Is This All There Is?

by Mann, Patricia

  “But you promised you would help me. Can’t you just go out another night?”

  “No, Sam.” I couldn’t wait to see Shelly. It had only been a few weeks since our night of dinner and dancing but it felt like a lifetime ago.

  “If you need help, your father will be here.”

  “Dad doesn’t know how Miss Reese likes the book reports. He won’t even tell me how to spell the words I don’t know. He makes me look them up in the dictionary.”

  “Well, you know what? He’s right. That’s exactly how you should look up words you don’t know. I’ve been doing too much of your work for you.”

  I wondered what Dave would think if he could see me interacting with my son this way. Maybe he wouldn’t admire me as much. Maybe he’d want to put his arms around me and hold me tight to comfort me. I missed him, even though we had talked online just hours earlier. Sam dropped his head, crossed his arms in front of him and started rubbing his temples with his thumb and forefinger. It was as if I had caused a massive migraine.

  Rick would be home any minute and I needed to resolve the issue so that I could leave for the lecture with Shelly on peaceful terms with Sam. I didn’t want Rick to come home and find us yet again in the midst of another battle. Sam never challenged his father as fiercely as he did me, so in Rick’s eyes, I was the irrational one.

  I sat next to Sam on the couch and rubbed his back. He continued to pout. I parted the silky blond hairs that lined his forehead and lifted his face to look at me.

  “How about if you work on the report tonight with Dad, and then I’ll go over it with you in the morning? If it’s not just the way Miss Reese likes it, we’ll make some last minute changes.” He looked up at me and sighed, disappointed but willing to settle.

  “Will you wake me up early so we have enough time?”

  “Yes. I promise.”

  Sam grabbed the remote control and started channel surfing. I stared at him for a moment, trying to imagine him as a teenager. I could see him storming out the door shouting profanities and screeching off in a sports car. I shivered and stood up to turn the volume down on the electronic farm toy Jack was playing with on the floor. Moo, quack quack, naaaaay. He caught my hand rolling the little red dial down as far as it would go and as soon as I turned my back, he rolled it all the way back up. I gave up and headed for the bedroom to change my clothes.

  I wanted to wear something that would make Shelly notice my eight and a half pound weight loss. But I didn’t want to be too obvious. I tried on a couple of skirts but they didn’t feel right. My old black pants didn’t work anymore either. I decided to wear my new pair of low rise jeans with a tight black sweater and high heel black strappy sandals. As I was admiring my look in the mirror, Rick barged in.

  He launched right into an onslaught of complaints about incompetent secretaries and impossible deadlines. I practiced my best empathy and paraphrasing skills as he recounted the minute details of his trying day at work. I knew it was a mistake to take the side of his secretary, but I couldn’t stop myself.

  “Well, I know Janice has a hard time telling you when she’s got too much on her plate. She doesn’t want to say ‘no’ when you ask her to do something extra.”

  “So what am I supposed to do? Never give her any new work because she can’t say no?”

  “No, you’re right,” I said. “She should have told you she probably wouldn’t be able to get the report done by today.”

  “Exactly. That’s all I’m saying. She should have been straight with me. I’m not that unreasonable, am I?”

  I stared into my own eyes in the oval mirror framed with wrought iron leaves that sat above the dresser. “No, no, you’re not.”

  I slid medium sized silver hoop earrings on as he methodically folded his tie over its little prong on the rack hanging on the inside of our closet. I realized for the first time that he had them arranged by color, from lightest to darkest. I thought about running my fingers through Dave’s soft, messy hair and suddenly I wanted to see him so bad I felt dizzy. Our daily instant message chats during Jack’s naptime weren’t enough anymore. Just that day, he started referring to himself as my boyfriend.

  “So then the asshole says to me, ‘You really should have consulted with me on the Lefkowitz case before you authorized an increase in the settlement offer.’”

  As he went on I realized he’d forgotten about my plans with Shelly. I was furious. But I was also determined to get out of the house unscathed by combat so I swallowed my anger and waited until he finished his gripe session to remind him.

  “You look amazing!” Shelly hugged me harder than usual and I held on tight, not wanting to be the first to let go. Her warm patchouli scent danced in the air for the length of our extended embrace.

  The waiting area outside the auditorium was decorated with beaded purple velvet strips of fabric draped from corner to corner. A large butterscotch colored sign with white letters reading “Reclaiming The Woman Within: Your New Awakening” stood alone on a stand in front of the lecture hall doors.

  “So, tell me what’s going on. You seem different. It can’t just be the diet.” I looked at my watch.

  “Don’t worry we still have time.” I glanced out the front door and saw a young couple cuddling together on a bench. Clearly they weren’t waiting for the lecture we were there to hear.

  “Beth? You okay?” I picked at a jagged piece of cuticle on my thumb. You can tell her. She’ll understand. No, don’t do it.

  “Yeah, sorry. I just, well I have a lot on my mind, but things are good.”

  “You and Rick must be doing well. You have that glow.”

  Unable to make eye contact with Shelly for a moment, I stared at the couple. They couldn’t take their eyes off each other. I saw sparkly new bands on their ring fingers. I was jealous. For that moment, I wished I could feel that way about the man I was married to again. Then I imagined Dave’s green eyes looking into mine, and the envy dissipated. A smile spread across my face.

  “So, how’s Fathi? You haven’t mentioned him lately.” She looked at me with suspicion.

  “Yeah, well that’s because he has a new boyfriend and they’re just gaga over each other. He doesn’t have much time for me anymore.”

  “That’s too bad. It seemed like you two were really having fun together.”

  “Beth, why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

  A handsome young man in a suit and bow tie opened the auditorium doors and motioned for the small crowd that had gathered to enter. Before we headed in, I took one last look at the couple outside. He was feeding her a piece of a cookie. She licked her lips and I imagined them making love later that evening. Shelly’s eyes caught what I was staring at and she gave me a questioning look. I took her arm and led her through the doors. We found seats close to the front.

  As I sat down, my stomach growled and I realized I hadn’t eaten lunch. I completely forgot to eat. My body spent the afternoon playing with Jack but my mind was lost in daydreams about Dave.

  “Shelly, there is something going on, but… ”

  “Beth, you know you can tell me anything.”

  “I’ve been… I mean I have a… oh God, I don’t even know how to say it.”

  “What? Say what?” I sat up straight and exhaled loudly.

  “Well, the night I went dancing with you and Fathi… ”

  “Yeah?” Two obese women who looked like sisters sat down in front of us.

  “Well, remember how I ran into those students and we had drinks with them?” I whispered.

  “Of course, that cute guy Jimmy and the annoying slobbering one and their other friend, what was his name?” Against my will, my lips curled into a guilty smile.

  “Dave, his name is Dave.” She froze. Her facial expression revealed nothing. Without another word, I knew she knew. I felt beads of sweat forming on my upper lip. She moved back in her seat, studying my face.

  “It’s no big deal, I mean it’s just a little harmless flirtatio
n.” She said nothing.

  “I mean flirting, and just a little, well, kissing, but not much. And some instant messages. Friendly chat. He’s so easy to talk to. That’s all. It’s nothing. It’s just fun. No big deal. He listens to me. Wants to hear about my life. It’s not like Rick shows much interest.” Her silence became more disturbing.

  “Shelly, say something. It’s really no big deal. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you. I just thought… I don’t know. I thought you might understand. I thought you might even be happy for me.” She crossed her arms and tilted her head to the side.

  “That’s what you thought? Is that really what you thought, Beth? After what I told you about my dad?” Just then the lights went down and the audience became silent.

  Chapter 16

  The woman up front rubbed me the wrong way from the start with her long multicolored dress, gold pumps and arms full of bangles. “You’ve got to find your passion, your purpose for being on this planet,” said the woman who called herself Mother Moon Goddess. I’m passionate about Dave, I thought.

  “When your purpose is clear, everything falls into place. The universe channels your energy into your soul work and offers you unlimited abundance.” Shelly nodded with enthusiasm.

  “When you are in the flow, following the true path of your spirit, you won’t succumb to the temptations of unhealthy attachments and addictions.” Shelly turned to me and raised her eyebrows. One of the overweight sisters in front of us wiped her eyes with a tissue.

  I couldn’t suppress a smile when the speaker walked away from the podium. Her relentless bombardment of the most impossible suggestions was finally over. A trip to Europe. Alone. Weekly massages. Tantric ecstasy. Mother Moon Goddess and I were clearly living on different planets. But my relief was short lived. Shelly’s eyes waited to meet mine as I fumbled though my purse searching for my keys.

  “We need to talk. Let’s go grab a drink somewhere.”

  “I can’t, Shelly. I have an early morning.” I could see it in her eyes - disappointment in my response, in me, maybe even in life in general.

  We walked to the parking lot in silence, arriving at my car first. We stood there for a few uncomfortable moments not knowing what to say.

  “It’s really no big deal. It’s not as bad as you think.”

  I noticed something in her eyes that I hadn’t picked up on before. It almost felt like fear.

  “You know what my most vivid childhood memory is?” I waited, knowing it couldn’t be good.

  “Waking up alone in the back seat of a car in the middle of the night in a strange neighborhood.”

  “How scary.”

  “I’m sure he thought I would sleep through the night and no one would find out.”

  “You’re talking about your dad, right?” She nodded.

  “My mom worked nights. I can still taste the panic in my stomach when I think about it. I waited and waited, thinking he’d be back any minute. Then a bunch of teenagers came by and saw me in the car. They started pounding on it and trying to pry the door open, asking where my mommy was and if I wanted to go home with them.”

  “Jesus, Shelly. That’s horrible. But I hope you’re not suggesting that I would ever… ”

  “No, no, I didn’t mean it that way, Beth.” I crossed my arms and nodded.

  “So what happened?”

  “After the teenagers stumbled off, I got out to look for my dad. I knocked on a few doors but people just yelled at me and told me to go away.”

  I opened my eyes wide. “I can’t believe no one would try to help a lost little girl.” Shelly always did love to embellish a story.

  “Well this wasn’t the kind of neighborhood where people open their doors for anyone in the middle of the night. Anyway, I heard voices coming from an open window on the side of one of the houses. I stood on some bricks to peek into it and I’ll never forget what I saw.”

  A street light flickered and I realized ours were the only cars left in the lot.

  “The way he was violently slamming his body into this unfamiliar woman, the noises she was making.” A burning rage swelled up in my throat and I tried to calm myself.

  “Shelly, if you think for a second I would… I mean if you think I could... You know how I am with my kids. Just because your father was a heartless asshole doesn’t mean… ”

  “But he wasn’t, that’s my point. He was loving and attentive when he wasn’t with other women. He just couldn’t be faithful. And I wasn’t trying to say you would do that to your kids, but it’s just, I don’t know. It’s like a sickness.”

  “Well whatever his sickness was, I don’t have it. It’s not like that for me. And I don’t appreciate you projecting your issues with your father onto me.”

  “I’m not projecting anything. I can’t let you do this. If you continue to see him, you will have an affair with him. It’s just a matter of time.”

  Chills ran up my back and I rubbed my arms. That word: affair. Such a powerful word. Such a defining aspect of one’s identity. I pictured the PTA moms huddled in a tight circle pointing at Sam at his school. “Did you hear? His mother had an affair. Poor thing.”

  “I’m not having an affair. My husband barely pays any attention to me. You have no idea what that feels like. So I’m flirting a little, enjoying some attention. It’s not such a crime. It just feels good.”

  “Of course it feels good. But where does it end? Don’t you realize it’s like a drug addiction? It’s an unnatural high. It’s not real. It’s lust and infatuation, not love and commitment. It doesn’t last so you’ll have to keep doing it over and over. Just like a new drug, you’ll need a new lover, it’s the same as what my dad… ”

  “No. I am nothing like your father and you have no right to… ”

  “But Beth… ” I put my key in the car door and opened it.

  “Wait. Beth, okay, I know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt your kids. And maybe you wouldn’t do the kinds of things my dad did. But believe me, kids know, they can feel it, and it affects them… forever. You have to end it now before it’s too late.”

  “Don’t tell me what I have to do. I am so sick of everyone trying to control me.”

  “Well, I refuse to just sit back and watch you… ”

  “Fine. You don’t have to watch. You don’t have to do anything. I don’t need this. I have other friends who are more supportive.” I got into my car and sped away.

  Fury pulsed through my veins. How dare she? Still, I couldn’t get what she said about how kids are affected out of my mind. I thought back to my morning with Jack. I wondered if he could sense that I was thinking about Dave the whole time. And Sam had been accusing me of not listening to him more often than usual. You’re just being paranoid, I told myself. I refused to let Shelly get to me. She just didn’t understand.

  I thought about calling Jill. I knew she would take my side. But I also knew she wouldn’t really understand how I felt because she didn’t have the guilt gene and I did. We had come up with the guilt gene theory in our most recent conversation. Some people who are unfaithful feel guilty about it and others don’t. She joked and said maybe she was missing a gene or something because it was a piece of cake for her to lie to her husband and enjoy great sex with Kent. But she seemed to be a good mother and a decent person in every other way. It was just in this one area that her ethical code didn’t match up with society’s expectations. I wondered if my father had the guilt gene and if it was an inherited trait. I pulled out my phone and started to dial her number. But I hung up before I finished dialing. I had to admit to myself that I couldn’t really talk to Jill the way I could talk to Shelly. When I thought about it, I realized that all Jill and I ever talked about was Kent and Dave.

  I felt completely alone. Now I really didn’t have anyone to talk to. Well, there was one person. I scrolled through the address book on my cell phone, stopping on the name Diana. I knew no Diana, of course, but had a story ready about getting friendly with a new professor in case I need
ed it. I stopped at a red light and paused before pressing the little green button.

  Chapter 17

  “I can’t. There’s no way. I can’t come over tonight.” I thought about the frayed white panties I was wearing.

  “Come on, I’ll give you a back rub.”

  “Stop it, Dave. I can’t. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

  “Wouldn’t you rather hear it in person?”

  I pictured him sitting on a ruffled blanket on his bed, the musky smell of gym socks wafting up from a pile of clothes on the floor. My thighs started to tingle.

  “Not tonight, but maybe… ” I hesitated, trying to catch my breath.

  “Maybe when? I want to see you soon, Beth.”

  I could see my reflection in the front window as I waited at a red light. A look of panic mixed with elation. My chest rising and falling much faster than usual.

  “I want to see you too, Dave.” My voice was breathy not to sound sexy, but because I couldn’t seem to get enough air.

  “Then just come over now. Even if it’s only for one kiss.”

  I pressed my cool hands against my flaming cheeks.

  “Just one kiss? Would that be enough?”

  “Maybe not. Maybe we’ll need more than one. My roommate won’t be home for another hour.”

  “You have a roommate? But you never even mentioned… is he a student too?”

  I pictured sitting in the Dean’s office signing off on my termination papers.

  “Well, yeah, but he’s an engineering major. He’d never recognize… ”

  “Forget it. I’m not coming over. Can we just talk about something else?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  “So… what were you doing before I called you?” There was a long pause before he answered.

  “Actually, I can’t tell you.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  “I don’t really like surprises.”

  “Well, you’ll like this one.”