beginning, they’d agreed to be honest. No bullshit. No games. But he was keeping the truth from her now. He loved her, but he couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t set himself up to be turned down again. And Alyssa wouldn’t just turn him down. She’d be out of his life as quickly as she could pack her things.

  As he sat at the bar near the train station, he glanced up to see a dark-haired woman smiling at him. He smiled back. Not in a way that would make him look interested, but unfortunately she interpreted interest anyway.

  She came to sit next to him with a smile on her face.

  “You look lonely over here all by yourself,” she said.

  He was lonely, but nothing this woman had to offer would fix that.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Gray said.

  “Okay.” The woman looked uncertain, but the smile didn’t leave her face.

  “What is worse? Facing the very slim chance you could have your heart broken, or being alone for the rest of your life?”

  The woman’s brow creased at the question, but she seemed to be thinking of an answer.

  “I’m going to guess you mean someone other than me.”

  “Yes.”

  “I’d have to say being alone. It sucks. Loneliness makes us do stupid things.” She frowned at the drink in her hands.

  “Right. That’s what I was thinking too.”

  “Your girl doesn’t agree?”

  “My girl doesn’t want to be my girl because she got blindsided by someone else.”

  “And you’re so sure you won’t ever mess up and hurt her the same way? Can you guarantee you won’t?” the woman challenged.

  “I guess not. I know she’s the only woman I’ve ever wanted like this. No one knows what happens next. Shouldn’t it be about now?”

  “We’re both here now.” Was she still trying?

  “I’m in love with her. I’m not going to do anything to mess it up.”

  “Then maybe she’s missing out.”

  The woman moved on and Gray pulled out his phone to call Alyssa. He wasn’t just late any more. He probably wouldn’t be there until after eleven at this rate. He paused. What would he say? That he’d come to Syracuse to visit Donnie of all people? No. She would not appreciate that.

  He sent a vague text and ordered another beer, silently hoping the train would never be able to leave.

  * * * *

  Alyssa lost track of time waiting for Grayson, and had fallen asleep while reading a book. She woke up around midnight with the book on her chest and her light on. She went across the hall to find his bed empty.

  She checked her phone, there was a text:

  Something came up. I’ll see you tomorrow.

  She had no right to be upset or jealous. They were not together. Not in a relationship. That was how she had wanted it for this very reason.

  Trust was not something she could handle.

  She continued to tell herself to let it go over and over as she tried to go back to sleep. It didn’t matter if he was with someone else. That’s what she’d wanted, for him to move on and be happy. What they had wasn’t supposed to be serious.

  It was only an hour later when she heard the key in the door. A few seconds later, her bedroom door opened and she felt his presence as she pretended to be asleep.

  After a soft sigh, her door closed and she heard the shower turn on.

  In the morning, she was up and dressed before she heard anything from his room. Just as she was headin
g out, he shuffled into the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. His hair stuck up and he was only wearing boxers.

  She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around his waist and press her cheek to his back. He would turn in her arms and smile down at her. It was a scene she remembered from a few weeks ago. Before things got so messed up. When it had just been fun.

  “You’re going to be late for work,” she said when she met up with him in the kitchen.

  “Yeah. Sorry I didn’t make it back sooner.”

  “Why would I care if you don’t come home? You’re a grown man and we’re not in a relationship. You can do whatever you want.”

  “Don’t. Just don’t, okay? It’s too early in the morning to deal with how much you don’t want anything with anyone ever. I get it.” He was snappy this morning. Rather than press, she simply nodded and left their apartment.

  He understood her, even though it was clear he didn’t like it. She decided to let it go, but she found herself thinking about him all day. Had he been out with someone he really liked? Would he want this new woman to move in? Would Alyssa have to find a new place to live while he got married to someone who didn’t know him as well as she did?

  Stop it, she said to herself. She needed to get it together. She could not be jealous. Only people who cared got jealous.

  That night, Gray worked late and said little when he finally got home.

  “Did you eat?” she asked.

  “Yeah. Sorry, I should have let you know.” There was something in his voice she didn’t like. Pity?

  “It’s fine. Why would I care if you ate?” she asked, causing him to look at her strangely.

  “Is everything okay with you?”

  “I’ll be fine. I’m just distracted with work. I’m going to go to bed early.”

  Grayson went to his own room. Alyssa heard the murmur of a quiet conversation as she passed his door. He didn’t come over to say good night. Not that she expected him to.

  She tossed and turned for a few hours before she finally fell into a restless sleep where men in dark hoodies chased her. It went on like that the rest of the week.

  Gray was gone when she woke on Friday.