Nephi's Courage

by Rory McFarlan

  “Yes, we have been dating ever since the hunting trip.”

  “In the time that you have been dating, have you ever had sexual intercourse?”

  “Again, no, we have never had sex or anything remotely close to sex. We have made out. Kissing. That’s it.”

  “Thank you for your time in answering your questions. If you wouldn’t mind waiting in the foyer, we will let you know if we have any further questions for you.”

  Brother Tanner opened the door and escorted Alex back to the lobby. He returned and closed the door.

  President Miller resumed questioning Nephi. “Brother Willard, your story and Alex’s are remarkably consistent. Either you have collaborated and rehearsed your story, or you are telling the truth.”

  “We are telling the truth,” replied Nephi.

  “If that is the case, I am still very disappointed in you. You musn’t only avoid sin, you must avoid the very appearance of evil. As an active member of the church, you must protect the church’s good name.”

  “Are you suggesting that I should have refused Bradley a place to stay and forced him to fend for himself on the street?”

  “I’m saying that as a man who suffers from same sex attraction, you should not cohabitate with another man under any circumstances.”

  “When a human in need is kicked out of their home because of something they cannot change or control, I will not force them out on the street. That’s not in my nature and I am not sorry for giving Bradley a place to live when he had nowhere else to go. I’m not sorry for giving Alex a place to crash after a long, exhausting day when it wasn’t safe for him to drive home.”

  “Okay, Brother Willard, thank you. I want to pursue the second allegation now, that of apostasy. Bishop Thompson reported that you disagree with church doctrine relating to the family. That you believe that doctrine may change at some point. Is that true? We know that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He does not change.”

  “I do not believe that the doctrine will change in the future but I hope it will change. I pray for it to change.”

  “Please explain.”

  “There are examples in church history when the church declared a position to be doctrine and later changed its position. It is well documented and even acknowledged in the official essays that the church released. Once such example is the revelation given to President Kimball that all worthy men may receive the Priesthood and enjoy temple blessings. Prior to that time, church leadership widely taught that men of African descent would never receive the Priesthood. Some of those leaders proclaimed that stance to be unchangeable doctrine, a position that later changed.”

  He continued, “Another example is the practice of polygamy. The church proclaimed the practice as revelation from God, but later forbade it. From then on, the church declared polygamy against God’s law and excommunicated those who practiced it. Given that precedent, my hope is that at some future point, the church position will change on same-sex marriage. I understand the church condemns same-sex marriage and declares it as doctrine from God that will never change. I do not claim that the church doctrine is anything different than that. All I am saying is that as a gay man and a lonely human being who longs for bonding with another human being, I hope it will change someday.”

  “I see,” replied President Miller. “Who do you share this belief with?”

  “It’s not a belief. I don’t believe it will change or predict it will change. I have seen nothing from the church that makes me believe it will ever change, but I hope that it will.”

  “And who do you share that hope with?”

  “I share it with God in my prayers. I share it with my closest friends, Stacy and Alex, and I shared it with Bishop Thompson.”

  “With whom else have you shared your hope that the eternal doctrine of God concerning same-sex relationships will change?”

  “I have shared it with no one else. I don’t have that many friends and my family wouldn’t care to hear it. I really don’t have anyone else to share it with.”

  “So you know that church doctrine states that same sex marriage is detrimental to society, yet you still support same sex marriage?”

  “That is correct. I support it.”

  “Thank you, Brother Willard. We have everything we need from you. I will now convene with the men in this room and we will deliberate concerning your case. I will let you know when I have decided. Do you have questions before you leave?”

  “Don’t you want to interview Stacy?”

  “We have all the information we need. Her testimony will not be necessary. If we feel that we need any more information, we will reach out.”

  “I just want you to know that I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I know that Jesus Christ lives and that he is my Savior. I am so thankful for Him and His atoning sacrifice for me. I know that the Book of Mormon is true. I have read it and felt its spirit. I love this church and strive to live the way God wants me to live every day. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

  “Thank you. Brother Tanner will see you out.”

  “Do you have any idea when you might have a decision?”

  “Not at the moment. I won’t put a timeline on it and these things can take time. I’ll be in touch.”

  Brother Tanner opened the door and Nephi exited the High Council room and made his way to the foyer where Stacy and Alex waited for him.

  “Well?” asked Alex.

  “They said that they have all they need for now. Apparently they don’t feel like they need to hear from Stacy. They will discuss it and President Miller will call me when he has decided.”

  The trio left the building to find that heavy snowfall had continued while they were inside. There were two inches on top of the Prius and Nephi cleared it while Alex started the car to get the heater going. They stopped at the grocery store on the way home where Alex bought the ingredients to make Rigatoni al Forno. They returned to Nephi’s apartment where they talked while Alex made lunch.

  Nephi was nervous and wished that he already knew the outcome of the disciplinary council but he realized the answer wouldn’t likely come today. Alex’s cooking seriously impressed Stacy and Nephi. They had never tasted better Italian food. After lunch, Alex had to leave for work and Stacy stayed with Nephi for a few hours to keep his spirits up. They has been friends for as long as both of them could remember and she hated to see her friend in pain.

  When it came time for her to leave, Nephi walked her to her car and cleared the snow for her. She gave him the biggest bear hug she knew how to give and wished him luck with President Miller. Nephi returned to the apartment and closed the door. Alone in the empty room and overwhelmed by the emotions of the day, he laid on the couch and cried himself to sleep.

  Chapter 21

  Sunday morning, Nephi got up early. He prayed and started a fast. He fasted that President Miller would see into his heart and understand how much he loved the church and that he must also be true to himself, to the way God created him. The two sides of him had wrestled within him for his entire life. Until now, he always suppressed one part of him in favor of the other but that only led to loneliness and misery. He could no longer ignore his true self. At the same time, he could not suppress the Mormon in him either. He fasted and prayed that President Miller would comprehend the gravity of his internal conflict.

  After scripture study, he watched a church music DVD while he pondered and reflected. Feeling spiritually prepared, he bundled up and made the walk to church through the snow. He arrived early and helped the young men shovel and salt the sidewalks and then went into the chapel where he sat with head bowed, preparing himself for the meeting.

  Brother Hanson who sat in the pew directly in front of Nephi interrupted his reflection.

  “I don’t get it, Nephi,” he said, “why do you keep showing up? You don’t believe in church doctrine and you don’t belong here. Just give it up.”

  “You don’t know wh
at I believe and I don’t come here for you or anyone else. I come here for me. I come because I want to be here and that’s all that matters.”

  “No matter, before long they will excommunicate you and then we’ll finally be rid of you.”

  “That’s not set in stone and even if I that happens, what makes you think I would stop coming to church? I come because I want to and I don’t foresee anything changing that so you’ll just need to get used to seeing me.”

  “Why don’t you understand that you don’t fit in? You are an abomination. What do I need to do to make it clear that you shouldn’t come to church?”

  “That’s not for you to decide and nothing you can say or do will change that. It is my decision where I worship God and you have no say in the matter. Even your lies to the Stake President can’t change that.”

  Nephi bowed his head and continued to meditate, blocking out Brother Hanson and all other noise. The sound of silence is all he could hear. He directed his thoughts to the Savior and imagined Him on His knees in the Garden of Gethsemane, experiencing Nephi’s own pain, blood dropping to the ground as he bore the sin, pain, and suffering. Nephi knew that Jesus understood him. He knew that more than any other being, Jesus had empathy and pure love for him, and that comforted him.

  Darla’s hand on his shoulder brought him out of his deep state of pondering and the opening hymn began. Nephi sang exuberantly, enjoying the music of the organ and the voices singing in praise to God. He focused on every word of the prayer and returned his mind to his Redeemer as he sang the sacrament hymn and partook of the sacrament. Nephi savored the moment, not knowing if this was the last time they would permit him to partake of the sacred emblems of Christ.

  He enjoyed the speakers and the remaining hymns, allowing himself to be fully present in the meeting. After sacrament meeting, he went directly to Elders Quorum and volunteered to give the opening prayer. He answered nearly every question during class, not knowing if those privileges would be available to him the following week.

  That day, Nephi fully participated and enjoyed church like he never had before. The prospect of losing it all was daunting, and he wanted to enjoy it while he could. On his way out, he stopped by Bishop Thompson’s office and handed him a tithing envelope while shaking his hand. It was his last tithing check of the year and he was proud to be a full tithe payer.

  He walked out of the church smiling, knowing that he had done everything he could to exercise his faith that day. If being true to himself meant he would lose most of those privileges, that is the way it had to be but he could no longer pretend to be what he was not. Somehow, some way, the two parts of him needed to stop wrestling and find harmony.

  There is no stopping time, and the week marched on. Nephi was anxious to hear from President Miller but he couldn’t let that stop him from living. On Monday, he had to separate Angela and Brock again when he found them seated next to each other playing footsies while taking calls. As always, he reminded them to be discreet at work. His team stats continued to be strong and the silent treatment from Mark continued but he decided it was best not to worry about things that he could not control.

  Tuesday rolled by and then came Wednesday. He was in his office in the middle of a call monitor when Mark knocked on his door.

  “Please come to my office as soon as you score that call,” he said.

  Mark had barely acknowledged him for the past two weeks and Nephi wondered what he wanted. Was it related to work or church? Mark had been known to mix them in the past. He directed his mind back to the call until he gathered enough data to assign a score and then went to Mark’s office.

  “Come on in and close the door,” Mark instructed.

  Nephi took a seat and looked across the desk at Mark. The look on his face was almost one of excitement.

  “What can I do for you?” asked Nephi.

  “President Miller would like to meet with you tomorrow evening at 6:00. He knows I work with you so he asked me to see if that time works for you. Are you available?”

  “Yes, I am. I’ll be there. Do you have any ideas what he will say?”

  “I’m afraid I don’t and even if I did, I wouldn’t be at liberty to say.”

  “Okay, thanks. Is there anything else?”

  “No, that is all for now.”

  Nephi left Mark’s office and returned to his own where he closed the door and called Alex. He explained that President Miller wanted to meet with him Thursday evening and asked if Alex would accompany him for moral support.

  “I’ll be there,” said Alex. “Anything you need. I’ll meet you at your place when you get off work.”

  Now that he knew of the meeting, it was all Nephi could think of. The anticipation almost drove him mad. He finished the work day and headed home for a nice long run on the treadmill to work off some of his nerves. He texted Stacy to let her know of his meeting. She wished him luck. After everything that happened recently, Nephi needed a win, and he hoped his meeting with the Stake President would provide it.

  Work on Thursday was difficult to get through. Nephi went through the paces but his impatience made each minute seem like hours. After several call monitors and coaching sessions with members of his team, the work day finally ended, and he headed out to the parking lot, excited to get back to the apartment to see Alex and then to meet with President Miller, the holder of his fate.

  As he walked to the back of the parking lot where he always parked, he noticed that something was on top of his truck. When he got closer, he could tell that the ‘something’ was actually a ‘someone’. There, laying on his side across the hood of Nephi’s truck was Alex, holding a bouquet of flowers.

  “Aww,” he exclaimed, “that’s just about the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. Thank you.”

  He helped Alex down from the hood and hugged him tightly and then kissed him passionately. The kiss was deep and long, filled with love and plenty of tongue. Both lost in the moment, they didn’t hear the vehicle that was coming toward them.

  The loud blare of a car horn interrupted their kiss.

  “Be discreet!” yelled Brock out his downed window as he and Angela cruised by on their way out of the parking lot.

  Nephi couldn’t help but laugh. He looked down at the flowers and then back at Alex and resumed kissing right there in front of his truck in the Brower parking lot. He hugged Alex one more time and then they each got in their respective vehicles and proceeded to Nephi’s apartment where Nephi changed into a suit and kneeled by his bed to pray while Alex waited in the living room.

  They sat talking in the living room about the potential outcomes until a quarter to six.

  “Looks like it’s time to go,” said Nephi.

  “Honey, just know that whatever happens, I’m with you. I have your back.”

  “I know you do, and I love you for that.”

  They got in Alex’s car and together went to the Stake Center. Nephi told Alex to wait in the car but he refused and instead followed Nephi inside and sat in the foyer while Nephi went into President Miller’s office.

  “Brother Willard, thank you for coming to see me tonight,” said President Miller.

  “Of course, I’ve been waiting to hear from you,” replied Nephi.

  “May we start with an opening prayer?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “Will you offer it?”

  “I would love to.”

  Nephi prayed, “Dear Father in Heaven, we thank thee for this beautiful day and for the opportunity that President Miller and I have to meet here together today. We pray that thy Spirit will be in our meeting and that we may discuss things in a spirit of love, respect, and mutual understanding. Please bless that we may arrive at the outcome that is according to thy will. We thank thee for the church and for our Savior, Jesus Christ, and we say things in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

  “Amen,” added President Miller. “Thank you for that beautiful prayer. I do hope we can discuss things in a spirit of love.”

&n
bsp; “So do I. Have you made a decision about me?”

  “Yes, Brother Willard, I have made a decision. First, let’s discuss the allegation of homosexual sin. While you have engaged in activity unbecoming of a priesthood holder and failed to avoid the appearance of evil, I found the allegation of homosexual sin to be false. I do not believe that you engaged in any sexual activity and I commend you for your firm boundaries. I cannot, however, condone your actions in kissing someone of the same gender.”

  Nephi smiled. Good news so far.

  President Miller continued, “As for the second allegation, that of apostasy, I have found you guilty on those grounds due to your support of same sex marriage combined with your declaration that God’s doctrine has changed in the past and your hope that the doctrine regarding same sex marriage will change. Making it worse, you shared those beliefs with others. The Lord will not stand for that. Because you are a holder of the Melchizedek Priesthood and you have been through the temple, you are hereby excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.”

  Nephi’s head dropped. He was heartbroken, feeling as if they had violently ripped away a piece of his soul. Devastated, he continued listening to President Miller’s words.

  “You may appeal my decision to the First Presidency within thirty days if you wish. Details regarding that process are in a letter I will provide you. Excommunication lasts for a minimum of one year and we must reconvene a disciplinary council to agree on your reinstatement before you can be re-baptized. Being excommunicated means that you are no longer a member of the church. I revoke all of your temple blessings, your priesthood, and the terms of your baptismal covenant. You may not take the sacrament, you may not pay tithing, and you may not pray publicly in the church or speak in any church meeting. You may continue to attend church meetings and I hope that you will, but you must remain silent in those meetings. You may not have a church calling or participate in any other manner besides listening. Do you have any questions?”