Blue Saturn

by Jay, Libby

I continue making a mental check list of what I need. I go into Mikey’s room and grab his blanket and with that, my list is complete. I’m ready to go.

  At five minutes to four, I slip my shoes on and grab a jacket in case it’s cold when we leave. Mikey is ready to go, he’s playing with his cars. Mike comes out from his room.

  “Let’s roll,” he says. He’s wearing glasses, black rectangular framed glasses.

  “You’re wearing glasses,” I say.

  “Oh yeah.” He quickly pulls them off. His cheeks flush a light pink. “I need them for reading and writing, you know, for anything up close.” He folds the glasses up in his hands before heading back into his room. He’s embarrassed that he has to wear glasses. Or that he got caught wearing them.

  I look down at Mikey and then it hits me. “Mike,” I call out.

  “Yeah?” he answers as he comes out from his bedroom.

  “Mikey needs glasses.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “He squints when he’s writing. I thought it was his way of concentrating. But now...I think he might need glasses too.”

  “Oh,” Mike looks down at Mikey. “I’ll take him for an eye test. It’ll have to wait until we get back from New Zealand.”

  “I can take him,” I offer.

  “No. No I should go with him.” Mike scratches his neck and looks down at the bags I have packed. “What’s all this crap?”

  “Stuff for Mikey. I need it.”

  “No you don’t,” Mike says shaking his head. “I told you. I’ve taken care of everything.”

  I look up at him and frown.

  “Do you trust me?”

  He’s asking me if I trust him. Is he serious?

  “All you need to bring is yourself. You won’t need that jacket either.”

  “It might be cool later.”

  “You won’t be going outside.” Mike slips the jacket off my shoulders and down my arms. He takes the jacket and throws it onto the couch before picking up Mikey. “Do you wanna bring a car?”

  Mikey nods. “The red one.”

  “The Ferrari. Nice choice.” He walks to the door. “Come on Lynd’s.”

  I look down to the bags I’m leaving behind.

  “Lyndsay!” Mikes yells, causing Mikey and I both to jump.

  “I’m coming,” I say quietly and follow Mike out the door.

  It never occurred to me that the boys would get chauffeur driven to their concerts, but they do. A black van is waiting for us outside the hotel. There are a few people standing around taking photos as we climb into the vehicle, but nothing too chaotic. Wayne seems to have everything under control.

  I’m surprised to see that a car seat is set up in the back seat of the van. Mike thought of that at least. I buckle Mikey in and sit next to him and watch as Paul, Gavin and Steve take their seats. Mike sits directly in front of Mikey and turns to smile at us both.

  “So how is Blue Saturn’s biggest fan feeling about having four hunky men take her virginity in a few hours?”

  “Oh, really Mike?” I screw up my nose. “That’s inappropriate.”

  “What’s virnigity?” Mikey asks.

  Mike laughs. “Virginity is what you have when you’ve never done a certain thing before.” Mike winks at me. “You see, Lyndsay has never seen Mike at work, so tonight she’ll lose her Mike virginity and her Gav virginity and her Steve...”

  “Mike!” I bark.

  The car erupts into laughter. Mikey laughs too, although I’m certain he has no idea what he’s laughing at. And despite myself I laugh too.

  “I promise you this Lynd’s. You’ll never forget this night.”

  I raise my eyes to meet his and he is looking straight back at me. Intensely piercing eyes, sharp and full of life. My smile slowly fades as I struggle to look away.

  Mike smiles at me and turns back to face the front. I close my eyes and slowly let go of my breath.

  Liane is waiting for us when we stop in the underground car park. She greets Paul, Gavin and Steve as they exit the van. They grunt their replies.

  “Don’t worry about me boys. I’m the one working my arse off day and night to keep you employed,” she calls out after them as they head toward the elevators.

  “Hey Liane.” Mike gives her cheek a quick kiss. “I appreciate you.”

  She gives his cheek a light pat and turns her attention to me. “And here are Lyndsay and Mikey. Follow me Lyndsay. Everything’s set up for you.”

  I look up at Mike.

  “I told you. I took care of everything.”

  “And by take care he means he sent me an email asking me to spend my afternoon setting up a crèche in his room.” Liane smiles. “You need to get yourself a PA.”

  “Isn’t that what you are?” Mike asks in jest.

  “Careful Mike.” She pats his cheek again only this time it’s a little harder.

  Gavin told me that Liane and Mike had a very brief fling over a year ago. Liane is seventeen years older than Mike but that didn’t stop her from throwing herself all over him. Mike lapped up the attention; Liane is very attractive for a forty-five year old woman, but in the end Liane didn’t like that Mike was looking at and sleeping with girls a lot younger than her, and him. Liane called it off, saying she thought it was better that they keep their relationship strictly professional.

  Liane wasn’t joking. The room which I assume is normally Mike’s backstage room has been converted into a play room. There are balls and trucks and a table with paper and pencils and jigsaws and books. And in the corner a small bed has been made up with a pirate doona cover and pillow.

  “The bathroom is through here,” Liane says as she points to a door. “And the fridge is stocked with food and drink.”

  “Thank you,” I say. Mikey pulls free from my grip and heads straight to the trucks.

  Liane smiles at me. “Now I have real work to do.” She pulls her phone from her pocket as she leaves the room.

  Mike is standing just inside the room. “Did I think of everything?”

  “You did. This is great.”

  “What I was thinking is, we don’t go on ‘til nine so you can settle Mike down to sleep and then watch the show from backstage. Or out front, whichever you’d prefer.”

  “I can’t leave Mike here alone.”

  “I’ve got it covered.” From his pocket he pulls a plastic card attached to a long red strap. “This is yours.” He steps forward and pulls it on over my head. “It’ll give you access to anywhere in the venue. Only you, Wayne and I have access to this room. Wayne will stay with Mike while you watch the show.”

  “But don’t you need Wayne...”

  “Nah, the venue has its own security. I’m covered.”

  “What about the rest of the band?” I ask.

  “Who?” Mike asks and then laughs. “Don’t worry about a thing. Just focus on having a good time.” He smiles. “I have to go. We’re meeting with some radio competition winners for a game of basketball. I don’t know who approves these things...” he sighs. “I hate basketball.” He turns and walks out of the room.

  Mikey and I sit centre front as we watch Blue Saturn go through their sound check. Mikey claps and cheers and never once removes his ‘Batman’ earmuffs.

  After the sound check, we sit in a large common room and eat pizza for dinner. The four members of the support band have showed up and, along with the Blue Saturn boys, are currently engaged in a meet and greet with a few winners from a magazine contest. There were fifteen girls and five boys in the group and among the fifteen women, probably only enough clothing to decently cover seven of them. They’re pressing themselves up against anyone who looks even remotely like a musician and in my opinion, there is far too much hair flicking going on. A photographer is there taking photos for the magazine and there are an awful lot of “selfies” being taken on phones.

  No one seems to notice Mikey and I tucked away in the corner, all except for Mike who looks our way every so often and smiles.
r />   The meet and greet winners are being led out by venue security. Mike and Gavin are talking quietly at the other end of the room. Mikey finishes up his slice of pizza and stands up and runs to Mike. Mikey says something that makes both Mike and Gavin laugh. Then Mike hands Mikey to Gavin and Mike walks toward me.

  “Come with me,” he says quietly.

  I follow him through a series of corridors before we finally reach a small staircase. I follow him up and onto the stage. I look out at the empty stadium and even though it’s vacant, I freeze. It’s overwhelming, a huge empty expanse, which in a few hours time is going to be full of screaming fanatics.

  I hear Mike laugh. “What’s wrong?”

  I tentatively step out to the middle of the stage. “How do you do it?”

  “Do what?”

  “Stand in front of all these people and sing?”

  Mike looks out at the empty stadium. “What people? Are you okay, Lyndsay?”

  I shake my head. “Obviously there’s no one here now, but...how do you do it?”

  Mike shrugs. “I dunno. I don’t think about it. I just come up here and sing.”

  I look out to the very back wall of the stadium. “Hello!!” I yell at the top of my voice and listen as the echo bounces around the room before slowly fading out. “Hello, hello, hello!!” I yell out again. I laugh and look up at Mike.

  He’s smiling at me. Mike clears his voice before looking ahead. “The room is dark...” he sings out. His voice is strong and perfectly in tune. “Well come on, you gotta sing the next line.”

  I shake my head. “I’m not singing in front of you.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I can’t sing.”

  “I don’t care if you can’t sing and neither does your audience.” Mike looks straight ahead again. “The room is dark...” he sings again. He looks at me from the corner of his eye. “Don’t tell me you don’t know the words. You’re our number one fan.” He laughs and sings again. “The room is dark...”

  I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “But I know you’re beside me.”

  “Louder,” he says.

  “But I know you’re beside me.”

  “Louder Lyndsay. The people at the back can’t hear you.” He repeats the first line again.

  I breathe in a deep breath and mustering every bit of courage I have, I sing. “But I know you’re beside me.”

  “I feel your breath on my shoulder...”

  “I smell your sweat on my skin.”

  “Your taste is still on my lips...”

  “I can hear you whisper my name.”

  “With you I can see into forever.”

  “When did this feeling begin?”

  We both stand silent and I know Mike is hearing the guitar come in as I am. I wait for Mike to sing the chorus but he doesn’t. Instead he turns and looks at me.

  “In darkness you will always be here. In light, always by my side. In my dreams I will always have you. I will feel you. I will feel you.”

  He doesn’t sing the words, he speaks them. He looks right into my eyes and speaks to me.

  I’m at a loss as to what to say or do. Should I thank him? Should I start singing the next verse? I should smile, but I can’t. I’m staring up into his beautiful eyes and I have no idea what to do. My heart is racing and my mouth is dry and my legs are beginning to shake. I should go. I should walk away from him. But I can’t.

  I cannot move.

  I am completely mesmerised by him.

  If I wasn’t so terrified by my own reaction to him I’d kiss him. I don’t have a lot of experience with men but the way Mike’s looking at me now, I’m pretty sure he wants me to kiss him. But as always my fear wins and I look away.

  I hear him let go of a breath. “You were right,” he says. “You really can’t sing.”

  “Thanks,” I say.

  “Mike.” A man appears at the front of the stage wearing a suit. “You know the rules.”

  “Yeah, I know.” He takes my hand. “We were just leaving.”

  In all the hustle and bustle, I don’t see Mike again backstage. I settle Mikey to sleep while Mike and the Blue Saturn boys do all their last minute things. Minutes before they go on stage, Liane comes into the room and calls for me. I leave Mikey in Wayne’s capable hands and follow Liane to the side of the stage.

  I’m given a plastic chair to sit on and I take a chance to peek out at the crowd. The atmosphere is electric. The stage is dark but the house lights are still on. Noise from behind me gets my attention. The boys are slapping each other’s backs and grunting and generally psyching each other up. The lights in the arena go off and Steve runs out onto stage first, followed by Gavin and then Paul.

  A guitar riff starts. Then the bass joins. Moments later a beat from the drum is heard. They’re opening with their latest single. The crowd are cheering a deafening roar. I feel a flutter of excitement go through me. I stand up in my anticipation and look out to Gavin on the other side of the stage. He sees me looking at him and smiles.

  Then there is a body next to me. I turn my head and Mike is standing beside me. He reaches out and squeezes my hand. “You’ve totally psyched me out. All I can think about is that that stadium is full of people who are waiting for me to stuff up.” He takes a deep breath. “I hope you enjoy the show, Lyndsay.” With that he runs out on stage. The lights come on and the crowd go crazy as Mike grabs hold of the microphone stand and starts singing. And as expected, he sounds perfect.

  The show is full of energy. They’ve been playing for over an hour now, with a bit of clowning around between songs. A few times during the concert, Mike has looked my way and smiled. I smile back, although I’m not sure he can see me.

  I wriggle on the seat, trying to get comfortable. My back feels sore from sitting, or because I’m too tense. I’m too uptight. I am at my very first live concert. I should be out there with the fans, lapping up the atmosphere. I need to be out there with the fans, because I am a fan. I should be dancing and screaming out and...I need to loosen up. I need to have some fun. Surely I’ve earned that.

  I stand up from my chair and head back down the small staircase. I see one of the security guards from earlier and ask if he’ll take me out front. He nods and leads the way. He takes me to the side of the barricaded area directly in front of the stage. He grabs me under the knees and around the back and lifts me over the fence. Then he takes two steps backward and stays there. He motions for me to move forward.

  I turn around and look into the crowd. There are about four rows of people in front of me. But I’m standing on the very edge of the crowd. I want to be in the thick of it. I push toward the centre of the crowd and surprisingly people let me past. When the next song starts, I’m standing at the centre to the stage. I look up and Mike is looking down at me. He points and winks at me. Then he turns around and says something to the boys. Gavin searches the crowd before he sees me and smiles at me too.

  Mike approaches the microphone. “Apparently, this song is good to jump on beds to. So let me see some jumping.” He turns around and says something to Steve and Steve starts the intro to ‘Paradise Street,’ the song Mike caught me jumping on the bed to. I laugh as Mike grabs hold of the microphone in his hand and starts jumping, encouraging the crowd to jump with him. Soon enough, the entire stadium is jumping. And I’m standing still, watching thousands of people move to Mike’s command.

  When I look back to the stage, Mike is looking at me smiling, his eyebrows raised. He should’ve started singing by now, but he’s waiting for something. The intro repeats and he still doesn’t sing.

  He’s waiting for me.

  So I do the only thing I can do under the circumstances. I shrug off my inhibitions and I start to jump. I jump and move with the crowd and soak up the atmosphere. Mike starts to sing, walking toward the far edge of the stage. He looks so natural up there. After the first verse, he walks back to centre stage and as he sings the chorus, he looks down at me and sings through his s
mile. I smile back and keep jumping, living it up and loving every minute of it.

  “Are you having a good time?” Mike yells out to the crowd before he takes a swig of his drink.

  I join the crowd in yelling out our affirmative answer.

  Mike smiles. “This next song goes out to a special girl with a promise, a promise that better times are ahead. This song is for Lyndsay.”

  And he starts singing the song we sang together before the show. It’s a sad song and I don’t know why he’s chosen to dedicate it to me. It’s a song about a boy and a girl who fall in love at first sight, spend one night together, and the next day she dies.

  It certainly doesn’t ring true to our relationship. There was definitely no love between Mike and I when we first met and I doubt there ever could be. But as he sings, I hear a line in the second verse that hits me right in the chest.

  “If you can’t be here for me, will your love for him keep you near?”

  He changed the words. The words are normally sung: ‘If you can’t be here with me, will your love for us keep you near?’

  But he changed them. ‘If you can’t be here for me, will your love for him keep you near?”

  My love for Mikey.

  He wants me to stay. Forever? Or just until they get back from the UK?

  But he...he wants me to stay for him?

  Is that what he’s asking me?

  “If you can’t be here for me...”

  He wants me to stay for him. He’s asking me to...

  He can’t possibly be...

  I can’t possibly...

  I stop moving in the swaying crowd and look up at him as he finishes the song. He hasn’t looked at me and when they start up the next song, he still doesn’t look at me.

  I’m a tidal wave of cluttered emotions and wrongly sung lyrics as I push my way back through the crowd, climb over the barricade and run backstage.

  I open the door to the room where Mikey is sleeping soundly. Wayne stands up when I enter. I’m breathing heavily from my short run.

  “Are you all right, Lyndsay?” Wayne asks.

  “Yes, I’m fine. But I’d like to go back to the hotel if that’s okay?”