Nephi's Courage

by Rory McFarlan

  After the gift exchange, Nephi excused himself from the party early and went home to sleep. He hadn’t slept well in over a week and he needed to catch up. He slept for ten hours, waking up just in time to throw on some clothes and get to work. For the first time he could remember, we went to work without making sure his hair was perfectly in place. He felt on edge, frazzled, out of sorts.

  Cutting it close on time, he parked near the entrance rather than taking his usual spot at the back of the parking lot. Once in the office, he got straight to work pulling reports and planning out his day. With reports in hand, he made his way to Monica’s office for shift hand off. Mark walked into the office, interrupting the shift change.

  “Nephi, please come to my office. I need to speak with you.”

  “No problem, I’ll be there as soon as I finish shift hand off with Monica.”

  “No, I need you to come now,” Mark insisted.

  “Okay, don’t get all worked up, I’m coming now.”

  Nephi followed Mark into his office and took a seat.

  “What’s up, Mark?”

  “What is up, is that we are letting you go. Your employment at Brower is terminated effective immediately.”

  “What? Why? My numbers are better than ever and turnover on my team is lower than any other team in the call center. What are the grounds for termination?”

  “Utah is an at-will employment state and I don’t need to give you grounds at all. We can terminate you at any time for any reason.”

  “You can’t fire anyone in a protected class. It is illegal in Utah for you to discriminate based on sexual orientation.”

  “Who said anything about discrimination? I am terminating your employment for cause.”

  “What cause?”

  “I have been documenting your violations for months. You have taken a long lunch four times in the past three months and you held a joint verbal warning meeting with Brock and Angela when you should have met with them separately. That is enough grounds for termination.”

  “Come on, Mark, that’s nothing. You do more than that every day. What is this really about? Is this because I’m gay or because I was excommunicated? Am I being fired because of some twisted religious conviction of yours?”

  “How dare you assume that has anything to do with it? Of course it has nothing to do with any of that. You are terminated based solely on the documented violations. I have arranged for corporate security to escort you out of the building.”

  Mark opened the door where a security guard was waiting. The events of the last few days all ran through Nephi’s head. The excommunication, the fight with Alex, his father’s refusal to sit with him at church, and Jacob’s challenge to his church attendance. Now this, being fired for some vague unjust reason. In a fog, he started walking along with the security guard toward the lobby.

  Their progress was halted by Mark, who called down the hall after them.

  “Nephi, wait a minute, I have one more thing.”

  Nephi turned around to face Mark.

  “Ok, what is it?”

  “You have to learn that the Lord will only bless you when you choose his side. When you kick against the pricks, the road is hard. There is a link between spiritual and temporal blessings. Things will get better if you repent.”

  Mark’s words were the last straw. Something in Nephi snapped. “I’ll show you the meaning of kick against the pricks,” he yelled as he charged down the hall toward Mark as he yelled, “Only one of us will get out of here today.”

  Out of control, he neared Mark who turned and ran the other way. Nephi was faster than him and was about a foot from catching him when he was tackled from behind by the security guard and dragged into the security office.

  Security called the police and detained Nephi in the office. By the time a police officer arrived, Nephi had gathered himself. The officer interviewed Mark and the security guard and then met alone with Nephi.

  The officer was a handsome African American man who stood about six foot three and must have weighed 250 pounds, not an ounce of it fat. He was built of solid muscle with large arms and a broad chest. He spoke to Nephi in a gentle voice.

  “Son, I’m officer Williams. What’s your name?”

  “Nephi Willard, sir.”

  “Do you want to tell me what happened here this morning?”

  Nephi provided the officer with the background story including Bradley, the disciplinary council, and the excommunication. He described every detail of his interaction with Mark that morning up until the time the security guard detained him.

  “Thank you,” said the officer. “I have already met with your boss and with security. Your boss gave me a story that doesn’t exactly match yours but lucky for you, the security guard’s version of events matches yours perfectly. It seems to me that you are dealing with a Grade-A jerk there, a bully. But that doesn’t make what you did right.”

  “I know, officer, and I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. I just kind of snapped. I promise I’ve never done anything like that before.”

  “Well, that’s what I figured. You don’t seem like the type to do something like that. I am concerned about you. Losing a good friend is tough and to follow it up with everything else that you’ve been through is enough to drive anyone to their limit. Have you had any suicidal thoughts lately?”

  “I mean, I don’t know, I’ve always been a happy person and don’t think like that but I guess lately, I have been asking myself where I fit in. I am Mormon and I am gay but I don’t seem to fit into the Mormon world. They don’t want me. And well, the gay world isn’t a good fit either. Nobody in that world seems to understand me. They mock my morality standards and my insistence on attending the church I love. There just doesn’t seem to be a place for me. I don’t know about suicidal thoughts, but I have wondered an awful lot lately if there is a place in this world for me.”

  “Son, I’m very sorry about that. I don’t know you from Adam but based on my limited interaction with you, I can tell you that the world needs more people like you. There’s a place for you here, of that I have no doubt. You just have to find it.”

  “Thanks, officer. So what happens from here?”

  “Your boss wants to press charges, but I honestly don’t see any grounds for it. Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t catch up to him in the hall. However, I am going to place you on a 72 hour hold.”

  “What does that mean?” asked Nephi.

  “Well, son, based on our conversation, I believe you can benefit from professional psychiatric care. I will commit you to the inpatient psychiatric unit at the hospital. They can keep you there involuntarily for up to 72 hours. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it is in your best interest.”

  “But tomorrow is Christmas Eve and this will be my first Christmas with a boyfriend. Can’t it wait until after Christmas?”

  “I’m afraid not. You need to go now. I will call an ambulance to transport you there but I will follow and make sure you get checked in okay. Am I going to have a problem getting you there?”

  “No, sir, I won’t give you any trouble.”

  “Ok, I appreciate that. I must take your phone but is there anyone you would like me to call to let them know where you are?”

  “Yes, will you please call my mom and my boyfriend, Alex?”

  “Sure thing. Just write their numbers on this pad.

  Nephi wrote the numbers and handed them to the officer. “Please ask my mother to call my friend Stacy,” he requested.

  “No problem, son. The ambulance should be here any minute.”

  When the ambulance arrived, Nephi followed the officer outside and sat in the ambulance. The paramedics checked his vitals and transported him to Greater Provo hospital where they had an open bed in the psychiatric unit.

  Chapter 23

  The hospital environment seemed foreign to Nephi. Not just the psychiatric unit, but the hospital in general. He had always been healthy and this would be his
first stay at a hospital. He was afraid, not knowing what to expect.

  A nurse brought Nephi to an exam room. “Hi, my name is Craig,” he said. “I will check you in and take your vitals. Change into these scrubs and I’ll be right back.”

  Craig’s build was stocky and muscular. He could pass as a football player or a security guard better than he could a nurse. He had curly brown hair and a goatee on his chin but no mustache under his nose. His eyes were a striking color of light blue. He was kind and confident. His manner set Nephi at ease. Upon returning to the room, he first took Nephi’s blood pressure and heart rate and then checked his temperature. With good vitals recorded, he proceeded with the questions.

  “In the past two weeks, how often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless?” he asked. “Not at all, several days, more than half the days, or nearly every day?”

  “Two weeks ago, a good friend of mine passed away. Since that time, my church excommunicated me and my boss fired me, so I definitely have to say nearly every day.”

  “Have you had any thoughts of suicide? Please choose from “never”, “some thoughts of death”, “some thoughts of suicide”, or “some attempt at suicide.”

  “I would have to say some thoughts about death,” replied Nephi.

  “Thank you. How is your energy level?”

  “Lately, my energy has been lower than normal. I have struggled with a lot of things since Bradley died.”

  “And how is your sleep?”

  “I have hardly slept in the past two weeks although I got a good ten hours last night.”

  “Have you had trouble finding joy in things that you typically enjoy doing?”

  “Come to think of it, yes. I have had trouble enjoying a lot of things.”

  Craig’s questions continued along the same line as he made detailed notes. Once all the questions were answered, Craig said, “Thank you. That’s all I need for now. Dr. Montez will be with you shortly.”

  A woman with gray hair that extended about four inches below her shoulders soon entered the room. She wore a white coat and carried a clip board. With head tilted downward, her brown eyes studied Nephi over the top of the silver frames of her glasses. She looked down at the clipboard and then up again before speaking.

  “Hello, Nephi, I’m Dr. Montez. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m doing okay. I would be better if I wasn’t in here.”

  “I understand why you might feel that way. I am confident that you are where you need to be right now. I think we can make you feel better. It looks like you have had a lot going on lately.”

  “I guess I have,” said Nephi.

  “So many negative life events in such a short amount of time is enough to shake anyone. The way you are feeling is normal, given the circumstances.”

  “How long do you think I will be here?”

  “Let’s take it a day at a time and go from there. Based on the answers you gave Craig, I am diagnosing you with Major Depressive Disorder. I know it sounds scary, but it is treatable. Nearly ten percent of adults experience similar depression at some point in their life. I will start you on 20mg of Fluoxetine. It is an anti-depressant drug that should help you feel better.”

  “I’m not sure I want to do that. I have never really had to take medication and I don’t know what to think about anti-depressants.”

  “I know there is a stigma when it comes to mental health and the medication associated with it, especially in this community, but there doesn’t need to be. Just like a physical ailment like an upset stomach or a broken arm, mental ailments require treatment and there is nothing wrong with that. It is better than continuing to suffer.”

  “I guess that makes sense.”

  “Good. Here is your Fluoxetine and some water. Take it now and we’ll talk about next steps.”

  Nephi placed the pill on the center of his tongue and washed it down with a swig of water.

  “Very good,” said Dr. Montez. “You will need to take one of those each morning. Next, we will get you settled in your room. This is not a hotel and you will need to keep your room clean and tidy. For now, we are putting you on HRSA, which means that we consider you at high risk of self-abuse. There are a few restrictions that come along with that designation. If you have family or friends that bring you clothing, it can’t have any drawstrings and you can’t have shoes with laces. No lighters, cigarettes, or controlled substances are permitted and you cannot have a cell phone or any other electronics with you. You also may not have keys, belts, cords, jewelry, or anything made of glass. Do you have any questions?”

  “What will I be doing for the next three days?”

  “You will have both independent and group therapy sessions. You are responsible for taking care of your room, you’ll have the opportunity for recreation including games, puzzles and short walks. You will learn skills to help you better cope with the challenges of life when you go home. Let’s get you settled and a nurse will then review the full schedule with you. Sound good?”

  Nephi nodded. Dr. Montez left and Craig returned to escort Nephi to his room. The room was small and plain. There was a bed with dresser drawers build in to the bottom, a small desk, and a chair. The padded white walls had no mirrors and there was no way to open the plexiglass window that overlooked a courtyard. Nephi noticed that the doors were lockable from the outside. It felt more like a prison than a hospital but he made the best of it and approached it with a good attitude.

  “Welcome home,” said Craig. “This place is all yours for the next few days, at least.”

  Nephi didn’t like the sound of that. He would prefer to sleep in his own bed. He hoped that if he did everything they expected, he would be home soon.

  Craig continued, “Each day, you will wake up and shower before 8:30. You will go to the dining area for breakfast from 8:30 until 9:00. No outside food is permitted. From 9:00 until 9:30, you will attend a group meeting for goals and then you will return to your room for cleaning and quiet time. At 10:00, you have individual therapy with Dr. Montez. At 11:00, you have recreation time. That is followed by lunch at 12:00 and then a life skills class at 1:00. You will then have therapeutic games at 2:00 and group therapy at 3:00. You then get a walking break until 4:00 and one-on-one counseling with Dr. Wilmington at 4:30. Dinner will be at 5:30. You can have visitors from 7:00 until 9:00, but may have only two visitors at a time. Lights out at 9:30 and do it all again the next day. I will leave a copy of the schedule with you. Do you have questions for me at this point?”

  “I have no idea what time it is,” replied Nephi. “What do I have next today?”

  “Sorry, man, I should have led with that. It’s almost noon. I’ll let you get settled for about ten minutes and then I’ll bring lunch into your room, but just for today. You will take the rest of your meals in the dining area with the other patients. You’ll meet them in group today at 3:00. Any other questions?”

  “Not for now.”

  “Alright then, I’ll be back with your lunch in ten.”

  Craig left, locking the door behind him. Nephi sat on the bed and looked down at his hospital issued clothes. He didn’t like what he saw. At least it would only be for a few days, then he could wear his own clothes again.

  Craig returned with lunch. Dry chicken, green beans, macaroni, and jello. Nephi didn’t have much of an appetite but choked down a bit of chicken and green beans. Tired, he laid down on the bed and closed his eyes. The next thing he knew, Craig was waking him to escort him to life skills class. He entered the room and looked around to discover that it seemed much like a high school classroom. The instructor was seated in the front of the room and the other patients formed a semi-circle around him.

  Craig introduced Nephi to the class, and the instructor invited him to take a seat.

  “Welcome, Nephi. My name is Jonah. Let’s go around the room and let everyone introduce themselves.”

  There were five other patients who told Nephi their names one at a time. First there was Sampson
, a heavy set man who appeared to be in his mid-forties. Next was Gemma, a blonde girl in her early twenties with a look of despair in her eyes. She was followed by Lilliana, a fidgety woman who seemed about Nephi’s age. The remaining patients were Jack and Ron, a thirty something man with a timid voice, and a man who must have been in his sixties that reminded Nephi of his father.

  “Okay, everyone, who can tell Nephi the essential life skills we are learning here?” asked Jonah.

  “Self-care and cooking,” said Lilliana.

  “Very good. We must learn to take care of ourselves by keeping our bodies clean and exercising and we must be able to plan and cook healthy meals. What are some other skills you are learning?”

  “Setting goals,” added Jack.

  “Good, Jack. We not only set goals, but plan to achieve them, don’t we? Nephi, as you’ll learn, the other skills are maintaining a clean living space, managing your money, building healthy relationships with others, managing your time responsibly, and finding and keeping a job. Today we are talking about relationships.”

  In Nephi’s view, he wasn’t in dire need of instruction in any of those areas, but he gave Jonah his full attention anyway. Worst case, he would learn something useful. Nephi enjoyed observing the interactions between the other patients and Jonah. If nothing else, the people watching in this place was great.

  Life skills was followed by therapeutic games where Nephi worked on a puzzle while others played a board game. The staff encouraged him to join the others but didn’t push when he insisted on the puzzle. They were impressed that he completed a 500 piece puzzle in less than an hour.

  Game time was immediately followed by a group therapy session. Nephi had heard about group therapy in movies and books but it wasn’t what he expected. A therapist facilitated the discussion which was attended by the same patients from the life skills class. He learned more about each of them in the session. They were each on HRSA like him. Gemma had been sexually abused by a church leader as a child and her mind had blocked it out. Recently, she remembered everything. Overwhelmed, she attempted suicide and they committed her to the psych unit.