Blue Saturn

by Jay, Libby

  “I’ll take your word for it,” I say and grab a pile of plates from the cupboard.

  “He’s got good hands too,” Jasmine continues. “Strong wrists from playing the drums.”

  I look at Mike and give him a look, silently asking him say something to make Jasmine stop. Mike just shrugs again.

  Thankfully my phone rings and I have a reason to excuse myself to take the call.

  “Hey Meredith. I have never been so happy to hear from you.”

  “Happy New Year!” she slurs. Great. Meredith is drunk dialling. “You know what, white Christmas’ are my most very favourite thing in the whole wide world.”

  “Are they really?” I say, because I know that when she’s sober, like she was two days ago when I spoke to her, she did nothing but complain about how cold and wet it was.

  “Yes, I love everyone.”

  “Is Levi with you Meredith?”

  “Yes, he’s just over there. Just...there.”

  “Well I can’t see him. Can you get him to yell out hello to me?”

  “Here, say hello.”

  Thankfully Levi takes the phone and I’m able to have a coherent conversation with my cousins’ husband. They’ll be arriving home while I’m in New Zealand, but we make plans to catch up when they come to Melbourne late February.

  Gavin comes down stairs just as we’re finishing up breakfast. He’s holding Grace in his arms. She looks so tiny against the large frame of her father.

  “Hey man, congratulations,” Mike says as he goes to Gavin and pats him on the back. “She’s really beautiful.”

  “Of course she is. She looks just like her mum.” He smiles and winks at Jasmine.

  I watch as Mike gently strokes Graces head. “She’s really beautiful,” he says again.

  “Wanna have a hold?”

  “Nar, it’s okay. I’ll probably drop her.”

  “No you won’t.” Gavin holds Grace toward Mike. I watch as Mike carefully takes Grace under the arms and holds her against him, and then he just looks at her.

  Grace gargles and goo’s and makes all the usual noises a baby makes. She reaches up to Mike, slapping him in the chin a few times before she laughs.

  Gavin laughs. “She’s letting you know who’s boss.”

  “You are in so much trouble with this little girl,” Mike says. “She’s gonna have you wrapped around her finger.”

  “She already has.” Gavin sits down next to Jasmine and puts his arm around her before kissing her cheek. He whispers in her ear and Jasmine smiles.

  I really hope Gavin doesn’t break her heart.

  Mikey approaches Mike and looks up at him. “Who is that baby?” he asks.

  “This is Gavin’s daughter, Grace.” Mike kneels down so Mikey can have a better look at her.

  “Keep your son away from my daughter, Greene. I’m dead serious.”

  I find myself laughing along with everyone else.

  “I wouldn’t be so quick to set boundaries if I were you,” Jasmine says. “It seems that the Blue Saturn boys need a strong woman in their lives to keep them on the straight and narrow. Maybe Grace will keep you and Mikey in check.”

  “Greene,” Gavin says. “If your son...” He rubs his hand over his face. “Just keep him the hell away from her.”

  It looks like Gavin has his work cut out for him.

  I’m packing bags for our trip to New Zealand. I’m nervous. Mike knows it and keeps trying to distract me with some antic. At the moment, he’s lying on the bed, his head hanging off the end, playing the guitar upside down, I mean like left-handed, although the guitar is a right handed one.

  “Yes, you’re very clever Mike,” I say as I stuff a handful of underwear into the suitcase.

  “And I can play it behind my back.” Mike rolls onto his stomach and flips the guitar around behind him, fumbles with it for a minute before he starts playing another song.

  “How many times have you played that song?” I ask. He’s playing ‘No Where But Here,’ which was on their first record.

  “I don’t know. About a hundred times.”

  “Play me a song upside down and backwards that you’ve never played before and I’ll be impressed.”

  Mike stops playing and thinks for a minute. “Okay.” He readjusts the guitar and starts playing a tune.

  I know the song immediately. I roll my eyes and shove a couple of pairs of socks into the case. “I wasn’t aware that you were so patriotic.” He’s playing the national anthem.

  “I’m not, but it’s the only song I can think of that I’ve never played before.”

  “Do you honestly expect me to believe that you’ve never played the national anthem on guitar before?”

  “Yes, I do because it’s true. It’s a crap song and until this very moment I’ve never played it.”

  “If you’ve never played it, then how do you know how to play it?” I go to the wardrobe and start pulling t-shirts from the shelves.

  “Because, Lyndsay I am so awesome, that I can play it by ear.”

  “Whatever,” I say. I look at him over my shoulder. He looks ridiculous, with his arms behind his back. He looks kind of like a seal gone all wrong. But at the same time, he looks so happy lying on his tummy playing his guitar. His lips are curled up and he has a sparkle in his eyes. He looks like a little kid. “I wish I knew you when we were younger.”

  “Oh yeah? Why?” He’s still playing the national anthem.

  “I don’t know. I just think it would’ve been cool to have known you as a kid.”

  “You wouldn’t have liked me.”

  “Why not?”

  “I picked my nose.”

  I laugh. He’s still smiling that boyish smile and the more I look at him the more I laugh. “That’s gross.”

  “It’s true. I used to pick so hard I’d get nose bleeds.” He’s still playing the damn national anthem. “It was really gross.” I stand and watch him as he belts out the last line of our national anthem, before he puts his guitar down, stands up and salutes me. “Feeling better?” he asks.

  “Yes, I am feeling better. Thank you.”

  Mike wraps his arms around me and holds me. “Good. Now can I take my incredibly sexy girlfriend to bed for some afternoon delight?”

  I sigh into his chest. “No you can’t. Your incredibly sexy girlfriend has her period.”

  “Thank goodness for that,” Mike says.

  While Mike was in rehab, he underwent all the appropriate tests and all his results came back clean. I don’t know who was more surprised, him or me. He had been very reckless in the ‘safe sex’ department and although he had never displayed any symptoms, he was pretty sure he’d have contacted something, but was very relieved to find he hadn’t.

  Last week we spoke about contraception. He asked if I would go on the pill, to which I said I would. We visited the doctors together and now that I’ve got my period, I can start the pill. But the doctor advised us to keep using condoms for at least another month. Mike wasn’t too happy about that, but the last thing we both want, right now, is another baby.

  “That explains the sour moods. I was beginning to think you didn’t like me anymore,” Mike says.

  “I still like you.”

  Mike kisses the top of my head. “We should celebrate the fact that I haven’t knocked you up and go out for dinner tonight.”

  “I need an early night.”

  “We can have an early dinner. We’ll take Mikey to the beach and have fish ‘n chips.”

  “Should we ask Gavin and Jasmine to come along?” While Jasmine hasn’t officially moved in, she and Grace spend a lot of time at Gavin’s house.

  “No, I just want to be with my two most favourite people.” He kisses me softly. “Finish packing, we’ll leave once you’re done.”

  *****

  The closer we get to New Zealand the more my anxiety builds. I was up most of last night, feeling waves of nausea rush through me. I was nervous driving to the airport. I think I snapped at
Gavin and Mike more than once. I bought up my light breakfast at the airport and now, in the plane, it’s taking every bit of positive energy I have not to demand that they land this plane in the middle of the Tasman Sea to let me out.

  Mike has Mikey with him and I’m sitting next to Gavin, who is sound asleep because he didn’t sleep a blink last night because Grace has a cold and he got up to her every time she woke up.

  Jasmine decided not to come to New Zealand. Mostly because neither she nor Grace have passports, but also because she thinks Gavin needs some time to think things through.

  Jasmine may look like a punk, but she has a very sensible head on those twenty nine year old shoulders.

  Mike looks over the back of his seat at me. We’re in business class so he’s a fair distance from me. He smiles and blows me a kiss before turning back around. I love that Mike knows when to give me space.

  Mike has gone all out on the accommodation for our short stay in Auckland. This apartment is absolutely stunning and it was one of the very few high end accommodation institutions that didn’t suffer too badly in last years’ earthquake.

  “Does this apartment meet your very high standards?” Mike asks as he sits down on the bed in our room.

  “Yes, it does.” I smile for the first time all day.

  “There’s my beautiful girl,” he says. “Come here.”

  I go to him and let him wrap his arms around me. I instantly feel the tension I’d been holding in my shoulders ease and I climb onto his lap, my knees either side of his hips.

  “Sorry I’ve been so cranky,” I say. “I really don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

  “It’s understandable,” he says. “You didn’t want to come, but I made you and now you’re cranky at me.”

  I kiss his neck and rest my cheek against his shoulder. “That’s not it. I’m just scared.”

  “You have nothing to be afraid of.”

  “I know. But I’m still scared.”

  He holds me for a long time. I listen to Gavin and Steve and Mikey out on the deck looking at the boats in the harbour. It a surprisingly warm day in Auckland and the nice weather is supposed to continue all week. It’s a shame we’re only here for four days. Wait, no it’s not. I can’t wait to get home.

  The boys have the night off to do whatever they want, but tomorrow they’ll be at the venue most the day doing sound checks and running through a whole lot of last minute things.

  The concert is the day after tomorrow, then the boys are fulfilling their obligation toward their fans who missed out last time we were here because of the earthquake and are doing another concert before we fly home again.

  Mike has asked me to come with the band tomorrow to the venue. The relief concert is being held at a massive park, so he’s said that Mikey can run around without being in anyone’s way.

  I agree to go, only because I’m afraid to be alone.

  Mike is still on the phone and I’m tired. I signal to him that I’m going to get ready for bed and he nods at me and mouths ‘I won’t be long.’

  He’s talking to Liane. He’s been talking to Liane most the afternoon. And every time, he takes the call out on the balcony. Something is going on. Mike seems agitated after he’s spoken to her. I want to know what she’s saying to him, but when I ask Mike, he says it’s just work stuff. I don’t push the issue. If he wanted to tell me, he would.

  I shower, brush my teeth and tie my hair back. I climb into the soft warm bed and instantly feel myself falling into sleep.

  Goodness me, Mike is heavy when he’s asleep. His head is on my shoulder, his arm is heavy across my belly and his leg is hooked around mine. He’s fast asleep. I have no idea what the time is, but if my body clock is still on Melbourne time, it’s probably around eight thirty Auckland time. We’ll have to get moving soon. The boys have to be at the park at midday and I have no idea where this park is or how long it will take to get there.

  Mike stirs next to me. His hand moves across my belly before he moans.

  “Your skin is so soft,” he says. “I could touch it all day.” He stretches out his legs and back before he nuzzles into me again. “Did you sleep okay?”

  “I slept really well.” Not surprisingly, with all the nervous energy I burned yesterday.

  “Gavin wanted me to tell you that he’s going for a run this morning if you wanted to join him,” Mike says. “But I think I can come up with a better work out.”

  I laugh as Mike moves his hand slowly up my belly. His lips graze my neck and...his phone rings.

  He reaches to the bedside table and looks at the caller ID. “Bloody Liane,” he says. “What!” he barks as he answers the phone. “I’m not a child Liane.” He sits up in bed and swings his legs out. He walks to the sliding door and goes out onto the balcony. It looks like I’m going for a run after all.

  *****

  The park is massive, as is the main stage and backstage area. There are seven bands lined up to perform, the first four will perform for an hour each and the last three, will perform for two hours each. Blue Saturn is the last band on the line up. They’re scheduled to go on at ten-thirty at night, but Mike says these sorts of concerts always run over time so they could go on stage anytime after ten-thirty.

  At the back of the park, is a smaller stage, where a lot of local bands will get a chance to play their music and get some exposure. Apparently, that was Mike’s idea.

  He wants me and Mikey to come to the concert. And as there is no area backstage for him to set up a bedroom, it looks like Mikey will be having a late night. Either that or my arms are going to get a good workout holding him.

  Mike has said he’d like to arrive at the park early to watch the other bands perform, but he doesn’t expect me to stay the entire time with Mikey. He can arrange for a car to pick us up from the hotel at about nine o’clock and bring us or we can come with him. He’d like to leave the hotel at about midday.

  I really have no idea what to do. It’s all a bit too much for me to take in at the moment.

  It’s getting late in the day. Blue Saturn have just finished their sound check and are speaking to a man in a suit wearing a head set. He’s holding a black folder in his hands and seems to be going through a checklist with Mike. Mike is nodding and saying ‘yeah’ and ‘sure’ a lot.

  I’m standing near the fence, not far from the gated area where the van is parked. I’m holding Mikey on my hip. He’s tired. He’s been running around all day in the sun and is beginning to complain that he’s hungry. There is nothing to eat here other than junk food, and Mikey has eaten enough of that all day.

  “Lyndsay?” I hear a voice from behind say.

  I turn around and instantly feel weak. He hasn’t changed a bit. Other than looking more like a man now than the teenage boy he was when I last saw him, he is exactly the same. The same blonde hair, the same blue eyes, the same handsome face.

  “Kyle,” I whisper.

  And then we stand and stare at each other.

  He’s standing on the other side of the cyclone fence. He has an ‘All Access’ pass around his neck.

  “I um...” he smiles and shakes his head. “I want to say, ‘how are you?’ but it seems like a kinda lame thing to say.”

  I smile too. “I’m good,” I say.

  And then we go back to staring at each other.

  “Lynd’s?” Mike’s voice causes me to turn around. He’s looking back and forth between Kyle and I and I know he knows who Kyle is.

  I look at Mike and then back at Kyle. Then I look back at Mike. “This is Kyle,” I say. “My step-brother.”

  Mike nods. “I know who he is.” Mike steps forward and takes Mikey from me. “You two probably have a bit to talk about.”

  I look at Kyle and nod my head. “Yeah, we do.”

  Kyle walks toward the gate and opens it. After he’s secured it again, he turns around and looks at me. I don’t know what he’s expecting. I don’t know what I’m expecting. I’m not feeling anything, other than
a little shaky. I take a deep breath in and I go to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and I hug him.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispers to me. He holds me so tightly I’m certain he can feel my body quaking against him.

  “No more apologies, Kyle. Really, I’m okay.” I pull out of the hug and look at him. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

  “Neither have you.”

  I take Kyle’s hand and I lead him to where Mike and Mikey are watching us. “Kyle, this is my boyfriend, Mike. Mike, meet my step-brother, Kyle.”

  Kyle and Mike shake hands and exchange pleasantries.

  “And who is this little guy?” Kyle asks.

  “This is my son, Mikey.”

  “Hi Mikey. It’s nice to meet you.” Kyle puts his hand out and Mikey gives him a high five. Kyle smiles and looks back at me. And again we stare at each other.

  “Are you local to Auckland, Kyle?” Mike asks, breaking our staring match.

  “No. I’m in Wellington now. I’m just here for the concert. I work for Globe.”

  “That’d be a sweet gig,” Mike says. I have no idea what Globe is.

  “Yeah it’s not bad.” Kyle sees my confused face and smiles. “I do the lighting for concerts.”

  “Oh,” I say.

  Kyle and I stare at each other again.

  Mike clears his throat. “So where are you staying while you’re in Auckland?”

  “At the Langham.”

  “How about when you’ve finished up here you come by our apartment. We’re staying harbour side. You and Lyndsay can talk.”

  I know why Mike is so keen for me to talk to Kyle. He asked me for weeks to see a therapist after I moved in with him but I refused to. I also refused to talk to him. He wants me to talk to Kyle because he knows I need to talk to someone. And who better to talk to than the very person who shared my messed up experience.

  “I was actually heading to my car when I saw Lyndsay. I’m done for the day.”

  Mike turns around and nods to Gavin, who is waiting patiently for us. He turns back to Kyle. “We’re done too. You can ride with us to the apartment. There’s room in the van.”