The Fight Within

by Laveen, Tiana

  “Oh, Asia loves stuff like that,” her mother piped up. “She is enrolled in cooking classes and likes to get hands on with seeing the produce, and how they grow stuff naturally.”

  Asia nodded, corroborating her mother’s take on the thing.

  “Hey, Sean.”

  “Yeah.”

  “According to the event guide, the Japanese hill and pond garden has some guy over there doing a magical show in about five minutes.”

  “Magic?” He looked up from his phone. “I can show ya magic, Asia. Here, give me some of that gum you had.”

  She arched a brow and twisted her lips in suspicion. The man was a practical joker, constantly getting one over. Nevertheless, she reached into her jacket and retrieved her bright emerald hued pack of double mint gum. She cherished the stuff, loving the flavor, the scent, the way the paper sounded as she undressed each and every piece. The total experience calmed her nerves, made her trust an untrustworthy world a tad bit easier. Handing him the pack, she observed him slide a silver stick out of its tight confinement. He passed it back to her and turned his portion over and over, waving it around as if it were swimming in an invisible sea.

  “What are you doing?” She chuckled, now completely convinced that Sean had not even one magical trick up his deceptive, illusionary sleeve.

  “What’s it look like? I’m putting this special brand of Sean mojo on it! Now, watch this!” Within the blink of an eye, he unwrapped the thing fast, his fingers working the paper in expert fashion. Soon he popped it into his mouth, noisily chewed it, then began to walk away, as if to say, ‘My job here is done.’ Her mother lowered her head and burst out laughing.

  “Alright, let’s go see this David Copperfield wannabe you speak of!” He smacked on the gum hard and heavy, his jaws no doubt getting a work out.

  “That’s all you got? That’s your magic trick?! I want a refund!” Asia put her hand on her hip, pretending to be annoyed yet hiding a runaway smile.

  “Didn’t you see my work? My magical craftsmanship? I got mad skills, yo! Pristo, presto, the gum went away-yo!”

  “Sean, keep your day job please. The only thing magical about that performance was that my common sense disappeared. I should have known this would be another one of your jokes!” All three burst out laughing as they headed over to the show. As they neared the pond, she loitered behind by several feet. She simply couldn’t help but watch them. In a way, it was like watching a couple of people she didn’t know—her mother was laughing, playing and goofing around. Not that Mom was necessarily the overly serious type, but she kept her composure more times than not, and had a professional way about her. Even when she and Dad were still together, she never smiled and laughed like this. Matter of fact, toward the end, she didn’t laugh at all, but she sure did cry when she thought no one heard her…

  “You want something to eat?” she heard him ask Mom before taking her hand and intertwining their fingers.

  “Um, we can wait a bit. Maybe after we leave from here, we can go get some pizza or something.”

  “Yeah, but if we are going to do that then I better pick up Brian first. I promised him we’d go out for dinner tonight.”

  “Oh, that was nice of you.” Her mother patted his back.

  And it was nice of him…

  Sean had promised her things, too, and he’d come through. He wasn’t just funny and good to her mother, the man cared. Dad barely called her or stopped by for a visit. She hated that she kept her feelings bottled up, but she simply couldn’t bring herself to tell Mama how hurt she felt. Mama couldn’t make him change, do the right thing, so what would be the point? Sean, on the other hand, was always around. He’d call to see how everyone was doing, even for only a minute or two. He always asked her how her day was at school and they’d discuss things, crazy things, funny things… She was learning a lot from him, and it surprised her how she now saw him as a role model.

  Whenever I get married, I want a man like Sean…

  She smiled to herself, blushing a bit when she caught him landing a kiss on her mother’s cheek, then run his big hand against the woman’s behind.

  He thought I didn’t see that…

  She burst out laughing, getting their attention.

  “There it is!” she exclaimed, pointing to a man dressed in black who was moving silky scarves around here and there, everywhere.

  “Okay Sean, this guy is going to show you how it’s done.”

  “You mean to tell me you didn’t like my bubble gum trick?!” He stopped in his tracks, as if truly annoyed by this revelation. “I taught this guy everything he knows!” he protested, causing her to dramatically roll her eyes and giggle. They huddled around the magician. The crowd grew larger and larger, people standing shoulder to shoulder to get a glimpse or two of the act.

  “Sean?”

  “Yeah?” He looked down at her, his amazing light green eyes hooded as he dipped low and placed his ear close to her mouth.

  “Thanks for bringing me along. I know you were just going to come with my mom and then I asked to come and you didn’t seem upset,” Asia whispered.

  “Why would I be upset?” He stood up straight, his brows bunched as if he were insulted by such a notion. “You don’t have to thank me, Asia.” He placed his arm around her shoulder. “This is what families do. They spend time together.”

  His words punched her in the heart and soothed her soul, all at once.

  Yeah, that is what families do…

  I wonder if Sean is here to stay? I hope so…or maybe he’ll leave us and never look back. He’s not my father; he owes Brian and me nothing. He’s not married to Mama, he doesn’t have to do anything with us that he doesn’t want to do. Why didn’t Dad treat Mama how Sean treats her? Why couldn’t he see how special Mama is? I guess it no longer matters. I guess I’ll just try to enjoy right here, right now. Right now, I’m happy. Right now, I’m having fun. But what about tomorrow? I just said I wouldn’t do that! I hate when my mind gets like this, I can’t concentrate. I wish Dad would come get me, take me somewhere. Nobody can replace Dad. But what is there to replace at this point? It’s not like he has big shoes to fill. Matter of fact, there aren’t any shoes there at all. You have to have once stood somewhere in order to walk away…

  Her mind raced with questions; confusion smothered her brain with a thick sauce that tasted fairly similar to resentment. The flying colors of the scarves seemed to move in slow motion, flowing like bird feathers flapping in the air. The crowd oohhhed and ahhhed, hands smacking together in frantic claps after each and every trick.

  The colors of the world swirled and blended together, tossing and turning against one another, and you never knew where one ended and one began. She reached for Sean’s hand. It was simply hanging there, inviting her over, and she latched onto it like a lifeline, gave it a gentle squeeze. He glanced down at her, still chewing his gum but much quieter now…and then, he offered a wink and held her hand a bit tighter before looking away, focusing once again on the man with the black velvet top hat and twirling colors of the rainbow…

  Purple, Red, Orange

  I knew you all too well –

  Love is in my heart,

  But I’ll never tell.

  I stand on Brooklyn soil

  Surrounded by petals so blue –

  I stared at my phone

  For an hour or two

  Dad, why’d you do this?

  You said that you would call –

  I pretend like I’m okay

  And smile through it all.

  The colors make me happy

  They surround me in their glory –

  Mama lived a nightmare

  Now she lives a love story

  I dance away my pain

  At least I can say I tried.

  I make sure to laugh

  When inside, I have crawled up and died…

  *

  ‘Dust rolls in the air as we punch the past, and then it settles on our floors waiting to
be swept away by our travelling feet as we head toward our future…’

  He recalled the lines in the article, but forgot who wrote the shit. Again and again, his fist connected with the swinging bright red punching bag. The sound of DJ Khaled’s, ‘Welcome to my Hood’ was turned up at full volume as he pummeled the bag with all of his might. Sean’s flesh tickled with freshly drawn rivulets of sweat, for he worked that thing over like it had stolen all his goddamn joy. It has been a bad morning, a real bad fucking morning. He was slated to graduate soon, but the damn college said he was missing some essential forms. Scrambling like eggs, he raced here and there, getting all the papers they said they needed, but it proved a rat race, during which they ping ponged him about like some cat toy in a cage full of silly kittens.

  ‘No, that office needs to send us this first…’

  ‘No, that office needs to signs off on this first…’

  BAM!

  He hit the bag again, making it swing wildly from left to right, then sway in awkward, misshapen circles.

  BAM! BAM! BAM!

  Somebody was going to pay for this shit!

  He couldn’t curse out the dean, and assaulting a stranger on the street would have resulted in his ass being in a world of trouble, plus, that just wasn’t his style. No…this would simply have to do.

  After delivering a debilitating punch, he raised his foot high in the air and kicked the bag so hard, it swung to the far right, rattling the thick ceiling chain it was attached to in a way that made the damn metal creek, rattle and groan.

  …He’d been doing that quite a bit lately…

  “Damn!” he heard a voice say from a distance, interrupting the stifled quiet. Looking over at the side of the dimly lit gym, he realized he was no longer alone in the desolate place. There, off to the far right side of the previously vacant gymnasium stood a willowy figure, encased in dark blue and gray shadows. The man came forward; exposing himself, causing Sean to glare at him in confusion as his eyes struggled to focus, make out the guy.

  “Brian, what are you doing here?” He steadied the punching bag, shut the music off, removed his big, crimson gloves, and tossed them onto the floor while approaching the fella.

  The boy shrugged, looking a bit despondent. “Just stopped by.”

  He raised a brow. “Yeah, but why?”

  “I really don’t know…”

  “Try again.” He huffed.

  “I guess to say thanks.”

  “For what?” Sean drew closer and reached into his navy blue duffle gym bag that he’d set on a peg-legged chair. He removed a ratty, old gray wash cloth with splotchy bleach stains and swiped it across his brow, taking the sweat induced sting away from his blinking eyes.

  “You know, for taking me to the studio and letting me see how music tracks are really laid down, letting me see how it’s professionally done. That’s the second time you’ve done that for me. I ’preciate that.”

  “Awww man,” Sean shook his head, reached for his warm water bottle and took a hearty swig before recapping it, “that’s nothing. I just told my friend Marshall about you is all. I knew he produced music for a lot of people around here and works as a DJ for a side gig. He makes a lot of my fight music remixes. Figured you might like that. I just let him know that my girlfriend’s son wanted to do the same thing, you know, make music. It wasn’t no big deal.” Sean shrugged. “He then told me to bring you by as often as I want, no sweat, really.”

  “Yeah it was a big deal.” Brian lifted his chin a bit higher and crossed his long arms, his expression serious. “He might be your boy, but you have to pay for studio time ’nd shit. I knew it wasn’t free and he had some really good equipment. The nice shit that everyone wants.”

  “No problem. Anyway, aren’t you supposed to be in school?” He arched a brow.

  “I had a half off day…tests today.”

  “Hmmm, okay.” He was a bit suspicious, but let the shit go. “You seem distracted. Is something on your mind?” He slid the water bottle back into his bag and plopped down in another chair beside it, motioning to another, inviting the boy to sit beside him, talk a bit.

  The guy hesitated, then moved a bit sluggishly until he too was seated, but he looked straight ahead, averting eye contact, as if he was about to confess to stealing a prized possession.

  “I don’t know.” He laughed without joy, staring down at his sparkling white Nike tennis shoes, the kind most kids his age adored. “I said I came down here to thank you, and I did. But, honestly, I don’t even know why I’m here… That shit coulda waited until I saw you at my house tonight.”

  “Yeah, well, stop playing games, please. You know why you’re here. What’s going on, Brian? What’s the problem?”

  They were quiet for a moment or two…

  “I really ain’t got nobody to talk to.” The boy kept his head down and pushed his feet off on their sides, back and forth, back and forth, nervously moving about in the cheap orange plastic chair. “I mean, I got friends…but I don’t want to talk to them about this stuff. I don’t like everybody knowin’ my business. That’s where people mess up…running off at the mouth, and then they can use that shit against you. It’s best…” He paused, seemingly trying to talk himself out of releasing his demons. “It’s best most times just to be quiet, keep that to yourself.”

  Sean leaned in a bit closer and wrapped his arm around the back of the boy’s chair.

  Brian gradually raised his head and stared into his eyes…

  The intensity…the hurt was written all over his poor, wretched face.

  He has his mother’s eyes…nothing but soul…

  “My mother really likes you. She trusts you and uh,” he looked away once again, rumpling up the material of his jeans, playing with the stiff wrinkles he’d created in the dark denim, “that made me want to stop messin’ around, making things hard for you and try to see what you were all about. Plus, when I confronted you when we first met, you ain’t backed down. I had mad respect for you after that. On top of that, I could see you loved my mama, and you wasn’t a bad guy… I figured you ain’t deserve all of that. Even after how I treated you, you did this for me, told your friend about my dream. At the studio, the way you acted with me, like…like you’d known me forever. And just like, I don’t know,” he shrugged, then looked back at him, “how you treat Asia and everything, it made me miss my father even more… I wish—I wish my dad acted like you.” He swallowed and stared down at the floor, his body hunched over a trifle, putting distance between them. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Yeah.” Sean nodded.

  “Are your father and mother married? Are they together?” the boy questioned, keeping his gaze fixed to the floor.

  “Yeah. Yeah they are. Happily married, actually.”

  The boy sniffed and nodded, as if the revelation pleased him and elicited jealousy all at once.

  “Asia and I are not really on my dad’s radar right about now.” He grinned…a sad grin, the kind that made Sean’s heart beat a bit slower, fall a bit and flip with anxiety. “I call him and he always acts like he’s too busy to talk. He’s been real angry lately, more so than usual. I don’t know what’s goin’ on.” His shoulders slumped. At that moment, Brian sounded like the child that he actually was. Instead of hearing sixteen-year-old style bravado, a boy pretending to be a man, the truth was revealed. Brian had dropped the mask of protection, allowed vulnerably, inviting Sean inside once and for all. He accepted his fate and fell into his natural role of a hurt child.

  “He talks to my mother all crazy sometimes, but she comes right back for him even more now, and that just makes him more pissed. What really got me fucked up is that uh…” he ran his finger against the inside of his palm, fidgeting like mad, “he called me the other night, not to see about me or Asia, you know, ask how we was doin’… he ain’t ask about us at all. All he wanted to know was about you and my mama. He ain’t even know I’d been in a fight that day, got suspended for two days.” The boy sc
ratched the side of his nose with his left pointer finger, and hunched over a tad bit more.

  “You were in a fight?” Sean smirked. “That must’ve been what your mother was upset about the other day but told me she’d talk to me about it later. All I knew was that it concerned you and school.”

  “Yeah.” Brian shrugged. “Probably. It wasn’t even my fault, but he didn’t ask. He didn’t say hi or nothing. He called me on my cell and asked if you be spending the night at the house and asked what you two do, where you go together, all kinds of shit like that.”

  Sean took a couple of seconds to roll the information around in his mind then asked, “And how did you respond?”

  “I told him I didn’t know. I lied to him, and I ain’t even care that I had. He jealous I guess…who fuckin’ cares?” He shrugged. “I know one thing though.” Laughing, he sat back in his chair and crossed his ankles, taking a slow gander at him. “I know he isn’t shit and I hate his guts…I know that.” The tension in the room grew tenfold. Brian sucked his teeth as he grinned, the kind of smile a motherfucker gives right before he punches a bastard’s lights out. “I know he only cares about his goddamn himself. He ain’t even want kids, man. He think I don’t know that, but I do.” He nodded a time or two, as if he hadn’t said anything too important.

  “Why would you think that?”

  “’Cause one time when I was like ten or somethin’, they were arguing in their bedroom late at night and I heard him say, ‘You wanted these damn kids, not me! Now you mad because I’m never home with them but that’s not my fault…’ Some shit like that.”

  The tightness in his chest increased at the cruelty of the words the boy had overheard. He wrapped his arm around his back, hurting badly on his behalf. Brian looked away, yet kept on going…rolling in his pain.

  “I don’t even think my dad love me, man. I think he thinks he does, but I don’t believe he truly does. My mother was the one who did everything for us. He always seemed to think since he was makin’ money and buying us shit, that made him a good father. That don’t make a you good dad, man. That make you a fuckin’ sponsor!” the boy roared. Sparkling tears made a show of themselves in the corners of his eyes.