Avoidance

by Kristen Granata

  I raised my eyebrow at him. “You’re a shrink now?”

  He put his head down sheepishly as he heard his own familiar words thrown back at him. “I know I can be a bit of an asshole sometimes… but I’ve learned a lot. I mean it, Merr. You can’t bury your feelings forever.”

  “Did Charlotte teach you that?” I asked with a smile.

  “She taught me a lot of things.”

  “She’s good for you, Tan. You deserve someone like her.”

  He nodded. “Dad would have loved her.”

  “He would have.”

  Tanner put his big arm around my shoulders. “I kinda like having a big sister.”

  I jabbed him in his side. “Good. I like having an asshole little brother.”

  I walked downstairs with a smile still on my face, though it diminished when I saw Beverly and Chase’s red eyes as they sat across from each other at the dining room table.

  “Should I give you guys some more time?” I asked, wearily stepping towards the table.

  “No,” Chase replied. “I’m going to take a shower and let you guys talk.”

  I took the chair Chase had already warmed, looking across the table at a tired and worn out Beverly.

  “Chase told me your mother paid you a visit.”

  I shifted my gaze. “She’s gone now. I made her leave.”

  “I’m worried that you’ll regret that decision one day.”

  “I won’t. It’s better with her out of my life.”

  “I know you don’t want her in your life, and that’s fine. I completely understand. I wouldn’t want somebody like that in my life either… but I feel like a small part of you will always wonder. If you sat down with her and gave her a chance to explain, maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive her over time.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “You want me to forgive her? How on earth could I do that after what happened?”

  She reached across the table and covered my hand with hers. “It’s not easy. I don’t want you going throughout your life holding this burden of hatred inside. Maybe you would feel better if you heard her side of things. Then, you could let her hear yours.”

  “Oh, I think she heard me loud and clear yesterday.”

  “Didn’t you forgive your father for what he did?” she asked gently.

  “That was different. He was suffering, because of her.”

  “Maybe she was suffering, too.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t do that. I can’t forgive her for what she did to us.”

  “Do you feel that if you forgive her, you’re not doing right by your father? Do you feel like he would be mad about it?”

  “He would have forgiven her. He loved her more than anything. He would have taken her back in a heartbeat.”

  “Didn’t you love her, too?”

  I looked down at my lap. “I did.”

  “Aren’t you supposed to forgive the people you love? The ones who are closest to you are often the ones who hurt you the most. People make mistakes in life – huge mistakes. Do you think I would stop loving any one of my children just because they made a mistake, no matter how big the mistake might be?”

  “I don’t know, Beverly. I don’t know if I have it in me to do something like that. I can’t even think about her without burning up with rage.”

  “When I look at you, I see a beautiful, smart, fierce young woman with so much love in her heart to give. You have been hurt so badly, and you lock that love away because you’re too afraid to give anyone the power to do that to you again. It’s self-preservation, and I get it; but life is too short to pack your feelings into a box and ship it out to sea. You think that hating her and shutting your emotions off makes you strong, but there is no greater strength than forgiveness. If you can find a way to forgive her, you will release all of that anger. You will finally be able to let go of all the pain. That’s what this is all about. Learning how to forgive.”

  “So you’re the one Chase gets his insightfulness from.” I swiped a tear off my cheek.

  Beverly smiled. “I’d like to think so.”

  “I’m going to miss you when we leave,” I admitted. “You’re an amazing mother.”

  “You will be the same with your own kids someday.”

  “Are you going to be alright here? You can tell me the truth. I won’t tell Chase.”

  She sighed. “I know we will be fine. I’ve got one hell of an angel on my side.”

  I smiled as more tears poured out. “I miss Tim.”

  She walked around the table, taking the seat next to me, and hugged me tightly. “I do, too.”

  Chase soon appeared in the doorway. “Every time I leave you two alone, I find you crying.”

  Beverly held one of her arms out, motioning for Chase to join our embrace. He put his arms around both of us, and held us there.

  “Don’t forget about your old mom when you’re playing at sold out concerts, okay?”

  Chase chuckled. “I would hope you’d be sitting in the front row.”

  She pulled away from us, wiping her eyes. “So when do you leave?”

  “Tuesday”

  She nodded. “Alright.”

  That night, every word Beverly had said to me swam around my mind like piranhas chomping at my brain. I stared up at the ceiling in bed, again, listening to Chase’s steady breathing. I had come far since meeting him, yet it felt like I still had so much further to go. I had been so hurt by my mother’s abandonment, and so focused on my father’s mental health thereafter, that I never once thought about what she could have been going through to make her want to leave her family in the first place. I always thought it was me – that I wasn’t loveable enough to make her want to stay. What if that wasn’t the reason for her leaving? What if I never gave her the chance to explain? Would it haunt me for the rest of my life?

  Chapter Three: We’re Not in Kansas Anymore

  The warm Los Angeles sun felt good on my face. It was a welcomed change from the freezing February temperatures in New York. I looked over at Chase, who was sitting beside me in the back seat of the cab. His eyes sparkled like I had only seen once before, when he told me about his first experience in California. In that moment, I felt confident in my decision to travel to the other side of the country with him. If he would not come here without me, then I had to ensure that he did. He deserved to be happy and make all of his dreams come true.

  “Wait until you see the hotel I booked us.” Chase turned to me, one corner of his mouth turning up.

  “I hope you didn’t spend too much.”

  “It’s only for one night. Donnie said the apartment would be ready by tomorrow. I can’t believe the apartment is still available.”

  “It’s like it was meant to be.”

  “Thank you for doing this for me. I know it sucks to leave Shelly and Brody. I feel immense guilt leaving my mom.”

  “I didn’t think I would stop crying after we said goodbye to Khloe.” I inhaled deeply, remembering her big, red eyes as she cried watching us walk into the airport. “But we can’t spend our whole lives doing things to appease everybody else. Like your mom said: we have to live our lives for us.”

  He stroked my cheek with his thumb. “You are my whole world, you know that?”

  “Good. Remember that when girls are throwing their bras and panties at you while you’re on stage.”

  He shook his head as he leaned in. “Your bra and panties are the only ones I want.” He touched his lips to mine. Between the warmth of his lips and the passion behind them, his kiss sent electric shock waves throughout my entire body.

  The cab driver cleared his throat from the front seat. “Sorry to interrupt you, but we’re here.”

  Chase reached into the front seat to hand the driver his cash. While he hoisted our luggage out of the trunk, I stepped out of the cab and took a look around.

  Los Angeles looked exactly the same as Manhattan – tall buildings, endless stores to shop in, and picturesque outdoor cafes – with t
he exception of the tall palm trees lining both sides of the busy main road. I craned my neck to look up at the hotel before us. Dance music was pumping from the rooftop, and incredibly fit people in bathing suits could be seen with cocktail glasses in their hands.

  “A rooftop pool?” I raised an eyebrow at Chase. “How much did you spend for one night at this place?”

  “Don’t worry. Look,” Chase pointed over the tops of the trees. “There’s the Hollywood sign.”

  I held my hand up as a visor over my eyes, looking into the distance. “Wow. This is so surreal. We’re literally on the other side of the country.”

  He sported his excited grin as we rolled our luggage into the lobby. From his perfectly tousled blonde hair down to his jeans that looked like they were made precisely for him, Chase fit into our new environment effortlessly. I, on the other hand, was used to looking different everywhere I went due to my curly mane, but there were far more brunettes in Staten Island than what I could see here. The women here were definitely taller, too. I wondered if any of them were models. After we received our room keys, I swiped several brochures off of the counter and shoved them into my back pocket as we stepped into the elevator.

  “Is everyone tall and blonde here? I stick out like a sore thumb. I want to blend in with all the other fingers!”

  “You stand out no matter what color your hair is.” Chase hooked his finger into my belt loop and drew me closer to him. “I am so happy to be here with you.”

  “Me, too.”

  The elevator dinged, signaling we had arrived at our floor. We rolled our suitcases down the hallway until we reached our room. Inside, the floor-to-ceiling windows displayed a gorgeous view of the city. Chase immediately flopped onto the plush white comforter that was atop the king-sized bed. I laid my suitcase down next to the closet. When I looked at Chase, he was grinning from ear to ear, wearing a devilish expression on his face.

  I scrunched my nose up in confusion. “What?”

  He pointed to the nearby wall.

  My eyes followed in the direction of his finger, and I saw that the wall next to the bed was actually made out of glass – allowing for a complete view into the shower.

  I smirked. “How voyeuristic of you.”

  He chuckled. “I’m going to enjoy myself if we only have one night in this room.”

  I kicked my sneakers off, and unzipped my pants. “So, your plan is to watch me in the shower?” I shimmied my hips to pull my jeans down over my curves. “That’s it? That doesn’t sound like much fun.”

  Chase raised his eyebrows while he watched me step out of my pants. “Do you have a better idea?” He sat up on his elbows as I tugged my shirt up and over my head.

  I reached behind my back to unhook my bra, sliding it down my arms, and letting it fall to the floor. “An idea comes to mind.” I turned and made my way to the bathroom. “Unless you’d rather stay out there and watch,” I called.

  Within seconds, he appeared in the doorway, all of his clothes left on the floor in the other room.

  I pretended to be surprised while I turned the water on in the shower. “Oh, will you be joining me?”

  He followed me into the shower, and pressed me up against the glass wall. “I like your idea better.”

  * * *

  The next morning, I was awoken by a knock at the door. I quickly sat up in bed, forgetting where I was for a second. My memory was refreshed as soon as I saw the room service being wheeled in on a cart.

  Chase smiled when he saw I was awake. “Good morning, sunshine.”

  “Did you get pancakes?”

  He chuckled. “Of course I did.”

  “I can’t believe we didn’t eat dinner last night.” I looked around at all of our clothes strewn about the room while I reminisced.

  “You wouldn’t exactly let me get dressed to go anywhere,” he said with a wink.

  “What a good night it was, though. It’s worth the starvation I’m feeling right now.”

  “Here. Don’t starve.” He placed a heaping plate of pancakes in front of me on the comforter. “I even got you fresh fruit to put on top.”

  I tugged on his arm until his lips came down to mine. “Thank you. You’re the best boyfriend ever.”

  “Remember that when you’re mad about the girls throwing their bras and panties at me.”

  I smiled. “I’ll try.”

  We ate, took showers, and straightened up the room in time for checkout. I was anxious to meet Donnie, and to see the apartment we would be living in for an unknown amount of time.

  “You’re quiet,” Chase said once we were in the cab. “You don’t have to be nervous. Donnie is super nice. You’ll love the apartment.”

  I leaned my head on his shoulder. “I’m not nervous. I’m just tired from our sexcapades last night.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “You can’t fool me. I know you, remember?”

  I yawned. “Yeah, yeah.”

  He gently pulled my chin up so that he could look me in the eyes. “Give it some time. If you’re not happy here, all you have to do is say the word and we will leave. None of this matters to me if you’re not happy.”

  “I’ll be happy as long as I’m with you.”

  “Promise me.” He wasn’t letting me off easy.

  I held up my pinky, awaiting his. “I promise I’ll tell you if I’m not happy here.”

  Several minutes later, the cab rolled to a stop. I looked out the window to find we had pulled up to a storefront made mostly of tinted glass. It was surrounded by a building made of beige bricks that traveled up at least a couple of stories high, with a giant red neon sign displaying the words “The Underground” in script letters. A red-haired man with a fuzzy unkempt beard approached the cab. He wore black-rimmed glasses, and was smoking a cigarette. I resisted the urge to make fun of his skinny jeans when I realized that Chase was smiling at him.

  The man leaned into the passenger window to give the cab driver money.

  “Thanks, Don,” Chase said, stepping out of the cab. “You didn’t have to do that.”

  Donnie flicked his cigarette into the street, smoke streaming out of his nostrils. “It’s the least I can do. I’m sorry the apartment wasn’t ready in time for you.” He looked at me and smiled his toothy grin. “You must be Merritt.”

  I met his outstretched hand with mine. “You must be Donnie.”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Are you ready to make this kid famous?”

  “I’m ready,” I replied, not sure what exactly I was ready for.

  “Come inside. I’ll show you around, and then we can get your bags upstairs.”

  I looked up at the windows above. “The apartment is up there?”

  “Don’t worry.” Chase hugged me to his side. “We’re at the top, so you won’t hear too much noise.”

  Donnie held the door open for us as we walked inside. The unfinished wood floor, exposed ceiling, and red string lights gave off a vibe that matched the bar’s name precisely. Pinball machines lined the walls along the perimeter of the room. A shiny disco ball hung from the cement ceiling over a bare floor space, creating the illusion of a dance floor.

  “What do you think?” Donnie asked, both he and Chase looking at me for approval.

  “It’s perfect.”

  “Hell yeah, it is!” Donnie rubbed his hands together. “You have your first show tonight.”

  Chase raised his eyebrows. “Tonight? Already?”

  “Yes, sir. No time to waste. The guys will be over here around five o’clock. You’ll rehearse, catch up, and get ready to knock the socks off of everyone in here.”

  “When will the people from the record label be here to see them?” I asked.

  “Tonight. You’ll be here to support your man, I hope?”

  “Of course.” I looked at Chase, who was nervously running his fingers through his hair for the third time. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  Donnie reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys on a ring
, dangling it in front of Chase’s nose. “The keys to your new digs.”

  “Thanks, man. I really appreciate you doing this for us.”

  “When is rent due?” I asked. “Wait… how much is rent?”

  Donnie laughed. “Don’t worry about the rent just yet. These boys packed this place out last year. If they can do that again, rent won’t be necessary.”

  I raised a skeptical eyebrow.

  He laughed again. “All business. I like her. Show her around upstairs. I’ll see you guys later.”

  “Thanks again.” Chase held his hand out for me. “Ready to see your new home?”

  I straightened my shoulders. “I’m ready.”

  He led me through a door to the left of the bar. We walked up two flights in a dimly lit stairwell. At the top, Chase twisted the key into the doorknob, and gave the door a push.

  “Wow,” I breathed. Three large windows allowed the sunlight to come flooding into the spacious one-bedroom apartment. Two red velvet couches were pushed against exposed brick walls, facing a large flat screen television that was mounted to the wall. Nearby, a pool table stood in the open space to the right of the kitchen. At the kitchen island sat three red stools. All of the appliances were stainless steel, and looked unused.

  “Bedroom’s right through here.” Chase motioned to the door that was half-opened just past the kitchen. “I really hope you like red,” he called as he carried our suitcases inside.

  I stood at the window, in awe of the magnificent view. The sky was blue, the sun was shining, and the Hollywood sign could be seen far off into the distance over the tops of the palm trees. It looked like a dreamland – Chase’s dreamland. Though I felt lucky that he wanted me to be a part of his new life, I wondered how everyone was doing back home.

  It was difficult leaving my best friend, and all that I knew behind; it was difficult leaving Chase’s family, who had welcomed me in with open arms; it was difficult leaving after suffering through the death of my loved one, followed by the death of their loved one; but the thought that was currently stuck on repeat was the look on my mother’s face as I screamed at her to get away from me.