Blue Saturn

by Jay, Libby

  I don’t say goodbye. I can’t bring myself to do it. I reach up and kiss his cheek quickly before I walk away.

  I don’t look back.

  *****

  I don’t know how many days it has been since I’ve been home. But I know I’ve spent the entire time in bed. Other than to visit the bathroom, I have not moved, not to eat, not to shower, not to recharge my phone.

  I have become a hermit.

  And I will remain so.

  I watch the light around my curtains fade again. Another night is upon me which means it’s another day gone since I last saw Mike.

  He’s probably in the UK now. He’ll be doing television and radio interviews. He’ll be doing photo shoots and meeting fans. That’s if his career isn’t in absolute ruins. That’s if the media are still interested in their music. That’s if the fans still want to meet and greet. That’s if Blue Saturn hasn’t had to refund three sold out concerts to their disgruntled fans.

  That’s if I haven’t absolutely ruined everything.

  I think about Mikey. His smile and his eyes, and the way his hands used to hold onto my hair for comfort.

  I think about Gavin. He’ll know all about my past now. Mike tells him everything. It hurts to think that he’s thinking badly of me too.

  These thoughts have been my constant friend for days and nights, but tonight, I need to sleep. I roll over in my bed, curl up into a ball and try to sleep.

  Someone is knocking at my door. I am not going to get out of bed. I know it’ll be Aunty Beatrice or Uncle Maurice. And I don’t want to see them. No, I’d actually love to see them but I don’t want them to see me.

  I hear the lock on the door click and the door opens.

  “Lyndsay, are you here?” That’s Meredith’s voice. What is she doing here?

  I hear her approaching the bedroom. When she sees me in bed, she breathes what sounds like a sigh of relief and comes to me. She holds me in her arms and starts to cry.

  “I knew something was wrong. I knew it. And I understand why you didn’t tell me. Lyndsay, I’m so sorry.”

  I can only assume by her words that Garry has come true on his threat. Everyone is going to see those photos.

  “Why didn’t you tell us all those years ago? We could’ve helped you.”

  I shake my head. I can’t speak.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk now.” She rocks me back and forth as though I’m a child. “I thought maybe he was physically abusing you, but...oh god Lyndsay. Did he hurt you?”

  I shake my head again. I still can’t speak.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it. We can talk about it later.” She holds me a little tighter. “You’ve gotten awfully thin since I last saw you. And you really stink.”

  I laugh then, because only Meredith would say something so honest to me. “I’ve had a lousy couple of days.”

  “What happened? I thought you were going to the UK with the boys. And then Levi rang Mike and Mike said you’d come home.”

  “Well when Mike saw the photos he sent me home.”

  “What photos?”

  I lift my head and look at her. “What do you mean ‘what photos’? The photos from the newspaper.”

  “What photos? What are you talking about?”

  “What are you talking about? What...what...” I am so confused. “Didn’t you see...why are you here? What’s happened?”

  “Haven’t you been watching the news? Garry was arrested and charged with a string of child pornography related crimes.”

  “Arrested?” I say.

  “Yeah. It’s been all over the news.” Meredith frowns. “What photos are you talking about?”

  “I don’t know what’s happening, Meredith. He was going to...” My voice fades off as I realise what’s happened. “Mike,” I say quietly. “I need to call Mike.” I scramble out of bed and find my phone. I wait impatiently for it to charge enough to make a phone call.

  I dial Mike’s number but it rings out. I try again and again, but he doesn’t answer. Why would he?

  I climb back into bed and lie down.

  Meredith lies down next to me. “Lynd’s, can you tell me what’s going on?”

  I tell her. I tell her everything and the whole time, her tears fall silently onto my pillow.

  Meredith stays the day and night with me. She reminds me that it is now October, so her parents are on their annual cruise around the Caribbean. They’ve been gone two weeks. That’s why no one has bothered me.

  She also made me shower and go for a brisk walk around the farm. She took me shopping for food and made me eat and now I’m trying to convince her that I’ll be fine on my own and it is perfectly safe for her to return to her husband and child.

  She hugs me tightly as I stand with her out on my driveway. “I’ll call you,” she says before she gives my cheek a kiss. “I love you, Lynd’s. And I’m so sorry you had to endure all that on your own.”

  “It’s okay. It’s all in the past.” I try to sound brave but my voice wavers.

  Fear will do that to a person.

  17.

  I decide to go for a run to the local corner store. I assured Meredith that I wouldn’t slip back into a funk and I can feel a strong urge to do just that. Running will fix it.

  The thirty minute run fills my body with all those happy hormones and as I reach the newsagency, four familiar faces get my attention. Blue Saturn are on the cover of ‘Rolling Stone’ magazine. I stop and look at the oversized poster. Mike is standing at the front looking every bit the rock star that he is. I go inside and purchase the magazine and head back home again.

  As I run down the long driveway, I see a black SUV parked in my driveway. I stop running and look around, checking for someone. A reporter maybe, or the cops. Anyone. But I can’t see anyone. Then I see the front door to the car open and as I register who is getting out of the car, my heart instantly skips a beat and starts racing again and my palms become sticky.

  “What are you doing here?” I say quietly, to myself.

  Mike raises a hand and waves at me. But it’s not until Mikey jumps from the car that I snap out of my trance and start to run toward him.

  “Indsy,” Mikey shrieks as he runs to me. He leaps with full strength into my arms and wraps his own small arms around my neck. “I missed you,” he says.

  Tears prick my eyes and I hold him close against me. “I missed you too,” I say.

  I look at Mike and he is smiling. “Did you miss me?”

  I smile at him. “Not even a little bit.” I walk toward Mike, still holding Mikey in my arms. “How are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be in the UK?”

  “I’m still going. I leave tomorrow night. But I needed to see you before I go. We need to talk.” He comes toward me and wraps his arms around both me and Mikey. He kisses my cheek. “I missed you.” He looks at me and then he laughs. “You’re not going to say it, are you?”

  I shrug. “I didn’t miss you.”

  He laughs again. “Come on. Let’s go inside.”

  I prepare dinner while Mike plays with Mikey. He bought an entire box of toys with him. They’ve built a massive castle out of blocks and are getting ready to knock it down with small rubber balls. It’s almost a shame to destroy it. It’s a real work of art.

  After we’ve eaten, I bathe Mikey while Mike cleans up dinner dishes. They’re going to stay the night. Apparently, none of them have had much sleep this past week as Mikey missed me mostly at night time.

  Mikey snuggles down onto the bed I’ve made from the sofa cushions. He wanted to sleep in my room, so he’s on the floor next to my bed.

  I read him a story and as his eyes grow heavy he looks up at me.

  “You’re not ever going to leave me again, are you Indsy?”

  I smile and look down at him but don’t answer. I can’t lie to him again and right now, I don’t know what my future holds.

  I gently stroke his hand until his eyes close and he’s asleep.

>   I walk out into the lounge room and Mike is looking at the ‘Rolling Stones’ magazine I bought earlier.

  “Didn’t miss me, huh?” he says and smiles that same smile that used to infuriate me but now it makes me smile. He tosses the magazine onto the coffee table and beckons for me to sit next to him on the couch.

  “After you left last week,” Mike starts, “I took the contents of the envelope to my lawyer.”

  “Why did you do that?”

  Mike reaches out and takes my hand. “Because I needed to do something. I wanted to help you.”

  “But now everyone will know what I did?”

  “You didn’t do anything, Lyndsay. None of this was your fault. You were an innocent victim. You were underage. Your name is protected. And you weren’t his only victim. There were others before you and more after you. He’s going to jail for what he did, Lyndsay. He can’t hurt you or anyone anymore.”

  Mike did this for me. The heavy feeling in my stomach slowly lifts and is replaced with a much more favourable feeling; relief.

  “Thank you,” I say and shuffle closer to him to hug him. “Thank you, Mike. How am I ever going to repay you?”

  “There is something you can do for me.”

  “Name it, I’ll do it.”

  “Let me take you to bed...”

  I quickly move away as Mike starts laughing. “I’m joking. It’s a joke.” He puts his hands up to defend himself against my hands that start slapping at his chest.

  “Not funny, Mike.” I shake my head at him and try to hold my stern look but despite my greatest efforts, I find myself laughing along with him.

  “I need to ask you a favour. It’s a big one.” He stops and takes both my hands in his. “I need you to have Mikey for me while I go overseas.”

  “Of course I’ll have him. I’d love to.”

  “But,” he looks down. “I’ll be gone for six weeks.”

  “Six weeks? Why so long?”

  “I’ve booked myself into rehabilitation clinic just outside of London. It’s a really good one. I’ll be there for a month.” He looks up at me again. “I want to be a better person Lynd’s. And I can’t do that if I have to get stone drunk every night. I’ve tried to do it on my own but I’m not strong enough. This week...” he sighs. “I had another relapse this week. Just drugs, no women,” he’s quick to add. “I need help.”

  My heart aches for him. I know how much he hates to ask for help.

  “Of course I’ll help you.”

  “I’ll pay you, of course.”

  I start to refuse but he insists. “I will pay you, in advance.” He looks down for a moment before looking up again. “I was hoping you’d stay on full time. We’re going to start on the new album soon and I need to write. I need someone I know I can trust to take care of Mike for me.” He licks his lips. “And maybe by then, I might be able to prove myself...worthy...if you’ll give me a chance.” His hands tighten around mine.

  “Mike, how could you still want me? You know about my past. Why do you still want me?”

  “Lyndsay, knowing that about you makes me want you more. I want to keep you safe. I want to make you happy.” His hands tighten around mine. “I’m in love with you Lyndsay.”

  My head screams ‘no!’ but my heart welcomes it because I love him too. But I can’t tell him yet. He’s about to go away and he needs to focus on getting better, not on romancing his new girlfriend. That’s if Mike Greene is the type to romance. I don’t want to hurt him but I need to be honest with him.

  “We can’t be in a relationship right now Mike. You’re going to be on the other side of the world and I don’t think I could cope with a long distance relationship.” But that’s just a lame excuse and by the look on Mike’s face, he knows it. So I have to be completely honest. I will hold nothing back. “I’ve never been in a relationship before. Ever. And besides what you saw in those photos, I’ve never had sex. I’m worried I’ll only disappoint you.”

  Mike slowly shakes his head. “You just made me fall a little more in love with you.” He moves forward to kiss me but I move back.

  “I can’t.” I feel a lump in my throat form.

  “Do you think that when I get back, we can try.”

  I try to swallow the lump away, but it feels like it’s only getting bigger. “Mike.” I shake my head. “I’m so afraid.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  I search deep inside me and try to find the words to explain to him. In the end all I can say is, “I don’t want to be that girl again. That crazed girl in the pictures. I can’t be her.”

  He holds my face in his hands. “You won’t be.” He moves closer to me so he’s only inches away and looks into my eyes. “You will never be that girl again. I’ll make sure of it.”

  And there is that feeling again. That feeling that tingles and makes me feel alive. I want to feel this feeling every day for the rest of my life.

  I slowly nod my head. “We can try.”

  He smiles. “Do you mean it?”

  “Yes. When you get back, we can try. But...I need to take it slow. I don’t want any pressure...”

  “I will never pressure you to do anything Lynd’s. We go as fast or as slow as you want. I don’t care.” He lowers his hand to my strip of white hair and fingers it. “As long as you say you’re mine.”

  Mike wants to sleep next to me, but I said no. I offered him my bed, so he can sleep in with Mikey but he is insisting on sleeping on the couch. I’ve made up a bed with spare blankets and a pillow.

  I brush my hair and teeth and wash my face, slip into some pyjamas and head out to say good night to Mike. He’s lying down, on his back, his eyes are closed. He’s sleeping already. I watch him for a little while.

  I don’t understand it now and I’m not sure that I ever will, but why this man would want me is beyond my comprehension. He could have any of the beautiful women in the world, and yet he wants me. I’m not beautiful or overly talented or anything. I’m average in everything. What does he see in me that’s so special? What could he possibly love about me?

  But what if when he goes away he realises he doesn’t really love me? What if he realises his feelings for me go no further than appreciation for the fact that I can look after his son when he can’t? What if he realises he doesn’t want me?

  That thought breaks my heart.

  “Mike,” I whisper. He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t move. “I’m going to miss you.”

  A slow wide grin slowly spreads across Mike’s face before he chuckles. “I know you will.” He doesn’t open his eyes.

  I huff. “That’s a pretty mean trick to play.”

  He laughs. “I know. But if you’re not going to come here and sleep with me you need to go. I’m dead tired.”

  “I know. I’m going. Good night Mike.”

  “Good night Lynd’s.”

  We spend the morning playing with Mikey. We play chase and hide and seek and build a tower with his blocks.

  While we eat lunch, Mike explains to Mikey that he has to go away for a little while. “But you get to stay here and have a sleepover with Lyndsay every night.”

  “Will you come back?” Mikey asks.

  “Of course I’ll come back, little man. And while I’m away, we will talk on the phone and Skype.”

  “What’s Skype?”

  “We can talk to each other on the computer and we can see each other on the screen.”

  I shake my head. “My computer doesn’t have a web cam.”

  Mike smiles at me. “I’ve taken care of that.”

  After lunch, Mike unloads Mikey’s massive suitcase, three boxes of toys a small cot bed. “I could not have been arsed doing this last night,” he says as hands me a bag. “It’s a laptop. It has a built in camera.”

  After we’ve unpacked Mikey’s things, we take a walk around the farm together. Mike holds my hand the entire time, while Mikey runs ahead to look at the horses and sheep and cows and jumps in every muddy puddle there is.


  Mike leaves just before dinner. He lifts Mikey into his arms and holds him tight. “I love you, little man,” he says.

  “I love you too, Mike.”

  “I’ll call you as soon as I can. We’ll talk on the phone.”

  “Can we talk on the computer?”

  “Sure. We’ll talk on the computer. You be a good boy for Lyndsay, okay? I’ll be back in a few weeks.” He kisses Mikey and puts him down. Then he comes to me. “Money will be transferred into your account tomorrow. If you need anything, anything at all, call me. While I’m at the clinic, you can call Gavin. He’s staying in London. He’ll be able to get any messages to me.”

  “Don’t worry about Mikey and me. We’ll be fine.”

  Mike wraps both his arms around me. “I love you Lynd’s. Thank you for doing this for me.” He holds me tighter and I hear him sigh. “I don’t want to go.”

  I hold onto him. “You’re doing the right thing, for yourself and for Mikey. Leaving is the right thing to do.”

  “I’m doing this for you too, Lyndsay.” He pulls back and looks down at me. “Now, I’m going to steal a kiss from you because god only knows I’ll go crazy if I don’t.”

  I let him steal his kiss. It’s soft and slow and surprisingly brief. He rests his forehead against mine. “I really don’t want to go.”

  “I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back.”

  He nods his head, kisses me another soft kiss and lets me go. He takes two steps backwards, then turns around and walks to his car. Mikey runs after him and waves as he disappears up the driveway.

  This is going to be a very long six weeks.

  *****

  While Blue Saturn were on tour in the UK, Mike Skyped us every day after his concerts. Some days he talked to Mikey for an hour or more. Other nights, when he was tired from work commitments, the calls were a bit briefer. But he always called.

  They did two shows in London, one in Ireland and one in Scotland. The two latter shows were small and Mike loved them.