Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘Thank you.’ She kissed him, their first real kiss in a while.

  ‘I’ve missed you.’ He smiled at his wife. ‘I’ve been lonely too, you know.’

  ‘I know you have, James. I know you have.’

  They held each other for ages, not saying anything. He kissed her this time and she kissed him back as if she meant it. It had been a long time since he’d felt this close to her. Before either of them realized, they were a jumble of arms and legs and wet kisses and they made love on the rug in front of the fire the way they used to in the old days.

  Afterwards, her kiss was lingering, all urgency gone. ‘I love you so much.’ Her face was damp. So was his.

  ‘Let’s not lose each other again.’ He took her face in his hands. ‘I’m not . . . right without you, somehow.’

  ‘We never lost each other, darling. We, I . . . just lost my mind for a bit.’

  ‘Me too.’ Absently he shoved a few briquettes on the fire.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Nothing.’ He smiled at her. ‘Nothing at all.’ But he felt horribly guilty. They used to have no secrets.

  ‘James . . .’ Tamsin sat up. ‘Hang on, let me get my robe.’ She moved away. ‘Back in a jif, hold that thought.’ She kissed his head.

  ‘That’s better.’ She was tying the belt as she sat back down and he was pulling on his shirt. ‘Now I can relax. James, I know there’s something on your mind. I see you looking pensive when you don’t know I’m watching.’ She tilted his face up. ‘I can see it now, in your eyes.’ She smiled at him. ‘It worries me.’

  ‘There’s nothing to worry about.’ He’d long ago decided he could never do that to her. Now he abandoned all thoughts of going to bed, as he had wanted. ‘I’m getting another drink. Can I get you a cup of tea or something?’

  ‘No, thanks.’ She followed him into the kitchen. ‘James, come back inside.’

  ‘OK.’ He refilled his glass and let her lead him back to the couch.

  ‘I know there’s something worrying you.’

  ‘No, there isn’t.’ He sipped his wine.

  ‘Don’t hide behind alcohol.’

  ‘I’m not.’ He hated it when she went on about his drinking. ‘This is only my third glass, I’m hardly on a bender.’

  She ignored that. ‘James, I’m so glad we had tonight and I’m so sorry for not . . . seeing things clearly before. I want to make it up to you. But I know you. I know there’s been something troubling you for a long time. It comes and goes, but every now and then I see the anguish in your eyes.’ It wasn’t the first time she’d said that to him but he’d always managed to brush it aside. ‘I can’t ignore it any more, James. Or maybe I don’t want to. Please.’ She took his hand. ‘I’m your best friend, remember? I’m sorry I’ve been so self-absorbed for such a long time. Please tell me what’s wrong?’

  ‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m too tired to talk any more.’

  ‘So there is something.’ Tamsin was in interrogating mode and just for once he wished she’d put him first. ‘Please, James, I won’t be able to sleep now.’

  He just kept shaking his head. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘You can. You can tell me anything.’

  ‘You’ll hate me.’

  She knelt in front of him. ‘James, I could never hate you.’

  He saw surprise and worry in her face. ‘I’m sorry’ was the best he could manage.

  ‘I’m begging you, James. Please, tell me what’s on your mind. Whatever it is, we can handle it together.’

  ‘It’ll drive us apart.’ His voice cracked. He knew it was now or never.

  Tamsin looked shocked. ‘What are you saying?’ She searched his face. ‘You’re my whole life. Nothing in this world could ever drive us apart.’

  He bowed his head then and started to cry as he prepared to tell the woman he loved the one thing he knew would break her heart.

  28

  WILLIAM AND BETH

  THE PARTY WAS in full swing when William turned the key in the lock.

  ‘Daddy, you’re home.’ Winnie threw herself at him and William realized that his daughter was becoming more like Beth every day. He was surprised that he hadn’t noticed it in ages. ‘You’re missing it, it’s the best party ever.’ She twirled so he could see her dress and the eyes that sparkled up at him were exactly like her mother’s. ‘Do you love it?’ She had the same energy too, William realized, as he watched her dance around him.

  ‘Yes, I do indeed. You look terrific, darling, and I promise I’ll be at the best party ever in just a few minutes.’ He kissed the top of her head. ‘Have you been drinking?’ He pretended to smell her breath. ‘Is that why you’re spinning around so much?’

  ‘No, silly,’ she giggled adoringly at her daddy.

  ‘Good, now go find Mummy while I leave my briefcase in the study.’ He needed to shower before he greeted anyone.

  ‘Hi, Dad. How come you’re so late?’

  ‘Hi, Harry. I got caught up at the hospital.’ He dumped his stuff and quickly flicked through the post which Beth had stacked neatly on his desk.

  ‘As usual.’ The little boy sighed.

  ‘Don’t be cheeky.’ William was only half listening. ‘Your sister says I’m missing the best party ever, so how come you’re not in the thick of it?’

  ‘It’s OK, I suppose.’ Harry was not that easily impressed.

  ‘There you are, I thought you’d never get here.’ Beth put her flushed face around the door. ‘The place is heaving and you’ll never believe what happened to Audrey—’

  ‘Sorry, sorry, I know I’m late.’ He came to meet her halfway. ‘Who’s Audrey? Hey, you look great. New dress?’ He kissed her absently and took a mouthful of her champagne.

  ‘Yes.’ She too did a twirl, momentarily distracted. ‘What do you think? It cost a fortune.’

  ‘Worth every penny.’ He looked at her admiringly. She was a good-looking woman and tonight she positively sparkled. Beth liked it when he thought she looked good. He knew it mattered. Sometimes, if she put on a few pounds, it made her look older than him, even though she was two years younger. He remembered how depressed she’d been when a colleague of his had seemed surprised that she was the younger one. ‘He’s drunk, darling.’ William had smiled at her fury. ‘Ignore him.’

  Looking closely at her now, he saw that she was wearing more make-up and her hair was different. ‘What have you done to yourself?’

  ‘Like it?’ She pouted.

  ‘Love it.’ He slapped her bottom. ‘Keep it up and don’t go dipping into the cookie jar,’ he said, only half in jest.

  She didn’t appear to hear him. ‘I thought I’d better try to compete with all those young nurses.’ She grinned.

  ‘No worries there, my love,’ he told her truthfully. ‘Now, I need a shower and a drink, in that order. Give me fifteen minutes and I’m at your disposal for the entire evening.’

  ‘OK. Now don’t get upset but we’re a bit behind with the food. Audrey had an accident.’ She followed him up the stairs.

  ‘But it’s sorted, right? We do have food?’ He searched for his favourite shirt; it was important he looked extra good tonight. ‘Have you seen my blue Armani shirt? You did remember to collect it from the laundry?’

  ‘Yes.’ She pulled it down from the cupboard in the dressing room. ‘There.’ She smiled at him. ‘And of course we have food, but there was a bit of a panic earlier, I can tell you.’

  ‘So who’d you get?’

  ‘She organized it all, can you believe that? While she was waiting in A&E. Some of her staff. They’re working frantically in the kitchen as we speak.’

  ‘Great, well done.’

  ‘Only thing is, we could do with another pair of hands. I’m trying to supervise it all and I really need to be out there.’ She thought for a moment. ‘I don’t suppose you could pull a few strings with any of your corporate caterers? Get someone over, even for the next two hours?’

  ‘Are you mad? It
’s Friday night.’

  ‘I suppose . . . anyway,’ she turned away, ‘gotta go. Don’t be long.’ She disappeared with an animated Harry in hot pursuit. He’d come back to find his parents, impatient as always.

  ‘Actually, I just might be able to help.’ William had the most bizarre idea. He wanted to see her again and his wife had just given him an unexpected opportunity. ‘I’ll make a call or two,’ he told Beth, who’d popped her head back round the door. ‘Remember, Harry, bed by ten,’ he called after the child, who promptly let his pink tongue be seen by everyone except his father.

  Twenty minutes later William was immersed in the crowd, glass in hand, feeling very pleased with himself. He’d rung Lily and persuaded her to help them out. She was on her way over. William had a cock as hard as a conker just thinking about his wife and his potential mistress at the same party. And Beth had engineered it really, he convinced himself as soon as a doubt crept in. Besides, he’d scored a few Brownie points there as well. She was very impressed when he told her.

  William loved their annual autumn bash. It got the party season off to a good start – even though Christmas was over two months away – and gave them a chance to catch up with friends, some of whom they hadn’t seen since the summer holidays. Beth always had the house and gardens looking fantastic and tonight was no exception. She’d had a new lighting system installed outside and there were hundreds of candles in all the windows. It looked magical. William approved.

  They mingled effortlessly for an hour, then Beth grabbed some food and they surveyed the crowd. ‘Here, try this, it’s absolutely delicious.’ She smiled as she handed him his plate.

  ‘You know I detest coleslaw.’ William wrinkled his nose.

  ‘No onions and it’s homemade, you don’t often get that with caterers.’ Beth smiled at him with her fork halfway to her mouth. ‘Anyway, it goes beautifully with that rare beef. It’s got a bit of horseradish in it, I think. Try it, you’ll like it.’

  ‘Thanks.’ He tasted it and she was right. ‘That beef is very good, what’s that on the outside?’ He poked it with his fork.

  ‘A mushroom pâté thing – sort of like beef Wellington without the pastry.’ She kissed his cheek. ‘That caterer of yours is a genius, by the way. She walked in and had the kitchen organized within minutes. Even brought some stuff with her.’

  ‘Lily’s here? Already?’

  ‘Don’t look so surprised, you rang her, remember?’ his wife teased.

  ‘Sorry,’ he backtracked. ‘You know all this last-minute stuff always makes me a bit grumpy.’ He kissed her cheek. ‘I hate us not being prepared.’

  ‘I was prepared. The caterer had an accident, remember?’ Beth sounded annoyed at him, the last thing he needed right now. What he needed was to see Lily, who was only metres away, in his kitchen. Earlier in the week she hadn’t returned his call and he didn’t like it. William was used to being in control, and besides, he’d been feeling particularly horny these last few days.

  ‘Oh, I forgot – or at least didn’t have time to tell you – Noel and Triona have split up,’ Beth whispered in his ear just as he was about to make his escape. ‘Act normal, here she comes.’

  ‘Hello, William, avoiding me as usual.’ He saw Triona Ashurst’s breasts way before he saw her face. They were coffee-icing smooth, beautifully moulded and made of plastic.

  ‘Hi, Triona, nice to see you. How’ve you been?’

  ‘Not bad, considering my husband has just left me. I suppose you heard?’

  I’d have never married you in the first place, William thought. ‘Triona, I’m very sorry to hear that.’ He listened – attentively, he thought, considering her monotonous tone – for a minute or two, then glanced over her shoulder at a new arrival.

  ‘She’s older than me, can you believe it? A widow with two kids.’

  William noticed that Triona was slightly slurring her words. He nodded absently and was frantically trying to work out how to get away. Her next sentence brought him sharply back to the present.

  ‘Beth, darling, what would you do if you discovered William was having an affair?’ she asked.

  ‘He hasn’t time.’ Beth laughed. ‘The hospital is his mistress.’

  ‘What about one of his patients?’

  ‘He wouldn’t risk it, would you?’ She was surveying him with a contented, bordering on complacent smile. It was most unlike her, William thought now; she was the least smug person he knew. He shot her what he hoped was a warning look: there was no way he wanted to aggravate this woman with the mad eyes any further. He’d never liked her, even when she was sober.

  ‘You’re a fool if that’s what you think.’ Triona was leaning towards him. ‘William is a very attractive man. He must have women throwing themselves at him every day of the week.’

  ‘Chance would be a fine thing.’ William tried to humour her. ‘So, Triona, when did all this happen?’ He couldn’t have cared less but she launched into a rambling tirade and William nodded occasionally and scanned the room every few seconds, hoping to catch a glimpse of Lily.

  ‘Why don’t I get you some food?’ Beth interrupted as soon as her friend paused for breath.

  William sighed with relief. The woman really was a gigantic pain in the butt, he didn’t know why his wife was so fond of her.

  ‘See you later.’ Beth linked her arm through her friend’s and guided her gently towards the buffet in the next room.

  William was then forced to be charming to the daughter of one of their oldest friends as he made his way to the kitchen. Mind you, this time it was no hardship. Isabel Harpur was like a sparkler in a field full of soggy fireworks. She fizzled away and outshone every other woman, even though she wasn’t particularly beautiful. It was her youth, William knew at once, and the thought only irritated him further. There was nothing good about getting older, he decided, signalling a passing waiter to refill his glass.

  ‘I saw you looking at my breasts earlier.’ Triona was back.

  ‘Hard not to.’ William’s heart sank. He tapped her nose in a playful gesture and tried to be charming. ‘You look lovely, Triona.’

  ‘How lovely?’

  ‘Gorgeous.’ He wasn’t going to waste much more time on this.

  ‘I’d like to fuck you, William Hammond.’

  He glanced around nervously and laughed to show he wasn’t taking her seriously.

  ‘You’re always so in control, I’d like you to dominate me for a night and give me a good seeing-to.’

  William hoped he didn’t look as nauseous as he felt. The woman had simply no idea. He’d rather service their fifty-nine-year-old cleaning lady with the moustache.

  ‘How about it, big boy? Wouldn’t you like it too?’

  ‘Frankly, no.’ He’d had enough. He didn’t know which offended him more, the fact that she thought so little of Beth or the fact that she thought so little of him. ‘Excuse me, Triona, I see someone I need to talk to.’ He turned and almost collided with a young woman wearing a simple black dress and her hair in a pony tail.

  ‘Hello,’ she said shyly.

  ‘Lily.’ She had caught him off guard, even though he was en route to see her. ‘I was just on my way to find you.’ He glanced around quickly to check on his wife, then on Triona. It was just the sort of thing that bitch would latch on to in a second.

  ‘Well, here I am.’ She grinned up at him.

  ‘And you may just have saved my life,’ he teased, trying hard not to appear overexcited at her being here, in his house.

  ‘Actually, you won’t believe this, but Audrey and I fill in for each other all the time. She was my replacement when Alison died. She covered for me for two weeks at very short notice so I’ve been trying to repay her anyway.’ She looked around. ‘So, how was the food?’

  ‘Hello there.’ Beth was back. ‘I see you two have met?’ She beamed at Lily. ‘Of course you know each other already. Hospital parties, I presume?’ She was completely relaxed.

  ‘Yes, and . . . th
rough my sister,’ Lily explained. ‘She was one of his . . . patients.’ She smiled at Beth and William hoped she wasn’t going to say too much.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope it wasn’t serious.’ Beth didn’t wait for a reply, which was unlike her. ‘By the way, the food was divine, I really must get your number.’

  ‘I did nothing, honestly. I’ll give you my card, of course, but I don’t want to muscle in on Audrey’s territory . . .’

  ‘Nonsense. You arrived at exactly the right moment. And you brought food, I saw it.’

  ‘Just a few bits I always have in my store cupboard. We didn’t even need them, Audrey had everything organized.’

  ‘And I must sort out money with you.’ William decided to take control at last. ‘Perhaps if you leave your card with me?’

  ‘Yes, certainly. And don’t worry about money tonight, I’ll send you a bill.’

  ‘I wouldn’t hear of it,’ Beth told her. ‘You saved our lives.’

  Lily tried to object again, William noticed, but his wife was on a high.

  ‘The least we can do is pay you immediately,’ she insisted.

  ‘So, can I get you a glass of champagne to say thanks?’ William tried to steer her away.

  ‘No, I’m driving and I never drink when I’m working, but thank you anyway. It seems like a great party. The house is beautiful.’

  ‘Thank you, Lily, it’s very nice of you to say so.’ Beth was delighted. She turned to her husband. ‘William, why don’t I look after Lily? My cheque book is in the study. There’s Andrew Haslam, darling, he’s asked me twice where you were and I think he’s about to leave. Now, if you’ll come with me, Lily, and don’t let me forget your card.’ Beth turned away.

  ‘Goodnight.’ Lily smiled at him.

  ‘Goodnight and thank you again.’ It was not what William wanted to say to her. Damn Beth anyway, she never normally bothered about this sort of thing. He could have persuaded Lily to have one glass and kept her chatting and found out a bit more about what was happening in her life. Still, the last thing he wanted was his wife getting suspicious so he gave in gracefully, but he couldn’t shake the vague, uneasy feeling that followed him around afterwards. Having her here, out of the blue – and after he’d been thinking so much about her – made him want her even more than before.