Avoidance

by Kristen Granata

  Shelly’s reminder about all of the progress I had made echoed in my mind as I sat. Just six months ago, I was waking up in the hospital after a head-on collision with a tree; my father had ended his life, and I was left in a deep pit of despair. A golden-haired boy changed all of that. With his loving heart, and the most gentle of hands, he brought down all of my walls and showed me how to smile again. After the passing of his own father, the man who pulled me from the fiery car wreck to give me a second chance at life, our turbulent times were behind us. Life finally felt normal – I was happy. It was typical that Claire would come back and challenge all of that.

  My eyelids felt heavy as I watched cars pass by on the slushy street below. It felt like I had only closed my eyes for a second, but when I opened them again, the streetlights were on outside. I picked my head up and noticed Chase stretched out on the opposing couch watching a muted television.

  “What time is it?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

  “Just after six.” He reached his arm out for me, and I stood, taking his hand. He pulled me down on top of him, wrapping his arms around me.

  “Why didn’t you wake me?”

  “You were totally knocked out. I figured you needed to rest.” He kissed the top of my head. “That was a lot to take in. Are you okay?”

  “I’ll be fine. I don’t want to waste any more time discussing it.” I lifted my head off of his chest and pressed my lips against his. Warm and inviting, they were exactly what I wanted to lose myself in. When I kissed Chase, the entire world faded away. The thoughts in my head were overpowered by the warm feeling that swept throughout my entire body. I positioned myself on top of him and lost my fingers in his soft hair, kissing him over and over.

  “Don’t try to avoid the subject,” he said against my mouth. “Your powers of persuasion won’t work on me.”

  I slipped my hand inside of his boxers. “I beg to differ.”

  He exhaled as I kissed him again. “No fair.”

  “Looks like my powers might work on you after all.”

  “You play dirty.” In one swoop, he stood with me in his arms and carried me into the bedroom.

  We spent the duration of the night in my bed. Neither Chase nor I brought up going to California. We did not speak about Claire’s visit. He knew from experience that it was best to let me stew in my own thoughts until I was ready to discuss them. He understood what I needed, and did not make me feel guilty about it. It was one of the things I loved most about him.

  Long after Chase had fallen asleep, I remained awake, staring up at the ceiling. My mind kept replaying the scene outside my front door. I had always been level-headed. I learned early on to internalize my emotions, reacting in my head instead of lashing out. Today, I acted like someone I did not recognize. I took all the years of built up anger and resentment towards my mother, and hurled them at her on my doorstep.

  I was baffled by the same questions everyone else had: Why is she back? What does she want? Why did she leave eight years ago? Admittedly, I was too afraid to listen to the answer. I knew that hearing Claire’s explanation would be anticlimactic, regardless of what the reason was; hearing her explanation would not undo the years of torment she caused my father, and it would not give me back my childhood that she had taken with her when she left. Claire’s side of the story would only make me feel worse, like rubbing salt in an open wound. It was safer for me to bury my head in the sand, and pretend like nothing ever happened.

  * * *

  Shelly, unlike Chase, always took a more aggressive approach when dealing with my avoidant behaviors. When we met up for dinner the next day, I knew I was going to have to face her firing squad of questions. I went home to shower after work, and met her at the campus cafeteria after her class let out.

  “Have you started packing?” she asked.

  “I would pack if I was going somewhere.”

  “Aren’t you?”

  I shrugged.

  “Just say it, and put me out of my misery. You have already made up your mind. You know it, and I know it.”

  I pushed the fried rice around my plate. I scanned the cafeteria, remembering the last time I had been here – the fateful day when Chase first approached me. Looking back on all that had happened, it seemed like a lifetime ago.

  “What are you smiling about?”

  “This is where Chase and I met.”

  “After you flung the soda bottle across the room.”

  “Because you made me drop it.”

  She smiled. “You’re welcome.”

  I rolled my eyes, but could not fight the grin on my face.

  “Where do you think Claire went?”

  “Don’t know. Don’t care.” I shoved a forkful of rice into my mouth, my smile vanishing.

  “Your whole I don’t care thing is so old.”

  “It’s not a thing. I truly don’t care where she is, or why she left, or how she feels. She could drop dead and I wouldn’t bat an eye. Why should I waste my time caring about her when she clearly doesn’t give a crap about me?”

  Shelly sighed. “You always care, Merr. You say you don’t care, but you do. You would be cold-hearted if you didn’t, and I know you. You’re not cold-hearted. Your mother, your flesh and blood, the woman who gave you life, abandoned you. She created a superstorm of horrible events in your life. Then, when you’re finally happy and everything is calm, BAM! She comes back.”

  “Thanks for the recap, Shell. You should be a narrator in a movie.”

  “Come on. It’s the most epic slap in the face of all time. There’s no way you’re fine and okay with all of this, no matter how much sarcasm you slather on top of it.”

  I placed my hand on my chest for dramatic effect. “Me? Using sarcasm to cover up my real emotions? I’m offended you would imply such a thing!”

  She tossed a fried noodle at me. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

  I grinned triumphantly. “Thank you.”

  “That wasn’t a compliment, you freak. So, when are you going to tell Chase that you’re going to California?”

  “If I’m impossible, then you’re relentless!” I tossed the fried noodle back at her. “I’m still considering my options.”

  “Look. I know I’ve been giving you a hard time, and I know I’m selfish because I don’t want you to leave me… but accompanying the love of your life so he can fulfill his dreams is the right thing to do. We both know he would follow you to the ends of the earth if the situation was reversed. This is the one and only time you’re going to hear me say this, so take it for what it’s worth.”

  I exhaled as I looked into her light blue eyes. “Thanks, Shell. I appreciate it. I guess I’m just scared to be out there on the other side of the country all alone.”

  “You won’t be alone. You’ll have Chase.”

  “I know, but he’ll be busy. What will I be doing?”

  “You could get a job. Maybe there will be a car shop nearby that’s hiring.”

  “Chase Brooks, the famous rock star, and his mechanic girlfriend.” I grimaced. “Sounds like a match made in heaven.”

  “You are my match made in heaven,” said a deep voice from behind me. Chase pulled a chair next to mine and sat. He leaned in for a lingering kiss. “And don’t you ever forget it.”

  Brody took the seat next to Shelly and gave me a wink.

  Shelly let out an exaggerated breath and hung her head. “We’ve been together since kindergarten. What am I going to do without my best friend?”

  “You two can FaceTime whenever you want,” Brody suggested. “I’m sure they will come back and visit, and we can take a vacation out there. I’ve always wanted to go to California.”

  “Does this mean we’re going to California?” Chase carefully asked.

  Looking into his expectant eyes, I knew in my heart there was only one answer to his question. “I guess we should start packing.”

  Shelly groaned and thumped her head down onto the table.

  Chapter
Two: Goodbye

  “Hey, midget. Pass me the bread.” Tanner gestured to the bread basket sitting in front of Khloe.

  Khloe’s face scrunched up in anger. “Don’t call me that.”

  Tanner sighed, well aware that he would not get any bread until he said it politely. “Can you please pass the bread?”

  Her face returned to her usual sunny expression as she placed the bread basket in front of her brother.

  “Merritt, you’ve barely eaten anything,” Beverly noticed. “Are you feeling okay?”

  I fidgeted in my chair. “Chase and I have something we want to tell you.”

  “Oh, shit. She’s pregnant,” Tanner exclaimed.

  “Language!” Beverly and Khloe shouted in unison.

  “We’re not pregnant.” Chase took my hand under the table. “I got a call from Donnie out in California the other night.”

  Everyone at the table put their forks down at the same time, and the metaphorical record jerked to a stop. I gripped Chase’s hand harder as he continued.

  “A guy from a record label heard my old demo, and wants to meet with me and the band.” His leg bounced nervously under the table. “Merritt and I are going to be moving to California for a while.”

  “Are you kidding me? You think this is a good time to leave?” Tanner began.

  Beverly put her hand up. “Do not start fighting right now. We are eating dinner, and we are having a discussion.” She exhaled. “How long would you be living out there for?”

  “I’m not sure,” Chase replied. “It depends on how it all goes.”

  “How what all goes? You think you’re going to be the next Bon Jovi?”

  “Tanner!” Beverly raised her voice.

  Tears immediately welled up in my eyes, as I remembered how Tim used to come to her aide during times like these.

  “There’s a lot I don’t know right now.” Chase was trying desperately to ignore Tanner’s provoking comments. “That’s why I’m going there – to find out what my possibilities are.”

  “How do you feel about this, Merritt?” Beverly turned her attention to me.

  I gulped, my throat suddenly dry. “I feel that Chase is incredibly talented, and he deserves a chance to see how far this could go.”

  “But,” Tanner prompted, sensing more behind my rehearsed answer.

  “But nothing,” Chase snapped. “Stop trying to make an issue here!”

  “You’re the one making the issue!” Tanner stood, pushing his chair back from the table. “Dad just died! We don’t even know if we can make ends meet or if we’re selling the shop, and you decide you’re going to run off to California and leave us high and dry?”

  Chase released my hand, and stood. He leaned his knuckles onto the table, his voice lower and more menacing than before. “I am aware that Dad is gone. I already told Mom – you can make ends meet if you sell the shop. It’s not my responsibility to take care of everything for you!”

  Beverly covered her face with her hands.

  I stood, and walked behind the battling boys. I took her arm, leading her away from the table, and took Khloe’s hand, too. They both followed willingly, and we sat in the living room.

  “I don’t know what to do with them,” she said.

  “Honestly, they just need to duke it out. It’s the only way. This has been brewing for quite a while now.”

  Khloe stared into the dining room from her seat next to me as the boys’ shouting got louder.

  “I can’t be the one to carry this family just because I’m the oldest! You need to step up, now! It’s your turn!” I heard Chase yell.

  “I can’t carry the shop all on my own! The three of us worked our asses off when Dad got sick. How am I supposed to do that alone?” Tanner shouted back.

  “I can’t blame him for wanting to go,” Beverly confessed. “I never want to be remembered as the mother who held her son back from greatness. I just wish the timing was different.”

  I nodded in agreement. “I know how torn he is between wanting to go, and wanting to stay to help his family. I feel the same.”

  “This call might be his one and only shot.” Beverly looked down at her lap.

  I turned to Khloe, who was quietly taking everything in. “What are you thinking?”

  Her big, round hazel eyes peered up at me, her eyebrows furrowed. I could not read her expression, until I saw her bottom lip tremble as she tried to hold it in. It was no use; the giant teardrops began to roll down her puffy cheeks.

  I wrapped my arms around her, and she sprang into my lap, burying her face in my chest.

  “Merry, please don’t leave me,” she wailed. “I don’t want you and Chase to leave me!”

  The tears I had been keeping at bay now spilled over my eyelids. I squeezed my eyes shut as I held her tiny body in my arms, rocking her back and forth. She lost her father, and now she would be losing me and her brother. I wanted to tell her that we wouldn’t go anywhere – that we would stay here with her – but I knew that would be a lie. There was nothing I could say to console her.

  Tanner and Chase’s shouting match came to a stop when they heard Khloe’s cries.

  Chase came into the room and sat beside me on the couch, stroking his sister’s golden locks.

  Tanner remained standing, his arms crossed over his chest. He finally sat when Beverly wiped her eyes. He put his arm around his mother, and hugged her to him, kissing the top of her head.

  “Tanner is right,” I opened. “This is the worst possible time to leave. If we are going to keep the shop up and running, we need time to interview new hires.”

  “What are you saying?” Chase asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

  “Why don’t you go without me, and– ”

  “No, no,” he interrupted. “I’m not going without you.”

  “I could stay here to help until everybody got back on their feet. Then I could meet you out there.”

  “We just won’t go then,” he stated. “I’m not going without you.”

  “Why not?” I searched his eyes for a reason for his stubbornness.

  “Because he doesn’t think you’ll actually go,” Tanner answered.

  Chase’s eyes tightened, but he said nothing to deny it.

  My mouth opened, but no words came out.

  “Enough,” Beverly said. “Family is about working together as a team, and we can’t do that if we’re fighting against each other.” She looked at Chase. “You are not responsible for saving this family. You need to live your own life – truly live it – chasing after your own dreams.” Then she looked at Tanner. “This business was mine and your father’s. It is up to me to think long and hard about what should happen next. This shop is not the end all be all of your life.”

  “I don’t want you to hate me for leaving,” Chase said. He was looking at his mother, but I knew his statement was directed at Tanner.

  Khloe popped her head out from under my arm. “We don’t hate you, Chasey. We love you. That’s why we’re so sad that you’re leaving.”

  He held his arms out for her, and she curled up in his lap.

  “So, you’re leaving.” Tanner stood.

  “Yes. He’s leaving. Now sit down so I can tell you all something.” Beverly waited for Tanner to reluctantly sit. “All four of you need to hear this, so listen good.”

  Khloe straightened up, excited to be included in this grownup discussion.

  “Your father was a firm believer in following his heart. I will not stand in your way whenever your heart is pulling you in a direction. I will be here to guide you, support you, and love you. Always. You need to go out and live your lives for yourselves – for the things that make you happy. But if you don’t call home every week, I promise you: I will hunt you down and I will drag you back here.”

  Khloe giggled. Chase and I smiled, exchanging glances. Tanner smirked for one millisecond before standing up and walking out of the room.

  Beverly held out her hands. I took one and Chase took the o
ther. “I would never hate you. Never a day in my life. I appreciate your suggestion, Merritt, wanting to stay behind and help out. The size of your heart never ceases to amaze me. But you two should go together. I know you will take care of each other out there. Please be smart, and be careful. That’s all I ask.”

  “We will.” Chase squeezed my knee.

  I took a deep breath as I let Beverly’s words sink in.

  Khloe jumped onto my back. “Can you give me a bath tonight, Merry?”

  I stood up and spun her around. “Are you ready?”

  She squealed in delight. “Let’s go!”

  Upstairs, Khloe and I talked about California, and how far away it is from New York. Khloe always had intelligent questions, and she was my favorite person to have conversations with. In the time Chase and I had spent together, I grew close with his family. It would be heart wrenching to leave them behind. There had been so much loss in my life – my mom, my dad, Tim – and now the rest of the Brooks family, just when I was getting used to having a family of my own. I knew I had to leave, though. I knew I had to do it for Chase. I was following my heart – and he was my heart.

  After Khloe was bathed and tucked into bed, Tanner was waiting for me in the hallway. “I just wanted to say that I appreciate you offering to stay behind.”

  “I tried. I thought it was a good plan.”

  “Not if you’re just looking for an excuse not to go.” His dark eyes held my gaze for a moment; he was able to call my bluff because we had the same tells. “Can I ask you something?”

  I laughed. “You’re asking permission first?”

  “I have manners when I want to,” he said smugly. “That was your mom yesterday?”

  I leaned against the wall in the hallway. “Unfortunately, yes.”

  “You were yelling pretty aggressively. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

  “Oh, it’s in there. I just keep it buried inside.” I gestured with my hand. “It’s deep, deep in there.”

  Tanner laughed. “That’s a healthy coping mechanism.”

  “That’s what I hear.”

  “It’s going to come out, you know. One day, you’re going to stuff too much inside and it’s going to overflow. You need an outlet for all that anger.”