Rage to Live

by Shirley Anne Edwards

  She didn’t have a problem with clutter like her sisters, or even Tris and Jo. No piles of dirty clothes or books on the floor taking up space. Her clutter consisted of a wide array of pictures with her and various people in different stages of her life.

  Most of the pictures showed Arielle with her AGP sisters. Tris appeared in a few of them. The older ones displayed a younger Arielle from high school. I inspected one picture to get a better look. It was Arielle at her high school graduation. Her brother Will stood next to her. He didn’t have the hipster style yet, although he wore glasses. Near them were a much older man and woman. Those must have been her parents. Her father was white, her mother black.

  This was the first visual proof that Arielle came from a mixed marriage. Her mother didn’t look like an alcoholic, but then again, I couldn’t tell based on the picture. Mrs. Forest was as beautiful as her daughter—the beauty gene must run in the family. Mr. Forest had an authoritative air to him. But based on his smile, and his arm around Arielle, he was proud of her. Love for his daughter shone in his eyes.

  After Mom died, Dad wasn’t big on taking pictures. The ones taken before she died had been left at the house in the back of a closet collecting dust. Maybe I would finally have an updated one with both of us at my high school graduation. Or, at the very least, Aunt Eloise and her crew would pose with me.

  Arielle would return soon. She’d been gone long enough. I set the picture back down, and none too soon, because the knob turned and the door opened. She entered with the pizza, with her phone to her ear. A disgruntled expression lined her face.

  Dropping the pizza on the coffee table in front of the couch near the window, she rolled her eyes and tapped her foot.

  “Listen, Dennis, I don’t care if Robyn came to you crying about me. What she and I had, and what we all shared together, is over. When I said, ‘let’s just be friends,’ that’s what I meant. If you’re fine with it, I don’t understand why she isn’t.”

  My ears perked up at Robyn’s name. It must have had to do with her confrontation earlier.

  Arielle let out a loud sigh and rolled her head back on her shoulders. “Lord, save me. I can’t deal with this right now.” She shook her head and opened her mouth to speak, but paused. She slapped the side of her leg and grunted. “You’re not listening, so goodbye.” She hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed.

  “Argh.” She made a strangling motion in the air. “Dennis and Robyn are perfect together. They don’t know when to quit.”

  “They’re together as in dating?” I asked as Arielle paced in front of me.

  She walked over to her minifridge and opened it, pulling out two bottles of water. “They’re not together like that. It’s complicated.”

  “Sure sounds like it,” I said, confused by the whole situation.

  She sat on her bed facing me and held out the bottle for me to take. “Dennis and I… dated my freshman year. Eventually Robyn came along and wanted to be a part of our duo.”

  I stopped in the middle of twisting off the cap as I digested the bombshell.

  “Are you saying the three of you dated each other at the same time?” How would that work out? Someone was bound to get jealous, and it looked like Robyn.

  A flush rose up Arielle’s face, and she stared at her lap. “It’s difficult to explain. I don’t want you to think poorly of me.”

  “Why would I? You think I’ll get upset that while you were with Dennis, you dated Robyn also?”

  She laughed, but there wasn’t any joy in it. Her face was now a deep red. “When I say Dennis and I dated, I mean we fooled around a lot. He was my go-to for sex. A few months later, Robyn joined us.” She peered up at me and took a swig of her water. “Do you now understand what I mean?”

  In the middle of lifting the bottle to my mouth, I jerked, making water spill down my chin. The shock of fully understanding what Arielle meant came over me. Whoa.

  “The three of you together, together?” I waved my hand in a circle indicating the bed.

  She took a long drag of her water. “Yeah, for a short time. I ended things because of the complications.”

  “Yeah, those complications sure sound… complicated.” I wiped away the water drying on my face, more than enough questions running through my head.

  She rested her forearms on her knees, her bottle hanging in between her legs as she stared up at me through her eyelashes. The way she stared made my chest tighten. She was acting shy, but there was another story lurking deep inside I wanted to know.

  “Does this change anything for us?” She rolled the bottle between her palms.

  I should have been more cautious based on my past experience, but something about Arielle told me she wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. Instead of revealing such a personal thing about herself, she could have lied or not said anything at all.

  “I just have more questions now. But it shouldn’t change our… friendship. I’m just surprised you would be so open with me about your private business.”

  “It’s private to a certain point.” Her lips twisted into a grimace. “There was some gossip and rumors about the three of us, but eventually it died down. It’s a good thing we’re pretty popular on campus.”

  “If you weren’t popular, it would be a lot worse for you?” I totally understood. “You are the dean’s daughter, and Dennis is the handsome quarterback, and—”

  “And Robyn’s parents are big donors to the college and best-selling celebrity authors,” She pointed out. “If we were nobodies, it would be a lot worse for us, trust me.” She studied the floor in front of her again.

  The once easygoing atmosphere had been replaced by an almost smothering tension. Added to it was the sudden pounding of rain hitting the window, followed by a loud boom of thunder. We both jumped and locked eyes.

  She stared at me, her head slightly tilted to the left. I set my bottle on the desk and wiped my palms on my jeans. Holding my breath, I reached out and gave her a tentative pat on the shoulder. Her hand came up and landed on mine, squeezing.

  We stayed there until another crash of thunder vibrated outside. Then her hand slipped away from mine. She got up from the bed and went over to the coffee table where the pizza was.

  “Still interested in pizza and Sex and the City?” she asked, a plea in her voice.

  My stomach creaked in hunger, and I rose from my chair. “Definitely.”

  She responded with a bright smile that made me want to take her in my arms and keep her close.

  I WOKE up out of a sound sleep, sudden and quick. But at least I didn’t scream bloody murder. It might have been the rain pinging the window that woke me. Or the snoring in the room. Maybe the hum of the television. Whichever sound, it made me aware of my surroundings, and I realized I wasn’t in bed in Jo’s room. She wasn’t the one snoring, but Arielle, who I was wrapped around on the couch we had sat on while watching TV.

  She lay underneath me with her mouth wide open as she snored from deep in her throat. Sometime during the night, I must have dozed off, and she’d done the same. My head was wedged in her side, one arm across her waist. Both her arms lay near her head, her palms facing up.

  I didn’t move but just stared at her sleeping form, peaceful even when a snore erupted from her mouth. The warmth of her body lulled me into drowsiness.

  The window rattled from the wind, making her quiet down. She moaned and turned her head, lines on her forehead forming as she shifted. Stretching her arms over her head, she licked her lips, leaving a wet shine behind. I licked my own, tasting the remains of chocolate from the chocolate milk we’d drank after we ate the pizza. Chocolate milk was Arielle’s ultimate guilty pleasure. An innocent treat we’d both enjoyed while we watched a few hours of television together.

  I raised my arm, letting it hover over her stomach. Her top rode up, showing skin and her belly-button ring. I lowered my hand, molding the air above, pretending I was actually touching her.

  “Hey” came her sleepy greeting. />
  I jerked, my hand falling on her stomach. With an apology on my lips, I started to remove it, but she dropped her hand over mine.

  “It’s late. I should go.” The rain should have been a big incentive to keep me there. I wanted to stay.

  “Not yet. Wait until the rain lets up.” She moved her hand down to my wrist, tracing the fine hairs there with her fingers. Hypnotized, my eyelids fluttered.

  My head start to dip down, close enough for me to lay my cheek near Arielle’s hip. But I froze when her other hand petted my head.

  “Charlie, look at me,” she instructed.

  I glanced up at her face, still groggy with sleep. Her hair framed her face, her curls sticking to her throat. I moved my hand out from under hers and found a curl in the middle of her throat, taking possession of it.

  “I’m jealous of your hair,” I said, awestruck by how it surrounded her like a halo, touching her so protectively.

  Her fingers ran down the side of my face, stopping at my mouth. She rubbed my bottom lip and then grazed the middle of my chin with her finger. She started to sit up, and I followed, tasting my heart in my throat as her face came near.

  “I want to kiss you.” She set her lips on my cheek.

  “Ok—”

  Her mouth shifted and landed on mine.

  I clutched her waist, waiting for her to do more. She exhaled through her nose, and with a suck, clamped down on my lips. I opened my mouth and paused, clueless about the next step. She took control, and her lips rubbed and pushed up and down, with more sucking and some licking. I may have sighed. I inched my tongue forward, meeting hers.

  She increased the pressure of the kiss as her hands came up and cupped my face, her fingers tracing my skin. She climbed up on her knees, over me, and I toppled back with her on top. She kept kissing me and then added the rocking of her hips, wedging her knee in between my legs and rubbing some more.

  I tried finding my breath as she kept her mouth on mine, stealing it from me. With her one hand in my hair, her other ran down my front and found the waistband of my jeans, plucking at them.

  “I’m going to make you feel so good. Let’s make it happen.” She tugged on my jeans, the top button releasing.

  I opened my eyes, no longer seeing Arielle, but Byron. He had said almost the exact same thing when he assaulted me.

  “Stop,” I whimpered, my voice lost as Arielle took it away with her hard kisses.

  “Oh God, Charlie,” she whimpered and bit down on my lip.

  I sobbed and sputtered, flashbacks of Byron tearing into me, making my stomach churn and my throat sting as vomit bubbled in my chest.

  “No!” I wrenched my head to the side and slapped her in the chest.

  She cursed and lifted up, but not far enough for me to escape. I thrust her back, stunning her as she rolled to the floor.

  My vision blurred, and the room spun. The roaring in my ears fogged my brain. Stumbling to my feet, I banged the coffee table with my hip, but the pain didn’t stop me as I scooped up my bag from the floor and ran to the door. Arielle called out my name, but I ignored her and opened the door, darting in the hall.

  She yelled my name again, close enough I swore she was right behind me. I turned quickly as I reached the stairwell, spotting her wincing and rubbing her head as she gripped the wall. The door next to hers opened, and someone walked out, asking what was wrong.

  I ran down the three flights of stairs and opened the side door to the outside. The rain poured down, leaving dirty puddles in the grass I stomped through, the water seeping into my sneakers and staining my legs. I sprinted down the sidewalk, showered by the rain, huffing and wheezing, my heart driving into my mouth as I became winded. It wasn’t until I was a block away from Aunt Eloise and Uncle Abe’s house that I stumbled to my knees under a tree and puked.

  I expelled vomit, bile, and God knew whatever else, scraping my cheek on the rough bark, not caring if I left a mark. I expunged the sickness inside of me, and the shame, but it wouldn’t change anything. I was still damaged and ruined, and I would never be normal ever again.

  Chapter ELEVEN

  MY CLOGGED nose and stuffy head joined in my misery. The near boiling hot shower I took hadn’t helped, nor Aunt Eloise’s sleeping pills that I’d found in the medicine cabinet I woke the next morning drugged and sick, hacking into my pillow.

  But my cold allowed me to hide for a couple of days, and I didn’t to go to school on Monday. Aunt Eloise assumed I’d become ill from getting caught in the rain as I walked home, trying to make my curfew. Why didn’t I call her to come pick me up, she had asked? I didn’t think the rain would make me so sick, I answered with a cotton mouth. She had left me alone after that, not even questioning why I had jumped right into the shower and stayed there for a good hour until the wet heat had scorched my skin.

  Before Jo left for school, she promised she would make her grandmother’s homemade chicken soup for me. As soon as she left, I covered my face with a pillow to quiet my crying, even though no one was around to hear.

  Crying didn’t help. Misery weighed me down like a blanket as I stared up at the ceiling. When would I breathe again without pain?

  The dark and gloomy morning matched my mood perfectly. The rain and wind were much calmer but didn’t soothe my battered soul that wanted so much to heal. I scraped my palm down my face, stopping at my mouth, my fingertips tracing my dry lips as I remembered Arielle’s kisses. Because of the way I’d reacted, I would never receive another from her.

  I sighed in sorrow but then began coughing, a fire in my chest and lungs. That was how Tris found me. Without even knocking, she opened the bedroom door and walked inside, sitting at the bottom of my bed as I finished my coughing fit.

  “Wh-what are you doing he-here?” I asked, even though I was breathless and hoarse.

  “Jo told me you’re sick.” She pressed the back of her hand on my cheek. “You have a fever.”

  “I probably have the flu. You’ll want to stay away from me.” I fell back on the bed, coughing into my fist.

  She didn’t listen to my warning. She scooted up until she sat next to me with her back against the headboard. “You’re sick because you were caught out in the rain. Stupid move.”

  “I wasn’t thinking.” I drew the covers up to my chin. “Arielle told you what happened?”

  She crossed her arms and glowered at me. “I don’t understand why you didn’t find me so I could drive you home.”

  “I panicked.” I closed my eyes as if that would block out the scenes of Arielle kissing me and my scary reaction. “She kissed me, and I freaked out. I may have hit her in the face or head.”

  “She came to me worried and embarrassed right after you left.” She ran her fingers along the crown of my head. “She thought she was too rough. She feels horrible. Is that true?”

  “She didn’t do anything wrong. I’m to blame.” Tears welled in my eyes, and I covered my face.

  Tris lowered onto her side, and I found myself in her arms as I sobbed into her chest. “She said something when she kissed me that Byron said when he….” I gasped and coughed.

  She drummed my back, helping me work through my cough. “Stop blaming yourself. Your reaction is normal under the circumstances. But Arielle doesn’t know why. If you’re interested in her, you have to tell her what happened to you.”

  “You didn’t tell her?” I wiped my nose.

  “I just told her you have some issues you’re working out.”

  “Some issues? Try a million.” I groaned and rolled on my back. “She’s probably going to figure out why I have issues.”

  “Probably.” She started playing with my hair again. “But she’ll end up thinking the worst. If your relationship is going to evolve, you have to trust her.”

  “And you think one way to do that is telling her about my rape.” I pulled the cover over my head, ready to stay, hidden and swallowed up by the insulated darkness.

  She jerked it down, frustration clear on he
r face. “I can’t even comprehend what you went through, so my advice might be total shit. But it may help to talk to someone about it, like Arielle. She’s been there for other women, especially our sisters who have been physically assaulted.”

  “Are you going to start spouting facts about rapes at college?” I shifted away from her and hoisted the sheet to cover my face again.

  When she touched my back, I didn’t flinch or push her away. As her arm came around me and she tucked her chin on my shoulder, I let her embrace me.

  “What if she can’t handle what I tell her? What if… she rejects me?” I squeezed her hand hard.

  “Then she’s not worth it. But I honestly don’t think she’ll do it. Remember, she was there when you passed out at the fair at the college and stayed by your side even at the hospital.” She linked our fingers together. “She sees something special in you. She wants to help.”

  “Help what? Heal me?” Even if Arielle did end up supporting me, it was up to me to heal myself.

  “Maybe.” With one last squeeze, she moved back.

  I curled my hands under my chin and tucked my knees to my chest. I didn’t want to talk any longer. All I wanted to do was sleep and ignore the world around me, like last year.

  Tris got up from the bed. “I have a few hours to kill until my first class. I’ll make us some grilled cheese sandwiches and soup while you take a hot shower.”

  “I’m not hungry,” I said, more wide-awake now, but I just wanted to be left alone to stare at the walls.

  “I’m sticking around because I have some laundry to do.” Tris’s voice sounded closer to the door. “Arielle gave me the books for a paper you’re writing for class. There’s also a note she wrote with them. You should read it.”

  “She wrote a note? Why didn’t she just text me?” I lifted up on my elbow.

  Tris leaned against the side of the doorway with her arms hugging her chest. “Maybe if you read the note, you’ll understand why she wrote it.”