Nephi's Courage

by Rory McFarlan

  In the morning, Nephi readied himself for church, put on his coat, and made the walk through the snow to the church building, being careful not to let his slick bottomed shoes fall victim to the icy sidewalk. Upon arrival, he took a seat on the pew next to Mike and Darla. His mind still in a fog, the words of the sacrament meeting speakers didn’t stick. Sacrament meeting ended, and he headed toward the Gospel Principles class but Bishop Thompson intercepted him and asked to meet in his office.

  Nephi was surprised to see President Miller, the leader of the Stake, sitting in Bishop Thompson’s chair. President Miller stood and shook Nephi's hand.

  “Please take a seat, Brother Willard,” he requested.

  Nephi sat in the chair across from the desk while Bishop Thompson took a place beside President Miller. Nephi looked across the room at President Miller, confused at the purpose of his visit.

  An older gentleman with dark gray hair and a round nose that held his horn-rimmed glasses in place, President Miller had a kind face that smiled back at Nephi. He asked Bishop Thompson to offer a prayer. Bishop Thompson prayed for the Spirit to be present during the meeting and for a positive outcome. He concluded the prayer in the name of Jesus Christ. President Miller looked Nephi directly in the eye.

  “Brother Willard,” he said, “I am here to invite you to take part in a disciplinary council. We are hoping you will meet with us at the Stake Center on Saturday at 10:00.”

  “A disciplinary council?” asked Nephi.

  “Yes, I have received some reports alleging that you have violated church standards. A disciplinary council is somewhat of a church court where we will review the facts of the allegations and give you the opportunity to speak on your own behalf. You are also welcome to bring witnesses if you wish. If you confess to the allegations, your defense and the witnesses will not be necessary.”

  “I am confused. What are these allegations and what does a disciplinary council look like? I’m not familiar with a church court.”

  “Don’t worry,” replied President Miller. “It’s not like a regular court. The purpose of the trial is not to punish. I want you to think of it as a court of love. The whole reason that we hold disciplinary councils is to save the souls of transgressors, protect the innocent, and maintain the good name of the church. We are holding the council because we love you and are concerned about the eternal state of your soul.”

  “And the allegations?”

  “We received information that you might have committed homosexual sin and also committed the sin of apostasy. We will review the evidence and discuss each allegation with you and any witness you bring forward. The details are in this letter.”

  President Miller handed a sealed envelope to Nephi across the table. “Read it at your leisure and we can discuss everything on Saturday. Are you available at that time?”

  “I am available, but I’m still confused. Why is this being done at the Stake level instead of in the ward and what does the church court process entail?”

  “Because you hold the Melchizedek Priesthood and are accused of grievous sin, the Stake administers the disciplinary council. You will meet with myself and my two counselors along with the twelve members of the High Council. We will present you with the details of the allegations and give you a chance to reply. We will ask questions of you and any witnesses you present. We will then excuse you, and assign half of the High Council members to defend you while the other half supports the allegations against you. I will solicit their feedback and then decide. Later, I will meet with you to explain the decision.”

  “I see. How long does it take to make a decision and what will happen to me after that?”

  “There isn’t a timeline on the decision. I may need time to fast and pray for God’s guidance. It could be a day or several weeks. There are several potential outcomes of the disciplinary council. I may take no action, in which case, you would carry on as usual. I could decide on formal probation where you could not partake of the sacrament, hold a church calling, or attend the temple until your repentance is complete. Another option is disfellowshipment. If we opt to disfellowship, you will still be a member of the church, but will not be in good standing. The restrictions of probation apply and it also restricts you from speaking at church meetings, offering public prayers, and sustaining church officers. The final option is excommunication. In that case, you are no longer a member of the church. It carries all the restrictions of being disfellowshipped but also prohibits you from paying tithing and revokes your temple blessings and priesthood.”

  “Okay,” said Nephi, fully depleted. “What do you foresee happening in my case?”

  “I can’t say until we hear from you and your witnesses, but if we find the allegations accurate, the most likely outcome would be disfellowshipment or excommunication. If that happens, understand that those outcomes are not the end, but the beginning of the repentance process. Any time we take such action, it is difficult, but we do it out of love. It offers each soul the best opportunity for repentance and salvation.”

  President Miller’s face told Nephi he was sincere. He really believed every word he said.

  “Okay, President Miller. Thank you for explaining everything to me. Where will we meet on Saturday?”

  “Please come to the Stake Center with any witnesses. We will meet in the High Council room.”

  “I’ll be there,” replied Nephi.

  “Thank you, Brother Willard. I appreciate your attitude and cooperation in this matter. I’ll see you on Saturday.”

  Nephi shook the hands of both men. Church was nearly over by that time and Nephi walked straight home. Sitting at the kitchen table, he read through the letter that President Miller provided. It accused him of living with another man in a homosexual relationship and apostasy by means of promoting doctrine contrary to the church.

  The reference to living with another gay man had to mean Bradley. He couldn’t believe someone was accusing him of that, especially the day after Bradley’s funeral. He called Alex to ask if he was available Saturday morning and if he would be a witness.

  Alex did not at all want to meet with LDS church leadership but reluctantly agreed to witness on Nephi’s behalf because he knew that Nephi had nobody else that knew all the details of the situation. Nephi thanked him profusely.

  Nephi’s next call was to Stacy who also agreed to show up to the disciplinary council as a witness. Nephi feared the events on the horizon. His faith meant everything to him. He believed in Jesus Christ and his gospel with all his heart. The prospect of excommunication terrified him but he was glad for friends he could call on for support even in the most difficult of times.

  Chapter 20

  Along with a new work week, Monday delivered more snow. A blanket of white covered Pleasant Grove. The icy temperature matched the reception Nephi received from Mark while the disciplinary council loomed. As a member of the Stake Presidency, Mark would be an active participant in the court of love and he already seemed to form a judgement.

  Despite Mark’s startling glares and unusual avoidance, Nephi kept it together at work and pushed his team to improve both ‘Handle Time’ and ‘Idle Time’. Their monitor scores were better than every other team in the call center.

  Each morning and night, he spent more time than usual on his knees, pleading with God for a positive outcome at the church trial. He prayed for God to bless the leaders of the Stake that they might understand him and his intentions, and that the Holy Spirit would be present during the meeting.

  Nephi spent Wednesday and Thursday evening in Salt Lake with Alex. The first night they went to dinner and a movie as Nephi did his best not to think about the disciplinary council but the distractions were short-lived. The second night, they hung out at Alex’s apartment playing board games until late.

  Stacy met Nephi for lunch on Friday. He played tic-tac-toe with Chloe while he talked to Stacy about the potential outcomes of a church court. By that time, his anxiety had the better of him and he couldn�
�t bring himself to eat much. Right after lunch, he started fasting for a positive outcome and to allow the spirit to be present when he pleads his case with the church.

  Waking early on Saturday morning, Nephi read the Book of Mormon for an hour and spent just as long on his knees. Reading and praying brought him comfort as he felt the Spirit calm his heart and felt that everything would work out okay. Around 9:00, both Stacy and Alex arrived at his apartment. He invited them in and they kneeled together while Nephi offered a prayer aloud that there may be love and understanding present in the High Council room during his disciplinary council.

  They rose to their feet, and each gave Nephi a hug and wished him luck with the church court. The three of them went to the Stake Center together in Alex’s car. Nephi couldn’t remember ever feeling so nervous. They walked through the doors into the foyer and waited for the meeting to begin. They sat on the couch with Nephi in the middle. Alex was holding his right hand and Stacy his left. They were about fifteen minutes early and the High Council room door was closed. Nephi figured they must be meeting about his case.

  Right at 10:00, the door opened and President Miller emerged. He shook each of their hands.

  “Come on in, Nephi. Your witnesses can wait here for now.”

  Nephi followed President Miller into the room where fourteen other men waited for him. Nephi took a seat and scanned the faces in the room. Each of them carried a look of contempt. It sure didn’t feel like a court of love. He recognized a few of the men, President Stone was his boss at work and Brother Mendenhall was the High Counselor assigned to his ward. He also recognized Brother Tanner from his ward who was a member of the previous Bishopric.

  He smiled, trying to calm himself. President Miller showed a grin but smiles were not forthcoming from anyone else in the room. President Miller informed Nephi of the charges - homosexual sin and apostasy.

  “The first allegation,” he stated, “is substantiated by two witnesses. Brother Bevan Hanson told us you had a homosexual relationship with his son, Bradley. He said the two of you lived together in the same one-bedroom apartment. Brother Jacob Willard reported that you shared a tent with another gay man named Alex during a recent hunting trip and that same man also recently slept in your apartment.”

  Nephi shook his head in disbelief as they presented the allegations. President Miller studied him carefully.

  “Brother Willard, after hearing the witness statements, do you confess to the sin of homosexual relations?”

  “No,” replied Nephi, “I have never had sexual relations with anyone before. I am a virgin.”

  Nephi noticed that many in the room were shaking their heads. It was clear that they did not believe his statement.

  “Very well,” said President Miller. “Please explain the events to us from your perspective.

  “Bradley Hanson lived with me prior to his death because his family kicked him out of the house when he told them he was gay. He didn’t have anywhere else to go, and I took him in. We never had a sexual relationship. I offered him the bed, and I slept on the living room sofa.”

  “So you never had intercourse with Bradley?” asked President Stone.

  “No, never!”

  “What about oral sex? Did you have oral sex with him?”

  “No, we had no sexual contact of any kind.”

  “Did you ever touch his penis either above or underneath the clothing?”

  “No, I did not. As I said, we had no sexual relationship. We were just friends.”

  “You never even kissed him?”

  “He kissed me once, and I let him know that I wasn’t interested in that type of relationship and that was it, we were good friends and nothing more.”

  “Do you masturbate while thinking about men?”

  “No, I don’t masturbate at all.”

  Nephi felt intimidated and horrified as they barraged him with terribly personal questions as fifteen men in suits stared on. It was a horrible feeling that he wouldn’t wish on anyone. He couldn’t even imagine how women who take part in a church disciplinary council must feel. A court of love it was not.

  “Is there anyone who can substantiate the story the way that you tell it?” asked President Miller.

  “Yes, my friend Alex is outside and he can substantiate it. My friend Stacy is also here. I confide everything in her and she can also speak on my behalf.”

  “Is this the same Alex,” asked President Stone, “who went with you on the hunting trip?”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “And what do you have to say about the allegations from your brother concerning him?”

  “Jacob and I are not what you would call close. Just like Brother Hanson, he is making assumptions about my actions without having firsthand knowledge of the details. I have never had sexual intercourse with Alex and yes, that includes oral sex and petting. We have never had sexual contact.”

  “Did he share a tent with you and stay in your apartment?” asked President Miller.

  “Yes, we went elk hunting the week before Thanksgiving and after Bradley died, he stayed at my apartment to avoid the long drive back to Salt Lake but nothing sexual happened.”

  “Did you kiss him?” asked President Stone.

  “Yes, Alex and I are dating and we kiss but nothing more.”

  “Can anyone substantiate things about Alex?” queried President Miller.

  “Alex and Stacy are both here and they can speak to the relationship.”

  Brother Mendenhall raised his hand to get Nephi’s attention and said, “Brother Willard, you know that while suffering from same sex attraction is not a sin, acting on that attraction is. Given that, why are you in a dating relationship with another man?”

  “I have lived as celibate my entire life. I am, in fact, still a virgin. That life is lonely. I crave human interaction on the same level that you experience with your wives. It believe that is natural. I have struggled with that loneliness and recently started exploring the option of dating. Alex and I have become good friends. Can I ask a question?”

  “Yes, go ahead, Brother Willard,” replied President Miller.

  “Can you imagine how it would feel if loving your wife was a sin?”

  “But it’s not,” said President Miller.

  “I understand that, but I am trying to gauge the level of empathy in the room. Can you imagine yourself in my place? What if God made you to be attracted to a gender forbidden for you to love? How would you feel?”

  “I’m sorry, Brother Willard, I’m afraid this line of thinking is detracting from purpose of the meeting. I can’t put myself in your place and will never understand what it’s like to be attracted to a man.”

  “I’m not asking you to do that. All I am asking is for you to imagine what it would be like if having a marital relationship with a woman was a sin.”

  “But it’s not a sin. This conversation is becoming circular and I’m cutting it off right here. Let’s get back to the details of the alleged sins.”

  Exasperated, Nephi resigned himself to the fact that empathy was not to be found among this group.

  “Okay, what else would you like to know?”

  “So just to confirm,” said President Stone, “your version of the facts are that you spent nights alone with both Bradley and Alex but did not have a sexual relationship of any kind with them and you kissed both of them and are now in a courting relationship with Alex. Is that correct?”

  “Yes, that is correct.”

  “Before we proceed with the second allegation,” said President Miller, “I would like to hear from your witnesses regarding the first. Brother Tanner, please step into the lobby and ask Alex to join us.”

  Brother Tanner stepped out of the room and returned with Alex. President Miller directed him to sit on the opposite side of the table. Sweat beads formed on his forehead and dripped down his face. Nephi had never seen him so nervous.

  President Miller told Alex of the accusation against Nephi. He explained that they would
ask questions related to people Nephi knew and places he had been. He then proceeded with the questions.

  “Are you familiar with Nephi’s apartment?”

  “Yes, I have been there many times.”

  “Were you there while Bradley Hanson lived with Nephi?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you familiar with their sleeping arrangement and if so, can you describe it?”

  “Yes, Nephi gave up his bed to Bradley while he slept on the sofa. I thought it might be only for the first night he was there to make him more comfortable but that arrangement continued and until Bradley died, he slept in the bed while Nephi slept on the sofa.”

  “Are you aware of whether there was ever a sexual relationship between Bradley and Nephi?”

  “You’re kidding, right? Do you even know Nephi?” He shook his head in disgust. “No, there was never any sexual relationship between them.”

  “Okay, thank you. We understand that you went hunting with Nephi. Is that correct?”

  “Yes, we went into the Uinta Mountains. It was snowy and beautiful. We saw deer and elk but Nephi didn’t shoot anything.”

  “What were the sleeping arrangements when you went hunting?”

  “We slept in a tent and we each had our own cot near the stove.”

  “Was there any sexual touching or sexual intercourse between the two of you while you were there?”

  “Despite my best efforts, no. We kissed, and that’s it. You guys sure don’t seem to know Nephi at all. He’s a good Mormon. He has boundaries and he firmly let me know where they are. He doesn’t cross them. I’ve known a lot of Mormons and most of them aren’t like Nephi, most are weaker. I’m telling you guys, Nephi is the most Mormony Mormon that ever did Mormon. I’ve never seen anyone follow your rules better than him.”

  “So you’re saying, there was no sexual interaction at all including no oral sex?”

  “Are you even listening to me? No, there was nothing. Nephi doesn’t do that.”

  “We understand that you and Nephi are now dating, is that correct?”