It's Not My Island

by Charlie Dillard

  She groans and continues to move up and down on me. That sent a chill through me, causing me to open my eyes. I was looking directly at the doorway, and I swear I saw a shadow in the doorway of the study. But no one was there, then my eyes travel down to Marissa. To my surprise it wasn’t Marissa that was pleasuring me, it was Evelyn.

  “What the fuck fuck are you doing, Evelyn,” I say jumping up and shaking her off of me.

  She was sitting on the sofa with a little grin on her face.

  “I came to tell you that I was sorry about what happened between us.”

  I wanted to cuss her out but I had to get her out of here. I can’t risk Marissa seeing her. If she did she would think that I wanted Evelyn, which was so far from the truth.

  “How did you get in here,” I ask?

  “Your housekeeper let me in,” she replied.

  I should tear out of here and give Mrs. Nancy a piece of my mind about letting her in here, but she doesn’t know that I’m not friends with Evelyn anymore. So I won’t say anything to her, but I will get Evelyn out of here and right now.

  “Evelyn, you coming here and doing what you did was disrespectful to Marissa and I’s relationship and you know it.”

  “You didn’t seem to mind when I had you in my mouth,” she said still grinning.

  Now I was mad as hell, and couldn’t keep myself from shouting.

  “I thought you were Marissa, you lying bitch. Now if you don’t get up and get your filthy ass out of this house right now, I’m going to make sure that everyone in Boston knows what a whore you are,” I bellow.

  She jumps and scurries to get herself together and runs out the door of the study, bumping into my mom on the way.

  My mom shakes her head as and continues walking into the study.

  “Carrick, what is going on? I heard shouting and came running,” She says with a curious look on her face?

  “Nothing, mom. Is Marissa awake,” I ask?

  “I left her room for a moment to use the restroom, but she was sleep when I left.”

  “Mom, you said you would stay with her,” I say rushing past her and to Marissa’s room.

  I know I shouldn’t have been so abrupt with my mom, and I will apologize to her later, but I can’t have anything happen to Marissa for anyone.

  When I rushed into the room, Marissa wasn’t in the bed anymore.

  “Marissa,” I call out, as I looked through the room and the adjoining bathroom.

  Nothing.

  Now, I am beginning to get scared.

  “Marissa, Honey,” I call out again, knowing that she isn’t in the room because I already checked it.

  “Carrick, how is she,” My mom says walking into the room.

  “She’s gone,” I choke.

  “Gone,” my mom says in astonishment.

  “Yes,” is all I could say as I collapsed into her bed. When my head met with her pillow something crackled underneath it. I am upright in a second and am searching for what caused the sound. I immediately see a piece of white paper on her pillow. When I opened it and read it my heart fell to the floor.

  “No,” I gasp.

  Mom was instantly at my side asking me what was wrong. I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t, I simply hand her the paper and fall back onto the bed and close my eyes.

  Chapter 16 (Marissa)

  I can’t believe it. I can’t fathom why Carrick would tell me that he loved me only to cheat with Evelyn on the very same day.

  I woke up earlier and was somewhat alarmed when I noticed that I was a lone. So I went searching through the house and when I came upon the study I was shocked and rocked back onto my heels at what I saw. I saw Carrick sitting on the sofa with his head back on the sofa and his hand was on a woman’s head. The woman was in his lap and she was pleasuring him, and he liked it. I heard him moan as the woman’s mouth moved up and down on his penis. He brought his hand to the back of her head. I couldn’t watch anymore. I quickly turned around and head back to my room. I wanted to collapse into the bed and cry my eyes out, but I couldn’t. I had to get out of here. There is no way that I can stay here another day knowing that Carrick still has sex with her. So I quickly wrote Carrick a note, left it on my pillow, and ran out the room never looking back. Mr. MacMurry was sitting outside on a chair smoking a cigarette. His eyes came up to me as I burst through the front door.

  “Ms. Marissa, is everything ok,” he asks, quickly righting himself out of the chair.

  “Oh yes, Mr. MacMurry I’m fine. I am just on my way back to my apartment in Southie,” I say walking down the steps.

  I can hear him coming up behind me as I walk down the driveway. “Ms. Marissa, how will you get there,” he asks?

  “I’ll walk to a gas station and call a cab,” I say as I continue down the driveway.

  When I was at the end of the driveway Mr. MacMurry calls out to me.

  “Ms. Marissa, you can’t walk in your condition. Its about a mile and a half away.” I glance back at him and see he looks concerned.

  “I have to. I have to get out of here now,” I say.

  He is now at my side when he replies.

  “It can’t be that bad.”

  “Yes, it is. Now please if you will excuse me I have to get going,” I say and start walking.

  I hear him let out a loud sigh as I walk as fast as my legs could carry me. I want to be out of here before Carrick or anyone else finds out.

  I was about two blocks away when Mr. MacMurry pulls up beside me and says, “Ms. Marissa get in. I’ll drive you to your apartment.”

  “I can’t have you do that. I don’t want you to get in trouble with Carrick. You work for him,” I say shaking my head.

  Although my feet are already hurting I couldn’t ask him to take sides and take me home.

  “I’ll worry about that later. I can’t in good conscience let you walk,” he says.

  I look at him then down the block where I was walking, then back at him.

  “Ok,” I say then climb into the back of the car.

  The first few minutes he didn’t say anything. He just drove in silence as I wept in the backseat; and boy did I cry. I cried for the life I knew that I would never have with Carrick. I cried for all of the love that I have for Carrick. I cried for all the hurt that I’ve been through because of it. I do want Carrick to be in the babies life, but I can’t be with Carrick. I can’t go through the hurt again I felt when I saw him and Evelyn together. He don’t love me, and now after seeing what I saw, I don’t think he ever loved me. He was just using me to get what he wanted. Sex.

  “Ms. Marissa, whatever happened may have been bad, but know that Carrick loves you,” Mr. MacMurry says looking at me through the rearview mirror.

  “No he doesn’t. I saw him and Evelyn in the study, and she was.. she was,” I start to say but I couldn’t finish.

  I could seem to get out of my mouth that Evelyn was giving Carrick a blowjob.

  “Ms. Marissa, let me call Carrick I’m sure he can shed some light on this.”

  “No, I want to go home. If you don’t feel comfortable driving me, please pull over and I will walk the rest of the way,” I say with my hand on the door handle.

  He didn’t answer me. He just nods and continues driving. The motion of the car quickly lulled me to sleep as we made our way to Southie.

  “Ms. Marissa, we’re here,” Mr. MacMurry says waking me up for my nap.

  “Oh thank you,” I say and climb out of the car.

  When I step out I see Mrs. Sarah standing at my apartment stoop with her arms open. I blindly walk right into them and begin crying.

  “Oh, Honey, its ok,” she says rubbing my hair, trying to sooth me.

  “Oh Mrs. Sarah, I saw him and Evelyn together,” I say.

  She shushes me and rocks me in her arms, then quietly leads me up to my apartment. When she opens the door and we walk into the apartment Carrick is in there sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands. He looks up at us when he hears us come i
nto the apartment.

  “Marissa, please let me explain. It’s not what you think,” he says coming towards me.

  I cringe into his mom away from his touch.

  “It doesn’t matter. I can’t do it anymore. You have hurt me in more ways than I could ever say. I will never forgive you,” I say.

  “But Marissa please I love you,” he pleads.

  If I didn’t know any better I’d think that he really meant what he said. But he doesn’t. He has been with Evelyn numerous times since we been together.

  “I don’t believe you. There is nothing you can say that will make me believe you.”

  “What about the babies? I want to be here to help you,” he explains.

  I look at him and roll my eyes. He really is laying everything out there isn’t he. Well its not going to work.

  “Look, you can be here for the babies. They will need you and your family in their lives. But as for you and I, there will never be anything else between us but them. I am grateful to you for giving me these babies, but I will not put myself in the situation again to be hurt by you. No matter how much I still love you,” I say rubbing my stomach.

  “You still love me,” Carrick asks?

  I’m not answering that, so I turn around and walk to my room. Shutting it behind me, then sliding down the wall plopping on the ground. My head drop down into my hands and I cry. I cry so hard that I start to heaving. I get up off of the floor and open the door to go out to the kitchen to get some water. When I open the door, I can hear Carrick and his mom talking.

  “Carrick, you have to fix this,” his mom says.

  “Mom, I’m trying,” Carrick says.

  His mom yells at him and says, “Not hard enough. Now I talked to Evelyn myself and she told me that when she came into the study you were passed out, and that she started um.. she started putting her mouth on you while you were sleep. That when you woke you thought she was Marissa,” she says.

  “Mom, how do I fix this. How do I make Marissa believe me. I need for her to know that I never wanted Evelyn to do that. Mom, I love her so much it hurts. If I loose her I’d die,” Carrick cries.

  Then I hear shuffling feet and Carrick sobbing. My heart jerked in my chest. He really did think she was me. I want to run out there and hold him in my arms and tell him everything will be ok, that I do love him. Just as I move to do that a picture of Evelyn’s lips on him stills me, and I quietly cry. Oh Carrick why did you have to hurt me like you did.

  Shaking myself off, I walk into the kitchen and act like I didn’t just overhear everything that just went on between Carrick and his Mother.

  “Oh hi Marissa darling, how are you feeling,” his Mom asks as I pour myself a glass of water.

  After taking a quick gulp I turn to her and say, “Oh I’m just having a little nausea That’s all.”

  I hope my emotions don’t show on my face, because I’m falling apart inside. I so want to be in Carrick’s arms right now.

  His mom rushing over to my side and says, “Is there anything that we can do to help?”

  I glance over at Carrick and then back at his mom. I want to say yes, please can you take all this pain away.

  “Um, no. I think I’ll just go lay down. I just not in the best of moods. But thank you Mrs. Sarah for everything,” I say, hug her, then walk back to my room.

  I fight with myself not to look over at Carrick as I do. I do see Carrick out the corner of my eye and he is looking at me. He looks so sad. I have to keep myself from running to him.

  After I’m in my room I lay down on the bed and hope that I fall asleep soon, and forget this whole crazy day.

  Chapter 17 (Marissa)

  I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Its been about two and a half months since that night I caught Evelyn all over Carrick. I did hear him and his mom talking about how Evelyn took advantage of the fact that he was passed out, and I now do believe him that he didn’t want her. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I forgave him.

  Him and his mom has been there for me every step of the way. They have both taken me to the doctor’s for all of my check ups; and taken me anywhere I needed to go. It really has been a blessing. The only thing is Carrick hasn’t tried to get with me again after that day. I wasn’t exactly open to it. I did try and stay as far away from him as I could in the beginning, but recently I’ve found myself inching closer and closer to him anytime we were in the same room. I don’t know if he noticed it because he never said a word about it. He has just continued to be there for anything that I needed. I haven’t really asked him for anything except maybe a ride to see Dr. O’Bryan whenever I needed to go. If I ever needed anything for the babies, I just bought it myself. I used the money I had saved up to get anything that I needed for them and stuffed the things in the room I had step up for them. There were three cribs side by side. There was just enough room between them for someone to get in between them if they needed to. The room also had one changing table and a massive cabinet type thing; that I used to put all the different baby clothes, bibs, diapers and wipes. Plus anything else that I came across that I thought they needed. I think I either need another cabinet or I’m going over board, because I’m starting to have to stack things against the wall next to the garbage can. I don’t know really I just want to be prepared for anything. I don’t really have a lot of experience in that area.

  There have been a few times that Carrick’s Mom, Mrs. Sarah, has told me that I could come and live at the house with them so that I would always have help if I needed it. I always said no politely. Even his father Mr. Callahan has mentioned to me how nice it would be to have his first grandkids in the house with him so he could shower them with love anytime during the day he wanted. I told him no too, as much as wanted to scream yes. Truthfully I think I was secretly waiting for Carrick to ask. I mean I don’t know how I would have reacted. I think I would have said yeah. I do still love him with all that I am. I just want to know that he still wants me near him, that he still wants to love me all the days of my life. But he never did. He just stayed by my side; was there whenever I needed him.

  “Miss. Johnson, its that time,” Dr. O’Bryan says.

  “Really,” I say and continue on with, “I mean I’m only 7 1/2 months. Will they babies be healthy.”

  “You don’t have to worry. I know that you are only 7 1/2 months. But we have been giving you the medicine to strengthen the babies lungs to make it safe for delivery. They all look health enough for delivery.”

  “Healthy enough,” I barely managed to say in response to his previous statement.

  He could see my obvious unease. He dropped his tone a few notches and squatted down in front of me, grabbing my hand.

  “Marissa, I know this all is a bit scary. Just know that we will have the best people in there when we are delivering the babies. If there is anything that isn’t on the up, the best people will already be there ready to help,” he says.

  I know he’s right, but I’m still nervous. I wish Carrick was in here with me. I really need him right now. He probably would be if it wasn’t for me being so stubborn. Anytime I have an appointment that isn’t an ultrasound I have him and his mom wait for me in the waiting room.

  “Is Carrick and Mrs. Callahan waiting out there for you,” he asks motioning towards the waiting room.

  I nod yes and he gets up and walks out the room, presumably to get the both of them. I sit on my hands as I wait for them to come in the room, because I don’t want Carrick to see my hands shake. I’m nervous about having the babies and them being born safely; also I’m nervous as ever about being close to him, and not in a bad way. I really want to be in his arms.

  “Oh Marissa, the doctor told us what is going on,” Mrs. Sarah says coming to my side, drawing me up into her arms hugging me.

  It was nice, but I wish that I was in Carrick’s arms right now. I chance a peek up at him and he is looking down at the both of us with an amazing smile on his face. He catches my gaze and
smiles at me. It sends chills down my spine.

  “We are going to have to get things going,” Dr. O’Bryan says.

  My head snaps around to him.

  “Now,” I ask?

  “Yes,” he replies.

  “But I don’t have my bag with me; and I don’t have anything ready for the babies homecoming,” I say as more nervousness creeps up in my body.

  How the hell am I going to do this alone? Oh, I was such a fool to think I could. I know it would be hard to take care of them when they first come home, by myself; but it would probably be even harder when they are older. I don’t know how I’d divide my time between them and having to go back to work. I want for someone who loves them to be with them if I ever have to be away from them, not just some babysitter or workers at a daycare.

  “I’ll take care of everything,” Carrick volunteers.

  My heart swells even more. Even though I didn’t think it was possible. I nod my head in agreement and we are lead off into the operation prep area. Everything else after that happened very fast. Before I knew it I was laying down on gurney in one of those lovely hospital gowns, with a massive I.V. sticking out of my arm, and a epidural in my back; while I was waiting to be wheeled into the O.R.

  “Marissa, its time,” Dr. O’Bryan says with a reassuring smile on his face.

  I look over at Carrick and he squeezes my hand.

  “I’ll be right here with you the whole time,” he says.

  “Thank you,” is all I could manage to say as I was wheeled back into the O.R. with Carrick in tow.

  ~~~~~~

  “Marissa, Marissa baby, wake up,” I hear someone say as they gently touch my shoulder.

  After blinking my eyes open, I peek through a small slit and see Carrick standing there with a big grin on his face.

  “What happened,” I croak.

  He could see my discomfort and offered me water. After a sip of cold water, I just laid there looking at him waiting for him to answer my question. I want to know what is going on. The last thing I remember is the doctor telling me that he was making the first cut, and Carrick giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. The next thing I know I hear Carrick telling me to wake up. What happened? What happened with the babies?