Nephi's Courage

by Rory McFarlan

  The fresh cilantro in the guacamole made it pop in his mouth. It tasted like heaven. He then took a forkful of stuffed avocado. They filled it with seafood and cheese and then breaded and fried it. The bright green color contrasted nicely with the white filling. The way the seafood and cheese blended with the rich texture of the avocado delighted his mouth in a way he didn’t expect. It was really amazing. He had been enjoying the conversation, but he now couldn’t get his mind off the food. It was new and wonderful.

  Alex must have noticed the mix of disbelief and satisfaction on his face. He grinned from ear to ear. “It’s good, right?” he asked.

  “I mean, you said I wouldn’t be disappointed, which is typically a set up for disappointment, so I tempered my hopes, but you are right. This is amazing,” said Nephi.

  “If you think this is good, you should try my food. I’ll have to cook for you sometime.”

  “I would love that. Just name the place and time and I’ll be there. I can’t wait.”

  The conversation fell off a bit while they enjoyed the meal. Nephi savored every bite. The avocado was more filling than expected and he was full before he could finish it. Pushing the plate aside, he asked Alex about what type of guy to look for.

  “Well, that’s up to you,” said Alex. “What do you like in a guy? What type of person would you like to date?”

  “I really don’t know. I’m new to this and I’ve never been in a relationship but I kind of think I like otters,” he said, a longing look in his eyes.

  “No, no, no, no,” said Alex. “Don’t get any ideas. I already told you I’m not a babysitter. I’m not going to break in a fresh baby gay. I’ll help you learn the ropes so you know what’s what, but you and I can’t happen.”

  “Understood,” said Nephi. “I get the friends thing and I know it’s a good idea. How do I go about meeting someone? Do you think I’ll have any luck on Snuzzle?”

  “I’m new to Snuzzle myself and I really hope that it works for both of us. Outside of that, you can hit the clubs and bars if you’re into that scene.”

  “I don’t really think that is my thing. I don’t drink and I’m not much of a dancer unless you want a good laugh,” said Nephi.

  “You could volunteer at the Pride Center and get involved in community events. That’s a great way to meet people. A few times a year, there is a speed dating event that’s good for entertainment if nothing else,” said Alex. “There’s really no magic bullet. If there was, I wouldn’t be single myself.”

  “Thanks,” replied Nephi. “That gives me some good ideas to go on. I hadn’t thought about volunteering. That’s a good idea. Hopefully I’ll have luck on Snuzzle too.”

  With dinner finished, Alex asked for separate checks. Nephi protested, offering to pay for dinner. Alex reminded him that this wasn’t a date. Nephi agreed, and they paid separate checks and walked out together.

  “I’m really enjoying our conversation,” said Nephi. “Would you like to sit in my truck for a while and chat?”

  “We still need to have that conversation about your truck sometime and I’m not even sure I could climb up in that thing but I would love to chat more. Let’s sit in my car,” proposed Alex.

  “Works for me,” replied Nephi, following Alex across the parking lot to a silver Toyota Prius.

  “It certainly is more fuel efficient than my truck,” noted Nephi as they got in.

  “Tell me more about you,” Alex said. “Other than show tunes, what kind of music do you like?”

  “I like a bit of everything. I like Pink and I am crazy for Christina Aguilera. She’s a Goddess. Honestly though, my favorite singer was also my first crush. Tommy Page,” said Nephi, his eyes gazing off in the distance.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t even know who that is. Is he new?”

  “No,” replied Nephi. “He’s been around since the 80s. He is the most beautiful human I have ever seen in my life. Great style, perfect hair, and dreamy eyes. Not to mention, the voice of an angel. It broke my heart to read he passed away a few years back. It devastated me.”

  “I am very sorry to hear that,” said Alex. “Sometimes losing a celebrity almost feels like losing family.”

  “It truly felt that way. He has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. His songs connect with me and have become a part of me. The lyrics feel so real when he sings them. It felt like he was my friend, a friend I could rely on. I guess he still is. When I was a kid, my mom took me to a charity benefit concert where he performed. I promise you I was screaming louder than every last one of the teenage girls there.”

  “Tell me more about his music. What genre is it and what does he sing about?”

  “His style is mostly pop with some synth, especially in his earlier stuff. He has some amazing dance tunes as well. He’s a true romantic and wrote incredible love songs. He also wrote songs about places and the memories connected to them, like a street, or a sunset in Africa. What he created is more than music, it’s art. One of the last things he recorded was a remake of one of his older songs called “I break down.” It is slower than the original and so beautiful. It’s about putting up a front of strength in order to be there for someone else but dealing with your own demons and weaknesses beneath it all and breaking down. I feel like that sometimes and listening to the song makes me feel better. His first album is my favorite. For the life of me, I can’t understand why it didn’t get more radio play. My favorite song, “A Shoulder to Cry On” is on that album. I connected with Tommy the first time I heard it. Do you mind if I play you a few songs from the album?”

  “I would love to hear it. Do you have it with you now?”

  “I have all of his songs on my phone,” Nephi proudly declared. He proceeded to play songs for Alex. He started with “A Zillion Kisses.” Alex was digging it and dancing as best as he could while seated in the car.

  “Are you serious? I can’t believe he recorded this in the 80s. It’s great. This would still play well in the club. This song is brilliant.”

  Next, Nephi played “A Shoulder to Cry On” and sang along with Tommy.

  “Nephi, you have a beautiful voice. Are you sure that call center manager is your calling? I can see why you like this song. It’s sweet.”

  “Thanks,” said Nephi. “You are too kind. I love to sing, but I don’t have what it takes to make it my day job.”

  “Well it’s better than I could do. I am completely tone-deaf and can’t sing worth a da… worth a lick,” replied Alex.

  “Thanks for catching the swear. Okay, I have to sing you one more,” said Nephi. He played “Turning Me On” from Tommy Page’s first album. The synth charged rhythm had Alex smiling and laughing right off the bad. Nephi really got into it as he sang along, pretending to hold a microphone, dancing with his hands and gyrating his hips as best as he could in the seat of a car. Nephi was seriously into it and Alex couldn’t contain his laughter, doubled over in the driver’s seat. The song ended and Nephi took a bow.

  “You are telling me that this is your favorite artist and you are just now starting to date guys? I mean, come on, if that song isn’t the embodiment of being gay, I don’t know what is. You should have jumped in the deep end long ago, my queen,” said Alex with a laugh.

  “Maybe you’re right. He has been my favorite artist since I was a kid. A lot of kids teased me and told me I shouldn’t like him because his music was just for girls but I didn’t care. The man’s voice is beautiful,” insisted Nephi. “Okay, enough about my obsession. What kind of music are you into?”

  “Music is my life. I listen to many genres depending on my mood. Music gets me through the tough times and provides a soundtrack for the good times. I really can’t think of words to express how important it is to me,” he replied.

  “Tell me about some of your artists and favorite songs.”

  “I’m a big fan of many of your fellow Mormons and ex-Mormons. Neon Trees, Imagine Dragons, Panic! At the Disco, The Killers, and Arcade Fire are all inc
redible. Lately I have been on a talented ladies kick. Lucius, Kitten, and Muna have been rocking my world. I’ve also been grooving on NF lately. Like I said, my taste is kind of all over the place.”

  “To be honest, I haven’t heard of most of those bands but I would love to listen to them together with you. Who are your favorites?” asked Nephi.

  “That’s not fair,” replied Alex. “It’s like trying to choose your favorite child. You just can’t. I have always enjoyed Counting Crows, the lyrics are real and I never get tired of listening to Blue October. Their music is amazing and I don’t think there’s a band that gives a better live performance. It is a life-changing experience. Most of all, I love them because their music literally saved my life. There was a point where I found myself in a deep depression. I was in complete despair, not knowing what to do. I heard the song “Into the Ocean” and it just clicked with my soul. I was like “what is this?” because I had heard nothing like it before. I related to it. I bought all of their albums and binged. I wasn’t just listening, I was breathing it all in. It told the story of my depression and pain. Feeling the real connection in that music made me feel like I wasn’t alone and helped pull me out of it. And their newer stuff just blows my mind.”

  “Sounds to me like Blue October is your favorite child,” said Nephi, a smirk on his face.

  “You might be right,” Alex laughed. “Sorry Counting Crows and Muna, you’re not the favorite, but don’t worry, there is plenty of love in papa’s heart to go around.”

  “I haven’t heard Blue October before. Why don’t you play some for me?”

  Alex opened the music streaming app on his phone and started the Blue October playlist. The first song on the list was “Fear”. Nephi loved the song and its message. It made him feel strong, like he could face the pressure he was feeling from all sides.

  “Thanks for playing that,” he said, “it gave me the chills in a good way. Let me hear more.”

  Alex continued the playlist. “Into the Ocean” was next, followed by “I Hope You’re Happy”. That one reminded Nephi of Stacy.

  “Alright, it’s getting late and we probably better head back. I just want to play one more,” said Alex. “This is another one that got me through a tough time.”

  Alex played “Should be Loved” and Nephi was mesmerized. “I love this,” he said. “I need to check this band out.”

  “Okay,” replied Alex, “but be careful. As one so sensitive to language, if you listen to Blue October too much, your ears might burn off.”

  “Thanks for the heads up, and for a wonderful evening. I have enjoyed it more than you know. When can we meet up again? Are you open tomorrow?”

  “Tomorrow I have a thing, but text me and we’ll set something up. Be safe going home and good luck with Snuzzle,” said Alex.

  Nephi leaned over and hugged Alex across the seat and then walked back to his truck and drove home. He couldn’t remember ever having a conversation that made him feel so good. Lonely was all he had known for so long and now he didn’t feel so isolated. He was refreshed and ready to pull back the covers and explore this new world of people like him.

  Chapter 9

  The positive energy from the evening with Alex carried over to Nephi’s work life. Outwardly, Nephi was already happy, always smiling. His new positive outlook spread his outward smile through his body, making it more than a cosmetic decoration.

  His cheery disposition radiated from his core and became contagious. People responded differently to him. Monica grew genuinely appreciative of his interest and less sarcastic and Steve seemed friendlier. Even Brock and Angela appeared to exhibit more discretion, at least when Nephi was around.

  Nephi wasn’t sure if the people around him were different or if the change was all in his perception. He didn’t know if it even mattered but he found that the more he accepted himself, the more he felt in harmony with those around him. The change showed in his team’s numbers too. Over the next two weeks, ‘Time to Answer’, ‘Abandon Rate’, and ‘Call Handling Time’ steadily improved. Monitor scores were up and his team needed fewer coaching sessions.

  At church, things were different since Nephi had no calling. He had a lot more time to himself on Sunday with his meeting load cut in half and despite the way they handled it, he enjoyed Gospel Principles class. Somehow, discussions on basic gospel topics were refreshing.

  Outside of work and church, Alex, Stacy, and Snuzzle kept Nephi plenty busy. He continued his weekly Friday lunches with Stacy, filling her in on everything in his life and listening to her talk about Roger and the kids. He texted Alex nearly every day and talked to him on the phone for about an hour several times per week. They hadn’t met again in person since Los Cucos, but their friendship grew through their chats. They updated each other on Snuzzle connections and shared advice.

  Snuzzle had made three connections for Nephi and he had been chatting with each of them. Gary worked as an accountant at a consulting firm in Provo. Brent was a salesperson for a medical device company in Draper, and Kevin wrote software for a video game startup in Salt Lake. All of them seemed nice so far and he enjoyed talking with them. He wanted to give dating another go but was nervous. He was up front with all of them about being inexperienced and wanting to take it slow, which hadn’t scared any of them off just yet.

  After work on the Thursday before Halloween, Nephi got a Snuzzle message from Kevin.

  “What r ur plans on Sat?”

  “No big plans. You?”

  “Wanna meet 4 coffee?”

  “I’d love to meet but I don’t drink coffee.”

  “U can have cocoa. Java Springs Eternal on 33rd at 10am?”

  “Sounds good. See you there.”

  It was all set. A date. The first real date since the Evan debacle. Despite a touch of anxiety, Nephi felt ready. He was excited to meet a guy he might have a real relationship with and hoped it would go better than last time.

  After Nephi’s regular Saturday morning routine, he gassed up the truck and directed it toward Salt Lake. He took I-15 through American Fork and Lehi and then over the point of the mountain. Over the past few weeks, he had made that drive more times than in the previous year combined. The point of the mountain is an invisible barrier. People who live in Utah County rarely drive north into Salt Lake County, and those in Salt Lake County almost never travel south of the point of the mountain. Not that the distance is far, it is more of an ideological boundary, a mental schism between two worlds.

  When speaking of going to Salt Lake, those in Happy Valley, say that they are going “up north” as if Salt Lake is some far-off distant land. If a person from Salt Lake must go to Provo for some reason, they just don’t speak of it. Separated by mere miles, they are worlds apart with different politics and ways of living.

  Nephi made his way through the suburbs south of Salt Lake, taking the 33rd South exit and heading west toward State Street where he found Java Springs Eternal. Having never been inside a coffee shop before, it felt strange, somehow sinful. He walked through the doors and scanned the room for Kevin, hoping to recognize him from the Snuzzle profile picture.

  Not recognizing anyone, he took a seat at an empty table and waited. Five minutes passed, and then ten, with no sight of Kevin. Nephi started to worry, wondering if Kevin stood him up. He pulled out his phone to message Kevin when he heard a bell ring as someone walked in.

  Casting his gaze toward the door, Nephi saw a man. He was younger than Nephi with brown hair and brown eyes. Nephi recognized him from the Snuzzle photo. It was Kevin. Tall, thin and handsome with smooth skin and no facial hair, he appeared to fit the twink stereotype, as far as Nephi understood it. If it weren’t for their difference in hair and eye color, Nephi might as well be staring in a mirror. He waved to get Kevin’s attention. Kevin smiled and made his way to the table where Nephi sat.

  “Nephi, it’s good to meet you in person,” he said. “I’m glad to see that you look just like your picture. Shall we grab a coffee?” />
  They walked to the counter. “I’ll have a grosso caramel frappuccino with extra caramel,” said Kevin. “And whatever he wants,” he continued, pointing at Nephi.

  “I want a hot chocolate with whipped cream, please.”

  “Ok, would you like piccolo, medio, or grosso?” asked the barista behind the counter.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t know what that means.”

  “She is asking what size you want,” Kevin clarified. “Piccolo is the smallest size, then medio. Grosso is the largest cup size.”

  “I see, then I guess I’ll have a medio hot chocolate with whipped cream.”

  Kevin paid for both of them and Nephi watched as the barista made the hot cocoa. She put milk into a machine that steamed it and combined it with the chocolate in a cup. It left a pattern of milk at the top of the cocoa in the shape of a leaf. A smile of amazement came to Nephi’s face.

  “That’s incredible! How do they do that?” he wondered aloud.

  Kevin laughed at Nephi’s excitement over such a small, everyday thing. Nephi almost hated to see them top it off with whipped cream, covering the milky leaf.

  With drinks in hand, they returned to the table to chat. Seated, they sipped while staring into each other’s eyes. The hot chocolate was rich and creamy, not like the powder packet cocoa Nephi was used to.

  “A damn fine cup of coffee,” blurted out Kevin. “How’s the cocoa?”

  “Just about the best I have ever had. I’m really impressed. There is something you should know about me though. Swearing offends me and I would appreciate it if you refrain from saying cuss words around me.”

  “Wait, are you for real? You’re offended by the word damn? You sound just like those hyper-sensitive Mormons,” replied Kevin.

  “I don’t mean to be oversensitive, but I am Mormon and the words are offensive to me. I am just trying to be honest and up front with you.”

  “I see. Would it make you feel better if I call it a darn fine cup of coffee or a dang fine cup of coffee?”