Blue Saturn

by Jay, Libby

  “I’ll follow you in my car.”

  Kyle follows me into my bedroom and I close the door behind us. For minutes it feels, we stare at each other again. There is so much I need and want to say to him but I have no idea where to start. It feels like it’s always been that way between us.

  The days that followed our night of sex, we avoided each other. Sometimes, Kyle wouldn’t come home, choosing to stay with friends. I, on the other hand, had no such luxury so was forced to be home with my step-father.

  We would see each other at school, our eyes quickly meeting before looking away again. And then, when Kyle came home, our exchanges were brief only because we had no choice but to interact with each other. We were, after all, step brother and sister.

  We never spoke about what Garry was doing to us. We just went about our lives until Garry put another glass of wine in front of us. Then it would start all over again.

  “We should sit down,” Kyle says, moving towards a small sofa in the bedroom.

  I nod my head and follow him. We sit down, Kyle takes my hand and he looks into my eyes.

  “I was always so confused,” he says.

  “So was I. I hated what we did and at the same time I loved it. I always felt...excited when Garry put that glass of wine down on the table. And then the next day, I hated myself. And you. And Garry.”

  Kyle nods. “My biggest regret is that I let him get away with it, but at the time...” he sighs and runs his fingers through is hair. “I liked it as well.”

  “Kyle, we were both young. I didn’t know if what was happening was right or wrong. I was afraid to say anything. I never thought anyone would believe me. Garry was so highly respected.”

  Kyle looks down at our hands, clasped tightly together. “I can’t help but blame myself for all the victims after us.”

  “We can’t blame ourselves for that, Kyle. We were as innocent as every one of his victims.”

  “I know. It’s hard to accept that sometimes.” He squeezes my hand. “Can I ask you a sort of personal question?”

  I laugh, because considering what we’ve been through, there’s not a lot more left to consider personal. “Sure you can.”

  “Was sex difficult for you, afterwards?”

  I nod my head. “After you there was no one before Mike.”

  Kyle’s eyes widen in disbelief or shock.

  “And even now, there are certain things I can’t do with Mike. Some things just feel wrong.

  “My biggest fear was losing control, like we used to. But Mike...he’s been really understanding.” I smile and feel my cheeks heat up. “Mike is always gentle.”

  “I hurt you, didn’t I?”

  “Sometimes. But, I think we hurt each other, didn’t we?”

  Kyle nods his head. “Yeah. I still have a scar on my back from when you bit me.” Kyle’s hand moves to his back.

  I shake my head. “I don’t remember that.” My mind boggles thinking about what on earth I was doing to him that allowed me to bite his lower back. I remember scratching and hair pulling and I even slapped him a few times, but I don’t remember any biting.

  “Do you drink alcohol?” Kyle asks me.

  “No.”

  “Me neither.”

  “Do you have a girlfriend or...” I ask.

  “Boyfriend?”

  “You have a boyfriend?”

  Kyle shakes his head. “I have a girlfriend. We’ve been together for just over a year. She’s a bit older than me.” Kyle closes his eyes and laughs. “She’s ten years older than me. But she’s really great, you know. She knows all about what we went through. She’s the only person I’ve ever told.

  “Before her, there were a few other girls, but those relationships never lasted too long. I was carrying too much guilt. And hatred I guess. I hated myself for a long time.”

  Kyle tells me that after he left me at the airport that day, he never went back home. He ended up on a plane to Wellington and stayed there. He enrolled in a Lighting Technician course and through that he got a job with Globe. He’s been with them ever since.

  “I love my job,” Kyle says. “It takes me away from home a lot but I need my own space and time sometimes.”

  I tell him what I’ve been doing for the past seven years. He understands me completely when I tell him that there is nothing more innocent than a child and I needed that; innocence in abundance.

  “It wasn’t until my paths crossed with Blue Saturn that every bit of innocence I had left in me dissipated.” Without telling him too much – I am after all under the NDA contract – I regale Kyle with my time touring with Blue Saturn.

  “Musicians live in their own world. They do what they do because they can.” Kyle tells me a few of his own stories about different bands he’s worked with. His stories are as bad, if not worse in some cases, as mine.

  We’ve been talking for a long time. The sky outside is black now and I can no longer hear voices from within the apartment. I look to the clock on the bedside table and it’s after nine o’clock.

  “Lynd’s, that day at the airport, when I told you I loved you, I meant it.”

  “I know you did.”

  “I loved you...not in a physical or sexual way. I loved you in that I felt like I needed to protect you. If I knew we could’ve had something good together, I would’ve left with you. But we would never have worked...you and I...we would’ve been a disaster.”

  “I couldn’t agree more. I think things have worked out for the best.”

  “I do to. I hope we can keep in touch now?”

  “Definitely. I would really like that.” I stand up and take a few steps toward the door.

  “Lyndsay?” Kyle says.

  I turn around and look at him. “Yes, Kyle.”

  He stands up from the couch. “I still love you. You’ll always be my little sister.”

  I smile and step toward him, allowing him to hug me. “I’ve always wanted a big brother.”

  Kyle squeezes me before letting me go. “Now, I need to go interrogate your boyfriend as to his intentions toward my little sister.”

  24.

  I swear to goodness, I am going to kill Liane. She has not stopped calling Mike since we arrived back from Auckland. His moods are growing more and more bitter and he’s spending far too much time away from Mikey.

  And me.

  And his friends.

  It seems that all he does is argue with Liane.

  And of course he flatly refuses to tell me what’s going on.

  “Well if you won’t talk to me about it, you had better snap out of your foul mood because I can’t stand it anymore,” I yell at him as I lean over the bath and turn on the taps.

  “I’m under a lot of pressure at the moment Lyndsay and the last thing I need is for my girlfriend to be nagging at me to talk to her. Especially when that girlfriend has a vault full of secrets she’s never told me.”

  “I’ve told you everything you need to know, Mike. And I don’t treat you like crap because of the pressure of holding back my secrets.” I pull my t-shirt up over my head. “And I don’t have any secrets from you anyway. I’ve told you everything!”

  “Only after your step-father sent you a little gift pack.”

  “Arsehole!” I scream at him. “We weren’t even dating then. God knows you spent that day screwing some little slut.” This argument is going nowhere and is making absolutely no sense. I pick up the bubble bath solution and pour it into the rising water.

  “I was at the stupid water park with my son, trying my damn hardest to be a good father. Something I will never be in your eyes because you are so damn high and mighty. No one is ever good enough for you.”

  I push my shorts down my legs. “You need to shut up Mike.” I unclasp my bra and let it fall down my arms.

  “Maybe you’re the one who needs to shut up!” He slams the bedroom door shut as he leaves the room.

  “Well, that’s just great,” I yell out after him. But I know he hasn’t heard me.


  My bath is nowhere near as relaxing as I had hoped it would be. I can’t lie still. I’m huffing and agitated and I can feel the tension in my shoulders building into a massive headache. But I stay here because I’m not ready to face what’s on the other side of that bathroom door.

  I hate fighting with Mike. We haven’t raised our voices to each other since those first few weeks together but lately we’ve been picking at each other over every little thing. I know he’s under a lot of stress and I wish he’d just tell me what’s bothering him so.

  And I’ve tried, I really have tried to ignore him but it’s becoming too much to overlook. I guess I’m worried that he’s going to find other means of dispelling his worry.

  I’m pretty much a shrivelled up prune. My hands and feet look as though they belong to a ninety year old woman. I’m about to stand up when there is a knock on the bathroom door.

  “Lyndsay, can I come in?” Mike asks quietly from the other side of the door.

  “Yes,” I say.

  Mike opens the door and slowly steps into the bathroom. “I’m sorry,” he says.

  “I’m sorry too.”

  He kneels next to the bath and reaches out to my white streak of hair, wrapping it around his finger. Then he gently pulls me into him and he kisses me. “I don’t want to fight with you Lyndsay.”

  “I don’t want to fight with you either.”

  “I can’t tell you what’s going on because I don’t want you to worry.”

  “I’m already worried, Mike. You’ve not been yourself and it worries me.”

  Mike releases my hair and stands up, quickly stripping off the few items of clothing he’s wearing. He sits down in the bath opposite me and pulls me on to his lap, so that I’m sitting astride him. He looks into my eyes. “You have nothing to worry about. I’m going out with Liane tomorrow night and we’re going to settle this once and for all.”

  “What are you going to settle?”

  “They don’t like the new songs. They want something edgier. But I want to do this album my way. The songs on this album mean a lot to me. I am not going to compromise.”

  “What if they won’t compromise?”

  “I’ll take my songs somewhere else and pay a huge fine for breaching my contract.” Mike’s hands settle on my hips. “But none of that matters as long as I have you by my side. I can’t lose you, Lyndsay.”

  “You won’t lose me, Mike.”

  “Promise me. Promise me that when I’ve lost all my money in legal fees fighting for my right to sing my songs my way and I have to live on the street in a cardboard box and eat food from trash cans, and wear torn dirty clothes that you will be beside me, hungry and cold and tattered looking.”

  I kiss him quickly. “I will be right beside you.”

  “Promise me you’ll always be beside me.”

  I look deep into his brown eyes. “Michael Greene, I will always stay at your side.”

  *****

  A lot can happen in twenty four hours. That is my first thought as I walk into the spare bedroom and stumble across a sight which causes me to turn completely and utterly numb.

  Last night, after our argument, Mike and I made love in the bath and then again in bed before falling asleep wrapped up in each other.

  When we woke up this morning, we made love again. Mike whispered to me that he loved me more than life itself and nothing could ever change that.

  We took Mikey out for breakfast and spent the day at the beach. It’s been very hot today. Mike and I stole kisses from each other all day, giving each other looks which assured the other that there’d be more expressions of love to come.

  Mike made dinner. We ate together outside beside the pool and as it was still so warm, we swam for a while after eating.

  Eventually Mike had to get ready for his meeting with Liane and the producers from the recording label. I watched him shower and get dressed. He told me the meeting wouldn’t go for too long and asked me to wait up for him, which I whole heartedly agreed to.

  After Mike left, I read Mikey a few stories, before carrying him to bed.

  I showered and got into bed, put the TV on and watched a movie. The last time I looked at the clock it was eleven-seventeen. I thought Mike would be home any minute.

  But I must’ve dozed off because the next thing I knew it was three-thirty nine in the morning. The TV was still on in my room and I could see a light from outside in the hallway, shining into the bedroom.

  I got up to see where the light was coming from and that’s when I saw what has given me this completely numb feeling.

  The light is on in the spare room. Lying on the bed in the spare room is Mike. His shirt is pulled up to his chest and his pants are undone and pulled down just enough so that I can see that he has red lipstick on a certain part of his body where there should not be red lipstick.

  Resting her head on top of Mike’s belly is Liane. She is wearing red lipstick. She is also wearing a black dress. Her up-do hairstyle is a bit messy, like someone has been pulling at it.

  On the bed next to Mike and Liane is an empty bottle of wine.

  Mike still has his shoes on and I wonder why on earth he laid down on the bed with his shoes on. He’s going to make the white bed cover dirty. But then, there are red stains on the cover from spilled wine, so the cover will have to be washed anyway.

  I move closer to the bed and sit down on the corner, looking down at Mike and Liane. I should be angry. I should be sad. I should be something. But I’m not.

  I’m nothing.

  Now I can hear a person talking at the door. Gavin is in the room. He’s looking at Mike and Liane and me and asking me what the hell is going on. “I saw the lights on when I was checking on Grace and...” he looks pale and he’s looking at me as though he’s expecting me to do or say something. And he’s right. I should do something.

  “I’m going to pack my bags.” I stand up from the bed and walk toward the door.

  “Lyndsay,” Gavin grabs my arms. “I’ll drive you home.”

  I nod my head and go back to my bedroom. Mike’s and mine bedroom. Only in a few minutes it won’t be Mike’s and my bedroom anymore. It’ll just be Mike’s room. Or maybe Mike’s and Liane’s bedroom.

  I’m putting clothes into a suitcase. I can hear voices in the hallway. Liane is screeching again. She’s always bloody screeching. I finish packing my bag and pull it out into the hallway. Liane is standing outside the bedroom. She’s pulling her hair free from the pins.

  “You’ll thank me when the money starts rolling in,” she says to Gavin.

  “Get out, Liane!” Gavin yells.

  Liane turns and sees me looking at her. She pulls her shoulders back and tries to make herself look taller. “Did you honestly think he’d play house with you forever? That man is a musician and a damn better one when he’s not playing mummies and daddies.” She pulls her shoes off her feet and quickly makes her way down the staircase.

  I’m on the top step when I hear Gavin call out to me. “I can’t wake Mike up,” he says.

  Suddenly the numbness is gone and I feel a cold chill go through my body. I leave my suitcase where it is and go back into the bedroom.

  Gavin has pulled the cover of the blanket over Mike and is currently throwing a glass of cold water over his face. Mike doesn’t flinch. He’s out cold.

  Gavin hits Mike a few times and then checks his neck for a pulse.

  “Gavin?” I say.

  “I gotta get him to the hospital.”

  Everything is a fuzzy haze of moment and voices...

  ...Jasmine will look after Mikey...

  ...I’m to go with Gavin to the hospital...

  ...We’re taking the big car...

  ...Gavin is carrying Mike...

  I climb into the back seat of the big car. Gavin lays Mike down across the back seat.

  Mike’s head is in my lap.

  I’m playing with his wet hair.

  I hate his hair.

  I hate h
is perfect face which looks so peaceful right now.

  Why should he have peace when I feel...angry and hurt and pain, there is so much pain, right there, right here in my chest. Humiliation is creeping in somewhere too, as is guilt and now I’m sad and I don’t want to cry but I’m crying.

  “Stupid arsehole,” I say to him. I want to hit him. I want to punch him in his perfect beautiful peaceful face. I want to hurl him straight out of the car into the oncoming traffic. And I want to hold him tightly against me and tell him that everything will be alright. “We’ll be okay,” I whisper.

  Who am I kidding? “We are not going to be okay.”

  Gavin sits with me in the waiting area. His arm is around me and I’m resting my head against his chest. We’ve been waiting for three hours and I haven’t spoken a single word. Gavin has asked me questions: “Are you okay?” “Would you like a drink?” “If you need to talk, I’m here for you.” He says all the right things. But I can’t talk. I can’t talk because the anger and pain and sadness and everything else have gone and I’m left once again feeling completely numb.

  It’s another hour before a doctor comes to the waiting room and tells Gavin that Mike is awake and is asking for him.

  Gavin gives me a quick kiss and leaves me in the waiting room.

  It’s another hour before Gavin comes back into the waiting room.

  “Is he okay?” I ask.

  “He’s asleep again,” Gavin says. “He’s got a mild case of alcohol poisoning. He’ll be fine.” Gavin sits down next to me. “Mike umm...he wanted me to ask you something.” Gavin looks uncomfortable but proceeds anyway. “He’s going to go away for a little while. He wanted me to ask you if you’ll stay to look after Mikey.”

  “Where is he going to go?”

  “He doesn’t want me to tell you.”

  “Is he going back to rehab?”

  Gavin doesn’t say yes or no. He sits perfectly still.

  “Can I see him?”

  “Do you want to see him?” Gavin sounds surprised. “Either way, he doesn’t want to see you. Not now. He’s...” Gavin shakes his head and lowers it into his hands. “He doesn’t want to see how disappointed you are in him.”