Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘It was.’

  ‘Were you very close?’

  ‘Yes, we were twins, did you know that?’

  She nodded and her face was sad.

  ‘I told her all my secrets. She was like my mother and my sister and my best friend all rolled into one.’ I looked at this stranger and she had tears in her eyes.

  ‘James said your sister was a good person,’ she said as if she’d read my thought. ‘He also said she was very special to him. It hurt me to hear it, actually.’

  ‘She was special, yes. I miss her a lot.’

  ‘So who’s looking after you in all this?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m OK.’ It was my stock answer.

  ‘Are your parents alive?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You poor girl. What an extraordinary thing to have to deal with on your own.’

  ‘I have friends.’ I didn’t want her pity.

  ‘I don’t doubt it.’ She smiled at me. ‘But have you someone you can talk to, tell everything to, I mean?’

  I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak.

  ‘I can recommend someone,’ she whispered. ‘If you ever need help – professional help, I mean.’

  Again I shook my head. ‘Thanks, but I’m fine. Really.’

  ‘That’s a lot to deal with at once.’

  We were both lost in thought then. ‘More coffee?’ I asked eventually. I needed to lighten the mood.

  ‘Yes, please.’ She took my cue immediately and I went to the bar. I needed to escape for a bit.

  ‘Lily,’ she said after I’d settled down again. ‘James and I, we have a lot to sort out between us. But we’re talking, at least, and now I’m really listening. Even though at times I’m so angry with him I want to . . . oh, I don’t know, hurt him the way he’s hurt me, I suppose.’

  ‘You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t.’

  ‘But I couldn’t ever hurt him, not deliberately. I’d rather die myself than cause him pain.’ It was a dramatic statement, but it wasn’t said with any drama.

  ‘You must love him an awful lot?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Does he love you back? The same way, I mean?’

  ‘Yes, I believe he does.’

  ‘You’re lucky, so.’

  ‘I know.’ She looked me straight in the eye. ‘There’s something I need to ask you. The main reason I wanted to talk to you alone this evening. And I don’t expect an answer now, all I ask is that you give it some consideration. Would that be OK?’

  ‘OK.’ I hoped I didn’t sound as apprehensive as I felt.

  ‘It’s about your sister’s baby.’

  ‘What about him?’

  ‘From what James told me, it appears that there’s at least a chance that this child could be his.’ She must have seen the question mark go ‘ping’ on my face as I wondered where this was leading. I sat up straight.

  ‘The dates match.’ Her voice was very soft. ‘And I understand there was . . . an incident . . . an accident,’ she clarified, ‘on one occasion.’

  This was news to me. My heart started beating wildly. Could this woman have the answer I was searching for?

  ‘I also know the child is living in the country, with your aunt?’

  ‘Only temporarily.’ I was immediately on the defensive.

  She nodded and leaned in ever so slightly. ‘Lily, I’m desperate for a child of my own.’ I saw her bottom lip wobble and I watched as she tried to control it, as if she didn’t want to play the sympathy card. ‘Please just hear me out,’ she said, even though I’d made no attempt to do otherwise. ‘I’d . . . James and I . . . we’d like to . . . give him a good home. We’d take great care of him. I’d love him as if he was my own.’ She couldn’t quite control the tremor in her voice. ‘Please, would you at least think about letting us adopt him?’

  36

  JAMES AND TAMSIN

  ‘YOU DID WHAT?’

  ‘I went to see her. I . . . needed to.’ She shrugged. ‘And I knew if I’d told you you’d have tried to stop me.’

  ‘And you used my phone to set it up?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘This is outrageous. I can’t believe you would do such a thing. And behind my back . . . Christ, Tamsin, what were you thinking of?’

  ‘You went behind my back in the first place,’ she said and he knew he’d asked for that. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,’ she said immediately.

  ‘Yes, you did, but I deserved it,’ James told her grudgingly.

  ‘I liked her,’ Tamsin said.

  ‘So do I.’

  ‘Is she very like her sister?’

  ‘In looks, yes.’ He thought about it, not wanting to upset Tamsin any more than he had to. ‘In terms of personality they’re completely different.’

  ‘She’s beautiful. I was jealous,’ Tamsin said softly.

  ‘You’ve no need to be.’ He sighed and gave her a hug.

  ‘I spoke to her about the child.’ She felt she might as well get it over with.

  ‘You what?’ James felt sure he was hearing her wrong.

  ‘I asked if she would consider letting us adopt him.’ Tamsin never took her eyes off his face.

  ‘What did she say?’ He couldn’t quite take it in.

  ‘Not much. Well, she said no, of course, but that doesn’t mean she meant it.’ Tamsin was matter-of-fact. ‘She cried a little. It wasn’t me . . . I didn’t . . . I mean, I was very gentle in my approach.’ She saw his reaction.

  ‘I don’t believe what you’re telling me.’ He backed away from her then as if he’d been scalded. ‘Tamsin, no, tell me you didn’t?’

  ‘James, I had to.’ Her voice was pleading.

  ‘Maybe,’ he said after a long time. He was trying hard to see it from her point of view. ‘But I can’t believe you did it without talking to me about it first.’

  ‘I wasn’t even sure I was going to have the courage to do it, until I met her.’ Tamsin was staring at him. ‘But I sensed something. She was, I don’t know – sympathetic, maybe – guilty, vulnerable even, I’m not really sure. But I just felt the moment was right . . .’

  ‘But did it never cross your mind to see how I felt about it first?’ James was trying very hard to understand. ‘We hadn’t even discussed it, Tamsin.’

  ‘We had, in a way.’ He waited for her to explain. ‘I asked you if there was any possibility the child could be yours . . .’

  ‘Yes, so?’

  ‘And you told me that you used condoms . . . with her . . . except for that one time . . .’

  ‘When it broke.’ He hated her having to hear it again but she’d been adamant about wanting to know every detail, and they’d exhausted the topic many times in the past few weeks.

  ‘Yes, and then I asked you what age he was.’

  ‘I remember, but I was guessing, really.’

  ‘Don’t say that.’ His wife jumped up. ‘You said it was a couple of months after that that she went missing – to look after her aunt, or something. And in the newspapers it said—’

  ‘In the papers it said he was anything from three to five and a half, as I recall,’ James told her.

  ‘Please, James, he’s the right age . . .’

  ‘It’s a million-to-one chance, though. I don’t know how many other men she was seeing at the time.’ He saw her wince and was sorry. ‘Tamsin, we have to be realistic about this.’

  ‘Please don’t.’ She started to cry. ‘Don’t kill what little hope I have.’

  He was at her side in an instant. ‘Oh darling, I’m sorry.’ He cradled her in his arms. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m so sorry, really I am.’

  ‘James.’ She took out a tissue and blew her nose. ‘This could be our only chance . . .’

  ‘Tamsin, we can’t take a baby out of its home, away from its family, just because . . .’

  ‘He’s in the country.’ She had a look in her eyes he hadn’t seen before. ‘With an elderly aunt, you said so yourself. She’
s young, she doesn’t want him ruining her life . . .’

  ‘She’s the same age as his mother was,’ he said quietly.

  ‘But she can have other children – her own family – in years to come. For now she wants to concentrate on the business, she told me so.’

  ‘I know, I know.’ He stroked her hair. ‘But listen to me, love. You have to understand, this is not as straightforward as you think, that’s all I’m saying. It’s a massive gamble. We haven’t even seen the child.’ He looked at her desperate face and wild eyes and was afraid for them both.

  ‘James, we have to try. He could be your son.’ She took his hands in her own. ‘And I’d love him as if he were mine, I promise.’ She was crying again.

  ‘I know you would.’ He started to cry with her. ‘I know you’d make a wonderful mother. He’d be the luckiest little boy alive.’

  ‘Then please, I beg you, go with me on this. Our only hope is if we’re together on it.’

  ‘Oh God, Tamsin, I’m not sure I can do this. I would do anything, anything in my power to give you the child you so badly want.’ He shook his head. ‘But not this. It’s not right.’

  ‘Please.’ She knelt down beside him. ‘She didn’t say no outright.’

  He shook his head.

  ‘Please, James, I’m begging you. I’ll do anything.’

  ‘Shush, it’ll be OK.’ He never could hold out against her. ‘Let’s just see what she says.’

  37

  LILY

  EVERYONE KNEW I was upset about something over the next few days, they just didn’t quite realize how annoyed I was. Years of living with an angry father meant I was used to keeping my temper in check. Ali had taught me well, yet now my anger was on her behalf. It bubbled up each time I thought about Tamsin’s ‘proposal’, which had come as a huge shock, on top of everything else. There was so much to go over in my head, too much actually, so for a while I tried to block it out completely.

  My fling with Kevin Daly came to an abrupt end just as I realized it had been a big mistake. The truth was that I was in danger of being bored to death. The man was completely self-absorbed, to the point of obsession. He asked me several times a day what I thought of his hair, clothes, new car. He lived either in the gym or my flat, it seemed, and I was beginning to actually feel like a pig, he called me ‘babe’ so often.

  I found him glancing at the wedding invitation – adorned with pictures of Richard and Daisy as babies – when I got upstairs to the flat very late for the second night in a row.

  ‘How did you get in?’ I asked.

  ‘Violet gave me the key.’ He reached out to stroke my leg as he lay on the couch watching sport on TV. ‘Are we going, babe?’ He held up the invite.

  ‘I don’t know.’ I was playing for time. ‘It only arrived this morning.’

  ‘I’ve been thinking.’ He pulled me down beside him. Now there’s a novelty, I thought uncharitably.

  ‘What about?’ I smiled sweetly.

  ‘We should think about it – getting hitched, I mean.’ He planted a lingering kiss on my open mouth.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ I waited for him to shout ‘Gotcha’ or something, but then saw he wasn’t teasing. I closed my mouth – eventually – and did the only thing I could think of. I ignored it completely.

  ‘Have you eaten?’ I jumped up, all smiles.

  ‘Yep. Orla rustled me up a plate of something or other. Not bad, but the pastry on the beef was a bit dry.’

  It was the final straw, I later realized, but my brain hadn’t quite registered that yet.

  ‘Where was I?’ I asked, amazed at his neck.

  ‘Out picking up flowers or something, Violet said. Anyway I was ravenous, so it plugged a hole.’ He got up. ‘Glass of wine?’ he drawled, strolling over to my wine rack and taking out my crystal glasses. ‘So, what do you think?’ he asked as he fiddled about looking for a corkscrew.

  ‘You’re not serious?’ I had hoped to avoid this for now, at least. My mind was too full of James and Tamsin and my latest fear of losing Charlie to them. This was all getting so complicated that I needed a shrink, not a husband.

  ‘Yeah, why not?’ He pulled the cork without even looking at the label. ‘We make a great team.’ He glanced at himself in the mirror as he walked over to where I had plopped back down on the couch before I fainted. ‘And you’re a tiger in the sack.’ He kissed me again. ‘Grrrr,’ he growled, stroking my thigh after handing me a glass of wine, which at this point I practically downed in one.

  ‘Kevin.’ I choked. ‘I think we need to talk . . .’

  ‘Later maybe?’ He was groping me again and I wondered what on earth I’d ever seen in him.

  ‘Kevin, I . . . eh, perhaps you’d better go’ was what came out of my mouth then, but all I could think of was How did I get myself into this? Imagine, to think I could have seriously damaged my relationship with Orla over him. I was a plonker, that’s what I was.

  ‘Hey, babe, chill, come on. Let’s go to bed.’ He got up and tried to take my glass, but I was clutching it very hard. ‘We can talk about this later.’ He treated me to a lazy grin.

  ‘No.’ It was the first sensible thing I’d said. ‘Kevin, I’m sorry, it’s been fun, really . . . but . . . I think we’ve reached the end of the road.’ And a very short road it was too.

  ‘Don’t be silly, we haven’t even started,’ he said but I think the penny had finally dropped.

  ‘I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me.’ I delivered the classic line. ‘After all that’s happened I think I may have rushed into a relationship and—’

  He must have seen something in my face and decided I was deadly serious. ‘Fuck you.’ He put down his glass. It was the first time I’d seen him angry.

  ‘Kevin, I’m sorry . . . It’s just that, with Charlie and everything, I’m not really ready right now.’

  ‘Hey, listen, it’s been fun.’ He completely changed tack. ‘I understand.’ He looked around for his car keys and bent to pick them up off the floor.

  ‘No hard feelings then?’ I asked tentatively.

  ‘Nope,’ he said casually without looking at me. ‘So, I guess I’ll see you around?’ He picked up his gym bag.

  Not if I see you first, was what Sally would have said. ‘Sure,’ I said trying to smile.

  ‘Anyway, you know what I said earlier about you being good in the sack.’ He leaned over and kissed me lightly before heading for the door.

  I sensed I wasn’t meant to answer that one.

  ‘Well.’ He paused with his hand on the doorknob and turned to face me. ‘You’re not as good as your sister.’

  Next morning I was up even before what birds were left about the place started singing for their winter breakfast. The ovens were on and coffee was bubbling long before Orla and Violet staggered in around seven. This morning I even had the first batch of cherry scones and crumpets baking by six thirty and the sesame bagels were standing by.

  My anger was directed at everyone I knew, except, of course, Charlie, and the girls and Aunt Milly. Oh and Daniel Williams. He and I had become friends and if he hadn’t been involved with Ali first I’d have been more encouraging. As it was, I had to fight against the growing attraction I felt each time I saw him.

  He on the other hand was showing no signs of regarding me as anything other than a good pal. In some ways we were very alike: both engrossed in new projects, both very driven. For him his father’s death had been the catalyst, for me Alison’s. And I now had a child to consider. Daniel was the only one who seemed to understand the enormity of that.

  Sometimes we had soup with warm bread and cheese and a glass of red when the café closed; other times we went out to the myriad new eating places that had sprung up all over the south-east of Ireland. He never once mentioned Kevin, and neither did the girls, following one fleeting comment from Orla the day after the fiasco in my flat, which almost resulted in her finger being severed on my chopping board. She had obviously told Sally too, because sh
e was leaving ‘Has Kevin “the body” Daly finally bitten the dust’-type messages on my mobile.

  In some respects Daniel had replaced Richard in my life, and funnily enough I’d no regrets where he was concerned. Thinking of Richard now, even in passing, focused the anger that had been bubbling under the surface since my conversation with Tamsin – and which had reached boiling point when Kevin Daly had delivered his parting shot. All these men with their perfect lives. Had Alison meant anything to any of them? I wondered again and again.

  The aforementioned Richard had his model girlfriend who was so carefree she made me feel old just being in the same room as her. All that and a fairytale winter wedding to look forward to.

  I was also pissed off with James, for wanting the gorgeous little boy, all that I had left of my sister. And I envied James and Tamsin because of the invisible bond that held them together even in the midst of a crisis like this. It was yet another perfect relationship haunting me. I was annoyed at Dave Madden too, for dropping me completely after having promised to help with the café. I’d never heard a word from him after that night in the hotel, when he as good as asked me to go to bed with him. Probably too busy with his wife and his very own twin daughters. And then there was William, who seemed to believe he could buy me with trips to Paris – a sort of instant replacement for my dead sister. And as for Kevin Daly, well, he’d just waltzed straight into my life and my bed on the same night. All pretty sussed lives, I couldn’t help thinking.

  ‘I forgot to tell you,’ Violet said the following morning as she hung up her coat after collecting the papers, ‘your aunt Milly called yesterday. Orla spoke to her.’

  ‘Who’s taking my name in vain?’ Orla was helped inside by an icy gust and shook herself like a puppy after a bath. ‘Have you noticed the hills today? They look all sparkly with frost,’ she said, bursting with the energy that walking to work brings.