Blue Saturn

by Jay, Libby

  I could’ve lost him.

  I know my cries are loud but I’m beyond trying to contain them. I sit down on the cold tiled floor of my balcony, hug my knees to my chest and cry.

  Then I feel him; his arms around me, his breath against my skin as he lifts me into his arms and carries me inside.

  He lowers me down onto his bed. I know it’s his bed because it smells like him, like cigarettes and Mike.

  I’m still curled into a ball when Mike lies down behind me and presses himself against me. He wraps his arms around me, one under my head and the other around my middle.

  “Shhh.” He kisses the top of my head and strokes my hair as I continue to cry unashamed.

  My body is shaking and I can’t take a full breath of air. I have lost all control.

  “Lyndsay, you need to breathe.”

  I am beyond being able to breathe. I am beyond being able to do anything but cry.

  “Lyndsay, can you feel my chest against your back?”

  Mike takes a deep breath in and I feel the pressure against me. I make a sound that resembles a yes and then feel Mike slowly breathe out.

  “I want you to breathe with me Lynd’s. Can you do that? Slowly breathe in and out.” He takes another deep breath in and I feel his chest press against me again. “Breathe with me,” he urges.

  I try. I try to take a deep breath but I can’t. I can feel my head becoming light as I struggle to take a full lung of air.

  Mike holds me tighter and continues to breathe long deep breaths. “I’m here for you, Lyndsay,” he says between breaths. “You’re safe now.”

  I feel his chest against my back again before his lungs empty.

  “You don’t have to be afraid anymore. You’re safe and I’m right here with you.” He kisses my head again before I feel him press against me.

  I try again. I slowly breathe in, but before I can take a full breath, a sob forces the air out of my lungs.

  “That’s it,” he says. “Breathe with me. Feel my chest against your back and breathe with me.”

  He breaths in again and I find myself breathing with him. I take a full breath and hold it for a second before a sob forces the air out of me.

  “Good girl,” Mike whispers. “Breathe again.”

  I do. I take another deep breath. With him breathing in at the same time as me, the pressure against my back increases and it helps to calm me. My body soon stops shaking and although tears still spill from my eyes, the sobs stop. I focus all my attention on Mike’s breathing and after a few long deep breaths, I feel my body beginning to relax.

  I can breathe.

  I keep breathing in time with Mike. Under the covers of his bed, I search for and find his hand. I take it in mine and pull it in to my chest.

  “Mike,” I say. “Please don’t let go of me.”

  Mike kisses the top of my head again. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I wake with a start. My body tenses and I take a sharp intake of air.

  “I’m here Lyndsay,” I hear Mike say quietly. I feel his fingers softly brush hair from my face.

  I slowly open my eyes. I’m lying on my side, facing Mike. He’s looking at me. He’s not smiling. His eyes are moving over my face, taking in all my features. He’s waiting for me to talk.

  “I was dreaming,” I say. “We were back in Auckland and when the earthquake hit, I didn’t get to Mikey on time. The wall fell down on him.” I take a deep breath as tears come to my eyes.

  “It’s just a dream Lyndsay. You did get to him in time. You saved his life. And I’ll be forever indebted to you for that.” He cups my cheek in his hand. “Thank you Lyndsay. Thank you for saving my little boy.” He smiles at me and squeezes my hand. I look down to where our hands are clasped together between us. He’s still holding my hand.

  He didn’t let go.

  The planned day out to Wet ‘N Wild has been postponed. I know for certain it’s because of my outburst last night and Mike doesn’t want to leave me alone all day. But Mike insists it’s because Mikey needs a day to chill out.

  Mikey asks if he can go down to the pool. I encourage Mike to take him. Mike asks me to come with them, but I tell him no, I want to spend a bit of time alone. What I really want to do bathe my back in some sunlight.

  Once the boys have left, I grab my iPod and phone and a few towels and head out to the balcony. I lay a towel down on the lounge, put another one down next to me and lay down topless on my tummy. I set a timer on my phone for fifteen minutes and put in my earphones and listen to some music.

  Mike and I stayed in bed together for an hour before Mikey woke up and came in to join us. I had tried to get up earlier, but Mike didn’t want me to. I didn’t want Mikey to get confused if he saw us in bed together but Mike didn’t seem to care.

  “Better you than some other woman,” he said, smiling.

  We talked about the earthquake. Blue Saturn were just finishing up when it hit. Chaos ensued and the band was whisked safely away. Mike felt bad abandoning his fans, but getting to Mikey was his main priority. No lives were lost inside the concert venue.

  “I was terrified until I heard your voice,” he admitted. “And when I saw Mikey come out of that hotel, I almost cried. Man, I couldn’t hold him tight enough.”

  Then he told me he wants to help put together a charity concert, to help raise money for the victims, for those who lost their homes and possessions. They’ll also reschedule their cancelled concert at the same time.

  “I think that’s a great idea,” I told him.

  When Mikey finally joined us, he and Mike got up to bring me breakfast in bed. We all sat together in Mike’s bed and ate before Mike’s phone started ringing and we figured we better start our day.

  The timer goes off on my phone and as I reach for it, I see a shadow next to me. I look back and Mike is standing in the doorway, looking down at me.

  “What are you doing back?” I ask him, quickly grabbing for the towel and putting it over my back as well as I can without exposing anything I don’t want Mike to see.

  “What are they called?” he asks as he comes toward me.

  “It’s called Vitiligo.”

  Mike shakes his head and kneels down next to me. “No, I meant, have you named them?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your patches. Do they have names?” Mike slowly pulls the towel off my back.

  “Mike, I’d rather you didn’t see them,” I say quietly.

  “Because this big one,” he presses his finger to the centre of my back. “His name is Bruno because he’s the biggest and meanest of all the patches.”

  “Mike, please.” I try to move the towel to cover my back, but Mike pulls it away.

  “And this one here, this one here is Little Bo Peep. And her sheep is here.” I feel his finger press against my shoulder blade.

  “I don’t want you to see my back.” Tears come to my eyes. It has been such a long time since anyone has seen my bare back I feel like I may as well be lying here completely naked while Mike scrutinises every square inch of my body.

  “Lyndsay, I’ve already seen your back and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He continues to trace the shapes on my back. “Have you always had them?”

  “Yes. I was born with two of them, but I got more as I got older. But it seems to be contained to my back and neck.”

  “Will they ever go away?”

  “No,” I answer. “Creams and sunlight will help but they will never go away completely.” My voice wavers as I fight to stop the tears from falling.

  Mike moves so he can see my face. I quickly turn away.

  “Why are you crying?” he asks.

  “Because I don’t want you to see me.”

  “Lyndsay.” He gently grips my chin and turns my head to look at him. He looks into my eyes and smiles a small smile. “I’ve already seen you. I’ve been seeing you since the day I first met you.” He watches a tear fall from my jaw onto his hand. He reaches back for the towel and c
overs my back before he kneels in front of me again. “And I really like what I see.” He puts his hand down on the edge of the lounge and lowers his chin to his hand. “I like you Lyndsay. I really like you.” His voice is a whisper as he speaks to me. “I think about you all the time. I want you, so badly. But I know you’re not ready.”

  I shake my head. “Mike...”

  “Let me finish. I know something bad happened to you when you were young and that’s why you’re so closed off. I hope someday you will be able to trust me enough to tell me. But in the meantime, I just want you...here. Just here with me.” He runs his hand through my hair. “You’re so beautiful.

  “Mike,” I whisper. “If I was to tell you what I did, you’d never want to see me again.”

  Mike slowly shakes his head. “That’s not true. Nothing you tell me could ever make me not want to see you.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “I do know that.”

  We stay completely still as we look at each other. I’ve never been told before that I’m beautiful. I’ve never had anyone say they want me. I’ve never really had anyone and now a handsome talented man is saying all those things to me and my fear will once again beat down what my heart really wants and come off victorious.

  “You don’t have to make a decision right now. And there is no pressure. I just wanted you to know how I feel.” He kisses my forehead softly and then smiles. “I came back to tell you that we have the pool to ourselves, if you want to come for a swim.” He stands up next to me.

  I slowly sit up, pulling the towel around my front and look up at him. “I’ll meet you down there.”

  Mike pulls me into a hug and whispers, “I’ll wait for you.”

  And I know his words have two very different meanings.

  16.

  The boys are heading out to Wet ‘N Wild for the day. Mike is still a bit reluctant to leave me alone all day but I assure him I’ll be fine. I slept very soundly last night. There was no crying or nightmares. Mike offered his bed to me again, but I passed. I don’t want to give him any false hope. Not that his hope is false. I want to be with Mike too, but not now. Not yet. Not while there is still that niggling voice in my head that tells me I will never be enough for him. Not while my fear still dictates my every decision.

  I help pack up a bag for Mikey and see the boys off. On my way back upstairs, I stop in at the salon and not surprisingly, they fit me in for a haircut, manicure and pedicure.

  I pass on the offer for a massage.

  I take a nap after a late lunch and I’ve not long made myself a cup of tea when there is a knock at the apartment door.

  “Miss Griffin, a parcel has arrived for you.” A gentleman hands me a large envelope.

  “Thank you,” I say and close the door.

  I sit down on the couch and open the envelope.

  When I see the first photo, bile rises into my throat. Then a sick heavy feeling settles in my stomach.

  These photos were supposed to be destroyed. This chapter of my life was supposed to be closed. I was never supposed to hear from him again.

  Tears come to my eyes as I look down at the photos. The same photos he showed me before he took my inheritance from me.

  Photo’s of Kyle and I having sex. Photo’s of Kyle and I doing the most disgusting and vile things to each other.

  But there are more recent photos too. Photo’s of Mike and I in Auckland eating dinner and dancing together at the club. Photos of Mike holding my hand as we leave the hospital. Photos of Gavin holding me in an embrace. Photos of Mikey and I holding hands as we wait to get into a car.

  He was watching me.

  Enclosed amongst the photos is a white sheet of paper with a phone number written on it. At the bottom there is bank account information.

  I know there is no point putting off the inevitable. I call the number.

  “Hello Lyndsay.” His voice is smooth and it makes a cold shiver go through my body.

  “What do you want, Garry?”

  He laughs. “I’m doing splendidly. Thank you for asking.”

  “Tell me what you want.”

  “The same as last time.”

  “You know the money is all gone. You took it from me. I have nothing.”

  “Perhaps. But you seem to have some very well to do friends. I saw you in Auckland recently. Those rock stars seem to be very fond of you.”

  “I work for them.”

  “I’m sure they wouldn’t want their good name tainted by the past actions of the lead singers’ nanny. Would you agree?”

  I absolutely agree. But there is no way I am dragging Mike through my mess. “What do you want?” I ask again.

  “I want one million dollars deposited into the bank account.”

  “I’m not asking them for a million dollars,” I say.

  “I expect the money to be transferred into the account by Friday. Otherwise my good friend at News Weekly will be receiving the same package as you.” The line goes dead.

  I’m left with no choice. I have to leave. And I need to go now before the boys get back. I can’t tell him why I’m leaving. It’s for the best that I disappear. And it absolutely breaks my heart to have to do it.

  I put the photos back into the envelope and stand up. When I turn around, Mike is standing behind me. Mikey is asleep in his arms. I look at him and try to gauge if he heard any of my phone conversation.

  “I’m going to put Mikey to bed and then you’re going to tell me why you need a million dollars.”

  I watch him walk toward the bedrooms. I cannot have this conversation with him. I don’t want him to look at me with filth and disgust. I drop the envelope onto the floor and head toward my room.

  I begin to pack a few clothes before I realise that I don’t own any of them. Mike bought them for me. Tears come to my eyes. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want Mikey to wake up and find that I’m gone. I promised him I’d never leave him. It breaks my heart to think that I’m going to make Mikey cry.

  “What are you doing?” Mike asks as he enters my room.

  “I’m leaving.”

  “Why?”

  I look up and he’s holding the photos in his hand. “Surely you don’t want me anywhere near your son.”

  He looks down at the photos. “When were these pictures taken?”

  “A long time ago?”

  “How long ago?”

  “Nine years ago. I was sixteen years old.”

  “Who is the guy in the photos?”

  “Kyle, my step brother.”

  “Who took the photos?”

  “My step father.”

  Mike sits on the end of the bed and looks at the pictures again. I know he’s seeing my naked sixteen year old body performing revolting and disgusting sexual acts with my step brother.

  But what he can’t see is that while it’s my body, my mind wasn’t there.

  “Did you consent to do this?” Mike asks.

  I shake my head. “No.” My face crumbles and a flood of tears burst forth. “He made me...he made us...”

  Mike moves toward me and wraps his arms around me. He holds me until I stop crying. Then he moves back just far enough that he can look me in the eyes. “I want you to tell me what happened. Tell me about these photos. Tell me about that phone call.”

  This is it. This is the day, the hour in which I am going to lose him. Can you lose something you never really had? He is never again going to tell me that he wants me or that he thinks about me all the time.

  This is the minute in which I am going to stop feeling him.

  “It started not long after my mum died. I don’t know what he used, but...one night he gave Kyle and I some wine with our dinner. But there must’ve been something else because, we lost control. After we’d eaten, Kyle took me into his bedroom and we...” I close my eyes as the mental image comes back into my mind. “We were like animals. We were out of control.” I stop to take a few breaths. “I was consc
ious and aware of what we were doing, but it didn’t seem wrong. I lost all inhibitions with him and...even when Garry came into the room to watch us, it didn’t...we didn’t stop.

  “I didn’t know he was taking photos of us. I thought he was just watching. Sometimes he told us what to do, other times he let us do whatever we wanted. This happened every week for about a year and then stopped.

  “And then, three days after my eighteenth birthday, Garry showed me the photos. He said that if I didn’t sign all of my inheritance over to him, then he’d send the photos to my family and friends. I gave him the money and ran away, back to Australia.

  “I thought I was done with him, but it would seem he had different ideas.”

  Mike is still looking at me, he hasn’t taken his eyes off me. “When does he want the money by?”

  “Friday.”

  “And if he doesn’t get it?”

  “He’ll send the photos to his friend at News Weekly.”

  Mike’s eyes widen.

  “I’m so sorry Mike. He promised me he would destroy the photos. He told me he had.”

  “Why didn’t you tell anyone what had happened?”

  “No one would believe me. Garry is highly respected. No one would’ve believed me.”

  Mike’s posture slumps as he runs his hand though his hair.

  “I’m so sorry Mike.”

  “It’s not your fault, Lyndsay.”

  “It is. I’ve ruined everything for you.”

  Mike shakes his head. “You haven’t. But I think you should go home.”

  I’ve lost him. “I know. I will.”

  Mike insists I take everything, all the clothes and shoes. He hands me a wad of cash and walks me to the apartment door. “Go straight to the airport. Get on the first flight to Melbourne. When you get home, stay there.” Then he hugs me, a really tight hug. “Trust me Lynd’s,” he whispers. “This will all be over soon.”

  “Please tell Mikey that I love him and that I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye. And that I hope one day, I’ll see him again.”

  “I’ll tell him,” he says and then releases from our embrace. Then he looks at me, his eyes scanning my face, taking in every square inch of me. I can’t imagine how I must look to him now. Somehow, I don’t think he’s seeing me as beautiful any more. From this day on, he’ll think of me as the puffy eyed, tear stained girl who ruined his career.