Is This All There Is?

by Mann, Patricia

  He stroked my arm with his fingers and I closed my eyes. My body was screaming yes but my head wouldn’t allow me to say it.

  He moved his hand from my arm to the side of my neck and then to my cheek. He gently caressed my face and pulled me toward him. I kept my eyes closed as if as long as I couldn’t see anything, I wasn’t taking part in what was happening. He brushed his lips against mine and I didn’t move. He pressed a little harder and I responded. This time our tongues found each other right away. But the kiss was slower, more gentle than the first time. As I had feared, it was even better without the alcohol. Tingles ran up and down my legs. This felt more like love to me, like a true soul connection. But I knew it couldn’t be. Still, I was again powerless over the energy between us.

  I escaped into his soft lips and sweet minty taste. I nuzzled my face into his neck and inhaled the apple shampoo that I hadn’t been able to find in any store. He stroked my arm and made no attempt to touch me anywhere else as we kissed. We each stayed glued to our own seats, stretching our necks to keep our faces locked together. I started to believe that maybe he meant it when he said we could take it slow. Maybe we really could have just this, just these delicious kisses and nothing more. But I knew it wasn’t possible. In time, he would want more. I would want more. I realized the windows were fogging up as I pulled away and looked at my watch.

  “Shit.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “My class starts in ten minutes. I never thought this would… I didn’t mean to… ”

  “I know you didn’t. Let’s go. You’ll make it in time. And we’ll see each other again soon.” Those words created a mixture of anticipation and anxiety.

  I raced back to school and pulled into the parking lot.

  “Please don’t come to my office again.”

  “I won’t. But I will be in touch.”

  I gave him an almost imperceptible nod of approval, and he winked as he got out of the car. I drew in as much air as I could through my nose and hoped his scrumptious scent would still be there when my class was over.

  Chapter 13

  As soon as I got into my car, I called Jill. She left James and his older brother Henry with her husband, telling him she wanted to take a walk around the block.

  “He came to see me at school this afternoon. He surprised me. I thought I would have a heart attack.”

  “No way. What happened?”

  Somehow telling her the whole story and having her hang on every word made me feel, at least for the moment, that it was all normal, acceptable. When I finished, she filled me in on the latest with her and Kent.

  “He told me he’s in love with me.”

  “Wow, you guys are getting pretty serious. You’re not thinking of… ”

  “Oh no. Neither of us could ever leave our spouses. We love our kids too much.”

  I couldn’t help but remember that Jill and Kent both did not work. I had to wonder if it was really about the kids or if they weren’t willing to give up the free ride they were getting from the very people they were betraying. I also questioned whether Kent would be so appealing to Jill if she had to share a home with him, had to wash his dirty dishes and clean his drips of pee off the toilet seat. But I didn’t say any of this, of course.

  “Yeah, the kids. I know. It would be too hard to split everyone up.”

  I got home a little after seven thirty, later than usual because I had pulled over to extend my phone call, but no one seemed to notice. Rick and the kids were sprawled out on the couch with the TV blaring.

  “Can you turn that thing down please?” Rick grabbed the remote and lowered the volume.

  I stepped over the winding wood train tracks that covered most of the living room floor and collapsed on the couch between the boys and gave them each a kiss on the forehead. Rick nudged Sam aside and sat next to me.

  “How was class?” Oh God, he knows, he can smell it on me. He knows I was kissing another man.

  “It was fine.”

  “Really, what was the subject?” I gave him a suspicious look.

  “I’m interested, really, you never talk about what you teach.”

  Sam noticed that Mommy and Daddy were going to talk about something they don’t usually talk about, which in his mind is always an invitation to join in.

  “Yeah, Mom, tell us what you were teaching about tonight.”

  Jack looked exhausted. I lifted him into my lap and ran my fingers along his back and arms. His sweet baby smell made me pause and inhale deeply for more. His little eyes fluttered and I wanted to lay my head down and drift off with him but I could see that Sam and Rick were waiting for my response.

  “Okay, well, you know the class I was teaching tonight is a business communication class, right?” They both nodded with enthusiasm although I was sure neither of them actually knew that.

  “So tonight, we talked about teamwork. It’s just like on your soccer team, Sammy. When people work together, they have to treat each other nicely, and take turns, and make sure they have common goals.”

  “So you mean you taught the college kids about soccer? Well duh, I could teach that class.”

  “No, it wasn’t about soccer, it was about teamwork, you know, taking other people into account when you make decisions rather than just thinking about yourself.” A sharp pain shot across the small of my back.

  “Like how sometimes I can’t have what I want right away because you have to pay attention to Jack first?”

  “Yeah, that’s a good example. I guess our family is a team too.” Rick moved closer to me and rubbed my arm. He had a strange look in his eyes.

  “And your mom is our most important team member, our MVP.” Oh great, I thought, he picks tonight to finally show me some appreciation.

  “No, we’re all important on this team,” I said. I readjusted myself so I wasn’t as close to Rick.

  “No, Mom, Daddy’s right. You’re the MVP cause you do the most for all of us. You know like washing our stinky socks and all that kinda stuff.”

  “Thanks, Sam. It means a lot to me to hear you say that.”

  “Yeah, can I play video games for a little while before bed? Please?” Jack was sound asleep in my arms. Rick looked at his watch.

  “You can play for a half hour then it’s time for the routine.” Ugh, the bedtime routine, I thought. I missed the days when bedtime just meant nursing and a fresh diaper. Now I could barely keep track of all the steps: checking over homework, a bath, getting pajamas on, brushing hair, brushing teeth, peeing, reading a book, singing songs and on and on. I laid Jack down on the couch and covered him with his favorite blanket.

  “I’m gonna change.”

  Rick smiled. “But I like you just the way you are.”

  I smiled back and left the room, the guilt swelling up in my throat as I walked away.

  I undressed and started to put on the pajama set I had recently splurged on. It was so soft and silky. The little silver stars and moons floating around the sky blue background had become my mental transition to relaxation time at night.

  The bottoms were on and I was just about to slip into the top when the bedroom door opened. With my back to him, Rick came up from behind and put his arms around me.

  “Mmm, you look so good.”

  “Thanks. I still need to lose a few more pounds though.” He turned me around.

  “Not from what I can see.”

  He grabbed my left breast and squeezed it hard.

  “Ouch.” I pushed his hand away and crossed my arms in front of me.

  “Sorry. It’s just, well, it’s been a few days,” he said.

  A few days, I thought. It was as if he had forgotten that it wasn’t so long ago that weeks would go by. This was supposed to be what I wanted, I thought. But this wasn’t how I wanted it and now it wasn’t who I wanted it with either. It didn’t seem fair.

  “Rick, no, the kids.”

  “Jack’s asleep.”

  “But Sam.”

  “He’s
playing Wave Racer. You know he won’t stop until we make him.”

  “We can’t. I can’t do this with Sam awake in the living room.”

  “Come on, just a quickie.”

  “It’s always a quickie. When is it ever not a quickie?”

  “The next time won’t be, I promise. Come on Beth, you look so good right now. Just give me five minutes. I promise Sam’ll never know.” I didn’t say yes but he didn’t care.

  He pulled me onto the bed and eased my pajama pants down to my ankles. He quickly pulled off his pants, climbed on top of me and went right to work. I closed my eyes and thought about kissing Dave in my car. Then I panicked when I thought I heard footsteps coming toward the door. I grabbed Rick’s arm forcefully to stop him.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I think he’s coming.”

  “You’re hearing things.”

  “Just wait.”

  He waited about ten seconds and there were no footsteps. He looked at me and I nodded, giving him permission to continue. He didn’t seem to notice that I wasn’t exactly enjoying myself because I was almost always silent during lovemaking, for fear of waking the children.

  He stopped for a second and looked into my eyes.

  “Get on top.”

  “No, it’s okay.”

  “Come on, I don’t wanna be selfish.”

  “No, really it’s okay, I don’t need to this time.”

  “Wanna try it this way?”

  “No, forget it, it’s not gonna happen. I can’t focus, I’m too worried about Sam coming in.”

  “He won’t come in.”

  “Rick, please can you just finish?” He didn’t answer but he did oblige. It only took about two more minutes. I quickly dressed and opened the door, afraid Sam would be on the other side listening. He wasn’t. I walked briskly to the living room to find Sam engrossed in his video game. Jack’s tiny body was still stretched out on the couch right where I left him. Sam didn’t look away but noted my presence.

  “It’s not time for the routine yet is it?” I looked at the clock.

  “No, you still have fifteen minutes.”

  “Wanna have a wave race with me?” His eyes beamed with hope.

  “Yeah. Gimme that controller, I’m gonna whip your butt this time.”

  Chapter 14

  “Please Jack, please go to sleep honey. You’re sooooo tired. You need your nap.” I tried to close the blinds tighter to shut out every drop of sunlight. He squirmed out of my bed again and charged back into the living room.

  “Uhhh, this was so much easier when you were nursing,” I said as I followed him.

  “Elmo! Elmo!” He stomped his feet and pounded his fists against his thighs.

  “Fine. But you have to stay on the couch until you fall asleep this time.” I tiptoed away once he was sufficiently engaged by the red baby-talking monster.

  Minutes later, the textbook and lecture notes were laid out perfectly on my desk. I had just formulated test question number one in my mind when I heard his little feet padding down the hallway. I was prepared to be angry when we came face to face but his weary pink eyes looked so sad. I scooped him up and brought him back to my bed again. After the fourth reading of Goodnight Moon, his eyelids lowered in slow motion and then popped open again. He looked up at me to make sure I was still there and finally his eyes closed for good. I kissed his cheek and thought about how nice it would be to drift off with him, but there was too much to do. Back to my office.

  The ideal first question that had come to me earlier was gone. I tried to start again. I stared at the blank document for five minutes. Finally I decided to make some green tea. When I returned, I checked my email for what was probably the twentieth time that day. It had been two days since Dave came to see me at school and I hadn’t heard a word from him.

  I wanted to email him, but I was trying to be strong. I decided he must have met someone else. Or he realized it was too much trouble, that there was no way it would work. Then I wondered if he was messing with my mind, giving me time to stew and worry and miss him and crave him. If that was his plan it was working. I put my face in my hands, amazed that adolescent thinking and behavior could return so easily to a woman in her mid thirties.

  I left a message on Jill’s voicemail. “It’s been two days. No word.” Back to the test.

  Finishing question five felt like a milestone so I decided I deserved a reward. I scrolled through my emails with one hand and dipped a carrot stick into light vinaigrette dressing with the other. Still no message from Dave. But there was a new email from Shelly reminding me about an upcoming lecture we were planning to go to together.

  I started to respond when I heard the instant message bell. I pressed both palms against my chest to calm myself when I saw the words “Hey there” coming from Davey21. I typed “Hey” and then erased it and typed “Hi, how are you?” then erased that and rewrote “Hey.” I paused for several seconds before hitting send. My legs started to tingle as I thought about our last kiss.

  “I’ve missed you,” he wrote. I sat up straight and sucked air into my chest as I smiled at the words. I wanted to write that I had missed him too. But I couldn’t.

  “Missed me? It’s only been two days.”

  “I know. I’m crazy. Crazy about you, I guess.”

  “Oh stop it.” I fanned my face with a Gymboree pamphlet that was sitting on my desk.

  “Can you chat for a minute?” he asked. I stood up, paced around the room once and sat back down.

  “Yeah, maybe just a minute.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Typing an exam.”

  “What are you wearing?”

  “Come on, Dave.”

  “Do you have a camera on your computer?”

  “Yes, I do, but there’s no way I’m turning it on.”

  “Well mine’s on so you can see me.”

  I clicked on my buddy list and saw the tiny picture of him. One more click and I had a living, breathing screen full of Dave. He had a big smile and I could see the tracks in his hair from being freshly combed. I moved in close to the screen and drank in his face. It was so beautiful to me.

  “You look like you’re in a good mood,” I wrote.

  “Of course, I’m chatting with the most interesting person I know.”

  “I think you need to expand your circle of friends.”

  I focused on his lips, remembering how soft they felt when they touched mine.

  “So who’s home?”

  “Me and my fifteen month old son, Jack.”

  “What’s he doing?”

  “Sleeping.”

  “So you’re enjoying some precious time to yourself and here I am intruding.”

  “Actually, I needed a break from working on the exam. And to be honest, I was hoping to hear from you.”

  I winced as I hit send, knowing I should have tried to keep playing it cool.

  “Have you been thinking about me, Beth? Because I think about you all the time.”

  I sat for a while, unsure of what to write. Heart pounding, mouth dry. Excitement and fear.

  “Yes, Dave, I think about you. Too much.”

  It felt as if I had leapt off a cliff and was waiting to hit the ground.

  I ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face with shaking hands. My body was in some unfamiliar state of euphoria mixed with terror. It took me a minute to calm myself.

  “Beth? You still there?”

  “I can’t do this, Dave. I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go.”

  “No wait. Let’s just chat, just as friends, okay?”

  My shoulders lowered. Friends, maybe we could just be friends, I thought. I could always use a friend who’s so interested in me and my experiences. Before I could respond, he wrote again.

  “So tell me about your plans for the day. I want to know what your life is like.” I noticed that my hands weren’t shaking anymore as I started to type a message about how I was planning to take t
he boys out for ice cream later. I was about to hit send when Jack’s voice startled me.

  “Maaamaaa”

  “Oh no, hold on, my son just woke up. Can you give me a minute?”

  “I’ll be here.”

  I ran to Jack but by the time I arrived, he had already fallen back asleep. I looked at his sweet innocent face and my chest felt engorged with guilt.

  “I’m back,” I wrote.

  “Is he okay?”

  “Yeah, he went back to sleep, but he’s probably going to wake up for good soon.”

  “I want to see him.”

  “What?”

  “Come on, put your camera on and bring your laptop to where he’s sleeping so I can see him.”

  “No way.”

  “Why not? I love kids, I just want to meet yours.”

  It seemed so wrong yet incredibly sweet at the same time. I told myself the just a friend lie again.

  “Okay. I guess it’s all right.” I turned on the camera and showed him my sleeping son.

  It felt strange but also very right that he should see my child to help him understand who I really am and what is most important to me.

  “He’s beautiful, just like his mother.”

  Right after I had settled back into my desk, Jack called out for me again and I knew he wouldn’t go back to sleep. I tried to force myself to simply say goodbye and walk away, but my fingers insisted on typing something different.

  “Can we chat again tomorrow? Same time?”

  “I can’t wait. IM me as soon as Jack goes to sleep, okay? Enjoy the rest of your day, sweetheart.” Chills ran all the way from the bottom of my spine to my scalp.

  Chapter 15

  “But Mom, how can you go out when my book report is due tomorrow?”

  “Sam, I’ve been asking you about that report for days and all you kept saying was ‘I can do it myself.’ I even mentioned it this morning. Remember?”

  “Mom! I was in the middle of programming my Lego robot.”

  “You have to start taking responsibility for these things yourself. You’re in second grade now. I can’t do everything for everyone around here.” Oh God, I sound like my mother, I thought.