Rage to Live

by Shirley Anne Edwards

  She left but didn’t close the door.

  Rolling on my back, I dug my knuckles against my forehead to relieve the pressure there. Hiding away in this room wouldn’t solve anything. I had learned that the hard way. As horrible as I felt, I needed to get up.

  I threw back the covers and dropped my feet to the floor, ready for a shower.

  ARIELLE HAD pretty handwriting. Some would even call it elaborate. The words on the page matched the paper, elegant and polished. I even did something insane—well, more on the odd side. I held the paper to my nose and sniffed. It still smelled like paper. It wasn’t a love note sprayed with Arielle’s perfume. It was a note of apology and of understanding. It was a good thing I hadn’t read it in front of Tris, because she would have found me sitting on the bottom steps of the stairs, crying into my hand to muffle the sounds.

  I shed enough tears to last two lifetimes. The majority were ones of pain and suffering. But my reaction to Arielle’s note was one of wonder and relief. That note motivated me to rejoin the world. I owed it to her. I had to see her and explain.

  Her note lay in my jacket pocket with my cell phone. I had wanted to text her back to see if we could meet, but fear kept me from doing so. Instead I would use the element of surprise. Tris was more than happy to tell me where I could find Arielle on Tuesday afternoon. She worked at the campus bookstore from two to six. Still recovering from being sick, I stayed home from school again. I spent most of the morning on edge and nervous.

  I spotted her near a table of shirts she was rearranging. She wore a burgundy tee with the bookstore name in the middle, which meshed well with her white pants and white hoop earrings. Silver bracelets encircled her left wrist, and she had changed her nail color to a dark purple. Her nails glistened as her hands moved. I dipped my fingers into my pockets, flexing. I wanted to take her hand. But if I had any type of shot at that, I had to speak to her first.

  I grabbed the door and opened it, a bell ringing overhead. Standing behind the counter, a woman in a green shirt said hello. I nodded but stared at Arielle. She looked up with a friendly smile on her face. Recognizing me, her smile dimmed.

  Swallowing down my nervousness, I approached her slowly, not rushing the way I wanted to. I didn’t want to scare her off.

  I stopped when I stood on the opposite side of the table. “Hey.”

  “Hi. I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”

  I cleared my throat, still inflamed from my cold. “I-I needed to talk to you sooner than later about Saturday night.”

  She folded her hands in front of her stomach, standing perfectly still. “You sound like you have a cold.”

  “I did, I mean I do. I made the mistake of walking home in the rain Saturday night. I was sick Sunday and Monday.” I added an extra sniff to prove I told the truth.

  The concern in her eyes made me shift left to right. She didn’t move or react. She was like a statue.

  But then she swallowed hard enough that her throat bobbed, and her bracelets jingled as she lowered her arms to her side. “How did you know I work here?”

  “Tris told me. She told me I should talk to you about Saturday.” I drew out her note. “I also read your note. I can’t think of the last time someone wrote me on such beautiful paper. I didn’t think people still wrote letters.”

  “I actually enjoy writing and sending letters, if you can believe it.” Her chin dipped to her chest, and she stared at the table.

  She was adorable. I wanted to lean across the table and kiss her. But I would never do such a thing. Instead I set the note on top of a pile of T-shirts. “You free to talk?”

  She took her cell from her pocket. “I get off from work in ten minutes. We’ll chat then. Okay?”

  “Sounds good. I’ll wait outside.”

  “Charlie, you forgot something.” She held out the note. The cheerful light had returned to her eyes.

  I grabbed the note, but she didn’t let go. Our hands were suspended in the air.

  “If you end up losing or misplacing this note, I may have to write you another one,” she said, then released it.

  I curled my hand around the paper.

  “DO YOU mind if we sit outside?” I asked Arielle as we walked past the quad. “We don’t have many days left to enjoy the warm weather.” Groups of students took advantage of the last remaining hours of daylight. Some sat on blankets in the middle of the green, while some tossed a football around or played soccer. The setting sun blasted a nice glow in the purple-and-orange sky.

  Arielle wore a button-down sweater over her shirt. “I heard next week the temperatures are dropping. Soon we’ll wear coats and scarves.”

  I had on a long-sleeve shirt, so I didn’t have any complaints. I stopped when we reached a vacant bench facing the front of the quad and offering a perfect view of the setting sun. “Want to sit here?”

  “Sure.” She sat straight with her hands on her knees while I slouched with my legs splayed in front of me. Maybe one day I would have better posture like her.

  But she didn’t seem to mind my sprawl. She twisted in her seat, facing me with her arm perched on the edge of the bench and the side of her head resting on her palm.

  “Have you watched any more episodes of Sex and the City?” I rubbed my palms on my jeans. I hated how damp they became when I was nervous.

  She didn’t act nervous. She was extremely calm and collected. “I’m waiting to watch the rest with you.”

  I crossed one ankle over the other. “You still want to watch it with me even after my meltdown?”

  Now she looked unsettled. She plucked at one of her sweater buttons. “I should be the one apologizing for kissing you and being too aggressive. I wasn’t think—”

  “No. Don’t apologize.” I lifted my hand in a stopping motion, which made her lips twitch in humor. When I realized what I’d done, I lowered my arm. She started to grab it but then stopped.

  “I won’t freak out if you hold my hand.” I hated that I had caused her to doubt herself. Because of me.

  “If I touch you, I’ll want to kiss you.” This time she hugged her chest.

  Oh. Something warm shifted near my belly. My mouth went dry, and not because of my congestion. If we kissed, it would lead to other things, which I wasn’t sure I was ready for.

  I straightened, causing my shoulder to brush hers. I relaxed when she didn’t flinch or add more space between us. I kept my shoulder there.

  “How does your head feel? I didn’t mean to hit you when I….” I cleared my throat, the words difficult to find.

  “I was just stunned. No harm, no foul.” Her shoulders lifted as she inhaled. “I never meant to… I would never hurt you. If you tell me no, or to stop, I’ll listen.”

  “I know you would never intentionally hurt me. But I have trust issues. I… I’m damaged.” I jabbed my nail into the faded denim on my knee, making a small tear.

  From the corner of my eye I noticed her lifting her hand off her lap and toward me. Squeezing my eyes shut, I turned my hand over, palm up. She gently laid her palm on mine. I went one step further and curled my fingers around hers.

  “Explain why you feel you’re damaged.” She rubbed her shoulder against mine.

  “I should be a freshman in college, not a high school senior. I stayed back because I stopped going to school last year.” I spoke so low, I wasn’t sure if she heard me.

  Her fingers flexed around mine. “Why did you stop going last year?”

  My eyelids twitched, almost making me open my eyes. For once only darkness was there, not the horrible flashbacks I was used to. “A few months before my senior year, I was raped by a former student. His sister and I were in the same grade. We were involved, but we kept it a secret.”

  Arielle’s other hand dropped over our combined ones. “You were raped?” Her voice came out as a hoarse whisper.

  I nodded. “He raped me at his high school graduation party, in his bedroom. He did it because he had feelings for me. But because I lo
…cared for his sister, and not him, he raped me.”

  When Arielle traced the inside of my wrist where I’d cut myself, I opened my eyes. Everything blurred from tears that threatened to fall.

  “Did he give you this scar?” She pressed her finger on it.

  My pulse there beat hard. She had to feel it throbbing. I wanted to take off and run, but I remained while she touched me.

  “I did that to my wrist. I tried to kill myself a few months after the rape. I agreed to a cash settlement from his father so my case wouldn’t go to trial. My dad thought it would be the best thing for me because he didn’t think I was strong enough to go through a criminal trial that might take years.” I bit down on my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. “My rapist’s father is a respected judge with a lot of power and clout in our community. Instead of going through a trial, I took the settlement.” I laughed and covered my mouth, scrubbing the skin there. “I’m rich now, so it doesn’t matter if I even graduate high school. But I have to graduate and go to college. If I do, then maybe I can move on and be normal.”

  Arielle lifted our hands to her face. I blinked and wiped away the tears pooling in my eyes. A few stray ones fell down my cheeks.

  “You came here to start over.” Her warm breath blew over our hands.

  I clutched her, my fingers digging into her skin. “I ran away. I couldn’t deal with it. Everyone in my hometown knows what happened. My dad accepted a new job in another country to get away from me, his ruined daughter who has panic attacks and can’t sleep at night. His daughter he admitted to a mental hospital because she’s suicidal.”

  Wrenching my hands away from Arielle, hacking sobs erupted from my chest. As I hunched over my knees, she put her arms around me. She tried shushing me, but I was lost in my suffocating misery. She said my name, so full of sadness and pain that it broke through my grief. I wiped my face in her shirt and then looked at her. Tears stained her face.

  “Why are you crying for me? I don’t deserve it.” I fisted her shirt below her chest.

  She cupped my face and dropped her forehead onto mine. “I’m crying because I’m in pain for you… and because I care about you.”

  I jerked back, shaking my head. “How… why would you care for me?”

  “I just do.” She kissed my forehead.

  I jumped up from the bench as if scalded. “I can’t give you what you want. I’m all tapped out. I once loved someone with everything I had inside of me. She used me without giving anything back. She treated me like her dirty secret for two years. It ended between us when her brother beat me and raped me in his bedroom down the hall from hers.” I backed away and curled my arms around my head as Arielle reached out for me. But she didn’t stand and grab me. She just stared in disbelief.

  “Larissa, that’s her name, also cried like you. The last time we saw one another, she almost puked because she cried so hard. She begged me to not press charges against her brother because it would ruin his life. But what about me?” I pitched forward, rocking. “I didn’t matter because her brother was more important than me, her lover. Even then I still wanted her to love me, so I signed the settlement. She got what she wanted and tossed me away. One night, after I took a shower, I broke the bathroom mirror and slashed my wrist with one of the pieces of glass.” I studied my hands, lifting them to Arielle. “My hands are still stained with my blood, even though it was washed away. I’m guilty of attempted murder because I tried to take another life, my own—”

  “Stop!” She hunched over her knees with her hands in her hair, tugging. She even began to rock. I’d finally broken her down.

  “I can’t stop. It will never stop.” I hugged my chest and rubbed my arms. “There are many reasons, actually five million of them, why I shouldn’t be in your life.”

  “Five million dollars?” She stared at me with total devastation on her face.

  “That’s how much I sold my soul for. Five million dollars is the going rate for taking my virginity and tearing me inside and out. Not a bad deal, right?” Now I was trembling all over. Purple orbs floated in front of my eyes and my head pounded, exactly like the reaction I’d had to Matilda’s phone call.

  Arielle pressed her palms together near her mouth as though she was praying. “I need a mome—”

  “I don’t care what you need,” I spat, digging my knuckles against the side of my head.

  She sniffed and closed her eyes, her face now hovering over her knees.

  I didn’t have anything left inside me. I left her there broken and defeated.

  Chapter TWELVE

  I PULLED the hood of my sweatshirt over my head as the wind picked up. Leaves tumbled across the lawn and around the swing set. I sat on one of the swings, not caring how much the temperature had dropped. The cold didn’t bother me. Why would it? I was dead inside.

  I sounded too dramatic, but after telling Arielle about my rape, I felt drained. It probably had to do with the urge to break down in tears, or the lack of sleep. I was running on fumes. I tried hiding it by going to school and pretending everything was okay. It had become worse, especially since Arielle hadn’t contacted me again. No handwritten notes or text messages since Tuesday. Now, five days later, I’d rather freeze outside than stay inside a cozy house where the welcomed smells of Aunt Eloise’s cooking permeated everything.

  I had a perfect view of her in the kitchen as she cooked. She also had the same view of me. Every so often she would look up from whatever she was busy with and watch me. Instead of ignoring her, I would wave or present a small smile to make her think I was fine. But I could only trick her for so long. She would catch on, especially if she ever woke up in the middle of the night and saw me sitting on the bathroom floor with my head between my knees. I’d ended up there after an intense nightmare, covering my sobs so I didn’t wake up Jo—who, thank God, had been dead to the world.

  “Dead to the world” described me perfectly. But I was still here, alive but as close to death inside as I could get.

  I clutched the chains on the swing, the cold metal marking my flesh. I had been out here way too long and would have to go back inside soon to avoid any questions or interrogation. But for now, I was free. Aunt Eloise was busy cooking the perfect dinner for her family, as she did every Sunday night when her children and her husband ate together, including me, whom they treated like one of their own.

  She was washing fresh vegetables in the sink. Uncle Abe came up behind her, making her jump. He presented her with a bouquet of pink irises, her favorite flower. Tomorrow was her birthday. Tonight, we would celebrate with a cake Tris had baked. I’d bought a gift card for one of Aunt Eloise’s favorite restaurants in town. At least I’d bought it with my first week’s paycheck at my new job. I didn’t have to beat myself up on whether I should access that special account with all those zeros.

  I hadn’t known Aunt Eloise’s birthday was close to Dad’s. His was in two weeks. Every year I made him a home-cooked dinner for his birthday, exactly like Aunt Eloise was doing for tonight. The one night he would actually leave work early enough to eat with me, complete with dessert. Last year I’d made the mistake of trying to kill myself the day before his birthday. I never did make his special birthday dinner, after that. When I asked weeks later if he wanted me to cook dinner to make up for my mistake, he refused, saying this year for his birthday he wanted me to get better. I tried my best to make him believe I was much better, and not have him stressed that he might come home one day after work and find me bleeding out in the bathroom or hanging from the chandelier in the dining room.

  The sliding glass doors opened, and Tris stepped onto the deck. She wasn’t dressed for the outside either, other than a sweatshirt embroidered with APG letters in the middle of her chest. She walked off the deck toward me, her arms hugging her chest to keep warm.

  “Mind if I join you?” she asked when she reached my side.

  “It’s your swing set, so do what you want.” I swung my legs in the air instead of dragging m
y sneakers in the dirt.

  She claimed the swing next to me but didn’t lift off into the air. “You’ve been out here for a while. Not frozen yet?”

  “It’s not too bad out here.” I lowered my legs and dropped my feet. “I’m over my cold.”

  She pulled her hair over one shoulder and combed it with her fingers. “Paul and Beau are playing video games, and Jo is on the phone with one of her friends gossiping about boys, I think.”

  “Not interested in helping your mom with dinner?” I glanced at the kitchen where Aunt Eloise and Uncle Abe were hugging one another. As he lowered his face to kiss her, I studied my lap.

  “Mom and Dad have it under control.” She didn’t sound disgusted by her parents kissing.

  I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. “Your parents are affectionate after being married for so long.”

  “They usually kiss and hug when they think no one is around. But they do like holding hands or snuggling together on the couch even if us kids are there.” A small smile appeared on her face. “Maybe one day I’ll be lucky like Mom and find a great guy like Dad.”

  “Your mom sure is lucky.” Not many women could find such an understanding and patient guy like my uncle after what she’d gone through at such a young age. I’d only had a year to deal with my trauma, and I was still not well. How did she survive and live a happy life decades after her innocence was ripped from her?

  “She wasn’t so lucky. She got a bad deal growing up.” Tris twisted toward me and nudged my foot with hers.

  “Bad deal?” I gripped the chains harder. “Is that what you call the horror she endured when she was younger?”

  “She told you.” Her voice tightened, but her body was still relaxed.

  “She told me in the hospital after I fainted at the fair.”

  “I’m glad she did. It helps you understand why she… we wanted you to stay with us.” Tris rocked back and forth.

  “Even though you were afraid I was going to jump off the roof of your sorority house?” I backed up and then lifted up in the air.