Nephi's Courage

by Rory McFarlan

  “Yes, I feel a lot better about that. It says the same thing without being offensive.”

  “Give me a break, man. You Mormons and your fake cuss words. Do you really think God gets angry if you say damn but darn is perfectly okay? Or that saying hell is bad but heck is fine? All day long, I hear Mormons say things like ‘That’s a bunch of bull shiz’ or ‘no effin way, dude’ or ‘Judy is such a witch’ or ‘Bob is a total A-Hole’. Are you trying to tell me that God cares more about the actual word than the intent? From where I’m sitting, one doesn’t sound any different from the other, and if you are going to say it, you might as well just say the real thing.”

  At this point, Kevin was in full rant mode and Nephi didn’t dare interrupt. He thought it best to just let him finish. He carried on about “fetch” and “flippin”, “eff that” and “shiz”. It was true that a lot of Mormons liked to swear without really swearing. Nephi was taken back by Kevin’s rant but also somewhat amused.

  “I’m sorry, Nephi, but if you say ‘son of a bishop’ or ‘what the shiz’, it does not make you a Bad-A, it makes you a dumbass. I really don’t see that there is a damn bit of difference between the real swears and the fake ones and I don’t imagine that your God does either.”

  “I think you are probably right,” Nephi chuckled. “I don’t use fake swear words or real ones. I mean, I suppose I have been known to say heck and darn every now and again, but those other ones just sound ridiculous. Swearing offends me just the same. Can you hold back when you are around me?”

  “I don’t know, man. I mean, it’s part of my personality and shit. I am trying to figure you out. You’re gay and you’re looking to have a relationship, but you are also Mormon and offended by cussing. Explain that to me. Where do you draw the line? Because I’m not sure if you know this, but you can’t get too far as a gay man if you follow the Mormon rules.”

  “I hate trying to explain this all the time. I know it makes little sense to you, but the Mormon part of me is as real as the gay part of me. Both of them are important to me. I have always tried my hardest to be a good Mormon and now I am exploring my gay side. I am starting to date and trying to figure it out. I’m hoping you can help me do that and I would appreciate it if you can hold back on the swearing while you do it.”

  “Hold on, I’m still trying to understand. Let’s say that we date. I understand you want to take it slow, but hypothetically, say we really hit it off, and we have been dating for three months and want to take it to the next level. Since all gay sex is a sin in Mormonland, where do we take it? I have heard of BYU students who are into insertion with no movement. They call it soaking or marinating or something like that. They actually believe that God is okay with that if they don’t get off. I’ve also heard of them saying things like ‘oral is moral’. Will you try to justify yourself like that? Because I’m pretty sure the church isn’t okay with that either.”

  “No,” replied Nephi, “I have heard that type of thing too and soaking and oral are obviously just as sinful as going all the way. I know the church will see gay sex as a sin no matter what, but I want to hold myself to the same standard as straight church members. By that, I mean only kissing before marriage- no sex until after marriage.”

  Kevin started laughing in disbelief, shaking his head as he shot Nephi a look that said he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

  “What’s so funny?” asked Nephi. “Why can’t I follow the same rules as everyone else? It only seems fair.”

  “I find it funny that the only Mormon I have every met who seems to want to follow all the rules is gay. As far as why you can’t follow the rules just like everyone else, that isn’t a question for me. You should ask the church. You sound perfectly reasonable. The problem is that the church doesn’t see it that way. Even if you wait until after marriage, sex for you is a sin. The church won’t even recognize your marriage. And while a breeder couple can have sex before marriage and then get married and “repent” to be in good standing with the church, the only way you can “repent” will be to deny who you are, get a divorce, and never have sex again. If fair is what you are looking for, Nephi, I suggest you look somewhere other than the Mormon Church.”

  Kevin’s words hit Nephi like a punch to the gut. Nephi already knew the truth in what he said but he was in denial because he didn’t want to believe it.

  “You’re right,” said Nephi. “I know you’re right but despite all of that, I want to wait until marriage. That has been my plan all of my life and I don’t see it changing, even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.”

  “Ok, I get it, but I need to be honest with you, too. I’m not one who will just jump into marriage. I have to date a guy for a couple of years and then live with him for several more before I can consider making a permanent commitment. I’m not willing to wait until marriage, not for anyone. Right now I am looking for a serious relationship and you are clearly not what I am looking for. You seem like a nice enough guy and I hope you find what you are looking for, but I’m not it and it’s probably best if we don’t waste each other’s time.”

  “I can’t say I’m not disappointed,” replied Nephi, “but I appreciate your honesty and I have enjoyed meeting you, even if it gave me a reality check. You are a handsome guy. I’m sure you won’t be on the market for long.”

  They finished their drinks and wished each other well. Nephi got back in his truck and turned it back down south. As he drove, he wondered if he would ever find someone willing to wait for him. He didn’t want to waste his own time or anyone else’s so he figured he owed Gary and Brent a very frank conversation about what he was looking for. He worried about rejection but he had to be himself and he wouldn’t compromise his values.

  The stereo in Nephi’s truck had a cassette tape deck and Nephi still had a case full of cassette tapes. A Tommy Page cassette was already in the stereo. Nephi turned it up loud and sang along the entire way home. It helped him clear his head and gain perspective. By the time he arrived home, he felt strong.

  He sent messages to both Brent and Gary letting them know that he is both gay and Mormon and that both parts of him are equally important. He informed them of his intention to wait until marriage to make love and his intention to continue attending church and to observe the word of wisdom, abstaining from alcohol and coffee. “While I understand if this is too much for you to handle,” he wrote, “I must be true to myself and who I am. I hope you are open to continuing our relationship but no hard feelings if you’re not.” After sending the messages, Nephi made soup for lunch and then called Alex so he could share the details of his date with Kevin before Alex’s shift at the restaurant.

  Nephi recounted every detail while Alex listened patiently. He told of Kevin’s critique of fake Mormon swearing and of his own realization that the LDS standards of chastity were a tough sell in the gay community.

  He wondered aloud if he could ever find someone willing to pursue a relationship with him given his commitment to obeying the commandments of God. After listening to Nephi ramble on about his romantic pursuits, including the messages he just sent Brent and Gary, Alex thought carefully before replying.

  “Nephi, I’m not sure what to tell you. To be honest, I’m not sure if you will find someone willing to go along with your fantasy of blending two worlds that don’t mesh. It’s like trying to mix water with oil. They both stand fine on their own, but no matter how hard you try, they remain separate. Believe me, I don’t fault you for trying. I understand that you are who you are. I just worry that you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I mean, Kevin has a point. Even if you are perfect and never drink alcohol or coffee and you are kind and generous. Even if you are perfectly honest and even if you practice abstinence until marriage, you will still be a sinner in the eyes of the church. The same rules that apply to straight Mormons don’t apply to you. You are gay and their rules for you are different. The sooner you come to grips with that, the better.”

  Nephi sat in sile
nce while Alex’s words sunk in. There had to be a way to make it work. Surely, loving Heavenly Parents would not create him into an existence destined for sadness. Certainly, they would not apply a different standard to their straight children. Nephi believed that they loved him just as much as all of their children. He believed that they created him for a purpose and that they wanted him to be happy. In the deepest depths of his soul, he believed that if he kept the commandments, the blessings for him would be the same as those afforded to his straight counterparts. It is the only thing that made sense. Loving eternal beings, the parents of his soul, would surely be fair.

  “Nephi?” asked Alex. “Are you still there? Sorry to lay something so heavy on you. I’m just trying to help.”

  “I know you are, and I appreciate the advice. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and there are things that I need to figure out on my own. But hey, there is something else I want to ask you. Thursday is Halloween and my ward is doing a Trunk or Treat for the kids. We all park our cars in the church parking lot and decorate our trunks for Halloween. The kids go from car to car for candy. There is a chili cook off and games. It’s fun. Will you come with me? We can dress up.”

  “I don’t know about that. Me and church activities don’t go well together. I doubt they’d welcome me. You go ahead. You can call me afterward and let me know how it went. Besides, I don’t have a costume.”

  “Don’t worry about that. I have a closet full of them. Please come. You’ll be my guest and I don’t really care what anyone else thinks. You can even make some chili for the cook off.”

  “Well, I do make a mean black bean chili. I guess I can come but you better not leave my side the whole time. It’s torture being alone with church people.”

  “Don’t worry. I won’t leave you alone. I’ll text you my address. Meet me at my apartment at 5:00 and we’ll get your costume sorted before we head over to the church.”

  “Sounds good,” replied Alex. “It will be an interesting night.”

  Alex had to get ready for work so they said their goodbyes. Nephi’s next call was to Stacy. He filled her in on all the developments in his life. While they were talking, he received a message from Gary who thanked him for his honesty and indicated that he was an ex Mormon himself so he understood how difficult it can be to find a new normal, but he wasn’t up for the drama. Nephi was glad he had Alex and Stacy. He didn’t know what he would do without them. Stacy told Nephi all about Sophie and Wyatt’s Halloween costumes. Sophi would dress as a princess and they found a little onesie tiger costume for Wyatt. She texted Nephi a picture and he found it absolutely adorable. The conversation wound down, and they said goodbye.

  Nephi spent the evening reading scriptures and praying, searching for answers from God about his place. When he read, he felt a warm burning inside. He knew that God loved him and despite his doubt and confusion, he held his convictions and felt good about his direction.

  Chapter 10

  The next few days went by quickly. Church and dinner with his parents on Sunday and then into the work week. Despite no progress on the relationship front and still no reply from Brent, Nephi carried his new found confidence forward. For the first time that he could remember, he knew who he was and was comfortable with himself. Accepting all parts of himself, he was happy at work, at church, and in his personal life. Everything was far from perfect, but that didn’t matter so much anymore because he was comfortable in his own shoes.

  Before he knew it, Thursday arrived. Ever since he was a young boy, Nephi loved Halloween. Although he wasn’t into horror movies, he loved the decorations and the costumes. Every year at work, they held a costume competition and Nephi was all in. He won the contest the first three years he worked there, forcing Brower to make a rule that the same person couldn’t win two years in a row. When he became a manager, they changed the rules again, making managers ineligible to win. Despite the fact that he had no prospect of a prize, Nephi always had the best costume and this year was no exception.

  The level of detail in the paint on Nephi’s face took it to a new level. He painted a perfect Calavera – a Day of the Dead sugar skull. A white paint base coated his entire face with eyes framed by black flowers, highlighted with red edges. The web painted over his forehead was home to a small black spider, and if you looked close enough, you could see its evil grin.

  Nephi painted his lips red, the same shade as the trim on the flowers around his eyes, with thin black lines extending onto his cheeks, mimicking the teeth on a skull. His upper cheeks and temples sported vines with small flowers budding from the stalk. Both sides of his nose were painted black, with a narrow white crack separating them. He topped it off with a pinstripe suit and matching fedora. The costume was exquisite.

  Knowing that no costume would compare to Nephi’s, Mark designated him as the judge for this year’s competition. The office was abuzz as clowns, vampires, fairies, princesses, and monsters occupied each cubicle. Speaking with Monica, dressed as a mummy, he learned that Jimmy Haslam won the night shift competition and the $50 gift card. He dressed as a werewolf, using face paint, a wig, and patches of hair rather than a mask. It was fantastic and even rivaled Nephi’s costume.

  Today, Nephi’s rounds expanded beyond his own team area so he could examine the costumes throughout the call center. Judging would not be easy. There were too many good costumes. Brock and Angela dressed as conjoined twins, connected at the hip. Very fitting. Nephi laughed when he saw them, knowing he had been beat. He couldn’t very well force them to sit apart or it would ruin their costume. As he made the rounds, Nephi took pictures of each contestant and made notes about creativity, effort level, and visual impact.

  Mark arrived at the office dressed in jeans with holes in the knees and a dirty white t-shirt topped with an open flannel shirt. He was wearing gloves with the fingers cut off exposing filthy fingers. His mussed hair sat above a smudged face. Around his neck hung a cardboard sign that read, “Why lie? I need beer money.” Nephi was taken back.

  “Hey there, Mark, what are you supposed to be?” asked Nephi, afraid of the answer.

  “Isn’t it obvious? I’m one of those lazy bums that beg on the streets up north.”

  “Cute,” replied Nephi. “I can’t even begin to describe the levels on which I find that offensive.”

  “Don’t tell me that you’re one of those triggered snowflake libtards that’s offended by everything. Come on, Nephi, where’s your sense of humor?”

  “Mark, believe me, it takes a lot to offend me. Congratulations, you’ve managed to do it. And if you find human beings living on the street, struggling to survive to be humorous, then you may be right, I must not have a sense of humor.”

  “Come on, Nephi, it’s not like that. It’s just a Halloween costume. Lighten up.”

  Nephi managed to muster a half smile. He patted Mark on the shoulder before walking away, returning to his judging duties. He had known Mark for a long time and had respected him on many levels but all of that just went out the window. It’s funny how you can know someone for so long but at the same time not really know them. It’s sad when people give you a glimpse of what lies under their skin and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth; the taste of disappointment.

  Nephi walked the call center, making sure the candy bowl at the end of each aisle was full and that hot cocoa wasn’t running low in the break room. He collected all the data required to choose the winning Halloween costume and retired to his office to deliberate. After much internal debate, he whittled the list down to three. Each would receive a gift card, $20 for third place, $25 for second, and $50 for first, but who should be the winner?

  Paul was a zombie that was nearly good enough to be in a movie. He wore torn pants, and a shredded jacket that exposed a rubber rib cage. He had painted his face white and fake skin hung from his cheeks. He walked with a convincing limp, dragging his right leg dramatically.

  Abram dressed as a very convincing luchador, complete with mask and cape
. The royal blue mask had bright orange flames going up the side of the head and wrapping around the back. The eye holes were accented in shiny gold trim. He wore a muscle shirt, giving his stocky body the appearance of abs, and his blue cape extended almost to the floor. The speedo covered leotard was a nice touch.

  Kara was a porcelain doll who was truly creepy. With a black and white striped dress that came almost to her knees, and torn thigh-high stockings, she painted her face white with a black streak forming a crack in the center of her forehead. The fake smile painted on her face made the costume. If ever there was a haunted doll, Kara personified it.

  The decision was difficult and Nephi went back and forth before finalizing his decision. Third place would go to Abram, the fantastic luchador. Second prize belonged to the terrifying zombie and he awarded the $50 gift card to Kara, the haunted doll from Hades. Nephi enjoyed distributing the prizes and posting the pictures in the break room for all to see. With work winding down, he couldn’t wait for the trunk or treat.

  Shift change came and Nephi filled Steve in on the happenings of the day and wished him luck with the evening shift. He then headed home to give his apartment a once-over before Alex arrived. The place was already spotless, but Nephi wiped down everything in the kitchen and ran the vacuum over the carpet just to be sure. A few minutes after 5:00, he heard a knock on the door. He half walked, half skipped to the door and invited Alex in.

  “Wow, your costume is incredible,” noted Alex. “You really went all out didn’t you?”

  “Thank you! Any trouble finding the place?”

  “Not at all, I drove right to it. I knew I was in the right place when I saw that ugly truck of yours in the parking lot.”

  “Hey, careful now, you might hurt my beautiful girl’s feelings.”

  They both laughed and Nephi took Alex’s coat and hung it on the rack near the door.

  “Welcome to my humble abode,” he said. “Have a seat on the couch while I gather your costume options.”