by Pratibha Ray
Guru Drona's heart was full of affection for Arjun. Even more than that was Harita's. Because of Arjun's forest-exile, many a time Harita would suffer. With a deep sigh she would say, "Arjun's childhood and adolescence have been spent only in the forest because of the plots of the Kauravs Arjun again deliberately took to the forest to fulfil his vow! Do not let your love of him lessen, Krishnaa! If your love lessens, he will not create a scene demanding love like Bhim. He will take this pretext to remain at a distance. He will silently practise sadhana for your love. During these last twelve years, besides doing sadhana in silence for your love, Arjun has not done anything else."
Harita's words would move me deeply. Silently I would vow to myself that this time after Arjun returned leaving aside my learning, intellect, views and opinions — everything, I would offer my life in his service. I would say, "You have won me and brought me. I am yours. Do what you will with me. Now I shall act according to your wishes. In treading the path chosen by you, I will not care about virtue and sin. Win my soul, overcome it. O Phalguni! It is you who are dearest to me..."
Phalguni was returning. After twelve years of silent ascesis he was returning with the hope of getting Draupadi's single-minded love. His wife Ulupi, the Naga princess, remained in the Patal kingdom, Chitrangada in Manipur, Arya in Kaling. Leaving them all behind, Phalguni was returning. For whom was he coming back? Leaving his beautiful wives tormented with the pangs of separation, for whom was my husband returning? For me — only for me...
Phalguni was a valiant man. He might have ninety-nine wives. I was not jealous of any. Why should I reproach Phalguni and sulk? To Phalguni I was Krishnaa, queen of Indraprasth. Indraprasth was not my co-wife. I was Indraprasth's heroine, the wife of the Pandavs — I was Krishnaa.
Waiting, especially waiting for the beloved — how delightful it is! I was decorating Phalguni's room. I was decorating his garden, his library, sitting room, prayer room, pleasure room, the entire palace — wherever Phalguni's glance would fall, first that place and then myself. All according to Phalguni's likes and taste. In the kitchen, food had been kept cooked. Whatever Phalguni liked had been arranged. However much I decorated, I was not satisfied. I got annoyed with Maya. One did not know what was the matter with her. She was making arrangements for welcoming Phalguni in a newly built palace. One room she had decorated like a bridal chamber. Was Phalguni a newcomer that I should meet him in a newly built mansion?
It was true that it seemed as though I was meeting Phalguni all over again for the first time. In my mind was the thrill of an unmarried girl. It is after separation that the joy of union is so great. If there was no separation, how would this be known?
Throughout the kingdom arrangements for celebrations were on. From several kingdoms princes and kings had arrived on invitation. Watching the paraphernalia of the festivities, it seemed to me the celebrations were for my marriage with Phalguni.
I decked myself like a virgin bride. Let not Phalguni feel that twelve years had gone by and that I had grown older by twelve years. The drums were announcing the entrance of Phalguni into the kingdom. My heart too was dancing, throbbing to the beat of the drums.
Maya was coming, laughing, with a tray of offerings in her hand. The husband would have to be greeted and welcomed in. Maya held out the tray towards me. Two wedding garlands in the begemmed tray! For what? Who else was coming with Phalguni? His sakha Krishna or Balaram?
Understanding the language of my eyes, Maya began to speak, "You might as well call her co-wife. None other than Krishna's darling sister, Subhadra! However much anger and hatred there might be in your heart, will you express it the moment they enter home? What will the subjects think? Moreover, what will sakha Shri Krishna think? You ought to welcome your co-wife also with flowers. You have to take her into the bridal chamber and leave her with the husband. Will not Yajnaseni be able to do even this' little?"
Now I understood why all the pomp and show for Phalguni's welcome. The newly built mansion was not for me, but for Subhadra. The bridal chamber had not been decorated for me. Whereas I had already decked myself, lost to all shame and propriety, as a new bride. I cursed myself. Took off the ornaments and dress. Shaking with anger, I asked, "Maya! How did Phalguni dare to go to this extent? Without the elder brother's permission he married Subhadra in Dvaraka! With what face is he coming to Indraprasth bringing Subhadra along?"
Scattering the dancing radiance of her laughter, Maya said, "Sakhi! You have still not understood Phalguni? Is it possible to do all this without the elder brother's permission? Shri Krishna himself had come to take Yudhishthir's permission. It is only after Yudhishthir's permission that Arjun has married Subhadra."
Reproach and hurt against Krishna filled me. So he had come to Yudhishthir for making his own sister my co-wife? He gave a hint that he had found a suitable friend for me. But Phalguni did not wait for my consent or refusal. While getting his brother's permission he did not even inform me once. He said nothing about returning after twelve years of ascesis, bringing along a rare gift.
I heard the account of Phalguni's marriage to Subhadra from Maya. If Subhadra, like other princesses engrossed in love of Phalguni, had desired desperately to become Phalguni's wife, then instead of grieving I would have felt proud. My husband was the finest man of Aryavart. Was that not something for me to be proud of? But the reality was absolutely otherwise. It was shameful. At the very first sight of Subhadra, Phalguni fell in love with her. He was so infatuated that he could not even wait till the bridegroom-choice ceremony. What if in the svayamvar Subhadra did not place the garland round his neck? Therefore, he abducted her. Subhadra had gone to perform worship on Raivat hill. Having received the information from Shri Krishna, he was already there with the chariot ready. Phalguni lifted the worshipping princess up on to the chariot. The chariot sped away and disappeared. In this abduction of the sister, it was brother Krishna who helped. He even provided Arjun with his own chariot. Then, appeasing Balaram's anger, he came to Indraprasth for obtaining Yudhishthir's consent. After such a love-marriage, what need had Phalguni of Krishnaa? Krishnaa was dark. What beauty could be hers? Subhadra was said to be fair like the Kaumudi flower. Fresh youth had lent her delicate limbs charm. The curves of her body were like the tamal creeper; hands and feet like lotus petals; lips like pomegranate; soft, sweet like the blue lily her eyes. No, no, I could not bear any more! She was the sister of the handsomest of all men, Krishna. In the whole world she alone was her simile. I was doubtful whether before her I would even appear an insignificant maidservant or not. In Indraprasth, if Subhadra remained before Phalguni's eyes, then he would not look at me even by mistake. Up till now I was proud of my beauty and personality. I had thought that after winning me no man would fall in love with another woman. No woman of this world could be compared to me. What was my fault in this pride? From my birth, whoever had seen me had invariably been enchanted, would be prepared even to lay down his life to win me. In the svayamvar hall, after noticing the pitiable state of all princes, my pride became all the more firm. I had even seen the beautiful eyes of Krishna become lovelier when he was enchanted on seeing me. It was this that had taken my pride to its peak.
But Subhadra had shattered my pride. I had heard that endowed with miraculous powers, Krishna did not tolerate anyone's pride. Perhaps he had sensed my pride and had broken it by means of his own sister.
Alas! How would I know that no one's pride remains for ever? How vast is this earth! In it, how petty and helpless is man! How insubstantial like a speck of dust is man's pride! In an instant it is destroyed. How ridiculous it makes him appear! How much remorse fills the heart — who can say?
Kings and emperors make love to more than one woman. They can marry them or reject them according to their whim. For this no permission of the previous wife is necessary. Therefore, what Arjun had done was fit for a king and a man. But I was suffering on account of my pride. Shame and despair overwhelmed me because of my egotism.
Moreover, S
ubhadra was more beautiful than me, and loving. Phalguni won me because of his valour. That day it was this that was the matter of my pride. But now I thought: in the svayamvar hall after seeing me, why did Phalguni, without waiting for his turn, not bring me away forcibly? Was it that love for me could not blind him? If Karna had not been prevented then perhaps for winning me Phalguni's turn might not have come at all. It was clear from this that Phalguni had been attracted more to Subhadra than to me from the very first meeting. Therefore, was it not natural for me to hate Subhadra?
I did not go to welcome Arjun and Subhadra. Seeing my face next to Subhadra's lovely face, Phalguni would cease to take interest in me.
I sat with doors shut. Tears flowed. Despite all my pride and learning, I was a woman. I felt ashamed to weep before anyone. But how could I deceive myself? My entire pride, tolerance, patience, generosity had to acknowledge defeat before myself. It is not that easy to cheat oneself.
They arrived. Ululation, conch-blowing, shouts of joy wafted from the entrance to the palace. My tears flowed even more copiously.
Someone's sweet voice; "Where is sakhi?"
"She is unwell", said Maya.
"In mind or body?"
"That the omniscient knows", said Maya. Waves of soft, sweet laughter beat against the shut doors.
I wiped my tears. Chheeh, chheeh! Should I show myself so weak before sakha? He was not just sakha, he was now also the brother of my co-wife.
Opening the doors I greeted Krishna. With a slight smile Krishna said, "I heard sakhi has fallen ill. The responsibilities are not slight after all. Is there no one to help?"
Gravely I said, "One who takes birth from the fire altar does not fall ill. The tongue of flame either burns or is quenched. But the flame of sacrifice dies down only after the oblation is complete, not before that. I was not unwell. I was preparing myself for greeting Phalguni. I was gathering strength for completing the oblation."
Saying that much I stepped forward towards the entrance to the palace. Taking the tray from the attendant, I greeted Arjun-Subhadra. Even after not seeing him for twelve years, I could not look at Arjun's face. For, by then my eyes were drowned in tears of hurt and reproach. With eyes downcast, I kept looking at his blue-lotus feet. Next to them another pair of feet sculptured in gold by an artist! Lovely, enchanting as the feet of Lakshmi in the temple. One whose feet were so beautiful — her face? It was but natural for Arjun to be bound in the coils of love for that glory. It seemed as if those feet were enhancing the beauty of Arjun. Like the feet of Lakshmi next to those of Narayan, the feet of Arjun-Subhadra were setting off each other marvellously. I grew jealous of Subhadra's feet.
After the welcome and greetings I came straight back to my chambers. Shutting the doors, I lay down on the bed. I could not participate in the joyous celebrations of Subhadra's arrival.
Phalguni came to meet me. I showed him due respect. In his habitual calm voice he began saying, "Coming back after twelve years I find no happiness in your mind. The radiance of your face has dimmed. What has happened?" Looking at him angrily I said, "After seeing Subhadra's face my face cannot but appear pale in your eyes."
Quietly Phalguni said, "Krishnaa! Please do not compare Subhadra with yourself. In knowledge, learning, discrimination, patience, courage, she cannot come anywhere near you. And beauty? The beauty of a woman might be the first thing in a man's eyes, but it is not the most important. It is only when wisdom and character are mingled with beauty that, becoming an ineffable loveliness, it overwhelms a man's soul. With you it is my soul that has established a relationship. Why praise Subhadra here? Ulupi, Chitrangada, Arya or Subhadra, none can ever remove Krishnaa from her seat in Phalguni's heart."
I could not rejoice over Phalguni's flattering words. Rather, even more stridently I said, "Now in Indraprasth Krishnaa is no longer the only heroine. Krishna's sister, Subhadra, has also been established in Indraprasth. Now whether Krishnaa is there or not makes no difference."
Perhaps Phalguni was disgusted with my intolerance. In words dripping with sarcasm he said, "Subhadra will never become queen of Indraprasth, this fact she is well aware of. For, Subhadra is the wife of only the third Pandav Arjun and only Yajnaseni is the queen of Indraprasth."
"And the queen of the kingdom of Phalguni's heart is only Subhadra."
In a hurt voice Phalguni said, "Do not say so, Krishnaa! In future many storm-tossed days will have to be faced. As a result of my marrying Subhadra, the assistance and support of the entire Yadav clan will be with us. Sakha is ever ours anyway. But the only means of winning over the elder brother, Balaram, was by marrying Subhadra. Considering all this, it is on sakha's advice that I married Subhadra."
Irritated, I flared up, "Phalguni, do not bring politics into domestic life. Your fascination for her is absolutely natural. Why is Phalguni hesitant to acknowledge the truth? Krishnaa cannot prescribe any punishment for Phalguni. Then why these explanations?"
Phalguni was unable to remove the hurt and anger from my mind and heart by any means. He asked for sakha's intervention.
Krishna arrived. He was enjoying my anger and hurt. With a smile he said, "I got Phalguni married to Subhadra because of three reasons. The first reason is — the support of the Yadav clan will be available to the Pandavs. The second reason is — Sakhi Krishnaa will find a companion who can understand her. Why companion, Subhadra is prepared even to be Krishnaa's slave! The third reason is — because of Phalguni's marrying Subhadra and living with her in Indraprasth, Krishnaa's concentration on him will be reduced to some extent at least. Phalguni will never again become a forest-dweller sulking in reproach against Krishnaa."
Looking at sakha I said, "You are the greatest hero of Aryavart. Your sister Subhadra is beautiful, endowed with all qualities. There would have been no lack of valiant suitors for her. What self-interest do you wish to achieve by plotting to bind Phalguni to Subhadra for creating a distance between the two of us?"
Sakha was smiling, pursing his lips. He glanced at Arjun and said, "I have already said that because of Subhadra staying here, your concentration on sakha will be somewhat reduced and my self-interest will be served."
"How is that?" I asked, startled.
Smiling, sakha said, "On your attention being less concentrated on sakha, you will be able to attend to me to some extent. Your entire attention gets tied down to sakha, does this not pain me? Once you had said that everything of sakha's is offered to me. The flowers sakha wears, their fragrance does not remain with him, but is wafted away to me. Therefore, despite your belonging to sakha, is it not proper that your attention should be focussed on his friend?"
Even at the time of such a mental crisis I burst out laughing at sakha's sweet jest. Precisely at that moment, at Krishna's nod, Subhadra appeared I do not know from where. Touching my feet, with tearful eyes she began saying, "Elder sister-in-law, I am not worthy to become your co-wife. You have won the status of a goddess in my heart. Permit me to remain your slave. I married Arjun, but it is your command and wish that I shall obey. If you permit, then I shall remain in Indraprasth as a slave, otherwise I shall return to Dvaraka with Brother."
Krishna-Balaram's darling sister Subhadra, clasping my feet, was begging my permission for shelter in Indraprasth as a slave! Before her humility and delicate submission I had to acknowledge defeat. How could I remain burning with hatred against such a tender lotus bud! I felt ashamed even thinking of it. Engineering such scenes, why did Krishna throw me into such difficulty repeatedly?
Subhadra was waiting, clasping my feet. Taking her hands, I raised her. Meanwhile her clear eyes had filled with tears. With bowed head, like an offender she went on, "After seeing you I realise how improper, how unjust is Arjun's being attracted to me."
Raising Subhadra's face I said, "If you will obey my desire, then your place..."
Anxiously, eagerly, Subhadra asked, "Where is it?"
"It is here!" Saying this I embraced her. With her breast on my breast, she sobbed like a s
mall child. As it was, tears were flowing uncontrollably from my eyes. Patting her head I said, 'Till yesterday you were Krishna's sister. And from today you are Krishnaa's sister. Now what worry do you have? Leave everything to me, and be at peace. Make Phalguni happy."
Phalguni and sakha were smiling gently. Looking at sakha it seemed that he had known that this would happen. Should Subhadra lean even slightly towards me, I would shower her with affection like a fountain.
If sakha knew well ahead every scene of the drama of life, why did he act ignorant?
As the sunlight reflected on the moon cools the earth, so events that bring sorrow, being reflected on the generous coolness of the mind, get transformed into happiness. That in which man finds sorrow — if he but understands it more deeply, it gives him infinite happiness too.
Seeing Subhadra with Phalguni in the Indraprasth palace, I had broken down in grief. And after making Subhadra my sister, the hour of her union with Phalguni was filling my heart with infinite joy.
Dressing up one's co-wife as a new bride and sending her to the husband's wedding bed was also a peculiar sensation. I had had that experience and with great ease I accepted it. Considering Arjun-Subhadra's first night together in Indraprasth their first wedding-night, it was I who had to make all the arrangements.
While leaving Subhadra on Arjun's bed I felt no jealousy or intolerance. On the other hand, happiness filled me. This happiness was of sacrifice, of generosity, of love. Is there so much happiness if one begins to love another person? But why does so much miserliness remain in a person's love? I found happiness because I began to love Subhadra. Had it been any princess other than Subhadra who had become my co-wife, perhaps I would not have loved her so profoundly, but Subhadra was after all Krishna's sister! Seeing the childlike innocence on Subhadra's delicate features and the chaste intoxication of her deep, large eyes who could refrain from loving her? Like Krishna, Subhadra too had an amazing power of attraction. In this world, who could help loving Krishna? I had loved Krishna. Loving Subhadra was nothing special. Subhadra's speciality was her very own.