Yajnaseni: The Story of Draupadi

by Pratibha Ray

  I would remain happy, would forget the grief of separation from Arjun in the company of the other four husbands, would pass the time happily like an unhampered forest spring — how peculiar were these thoughts of Arjun! It was because of this that I felt even more sad. How would I explain to the lord of my heart that the speciality that his husbandhood had for me was quite different from the other four?

  In this world who understood anyone else's mind and heart? There was no option but to regret that Arjun did not understand my heart's anguish. He whom I wanted every instant with me, was taken far away by fate repeatedly. What was the alternative but to accept with bowed head the directives Vyas had given in the presence of Krishna? After marriage I had to fight at every step. My time had been passed in worrying about the security of my husbands.

  Again now sleepless nights would have to be spent for Arjun. I had thought that with my husband the pain of forest exile would be reduced, but in being separated from Arjun I would experience that pain a hundred times more.

  With moist eyes Phalguni said, "Krishnaa, I leave for an auspicious task. After I return with the divine weapons, you shall be the chief queen of Hastinapur. Karna's arrogance will be broken. Killing Karna, I will take revenge for your insult. In all the acts of the Kauravs it is Shakuni who does the plotting, but the chief advisor is Karna. Be assured, Karna will not remain alive."

  I knew that the death of Karna was assured. I also knew that where Krishna was, there was victory. The plans that had been made for the death of Karna would succeed and dharma would be victorious. Still the talk of Karna's death raised a tumult in my heart. Perhaps the profound matemal love in ma Kunti's heart for Karna had influenced me. I left everything to fate. With a smiling face I bade my husband farewell. Expressing womanly apprehension at the time of departure, I said, "I have heard that for obtaining the blessings of the gods one has to reach svarg. Rambha, Urvashi, Menaka and other eternally youthful and beautiful apsaras live there. Take care that you do not maintain celibacy like last time! The last forest-exile was different. This time you are going with a momentous goal. Desire gives man temporary delight, but it does not get him to his goal."

  Arjun joked, "Why? Are you jealous of the lovely apsaras?"

  "Is it not natural to be jealous? Am I not a woman? Not human?"

  "Who knows what will happen? The penance of even mighty sages has broken at the sight of these apsaras. I am a mere householder. Moreover, with the wife far away, how far can a man's arrogance be maintained?"

  I felt angry with Arjun's jest. Throwing a fiery glance at him I said, "I think I shall commit suicide if I get news of your sporting with apsaras. You have seen what happened last time. I know that Krishnaa's fate does not tolerate the joys of husband, domestic life — anything. But it is you who will face problems. Last time you put forward the pretext of manliness in marrying the person you fell in love with. But if you fall in the snare of the apsaras' love, then there is no question of marriage, only of losing your reputation."

  Catching hold of both my hands Phalguni said, "Krishnaa! You have still not been able to understand Krishna's sakha Phalguni! You have not been able to know his mind. When the time comes, yo will understand everything."

  In Phalguni's touch was etched the purity of his heart. My jealous womanly heart was uplifted by that touch.

  36

  Do flowers bloom in the garden or in the mind's courtyard? Does fragrance reside in the petals of the flower or in the mind's petals? Is the musical note in the cuckoo's call or in the strings of the mind? Is spring actually there or is it imagined by the mind?

  I did not know how nature's beauty, the sound of its music and the dreams of the mind, all vanished from a forest-life without Arjun. My heart was aching for visiting the holy teerthas. I wondered if during the pilgrimage it would be possible to see the saintly form of Savyasachi the yogi engrossed in ascesis. Lost in that scene, some time would pass for me. After I requested Yudhishthir a number of times for permission to proceed on a pilgrimage, he finally agreed. At times during the pilgrimage news regarding Arjun would be available from the itinerant sages. Arjun was practising sadhana in the Himalayas. On hearing of his welfare, my eagerness would become all the more intense. First he performed ascesis in the deep forests in the Himalayan foothills. Then, displaying his valour Phalguni obtained the Pashupat weapon from Shiv. Hearing of this, all of us were thrilled. Thereafter news came of his obtaining in a remarkably short while from Yama the rod, from Varun the noose, from Kuber various weapons of invisibility and brilliant energy. It seemed that Arjun would return very soon. It would not take long to get divine weapons from his father, Indra. Every day, every instant I would wait to welcome him. My nights were sleepless. It seemed he would be coming at any moment. In the glory of the rising sun, in the delicate loveliness of sunset, in the radiance of moonlight, in the music of the rains ... I would see dreams and shriek, "Phalguni, I will not let you go. I want no kingdom, no wealth! Only you should remain with me. How much of life has been wasted in separation. How little is left of our limited lives? At least in this final phase remain with me."

  Bhim would grow irritated with my eccentricity. Catching hold of me he would say, "However learned she might be, a woman is but a woman after all. If you keep Phalguni tied to the end of your anchal then how will revenge be taken for your insult? How will injustice and adharma be destroyed? Chheeh, Panchali! You are so weak, so greedy for comfort..."

  My wounds would bleed from Bhim's rebuke. The untied hair would feel too heavy. The mention of destruction of enemies would recall the terrible insult. I would regain self-control and say, "True, thrice true. No longer shall I raise obstacles in the path of Arjun's ascesis by moaning for him."

  Nakul would mock my agony of separation. Sahadev would say, "Enough, Nakul! Yajnaseni does the right thing at the right time. Every day she keeps stoking the fire of revenge in Elder Brother's heart, pouring ghee into it. Otherwise would an embodiment of forgiveness and non-violence like our brother ever even mention revenge? And now you are mocking Yajnaseni's agony of separation! If you see her true nature, you will be at a loss. She is as tough as she is delicate. She is as forgiving as she is dedicated to taking revenge. She acts according to the needs of the occasion. At this time there is nothing to do except create poetry describing the season of separation. She is creating poetry. She will be able to present Phalguni something at least on his return." Truly, during this time I had completed a poem entitled, "The Season of Separation", of which the brothers had come to know. What would they be thinking of me!

  The moment he heard the name of poetry, Bhim began to tease me, "Panchali, I too am going to Hidimba. Till you write a poem on me I shall not return. What will you write? Or will you breathe a sigh of relief on being free of me?"

  Nakul laughed, "Then this poem will be, 'Draupadi's Lament'. That is, how she laments in your absence will be written in it."

  Delighted, Bhim would say, "That is well! Draupadi's lament in my absence. Piercing through the firmament that voice will reach me. And hearing that lament, full of jealousy, Hidimba will kick up such a row that even Duryodhan in Hastina will be terrified. He will imagine that his fate is lamenting."

  Nakul would laugh gleefully at Bhim's words. But Sahadev would say gravely, "Bhim considers a woman's lamenting as the proof of love. But it is Bhim who, among us all, loves Draupadi with the most open heart. Even if we wish, we cannot compel Draupadi to give us love. Whereas, whenever Bhim wishes, he can raise confusion in Draupadi. Despite our one-year condition of conjugal life, Bhim does not trouble Draupadi any less. In spite of being annoyed with this, it is on Bhim that she depends the most and has the greatest faith. Well, am I lying?"

  All the brothers would look at me together. Laughing, they would try to jest away my pain of separation. Like a stone image Yudhishthir would see and hear everything calmly, unperturbed. Time passed, but Arjun did not return. There was no news of him either. Hermits returning from the Himalayas reported
that he had left the mountain. As long as he was there, we were at peace. Now no one was able to say where he was and in what condition. The period of waiting was getting longer and longer. Eagerness was turning into anxiety. Not only I, but along with Yudhishthir all were anxiously waiting for news of Arjun. I had virtually given up eating and drinking. Who would bring me news of Arjun?

  As though sent by God, that afternoon the hermit Lomash arrived at the door of our cottage. Arjun's whereabouts were known to him. Seeing my condition he said, "Devi Draupadi! Lay aside worry. Your heroic husband, having finished the task in the Himalayas, is now living very happily in svarg. He is trying to gather many weapons for defeating the Kauravs. His task is almost over."

  "Then why is Arjun staying on in svarg?” I enquired anxiously. Calmly the sage Lomash answered, "After so many days Indra has got his son to himself! All his life his son has spent in forests and poverty. Now he is in the kingdom of svarg. Therefore, the king of the gods has requested him to stay for some time and refresh himself. He has acceded to his father's request. On seeing Indra's court in Amaravati, Arjun was amazed. He is entranced with the music of the Gandharvs and the dancing and singing of the eternally youthful apsaras Rambha, Menaka, Svarnprabha, Urvashi, Chitrasena, Kumbhayoni, Varuthini, Mitrakeshi, Chitralekha, Padmayoni etc. and is virtually helpless. On the advice of his father, Indra, he is taking lessons in dance, song and music from the king of the Gandharvs, Chitrasen. On the training being complete, he will return. While returning he will bring along from there other weapons like thunder and lightning. Therefore, do not worry about anything."

  I was relieved on hearing that Arjun was all right. But he was in svarg! He was relaxing in the company of Rambha, Menaka, Urvashi, Chitralekha! I started feeling the agony of being in hell. They would immerse him in lust on the pretext of singing and dancing. I started cursing them. Why should their whole race not be extinct! I thought to myself, his task was gathering weapons and he was taking lessons in music and dance? Leaving behind the pleasures of svarg would anyone ever return? Would he at all remember the insult to which I was subjected in the Kuru court? Would he still remember that his brothers and wife were living in the forest without a dwelling? I was sitting engrossed in my thoughts, burning in my own grief. Watching my husband in svarg with the eyes of imagination, I thought living in hell was better.

  Noticing my gloomy face, Sahadev spoke out, "Do not worry for brother! He is Phalguni, son of Kunti. He will never forget the anguish of the insult. Without extinguishing adharma, he cannot find peace even in svarg."

  To encourage me, Sahadev said, "It will not be fair to lose faith in Arjun. You know whose sakha he is? To lose faith in Arjun means to lose faith in Krishna. Whatever Arjun has done till now has been for the welfare of Aryavart. When the time comes, some similar welfare may be achieved through this training in song and dance. Whatever the subject, education can be applied to a noble task. Now even if Arjun returns, still Elder Brother will not return to Hastina till it is time-however powerful we might become. Thirteen years of exile will have to be undergone. Therefore, what is the point of becoming worried over the matter of Arjun's return? Let him relax for some time in svarg. At least one of us is resting in comfort for some time!"

  I was silent. How could I explain to Sahadev that pressing Arjun's feet was all that I desired! Without his company everything appeared hollow. Still, Sahadev's words provided encouragement. Arjun would surely return. After all, not only I but Subhadra too was waiting. And Subhadra was the darling sister of priya sakha Krishna. If not for me, for Subhadra he would surely return. It was this thought that helped give confidence to my sinking heart.

  But obstinate is the mind of man! It is unwilling to accept anything! The days woud pass in roaming the teerthas with sage Lomash. But throughout the night heartache would not allow sleep to come near. When out of tiredness sleep overcame me, it would be full of nightmares. Sometimes it was the scene of insult and outrage in the Kuru court that would come up. Sometimes it would be the scene of being seen off honourably from Hastinapur by Karna. Sometimes I would see that my sons were remembering me and catching hold of my anchal were insisting that they would not let me go. And then again sometimes I would see Arjun surrounded by apsaras. He had become an expert in music, song and dance and was surpassing even the Gandharvs. In the midst of the apsaras Arjun appeared exactly like Krishna among the gopis.

  My sleep would break. Recalling each dream would be a fresh stab of pain. But I could not share the pain of my heart with anyone. Even Maya and Nitambini were not near me. So only poetry was my dear companion. Letting the pain of my heart flow in poetry I would get some consolation. Year after year kept passing.

  Arjun did not come back.

  37

  Sahadev understood me. For diverting my mind he advised a change of place by going on a pilgrimage with sage Lomash to the teerthas. After living for a few days in the Naimisha forest, visiting Prayag, Gaya, Gangasagar, proceeding along the western coastline we reached Prabhas. There Krishna, Balaram and the Yadavs greeted us. In Prabhas all the sorrow vanished in the midst of sakha's hospitality. In talking with an open mind to sakha, my faith in Arjun was restored. With fresh enthusiasm and hope we went on.

  Crossing the Vipasha river towards the Himalayas, we reached the kingdom of Subahu. By then I had become exhausted and weak. My diet was irregular because of worry and grief. I had insomnia. And then there were the difficulties of living in the forest. My health failed. I did not have the strength to take another step.

  The forest was impassable in the direction of the Gandha-madan mountain. The Pandavs were advancing in that direction. I was unble to protest. How could I say, "I cannot proceed further"? It was Arjun who had sent the suggestion of going round the teerthas to sage Lomash. Yudhishthir had assumed that responsibility. I was fulfilling that duty with all the strength at my command.

  With difficulty I had managed to go on when a violent storm arose. No shelter was visible to save our lives. Bhim was near me. He was holding on to my arm under a tree. But when misfortune struck, it came as an avalanche. Even the tree could not shelter us. It crashed, uprooted. Bhim sprang to safety, but I fell unconscious from a blow. I did not know till when I was unconscious. When I opened my eyes I found the sky clear, the storm had abated.

  My husbands were seated by my head. A handsome boy sat near me, massaging my feet with great devotion. On seeing him, I was reminded of my sons. Who were the fortunate parents of this young boy? And at whose behest was he engaged in serving me thus?

  I was awash with maternal love. Gently I asked, "Son, who are you? Who asked you to massage the feet of an unknown woman? Whoever you might be, I am your mother. I cannot think of anything other than my sons. Tell me who your are, my child!"

  Shyly the boy said, "By calling me your son you have said who I am. You are my mother, that alone is my introduction!"

  Patiently I asked, "Still, who are your parents — the fortunate father and the mother who gave you birth? What is the objection to meeting them? By giving birth to such a virtuous son as you, your mother shall be glorified. I wish to congratulate her."

  The handsome boy looked at Bhim. Bhim was smiling gently. It was the first time I had seen such a gentle, soothing smile on Bhim's face. Whenever he was amused, his laughter roared out. But today a new aspect of his personality was revealed to me. In an affectionate tone he said, "Hidimba's son, valiant Ghatotkach! Touch the feet of ma Yajnaseni! You may introduce your father to ma Yajnaseni. But do not introduce the ogress Hidimba to the royal bride of Hastinapur, daughter of Drupad, Panchali. For, the moment she sees Hidimba, the princess, the royal bride, the Aryan woman, Krishnaa, will forget all her education, training and culture and become an ogress. Then if two ogresses face each other, our plans of pilgrimage will be at an end."

  Everyone broke into laughter at Bhim's joke. Ghatotkach pranam-ed me. Immediately I embraced him. By the very touch I experienced the delight of feeling my five sons and was fil
led with maternal love. Warmly embracing him I said, "Son Ghatotkach, my pranam to your noble mother. Despite living in the forest you are such a polite, gentle and well-behaved boy! That is the proof of the training she has imparted. Whenever he was angry with me, Bhim would go away to your mother, Hidimba. How much he must be harassing her that I can well imagine! Convey my repeated pranams and endless gratitude to Hidimba. After we return to Hastinapur and the conflict with the Kauravs is resolved, come with Hidimba to your father's kingdom. There is no need for being invited for this. This is your right. Do not take Bhim's words as the truth. Do not think that out of hatred of my co-wife I shall begin quarreling like an ogress. Subhadra is my co-wife and stays with me in Indraprasth like my younger sister. Your mother is older than me in age and in experience. She is my elder sister, to be revered. Listening to your mother's praises from Bhim's lips I have certainly felt envious at times. But after seeing you today, my mind is full of only affection and respect for her. Tell your mother of my feelings."

  Ghatotkach listened silently. Placing me on his shoulders he began to walk. Noticing my exhaustion, Bhim had summoned him. Carrying me tenderly like a flower, Ghatotkach sped like the wind through the mountainous terrain. Very soon we arrived at the Badarika ashram.

  Ghatotkach folded his palms to take leave. I blessed him with long life and reminded him to come to Hastinapur. Seeing Ghatotkach, for some moments I even forgot the pain of absence from my five sons and Abhimanyu.