Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

‘Listen.’ He pulled back from me and cupped my face in his hands. ‘I’m not sure I can do this.’

  ‘Is it Daisy?’

  He shook his head. ‘It would be much simpler if it was.’ He looked away.

  I reached up and touched his cheek. It was meant to soothe him. Almost immediately I had a vision of my sister doing the exact same thing, here in this apartment. Two sneaky thoughts crept in then, in rapid succession. The first was to wonder what if Alison really had been in love with him but he refused to give up Daisy, and the second was Christ, just supposing we have a relationship and I get pregnant and he turns out to be Charlie’s father as well. It was so real that I could see the headlines on Oprah.

  Suddenly, just as he seemed to have put whatever doubts he had to the back of his mind, all I could think of was that I didn’t want to be intimate with him here, like this, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to have anything at all to do with him any more, soI said the only thing I could think of.

  ‘Richard, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let it go this far.’ I felt slightly out of breath but I guessed it was probably just a minor panic attack. ‘The thing is, I know about you and Alison.’

  26

  LILY

  ‘WHAT DID YOU say?’ he looked at me as if he was trying to figure out something. ‘Exactly what do you know?’

  ‘Enough.’

  ‘I see.’ He seemed to come to a decision. ‘Lily, I think we need to talk.’ He moved further away and I mumbled, ‘Excuse me,’ as I headed for the bathroom, afraid I was going to throw up.

  When I came back he was filling the kettle.

  ‘Coffee?’ He was avoiding looking at me.

  ‘There’s some made already.’ I indicated the pot. ‘It’s been keeping warm so it should be OK.’

  ‘Black or white?’ He was also playing for time, apparently.

  ‘Black.’ I reached for two mugs and went ahead of him into the sitting room. I knew I looked a mess but glancing at his face I reckoned it was no longer an issue.

  ‘So, what’s this all about?’ he asked as he poured.

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘I mean what are you trying to tell me?’

  ‘I’m not sure, really.’

  ‘Lily.’ This time he tilted my head up to look at him. ‘I haven’t a clue what’s going on here. You need to fill me in.’

  ‘You lied to me.’ I was immediately on the defensive.

  ‘Yes, I probably did lie by omission, but I would have told you.’ He looked like he’d rather not be having this conversation.

  ‘When?’ I asked baldly.

  ‘I never intended this to happen. Jesus, my life is complicated enough.’ He said nothing for a second. ‘But what I don’t understand is where you’re coming from? Tell me, please.’

  ‘I don’t know. In the beginning, I wanted to see what you were like . . .’ It was out before I realized it.

  ‘That first day, when you came into the restaurant, it wasn’t a coincidence?’ He sounded like he’d only just thought about it.

  ‘No.’

  ‘I see.’ He hesitated for a moment. ‘I suppose it was natural, wanting to know more about me. What had Alison told you?’

  ‘Absolutely nothing.’

  ‘Nothing?’ He digested this. ‘But you said . . .?’ I could see he was confused. ‘So, how come you knew about me . . . in the first place?’

  ‘Actually, I think I’d like you to go now.’ I got up and grabbed my mug and started tidying up.

  ‘I can’t go until you tell me what this is all about.’

  ‘Please . . .’ I felt like crying, but maybe that was just the drink.

  ‘You did . . . know about me and her though?’

  ‘Not really,’ I said truthfully, and it hurt to admit it. ‘Just a few things I found out . . . afterwards. Did she talk about me, or her baby, even?’ I needed to know.

  ‘Not much.’ He looked upset for me. ‘She was very private. I really liked her, she was great fun to be with. And as for her family, I knew she had a sister, although not that you were twins – that’s why I got such a shock when I saw you that day. And no, I never knew she had a baby. She talked very little about her life outside . . . of here.’

  ‘You said you’d met him?’ I was surprised.

  ‘I lied, you caught me off guard.’ He looked a bit shamefaced and I was glad. I could see the creases on his forehead. ‘Is that what this is about?’ He looked even more perturbed. ‘You think that maybe I’m the father?’

  ‘You tell me.’

  ‘No, I’m not, Lily. Definitely not. Not possible, in fact. I had the snip a few years ago.’ He shrugged. ‘If I’m honest, I never really wanted kids.’

  ‘As simple as that?’ He sounded just like me – before I inherited Charlie, that is – and came across as selfish and self-absorbed, I realized. Not to mention immature. ‘And what about Daisy?’

  ‘Daisy will go along with me.’ It sounded false.

  ‘That’s what she says now . . .’ I wondered why I was bothered about his girlfriend.

  ‘Well, she’s known about the operation from the start,’ he told me. ‘I’ve always been upfront about having no real interest in fatherhood.’ He looked a bit lost. ‘Can’t even blame my parents.’ He smiled. ‘I had an idyllic childhood, actually. Big country house, plenty of money about, lots of love and attention.’

  It was the direct opposite to what I’d known and talking to him in this matter-of-fact way made me understand – a little bit, at least – that the whole Charlie thing was perhaps much bigger in my head than it was in anyone else’s.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ I didn’t wait for a reply. ‘Why would someone like you – single, man about town, everything going for you, lovely girlfriend, all that – why would you be seeing my sister . . . on the side? At least, I take it you weren’t open about it?’

  ‘No.’ He thought for a moment. ‘I dunno really. Excitement, the feeling that you’re playing with fire. I can’t explain it. It’s like asking why do people take drugs? Because they can? Search me,’ he said.

  ‘So it wasn’t because your life at home . . . with Daisy, was’ – I couldn’t think of the word – ‘dull?’

  ‘Hell, no. Daisy is many things but she’s never dull.’ He looked uncomfortable talking like this. ‘Besides, I played around . . . occasionally. It was probably something to do with no strings attached – you know, no pretence, no having to meet the folks on Sunday afternoons, that sort of thing. And most men my age have issues with commitment, even though some of them, like me, are making plans to get married.’ He must have seen my face. ‘Sorry, Lily, you may not like hearing it but it’s true, I swear. And it suited Alison as well . . .’ He trailed off, unsure how much more to tell me, I sensed.

  ‘Listen.’ I came to a decision. ‘I need to be on my own, to think . . .’

  ‘That mightn’t be such a good idea. Are you staying here tonight?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Look, why don’t I stay? I could sleep on the couch.’

  ‘No, I’m fine, there’s no need.’

  ‘Sure?’ He couldn’t quite hide his relief.

  ‘Yes, honestly.’

  ‘OK. Look, I don’t want to leave it like this. How about if I come back in the morning? For breakfast, if that’s acceptable to you?’ He was treating me with kid gloves.

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘Promise me you’ll still be here?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Good. About ten?’

  I nodded.

  He gathered his stuff without speaking. ‘Are you sure you’ll be all right?’ He was heading for the door and then seemed to think better of it. ‘On your own? Tonight?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You’re not nervous?’

  That was a laugh. Alison had obviously never told him about how much time we were left alone as small kids, when we really were frightened.

  ‘No, I’ll be fine.’

  ‘Right, then. I’ll
pick up a cab on the main street.’

  I nodded. ‘Goodnight.’ I didn’t move.

  ‘You have my mobile, just in case?’

  ‘Yes.’ I didn’t know what else to say. ‘Thank you,’ I added as an afterthought.

  Later, I tried to doze but the fact that I was more confused than ever about Alison, combined with having to face Richard again in the morning with our relationship – if you could call it that – on a different footing, meant that sleep did not come easily. There was no escape route.

  27

  JAMES AND TAMSIN

  JAMES DIDN’T KNOW whether it was the smell or the sound that tickled his senses as he closed the front door, but the first thing that registered was the sound. There was music playing and Tamsin was laughing. He sniffed. And cooking something spicy. The absence of silence in the house surprised and pleased him at the same time.

  His wife and her best friend were in the kitchen and Tamsin was already at the door when he pushed it open.

  ‘Hello, darling. How are you?’ He liked it that she usually left whatever she was doing to come and greet him as soon as he arrived in the door.

  ‘Fine.’

  He kissed her and looked over her shoulder. ‘Hi, Maria, what are you doing here?’ It was unusual to see her at this time of day, when normally her brood were at their most demanding.

  ‘Had a row with Dan and decided I needed a drink and a shrink.’ She grinned. ‘Came here and got both for nothing.’

  ‘Cheapskate.’ He kissed her on both cheeks. ‘How’s Dan?’

  ‘Driving me mad. You won’t believe what he’s—?’

  ‘Stop right there.’ James poured himself a glass from the half-empty bottle and knew the girls thought he was settling in for a natter, as he normally would. ‘Your husband is a mate.’ He saw Maria’s nose twitch. ‘I refuse to bitch about him.’ He pulled her hair. ‘So there.’

  ‘Bastard,’ but he knew she didn’t mind really. Maria and Dan fought like cats and dogs. He’d long since given up getting in the ring, as had most of their friends.

  ‘You look nice.’ He noticed that Tamsin was wearing new jeans and a pretty smock top. It was a while since she’d made any effort at home. ‘And you’re cooking. How come?’ he asked absently as he threw the ball for Levi, who had dropped it at his feet and was circling him, eyes bulging and tail threatening whiplash.

  ‘I decided it was time to look after my husband again.’ She came up behind him and put her arms around him. ‘I’ve been neglecting you lately.’ She kissed his back.

  ‘Well, you won’t hear me complaining about being looked after, you know that, don’t you?’ He turned to her and pulled her close, kissing the tip of her nose. He winked at Maria over her shoulder.

  ‘Ugh, that’s enough, leave her alone.’ The other woman was smiling as she pushed back her chair. ‘Christ, it’s bad enough hating my own husband. Please don’t treat me to a display of how it could be.’ Maria drained her glass. ‘I’d better face the music.’

  ‘Stay for dinner,’ Tamsin suggested.

  ‘Yes, do,’ James added. He noticed the tired look in her eyes. ‘Please?’ he asked.

  ‘I’d love to but I’d better not.’ She took her jacket from the arm of the chair. ‘Anyway, I’m driving and if I stay here any longer I’ll have drunk the bottle I brought.’

  ‘I’ll run you home later,’ James offered.

  ‘You’re a dote, but no, thanks. I’ll leave you two lovebirds to your fragrant green curry and pristine house.’ It was said without a hint of envy. ‘Call you tomorrow.’ Maria picked up her bag.

  ‘Sure you won’t stay? You’re not disturbing us in the slightest,’ James said, but secretly he was glad when Maria shook her head. He wanted to try and talk to Tamsin about the future, now that she seemed to be coming back to her normal self again.

  ‘But thanks for asking.’ She touched James’s arm as they walked her to her car. ‘You always make me feel so welcome.’ She hugged her pal. ‘You take care.’

  They said their goodbyes and waved her off.

  ‘You look great. Are you feeling good?’ James asked as they stood watching the tail-lights disappear, arms wrapped around each other.

  ‘Yes.’ Tamsin smiled. ‘I am. Now come indoors and finish your drink. Dinner’s almost ready. I’ve got rice in the oven and all the bits are already on the table.’

  ‘Sounds perfect. Marks and Spencer?’ he teased.

  ‘Tesco Finest. But I did add a few extras myself, the way all good cheats do.’

  They had an enjoyable meal and then sat on the couch in front of a blazing fire and watched TV. After the news headlines Tamsin reached for the remote and turned to him. ‘I’ve been thinking.’

  ‘Uh-oh.’ He kissed her nose. ‘What about?’

  She hardly missed a beat. ‘I’d like us to try and adopt a baby.’ It was typical of Tamsin, straight in as usual.

  James was taken aback. It was something she’d always refused to consider when he’d suggested it in the past. Now he wasn’t sure he wanted to any more. It had been said simply to take her mind off things during the worst of the IVF. A sort of ‘don’t worry, there’s always fostering or adoption to consider’-type conversation. It had helped keep them going during the many long waiting periods, which they both dreaded.

  ‘Are you surprised?’

  ‘I guess I am.’

  ‘But it was something you brought up in the past.’ Now she looked taken aback.

  ‘I know. But that was because I thought it might be easier . . . on us, on our relationship. Things were pretty tough going there for a while,’ he reminded her gently.

  ‘I know. And you were absolutely incredible to me during all that time—’

  ‘No, that’s not what I meant.’ James dismissed the compliment, feeling guilty. ‘I meant that for a while we seemed to have no . . . excitement. No spontaneity. Sexually, that is. It was all about dates and times and charts and temperatures. I remember thinking that if we decided to adopt we could go back to how we used to be . . . before all this got in the way.’

  ‘James.’ She moved closer to him. ‘I know this was harder on you, much harder than maybe I originally guessed.’ She looked deflated just thinking about it and he hated himself.

  ‘No, it wasn’t,’ he insisted now. ‘It was equally hard on both of us.’ He felt he had to be fair to her.

  ‘You missed the sexual freedom more than me. I know how important that side of things is for a man.’

  ‘Not only for a man,’ he said quickly, feeling a bit miffed. ‘You were always into it too . . . before.’

  She reached out and rubbed the back of his neck: it was what she always did when she wanted him on side. ‘I know I was.’

  ‘You haven’t done that in ages.’ He arched his back in pleasure.

  ‘I haven’t, have I. I’m sorry.’ She knew how much he adored being touched.

  ‘No . . .’ He felt guilty again. ‘It’s me, I’ve—’

  ‘James, hear me out. In many ways I’ve been very selfish in all of this.’ He tried to interrupt her again but she put her finger on his lips. ‘No, let me finish, please. I didn’t really think about what I know is vital for you.’ She looked at him as if she was only just considering it all. ‘I know how important spontaneity and passion and . . . excitement are to you.’

  ‘They’re essential if a relationship is to thrive, I would have thought.’ Jesus Christ, what are you saying? James asked himself. You were getting all that somewhere else and now you’re taking the moral high ground with your wife. ‘What I meant was . . .’ He tried to backtrack.

  ‘Remember the nights when we’d have showers and I’d put on the sexiest new thing I’d bought and you’d pour us drinks and light the candles in the bedroom?’

  ‘I remember.’ He swallowed hard.

  ‘Well, I bet you can’t remember the last time, it’s been so long.’

  ‘No, I can’t.’ He wished she’d stop being so nice to him. It made
the whole thing harder to bear, especially when he’d been talking to Lily only a few hours ago.

  ‘Oh James, I’ve been a selfish cow.’ She threw herself at him. ‘I knew how hard it was on you, but I thought it would be OK to make it up to you once I got pregnant.’ There were tears in her eyes. ‘Please forgive me.’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’ He pulled a tissue from the box on the console table and wiped her eyes. ‘There’s nothing to forgive. We’ve always been in this together.’

  ‘But it’s been me leading the campaign,’ she said quietly.

  ‘Tamsin, I wanted a child of my own just as much as you did, don’t forget that.’ He was getting irritated again. ‘Maybe I just accepted earlier than you that it might not happen.’ He paused. ‘I wasn’t wearing rose-coloured specs the whole time.’

  ‘James, that’s cruel, how can you say that to me?’ She blew her nose.

  He didn’t know what had come over him, except that he wished she would stop living in this fantasy world where everything went according to plan and they all lived happily ever after. He wanted her to at least consider the possibility that it might have forced him into the arms of another woman, but that was just his ego. He knew she’d never guess, not in a million years.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said weakly. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. You know I wouldn’t hurt you for the world.’

  ‘I know you wouldn’t.’

  ‘Will we go to bed?’ He was exhausted.

  She didn’t hear him, it seemed. ‘And now here I am, babbling on about adoption, putting you in second place again . . .’

  ‘You’re not.’

  ‘It’s just I . . . have this desperate ache . . . right here.’ She took his hand and placed it low down on her stomach. ‘It’s like a hole, like something’s gnawing away at it.’ She looked like a child herself.

  ‘I never want you to feel lonely.’ He tucked her hair behind her ear. ‘I’m always here for you, you know that.’

  ‘Yes, James. I know that.’

  They were both silent for a bit. ‘If you really want to consider adoption, I’m willing to talk about it.’ He knew he’d do anything for her. Even give up the double life you’ve been leading? a voice in his head asked. He sighed. ‘Just give me a little time to get used to the idea.’