Is This All There Is?

by Mann, Patricia

  The woman next to her chimed in as she braided her daughter’s stringy auburn hair. “What’s wrong with them? Don’t they have any common sense? If you’re home alone with a baby for four hours, helloooo, you’re going to have to change a diaper.” Heads nodded in disgust and disappointment, except for Jill’s. She saw me hovering awkwardly and motioned for me to join her on her blanket. I set Jack down and whispered, “thanks.” She cleared her throat to get the group’s attention.

  “Everyone, this is Beth and Jack. They live down the street from us.” I still wasn’t sure why she invited me, but I was glad. I didn’t know her well, but what I did know, I liked. She seemed relaxed and comfortable with herself. And watching her with the other mothers in the playgroup, I could see there was something different about her. She seemed to get bored with the debate over whether caffeine made you more or less tired at about the same time I did. That’s when she turned to me and nodded toward the sandbox. No one seemed to notice as we grabbed our sons and slipped away. She lowered a bright red bucket full of sand toys in front of the boys and instructed her son James to “play nice and share.”

  “How come you don’t join in when the women complain about their husbands?” I asked. “Did you get lucky and get one of those rare breeds who does everything right?”

  She laughed as she intercepted her son’s hand just as he was about to plop a sow bug into his mouth.

  “No. My husband’s just like everyone else’s. But I don’t let it get to me.”

  “Really? Isn’t that hard?”

  “No, not at all. I just, you know, keep myself busy with other things.”

  There was a strange tone in her voice and her smile was too big. I didn’t know her well enough to be sure, but I got the distinct feeling she had a secret she was dying to tell someone. It reminded me of the day Sam came home and announced that someone at school had done something really bad and was in big trouble, but he wasn’t going to tell me who or what. I had to pry it out of him and he loved every minute of it.

  “What kinds of things do you keep yourself busy with?” I was careful to make sure I sounded open to any answer.

  She cocked her head to look over my shoulder, making sure the other women were out of earshot.

  “Listen, this might sound weird,” she said, “but even though we’ve never really talked much, I’ve just always had this feeling that you were an understanding person, you know not judgmental or uptight like… ” She looked in the direction of the group again.

  “Well thanks. That’s how I try to be. And it doesn’t sound weird. In fact, I’ve always had that feeling about you, too. That’s why I showed up. Playgroups aren’t normally my thing, but, I figured if you were gonna be here, it might not be so bad.”

  There was an awkward pause. The communication professor couldn’t figure out how to ask the question she already knew the answer to.

  “What I meant when I said I keep myself busy was… ”

  I kept my facial expression neutral but encouraging. Now I knew for sure.

  “I have a friend.” She sighed with relief immediately after saying it.

  I nodded.

  “I see. So what’s his name?”

  Her lower lip disappeared beneath the top one and I knew she was in deep.

  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jack poised to bop James over the head with a plastic shovel but I grabbed his wrist just in time.

  “Jack, do you want to leave the park and go back home right now?”

  He gave me a sheepish look and used the shovel to scoop up sand and pour it into the bucket with great care, showing me that he was now going to use it for its proper purpose only.

  When I turned back to Jill, she was fiddling with her cell phone, seemingly unaware of my child’s recent threat to hers.

  She held the phone out for me to see, a picture of a man’s face filling the screen. He had long thick hair and wild eyes.

  “That’s Kent.”

  He looked a little creepy to me, but I knew the role I was supposed to play.

  “He’s a cutie. Nice hair.”

  “I know. Oh my God, he’s so… amazing. He’s a stay at home dad, so we meet up with our kids sometimes. We just click, we get along so well, everything’s so easy with him. He just… gets me, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know.” She searched my face and I regretted saying those words with so much emphasis.

  “So when you meet up with the kids, do you… ” I couldn’t find words.

  “No, oh no, of course not. Our kids are friends, they play really well together. So we have playdates.”

  I nodded, trying to figure out the missing piece.

  “So then when do you? I mean how… ”

  She looked around her in every direction and then down at the kids. They were covered in sand that we’d no doubt still be finding in crevices days later, but they were content.

  “Well, Mark thinks I’m in a church choir. And Kent’s wife thinks he’s in a softball league. She doesn’t really care where he goes or what he does. She’s always working. Doesn’t even appreciate what a great guy she has.”

  I tried not to make my cringe visible. I wanted to remain the understanding, non-judgmental person Jill had described earlier, but it was becoming more difficult.

  She stared at me for a few seconds.

  “So do you, you know, have a friend too?”

  I must have looked like the proverbial deer caught in headlights.

  “Why would you think? I mean, what is it about me that would make you… ”

  She looked over at the other women, who were passing around large bags of Doritos and chocolate chip cookies.

  “Come on, Beth.”

  I looked at the playgroup women then I looked back at Jill. Somehow the difference hadn’t been so glaring before. They wore extra large jogging suits and she wore nice fitting jeans in some small size. A few of them looked as if their hair hadn’t been washed in days while Jill’s was soft and shiny. She wasn’t terribly attractive, with her thin lips and moon shaped face, but she did the best she could with what she had, and she definitely had a charged sexual energy, if you were open to picking up on it.

  She leaned toward me. “I saw you and your husband at the block party.”

  My eyes narrowed and she picked up on my concern.

  “Don’t worry. I’m sure no one else noticed. But I can see the signs. He was short with you because you forgot the napkins and asked him to run back to the house for them. And for the rest of the party, he hung out with the guys drinking beer and ignoring you and the kids. I know because my husband did the same thing.”

  Wow, she’s good, I thought. Still, I wasn’t quite ready to divulge my secret.

  “And you’re so pretty. I know you must have, you know, opportunities.”

  That was all it took.

  “Well there is sort of someone. But it’s nothing like what you… you know like you and Kent.”

  Her eyes widened.

  “Well then what is it like?”

  “We only kissed once. A week ago, actually. I was drunk. It wasn’t really a big deal.”

  She moved closer to me again. “Are you going to see him again?”

  “I don’t know. He wants to. He’s been emailing me, but I don’t think so.”

  “Why not? Was he a bad kisser?”

  I closed my eyes and exhaled, my chest swelling with emotion.

  She smiled.

  “That good, huh?”

  “Yeah. To be honest, I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to see him again so bad I can’t stand it. But it’s not right.”

  She shook her head. “It’s not right? Why not? Who would it hurt? If it makes you happy, if it makes you feel good, then it’s good for everyone.”

  “I don’t know. I guess it’s different for me. I’m not relaxed enough to do something like that. I think it’s great that you… ” I noticed that Jill’s eyes had become huge with warning but still I practically jumped out of my s
kin when one of the playgroup moms snuck up behind me with a rosy-cheeked cherub in her arms.

  “What are you two girls telling secrets about over here?”

  We giggled and pretended to be gossiping about one of our neighbors, but I don’t think we were very convincing.

  Jill and James walked Jack and me to our car after everyone else was gone. We programmed each other’s numbers into our cell phones.

  “Call me anytime you want to talk, Beth. I’d really like to hear what you decide to do about your little situation. So let me know, okay?”

  I smiled and nodded. Suddenly I was back in fourth grade, absorbed by the giddy thrill of having confessed my first crush to my new best friend.

  Chapter 12

  I walked briskly down the hall, running late for my office hours as usual. Associate Professor Ivy Mitchell didn’t seem to notice my pace as she stopped right in front of me to chat. Her loose strawberry blond curling iron curls landed just above her perky breasts.

  “You know, you look great Beth. Something’s really different about you. What is it?”

  I thought about how strange it was that she was in a position so senior to me, yet she had to be at least eight years younger.

  “Well I’ve been doing this detox thing for a couple of weeks and exercising more, got one of those baby joggers. Jack, my little one, loves it. But I really gotta… ”

  “A baby jogger. What a great idea. It must be so hard for you to fit everything in… I barely make it to the gym four times a week and I don’t even have kids or a... ” I tuned out as my eyes landed on her flat stomach and tiny waist, visible even under her long flowery dress.

  As she went on, I nodded and peeked around her to see two students waiting outside my office door.

  “Ivy, I really need to… ”

  “Yeah, I know. Never enough time. We should grab lunch together sometime.”

  “Lunch. Yeah. Sounds great. I’ll email you.”

  In a year of working together and chatting in the hall, Ivy had never invited me to lunch before.

  Myra Lipton was having trouble understanding why she received a D on her term project. She was devastated. I was about to explain that her paper had no central thesis and didn’t make any sense when I saw tears welling up in her eyes. So I chose less direct and probably less helpful ways of identifying the fatal errors in her work. As we pored over the document, the splashes of red started to meld together. My heart ached for her because I knew this was not her failure but that of her early teachers. Just as I was raving about the tutors at the campus writing lab, there was a knock on the open office door. I turned to see who it was and felt the color draining from my skin as his face came into focus.

  “Hi Professor Thomas, I wanted to ask you about your business communication class next semester. I’ll wait in the hall till you’re done.” I couldn’t speak. I was terrified that Myra could hear my heart thumping against my chest.

  But I realized she was more concerned about her own appearance as she quickly wiped a tear mixed with black mascara from her check. “No, it’s okay, I was just heading to the writing lab. Thanks Professor Thomas.”

  She gathered her things and disappeared. Dave didn’t move from the doorway.

  “You… you look different. Even more beautiful.”

  “What are you doing here?” I whispered.

  His soft hair had been trimmed, making him look a little older and more clean-cut.

  “I told you, I’m thinking of taking your business communication class.”

  The sense of dread rose from my chest to my throat and I wondered if old Professor Kramer could hear us from his office two doors down. I suspected that he couldn’t since his students had to yell at the top of their lungs when they were sitting right next to him.

  Dave waited. His nervous half smile brought his dimple to life and I had to look away. I took a deep breath and turned back toward him.

  “You can’t take my class.” I mouthed the words slowly since my voice was barely audible.

  “Why not?”

  I felt lightheaded as I gazed at the family picture on my desk. The four of us crouched together with fake smiles and pink sun drenched faces in front of the Legoland sign.

  “You need to leave. Please.”

  I imagined another student standing outside the doorway taking notes for the school paper.

  “No. We need to talk.”

  My office was suddenly a prison cell I had to escape from.

  “I only have an hour till my class starts.”

  I scribbled a note reading “Office hours for Professor Thomas canceled today” and taped it to the door. We left the building and made our way toward the faculty parking lot making clumsy small talk about his classes in case anyone was listening. I prayed that no one I knew saw us getting into my car together. As I glanced in the rearview mirror before pulling out, my eyes were drawn to the red Hot Wheels car sitting in Jack’s car seat and my stomach turned.

  “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you,” he said.

  I was equally furious and flattered. I felt his eyes on me but I kept mine on the road.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to talk… and you wouldn’t answer any of my… ” I skidded into the parking lot of a nearby playground. I tried to regulate my breathing as I stared at the lush green hills and the trees swaying in the breeze.

  I continued to keep my eyes focused straight ahead as I spoke.

  “You’re twenty-one, right?”

  “Almost twenty-two.”

  “How old do you think I am?”

  “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”

  “You have no idea who I am. You don’t know a thing about me.”

  “I know more than you think.”

  “Like what?”

  “I know you’re a brilliant teacher. When you’re up there in front of the class, you’re passionate and funny and… ”

  “The way I teach? That’s what makes you think you know me? Because of something I do for a few hours a week?”

  “Wait, you’re not letting me… ”

  “All my students think they know me, but they don’t. None of your professors really let you in. If you only knew the things I know about them.” I was trying my best to sound cynical and disinterested but his fascination with me was intoxicating. I felt his eyes searing through the side of my head. I cranked up the air conditioning, even though it was a cool day.

  “Okay, fine, so maybe I’m a good teacher. What makes you think you know anything more about me than that?” From the corner of my eye, I saw a mischievous grin slowly spread across his face. A rush of warmth coursed through my body. For the first time, I looked directly into the piercing green eyes I had dreamed about every night of the two weeks since our kiss.

  “So you think you know me because… because we… I mean because I… I’m sure you’ve done that with lots of girls you barely knew.” The grin disappeared and his expression turned serious.

  “That’s exactly it. I have done that with a lot of girls, but this was different.” I clasped my hands together to try to stop them from shaking.

  “We just had too much to drink.” I grabbed the half empty water bottle in my cup holder and drained it.

  “That’s bullshit. I know when there’s something more there, some kind of chemistry.”

  “So there’s chemistry between us, so what? There are more important things in life.”

  “I know there are. I know that.”

  I laughed. “You’re only twenty-one, you couldn’t possibly know what’s important to someone like me.”

  “I think I do. Will you give me a chance to finish answering your question about what I know about you?” I nodded with reluctance.

  He paused and looked deep into my eyes.

  “You’re trying to remember who you were.”

  I turned away from him and blinked a few times to hold back tears.

  “What do you want from me?”

>   “I don’t want anything from you. Maybe I want to give you something.”

  “Give me what?”

  “Some fun, some attention, some pleasure. You deserve it.”

  The air conditioning was too much. I rubbed my arms and turned it off. The words swirled around in my head over and over. Fun. Attention. Pleasure. I saw Rick gazing into my eyes and brushing a strand of hair off my forehead over an empty bottle of wine at a sidewalk café in Paris after a day at the Louvre. It was one of those moments when time stops and you know the memory will be etched in your mind forever. But it was so long ago. Before the kids.

  A white minivan parked right next to mine, jarring me out of my daydream. We both watched as the young mother helped her toddler out of the car and lifted him onto a swing. Her distant eyes looked up at the sky as her hands shifted into autopilot. Push. Wait. Push. Wait. Push. Wait.

  “Do you have any idea how much I love my children?”

  “Yes, I think I do.”

  “How could you?”

  “Okay, so maybe I don’t, but this doesn’t have to have anything to do with them. Let me be your escape. We can have something completely separate. Something that’s just for you. Anything you want.” I tried to wrap my mind around the idea. It was exhilarating and terrifying. I thought about Jill and wondered if she felt all the things I was now feeling when she started her “friendship” with Kent. I wondered how many other women had been in this position and how many would have the fortitude to turn down an offer like this.

  I imagined what it would be like. My mother wanted to spend more time with the boys. Rick paid no attention to what I did when he wasn’t around. And truth be told, he wasn’t around much anyway. I could have an affair. I could take off for two or three hours at a time without arousing any suspicion. But no, I told myself. This is not who I am. I couldn’t live with myself.

  Dave seemed to be struggling to find a way to sell me on his outrageous proposal.

  “We can take it slow, very slow, I promise. Just let me get to know you better. Just a little bit of time together, here and there, whenever you can.”