Yajnaseni: The Story of Draupadi

by Pratibha Ray

  I was depressed hearing of Karna's vow. Why did Karna ever remain jealous of Arjun? Was it because Arjun was dear to me? Because he had won me in the svayamvar?

  Bhim understood my thoughts. He said, "Karna's anger against Arjun is solely on account of Draupadi. Although in youth, also he was envious after the winning of Draupadi that envy changed into hatred. Where there is a woman there is hell. After the winning of Draupadi, everyone turned into our enemies."

  I flared up at Bhim's blaming it on me frivolously. I was a woman. What was my fault in this? I was beautiful. How could I be blamed for that? Arjun won me. In this what was my crime? Karna did not win me — in this was I blameless? I did not know the answer to that question. All the blame accumulated and fell on me at this last question. Yet, was it not unjust on Karna's part to torment me throughout life?

  Noticing my miserable condition, Arjun said gravely, "Do not worry about me, Krishnaa! I will not let Karna fulfil his promise. Father Indra made arrangements for the death of Karna long back. In the arrogance of being a donor he cut off his body armour and earrings as gifts. Since then the blood oozing from his body has not stopped. And still see his arrogance! Now there are so many divine weapons. What is the difficulty in killing Kama? Only on account of the foe-destroying missile it is natural for you to have doubts. If he is so full of anger regarding Draupadi, then calling on this pure forest land as witness I vow before everyone that till I have killed Karna I shall abstain from wine, meat and Draupadi herself. It is only after teaching Karna a fitting lesson that I shall be able to give Draupadi the honour due to a wife."

  Stunned, I kept listening. I was thinking: "a woman is a giver of strength, inspiration and is auspicious. But whether it be Karna or Arjun, why do they take vows to remain far from women until they achieve their desired goal? Does the company of a woman suck out the strength of a man? Is this his lack of confidence in the strength of his character or is it due to the fear of a woman's charismatic attraction? By keeping woman far from his path of fulfilment does man give proof of his firmness or weakness? Aryavart's finest man, Krishna, never kept women far from his path of fulfilment! And yet in Aryavart he had accomplished many impossible feats. Krishna, the lord of many female hearts and the best of lovers. Before taking such a major vow Arjun did not even consult me once. I enquired of him in private.

  In sharp sarcastic tones Arjun said, "Had you consulted me before taking such a critical vow? Don't you know that till today my heart does not accept the year-long condition of conjugal life? That is why at any pretext I have kept myself far from you. After living for five years in svarg in the midst of apsaras the flesh and blood body of a woman is not something I desire. Therefore, even if today's vow keeps me far from you, it will not keep me far from your heart. I am aware that you too have borne many difficulties for my sake. The moment I look at you I understand that in my absence abjuring comfort and luxury like an ascetic you have disciplined the body. With four husbands present, why so much of difficulty? Is it not injustice towards these four? Krishnaa, from today, you must take greater care of them. This will help in achieving peace and steadiness. Now Aryavart is endangered by the injustice of the Kauravs. A great war is waiting for us. For being victorious in the dharma-war that will take place on earth three years later mental stability is essential. Therefore, I have made this vow only after careful thought. In our lives besides action, duty and protecting dharma is there any other duty? Do not misunderstand me."

  I could not misunderstand my own husband. I knew that other than Krishna there was no second person as self-respecting and noble as Arjun. Otherwise, could he reproach me so sharply after such a long time?

  41

  Kamyak forest was waiting for us. Jambu, Kambu, Kirmir, Kirat and Virat and other Shabar friends were eagerly waiting. After we had reached, sakha Krishna along with his second queen, Satyabhama, came to enquire about our welfare. Krishna was delighted that Arjun had returned from svarg with divine weapons. He asked Arjun about svarg. Narrating amusing stories of svarg, Arjun entertained sakha.

  On Krishna's arrival, I reproached him, "How did sakha's feet turn this way after such a long time? While Arjun was in svarg you made no enquiries whether we were alive or dead. The moment he returned you remembered us?"

  Krishna appeared stunned with amazement — as though falling from the sky. "Look sakha, how ungrateful and cruel a woman's mind is. As long as you were away I, leaving behind all the comfort of Dvaraka, kept following my friend's wife as her bodyguard on the difficult forest paths. For five years I could not even see my wives' faces in Dvaraka. For that let alone gratitude, she is showering blame on me!"

  What can be a greater instance of sakha's lies than this? Even at my silence Arjun smiled. Sakha tenderly said, "Sakhi! Say truly, every night on shutting your eyes did you or did you not have dreams of Arjun? Even while waking at times you saw Arjun's image in lakes, in the shadow of trees in the forest, in the snow flakes on the mountain — didn't you? Even in the mirror of your nails you saw Arjun! During the rains, lessening your torment of separation by getting wet on the forest paths were you overwhelmed by seeing Arjun's shadow walking beside you or not? Although by the time you called Bhim to show that shadow, it had vanished. Then regarding all this as your imagination, you used to remain quiet. Say, is all this false?"

  I was amazed and asked, “Sakha, who told you? Till today besides myself no one knows all this. Every moment I would feel Arjun with me and the next instant it would seem a hallucination. I used to think that because I thought of him all the time it seemed thus. Out of shyness I used to remain silent. How did you come to know of all this?"

  A little sadly Krishna said, "What the body has suffered who else will relate? Sakha was engrossed in the dance of the apsaras of svarg. Except for me who else would keep roaming by your side in the form of Arjun? At that time besides thinking of Arjun you did not even once think of me. This possibility did not even cross your mind that in the form of Arjun I might be roaming from forest to forest. Why should I myself reveal the mystery? Have I no expectations or self-respect? Did you not know that sakha Arjun and I are the same?

  Hearing this I was stunned. I asked, "Is this the truth? At every instant, what I considered my mind's creation was sakha Krishna? One day I even thought that Phalguni had returned and was following me, keeping himself hidden in the jungle. When I told Bhim and the others, they laughed and teased me that even when I was wide awake I dreamt of Arjun. And except for me no one could see this shadow of Arjun."

  Noticing my consternation Satyabhama said, "Krishnaa! You are talking like an ignorant person. Leaving us behind, your 3sakha remained the last five years in Badarikashram to look after the welfare of his friend's wife. By going to assuage the pangs of your separation from Arjun he has not pained us little in the pangs of separation from Krishna for full five years."

  Pained, I said, "Sakha was in Badarika and none of us came to know of it! Sakha did not even tell us! If we had known then the anguish of Arjun's absence would truly have been reduced so much."

  Sadly Krishna said, "I tried several times to tell you. Every time you mistook me for Arjun. Finally, writing a letter and keeping it in a golden lotus plucked from Kuber's lake I sent that to you. But immediately on seeing the flower you got lost in the thought of stringing a garland for Arjun and expressed your desire to have a hundred flowers. My letter written with so much care was left unread."

  Satyabhama said, "So, you wrote a love-letter to Krishnaa! Does it enhance your glory to despatch sakha to svarg kingdom and write love-letters to his wife?"

  Krishna was taken aback, "Satya! Do not misunderstand! It was merely a letter of good wishes."

  Sulking in reproach and hurt Satyabhama said, "Yes, I know what your letter of good wishes is like. Who does not know that the first love-letter in the world was exchanged between you and Rukmini? Your name will be the first in the list of writers of love-letters. If it was an ordinary letter then why was it placed in the midst
of lotus petals?" During this conversation my shame doubled. How like a child Satyabhama expressed suspicion and sulked! Had she yet been able to understand her husband? Even if she was suspicious, was it proper to expose her husband in front of so many people?

  Dramatically Krishna folded his palms and said, "Lady, please forgive me for past crimes. Whatever might have been in the letter, Krishnaa put it aside without reading it. Then why so much of discussion regarding it? That I am not at all fit to be loved has been proved by Krishnaa."

  Arjun was listening to this exchange of pleasantries between husband and wife silently. He said, 'There is nothing to worry about. The letter despatched by you has duly reached its destination. Even now Krishnaa has carefully preserved that lotus among her precious objects. When I returned from the kingdom of svarg, she showed it to me. Taking in its perfume she began saying, 'In these petals I can clearly sense the fragrance of Krishna. That is why I have kept it carefully.' If the letter you wrote is still in the petals then let us read it and see what it is like." Coming near Arjun, Krishna whispered into his ears, "One request: let Bhim not read the letter. He will be unable to comprehend the profound significance of the letter, this I know. On the other hand, misunderstanding it, he will crush me with a single blow."

  At that time Bhim had stepped aside and was engrossed in the sweets brought by Satyabhama. Sahadev and Nakul were occupied in talking to the Yadav bearers of the luggage. Yudhishthir was studying scriptures with hermits. Arjun laughed, "Only I know about this. To whom can I say that in my absence my dearest sakha was writing letters to my beloved wife? The shame will be only mine in this."

  Laughing, Krishna looked at me, "It is lucky that sakhi has kept the lotus so carefully and recognised in it the fragrance of my touch. This is not a matter of little joy for me. The regret is that even Rukmini has not preserved my first love-letter."

  Interrupting this exchange, Satyabhama immediately said, "So, the meaning of this is that you admit you wrote Krishnaa a love-letter!"

  Laughing, Arjun said, "It is your love-letter that has enabled the stream of love to flow in the forest's flowers and leaves, rivers, fountains, animals and birds, human beings — in everyone. If sakha had not written love-letters then so much of uproar would not have taken place over the golden lotuses. Therefore, this offence of sakha relating to love is pardonable. For the greater good sacrificing the lesser self-interest is the ideal of sakha's life."

  The delight of Arjun's pure heart and his pure laughter thrilled me. I could find no comparison to the understanding and love between the two sakhas. Otherwise, whether in earnest or in jest, who could accept with such an open heart the matter of a friend sending a love-letter to his wife?

  After the afternoon meal when everyone was resting I, with a heart throbbing with expectation and delight, opened the petals of the fragrant lotus. Truly, in the layers of the lotus was sakha's indelible writing. With profound emotion I went on reading petal after petal —

  "Priya sakhi!

  For you I am OM that touches the soul, uplifts it, mingles it with infinity; that spreads out pervading creation, preservation and destruction in the cosmos. In the midst of creation, destruction and life, the bond between you and me is inviolable, unbreakable. Look at this lotus. The sun is in the sky, but in the water the lotus waits. It finds the sun in the water. When the sun is reflected in the water, then it is on that reflection that it sheds its petals. The fulfilment of its life lies just in this. I am; I am being reflected in your heart. He who does not regard my reflection as me cannot find me. He who finds me has me reflected within him.

  Sakhi! That which is the mantra of your dawn is also the music of your evening worship. I am near you. Why do you fear?

  Your lifelong sadhana's sakha.”

  As I read the letter, I became the lotus. I shed my petals on the reflection of the sun. I surrendered myself to the vastness of Krishna's love. I wrote my reply on the petals of a ketaki:—

  "Sakha, lord of my heart!

  For you I am a garden where flowers bloom. They do not know why they bloom. Sometimes the flowers wither away. Why they wither, this too they do not know. A flower knows this much that it withers even for the same person for whom it bloomed. So the fulfilment of a blooming flower and the pain of a withered one are offered to the same person. That person is you. He whom I seek in you is also no other than you. You are my Krishna, you are my Arjun, you pervade the world, are far above hope and desire. You are my sakha. Whether you are mine or not, I am yours, yours..."

  Blown by the wind, the Ketaki letter was wafted from my hands to fall at his feet. Picking it up, he read it and smiled. I blushed. Looking down at his feet I was surprised to find later that Arjun was reading the letter while I had written it to Krishna. Behind Krishna was visible the smiling face of sakha. Sakha had understood everything even before Arjun finished reading the letter and said, "Sakha, it is wrong to read someone else's letter. This letter has been written to me by Krishnaa."

  "But the letter fell on my feet", said Arjun.

  Laughing, Krishna said, 'Then the letter is yours but its sentiments, words are for me. Before even reading it I had absorbed it all."

  "How?" asked Arjun.

  "It is this that is the difference between you and me. What you take in material form I absorb subtly. Draupadi is yours but her supra-physical entity is mine. This understanding has been arrived at between us long back. How are you arguing about it now?"

  Arjun folded his palms, "Despite knowing everything, man behaves ignorantly. This is the illusion of the world. We know that the Pandavs are Krishna's, this world is Krishna's, Krishnaa too is Krishna's. Still, falling into illusion at times because of Krishnaa, one feels jealous of Krishna."

  Laughing, Krishna said, "It is in the mis-step of the rhythm of life that its sweetness lies. Like the reproach and sulking of conjugal life, jealousy too creates a honeycomb. Therefore, apart from creating honeycomb in your domestic life I have no other intention, believe me, sakha. Between Krishnaa and you I am but a honeycomb."

  Arjun and Krishna appeared identical to my eyes. Overwhelmed, I kept staring.

  42

  Loaded with fruit and flower, Kamyak forest had its own magic. A whole week passed with Satyabhama staying in its peaceful surroundings. Still she was not satisfied. Like two sakhis the two of us would frankly exchange our joys and sorrows, laughs and jokes. For many days I had not had a chance to unburden myself to Harita, Subhadra, Maya and Nitambini. Therefore, finding Satya near me, I talked a lot. Because of my affectionate response, she too grew garrulous. For a whole week she watched the sweet harmony of my domestic life with five husbands and was overwhelmed. Not only this, the attraction her husband Krishna — much desired by so many women — felt for me and his love surprised her. Perhaps she was also slightly jealous. I was able to be loved by five husbands and, by remaining happy myself, was able to make them happy too — this amazed her. Not only this. My mixing with Krishna and our boundless respect and love for each other being looked upon with such generous hearts by my husbands — these she was unable to understand at all. How I was able to manage such a terrible man as Bhim amazed her. During these seven days she quarrelled and argued with sakha Krishna. Every time Krishna called me to mediate. But as for my relationship with my five husbands, not even a trace of sulking or reproach reached Satyabhama, let alone argument, though I used to participate in all matters concerning the family. I put forward my own opinions and where necessary demolished those of my husbands. I even protested against Yudhishthir's statements and explained Bhim's arguments to him. Still she did not see any anger between us or quarrelling or ill feeling. On the other hand, in every matter my husbands would insist on my views and would not take any important decision without me. Seeing all this, Satya was absolutely wonderstruck.

  Sticking to me like a shadow, she kept watching my work. What was the secret of my successful conjugal life? She was seeking the clue to the proper status of the wife in domestic l
ife, but could not understand what it was. That afternoon the husbands had taken sakha to the Shabar habitations in Kamyak for some festival. Satyabhama eagerly asked, "Sister Krishnaa! How do you manage to satisfy all five husbands at a time? They appear ready to fulfil any wish of yours. Not a trace of unrest or dissatisfaction is visible anywhere in your joint lives. In Dvaraka, the eight chief queens and innumerable other wives, are unable to keep Krishna bound in the bonds of love. We never get to know when he goes where, what he does. Leaving behind the bonds of our love, when he gets entangled in the affection of someone else, we do not even get to know. For five years he lived in the forest taking care of you. Sakhi, have you any incantations, magical rites, or herbs and recipes for keeping the five husbands under control? Do tell me!"

  Biting my tongue I said, "Chheeh, chheeh, Satya! Do not utter such words. Foolish and undiscriminating women take recourse to magical chants, herbs and roots for mastering their husbands. By this the husband's faith and confidence is broken. Often this makes the husbands fall into various types of terrible illness. Such women lose their husbands. Sakhi, you are Krishna's beloved wife. As your sister I advise you not to think of such foolishness Otherwise your husband will regard you as a mortal serpent and detest seeing you in his bed."

  'Then by what means have you kept them bound to you?" she asked in eager curiosity.

  I told simple Satya the mystery of my relationship with my husbands. "Satya, if you can, then follow this in your life. Removing pride from within me, I pour out my femininity like an offering of flowers before my husbands, made fragrant by the water of desireless action. I try not to be envious under any circumstance. My endeavour is to remain natural. I never eat or lie down before my husbands eat and lie down. I am up before they get up. I am never lazy in their work. If they return from a long journey, I keep seat, water, food, resting place ready for them. Despite servants being available, I keep watch on household chores. I cook their favourite food myself and serve it with my own hands. I do not burden them with my own worries and anxieties. Rather, participating in their concerns, I offer my views. I do not spend too much time on toilet, bath and dressing. If my husbands are far away, I refrain from decorating myself. I do not take interest in matters which they dislike. Without their having to tell me, I am able to sense their likes and dislikes. I am never interested in arguing fruitlessly or rolling about in meaningless mirth. I maintain proportion in conduct, thought, action, eating, resting. The most important thing is that I never doubt them, nor do I ever shower them with unnecessary complaints. Similarly, I never keep anything secret from them. There is another special thing: before them, I do not utter a single word about their family or ma Kunti. I look on all of them equally, never discuss anyone's faults or qualities before the others. I anticipate their wishes, even their commands to servants. I never describe the wealth, prosperity, luxury of my father's house before my husbands. In the same manner, I never curse my fortune by comparing it with any other man's wealth and prosperity. So much so that in front of my husbands I do not mention any other woman as more fortunate than myself. I do not feel it necessary to display my innumerable desires before my husbands. I do not spend time in private with another man. I avoid women who are of a cunning nature. In front of my husbands I try to appear fresh, beautiful, ever youthful. It is because of the husbands that we are mothers, are fortunate, are mistresses of the household and are happy. Husbands are never hesitant in granting wives company, security, social status and motherhood. Therefore, is it not my duty to let them feel that I truly love them? Like Subhadra I, too, could have stayed back in my father's home. Why am I undergoing the sufferings of a forest life with my husbands? It is not only their happiness that is ours to share, but their sorrows too are ours. To lend courage and strength to husbands in misfortune and danger is the dharma of women. It is on this that I concentrate."