Nephi's Courage

by Rory McFarlan

  Sampson was addicted to drugs and overdosed. The paramedics saved his life, and he was sent to the hospital. Lilliana’s husband physically and verbally abused her for years. Her speech was now impaired and her uncontrollable fidgeting manifested. She was having suicidal thoughts. Ron’s wife of forty years recently passed away from cancer and Jack was just diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder and had recently experienced his first manic episode. Nephi shared about Bradley, the excommunication, and the events at work earlier that morning. It felt good to have people listen without judgement.

  After group, Nephi had a break and was glad to be able to walk. It was too cold to go outside but there was a small recreation room with a climbing wall and a small walking track with colorful shapes painted on the wall. He felt like taking a nice long run on the treadmill but a leisurely stroll around the track would have to do.

  Nephi felt better after his walk and had some time to rest in his room for a while before Craig led him to his therapy appointment. A fit young man with short black hair and stubble on his face greeted him.

  “Hello, Nephi, I’m Dr. Wilmington. It’s a pleasure to meet you. We’ll be working together during your stay here.”

  Dr. Wilmington was nice enough, but he seemed way too young to be a doctor.

  “How are you feeling?” asked Dr. Wilmington.

  “Well enough, I guess, considering everything.”

  “I have a few basic questions for you before we talk more about you. Since you met with Dr. Montez this morning, have you experienced any blurred vision or other changes to your eyesight?”

  “No,” replied Nephi.

  “Are you having any headaches or dizziness?”

  “No, I feel fine.”

  “What about hallucinations?”

  “No, none.”

  “Have you felt light headed, like you might pass out?”

  “No.”

  “Excellent. And how is your mood?”

  “Surprisingly good.”

  “Thank you.”

  Dr. Wilmington then asked Nephi all the same questions that Craig had asked him in the morning. He was annoyed at answering the same set of questions, but answered them just the same. Dr. Wilmington then asked Nephi about his upbringing and then about Bradley and the church and his job. The topics were painful for Nephi to discuss but he somehow felt better after talking about it. They then talked about Alex, a topic that Nephi didn’t mind discussing at all. Before he knew it, their time was up. He couldn’t believe an hour had gone by.

  Dinner came next. This time, Nephi ate in the dining area. He sat with his new friends from group and enjoyed the conversation while he picked at the hospital meatloaf and vegetables. Nephi knew that visiting hours came after dinner. Without his phone, he had no idea if Officer Williams was able to get in touch with anyone. He didn’t know what to expect.

  While sitting in his room, thinking about the day, a knock came to the door and then it opened. In walked a nurse with big brown eyes and hair pulled back in a ponytail.

  “Hi, my name is Tess,” she said. “I’ll be your nurse this evening. You have some visitors. I will escort them in, two at a time.”

  Nephi was glad to hear that someone had come to visit him. He only came to the hospital this morning, but it seemed like much longer. He felt like he was living in a different world, and looked forward to a connection from the old one.

  Darla and Stacy came through the door. They both hugged Nephi and then his mother sat next to him on the bed while Stacy sat in the chair. He told them of the encounter with Mark that landed him in the psych ward and of his experiences in the hospital.

  “I brought some of your old clothes from the house,” said Darla. “They said you might want them. I also got you some new slip-on shoes and slippers. Hopefully you can use them.”

  He gladly took them from her. “Thanks so much, Mom. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. These hospital clothes are just hideous.”

  “I’m sorry that Dad wasn’t able to make it tonight. He wanted to be here but the union Christmas party is going on and he is in charge of it this year so he couldn’t skip out. He’ll be here tomorrow.”

  “I understand. I’ll only be here for a few days, anyway.”

  “What can I do to make this better for you?” asked Stacy. “I feel just awful that you are stuck here for Christmas.”

  “There’s nothing you can do except be here. I’m so happy to see you. I have a Christmas present for you at my apartment but I suppose you’ll have to wait until after Christmas to get it.”

  “Oh, Nephi, I’m not worried about that. I just want you to be well.”

  He spoke to them for the better part of an hour. It did his heart good to see them and to hug them. Of everyone in his village, they were two of the most important. They left him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

  Soon after they left, Nephi heard another knock at the door and then it cracked open.

  “Knock, knock,” said the voice on the other side as the door swung open and he entered the room.

  “Alex!” exclaimed Nephi. “What are you doing here? You have work tonight.”

  Alex ran to Nephi and embraced him, squeezing him tightly like an orange being juiced. Alex then stepped back and looked Nephi up and down, studying him.

  “You look good,” he said, sounding almost surprised. “I traded my shift tonight for lunch shift on Christmas day. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find a replacement for my shift tomorrow but I’ll be here Christmas night. Here, I brought you something.”

  Alex extended his arms toward Nephi revealing an article of clothing. Nephi took it and looked closer.

  “Your favorite Amsterdam hoodie… I can’t take this.”

  “Nonsense, I know how much you like it. I’m sorry, but I had to remove the drawstrings from the hood.”

  “Thanks so much for coming. I’m so happy to see you. Do you think you can still love me after they threw me in the looney bin?”

  “Oh, honey, this is nothing,” replied Alex.

  “Nothing? They have me on crazy pills. I have to take Fluoxetine every day.”

  “Big deal, I’ve been on Paroxetine for almost ten years. It’s not that abnormal. You’d be surprised how many people take antidepressants. I don’t even know who I would be without them anymore and I hope I never find out.”

  “I never knew that.”

  “That’s because I never told you. After all, you just said things like “looney bin” and “crazy pills”. Talk like that perpetuates the stigma around mental illness. That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I was trying to be funny."

  “Kind of like when I tried to be funny about your ten percent raise?”

  “Ha! I guess I get your point. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t use those words.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with being here. It is just a tool to help you manage everything you are dealing with right now. Your mind is sick and needs treatment. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “Thanks for the reassuring words. I am understanding that now,” said Nephi.

  “I was in the psychiatric unit at the behavioral hospital in Salt Lake for two months after my episode,” confessed Alex.

  “You had an episode? What happened?”

  “You know I have been hesitant to talk about my family. That’s because it is painful to talk about. Hell, I don’t even think about it anymore.”

  The swearing bothered Nephi, but he figured it best to ignore it this time. He just listened as Alex continued.

  “As I told you, I grew up on a farm in Jensen. My father is a white farmer from Utah who met my mother when he was serving a LDS mission in Mexico. After his mission, he brought her to Utah and married her. When I was little, he beat her regularly while I watched helplessly, not knowing what to do. My father always hated me. I was too feminine for him. He hated the way I looked, the way I dressed, and the way I talked. I loved to cook wit
h my mom in the kitchen but he forbid it, allowing me only to do “manly” work on the farm.”

  “So you were raised in the LDS church?”

  “Yes, we went every week. We had family prayer every day and read from the Book of Mormon together and attended weekly meetings. I heard the teachings at church, but they didn’t match what I saw in my father’s behavior at home. My father reminded me of Corianton in the Book of Mormon. He was the son of the prophet, Alma. He abandoned his mission and spent all of his time hooking up with the harlot, Isabel. When the people saw his behavior, they wouldn’t believe the words of his father, Alma. My dad was like that. When I saw his example, I couldn’t believe any of the things being taught at church. He preached goodness, but didn’t live it.”

  “I never would have guessed,” said Nephi. “You even know the Book of Mormon.”

  “Don’t get too excited. If I’m honest, I relate more with the harlot, Isabel, than any of the rest of it.”

  Nephi laughed. It felt good to laugh. It felt even better to be with Alex.

  “So what happened with your parents?”

  “Long story short, I came out to them when I was seventeen. My dad was furious. He flipped out and went ballistic on me. He pinned me in a corner and beat the shit out of me and I mean that literally. I thought I was going to die and I probably would have if it wasn’t for my mother. She called the police and then hit him with a frying pan. He turned his anger on her and started beating her. The police arrived in time to save us both and I spent two weeks in the hospital recovering.”

  Nephi listened in horror as Alex continued the story. “When I was finally well enough to speak, I told the county Sheriff what happened and told him that I wanted to press charges. That Sheriff looked at me straight-faced, and told me that if I was his son, he would have kicked the shit out of me, too. He said that he would not help me press charges. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I couldn’t go back home if I wanted to survive. I talked an acquaintance from school into driving me to Salt Lake where I started living on the streets. I was arrested for theft and they committed me to the psychiatric unit at the hospital. Involuntary three day hold, same as you. Well, I ended up staying there for three months. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned how to manage my own life. After that, I ended up in state custody for a few months until I aged out.”

  “Alex, why didn’t you tell me any of this? I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It made me who I am. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think I could get through it, but maybe I’m stronger than I thought. From there, I ended up working low level jobs in restaurants for minimum wage and working my way up. Eventually, I put myself through culinary school and now here I am, still working in restaurants and still on Paroxetine, but more or less a stable, responsible adult. And I’m still not fond of the church. Your recent experience did nothing to change that. You are about the only decent Mormon I have ever known, and they kicked you out.”

  “What happened to your mother?”

  “I honestly don’t know. I’ve never been back and I never plan to go back. I hope she got out, but she showed no sign of desire to leave him. If I had to guess based on the way things were going, I have to assume she is dead. I guess everyone in that town is dead to me.”

  Nephi wrapped his arms around Alex and held him, Alex’s head against his chest, running his fingers through Alex’s hair.

  “Look at us,” said Alex, tears in his eyes. “You’re the one in the hospital and yet here you are, consoling me.”

  They laid on the bed and just held each other until visiting hours were up. With visiting hours drawing to a close, they shared a tender kiss and wished each other a good night. Alex left and Tess returned to check on Nephi. She repeated the same set of questions that Craig and Dr. Wilmington asked earlier in the day and then she left, locking the door from the outside. Nephi found sleep quickly and slept soundly through the night.

  The coming days became routine for Nephi. He had some very good moments and also some terrible ones. The other patients in group became his friends, especially Gemma. She was so sweet and kind despite the terror she experienced in her life. Nephi felt a connection to her. Through hearing their stories and the secrets of Alex’s past, Nephi came to realize that he had lived a sheltered life. All of the bad he experienced paled in comparison to the things that others had gone through. He didn’t understand how they could stay so strong.

  In this world, there is a great shortage of empathy. We get so caught up in our own lives and our struggles that we can’t see past them. All around us people are suffering, crying for help, but we don’t notice their great problems because we are staring at the small ones in front of our face.

  If we can see past our problems and put ourselves in the place of another, we just might come to a new level of understanding, and be the means of lightening the load of another. As Nephi reflected, he realized that is what the Savior did. He put Himself in the place of each of us, in a way that only He could. Because of that, He truly understands us and is in a unique position to lighten our burden.

  Christmas was Nephi’s third day in the hospital. He met with Dr. Montez expecting to be released that night.

  “I am very pleased with your progress, Nephi. Your survey results are improving and you are making positive steps. I believe you could benefit from a few more days. I recommend that you remain here until Saturday.”

  “Another three days? But why? I feel ready.”

  “In my experience, three days is not enough. You are new to the medication and I would like to observe you for a few more days so I am more confident you will be okay. I know it’s not what you want to hear, especially on Christmas, but I really think it’s for the best. I can’t keep you here if you really want to leave but I strongly recommend that you stay.”

  “Just three more days?” he asked.

  “Three days.”

  Nephi thought about it. He wanted to go home badly. He reflected on his time in the hospital and how much he had learned and grown. Three more days really wasn’t that long, and at least he would get to see Gemma every day.

  “Okay, I’ll stay,” he said.

  “Very good. I think you have made a responsible choice.”

  During his visit with Alex that night, Nephi expressed regret that their first Christmas was spent in the hospital.

  “As long as you are getting the help you need, it’s a good day for me,” said Alex.

  “I got you a Christmas Present. When I get out of here, I’ll give it to you.”

  “Don’t worry. We’ll celebrate when you’re home. I got you a present too but they wouldn’t let me bring it in. They were afraid you would figure out some way to hurt yourself with it, I guess.”

  “I’ve been thinking a lot in here. I guess I haven’t had much else to do,” observed Nephi. “You know how you keep asking me why I insist on going to church even after being excommunicated?”

  “Yes, I have wondered that.”

  “Well, you’re not the only one who has asked me. People inside and outside of the church ask me that all the time. It’s quite tiring, actually. Anyway, I have thought about it a lot while I have been in here. Like I told you, I want to be there and it is about my own growth and my relationship with God. But after further reflection, I realized it is more than that.”

  “How so?”

  “There are others like me. Others who are gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, aro, ace, or otherwise queer. All of us feel like misfits and outcasts in the church. We don’t know where, or if we belong. It feels like there is no place for us. We are stuck between two worlds, a Mormon world that we love, and a queer world inherent to our nature… to the way God created us. I need to go to church not only for me, but for the others. If someone else like me or Bradley comes to church, I want them to feel welcome. I want them to have someone to sit with so they know they belong. They can sit with me.”

  “Honey, you have been doing a lo
t of thinking, and everything you just said makes all the sense in the world to me. I’m sorry I have pestered you so much. I get it and won’t ask again. The more I get to know you, the more I love you.”

  “I feel the same way about you,” replied Nephi.

  The couple held each other, not wanting to be apart. Since it was Christmas, Tess had compassion for Nephi and let Alex stay an extra thirty minutes before she made him leave.

  Each day in the hospital, the highlight for Nephi was the interaction with family and friends. Alex visited every day that he could and called on the days that he couldn’t get out of work. Stacy, Darla, Mike, Ammon, and Tiffany also paid him visits. By Saturday, he felt stronger, and better equipped with tools to handle the stress dealt by life. Come Saturday, he was glad that he took Dr. Montez’s recommendation to stay the extra time. He felt healthier than he had in a long time, and he had a better understanding of himself.

  Nephi thanked all the doctors and nurses on his way out. He was grateful to have his belongings back, especially his phone. It would allow him to talk to loved ones whenever he wanted. That was something he would no longer take for granted.

  Alex found someone to cover his Saturday shift and met Nephi at the hospital to take him home. Nephi’s mental state was much improved. He would continue to take Fluoxetine each day and meet with a counselor twice per month, but he was free to go home.

  Chapter 24

  Upon leaving the hospital, their first stop was the Brower parking lot to retrieve Nephi’s truck. Alex then followed Nephi to his apartment. Nephi unlocked the door and walked in to discover that his apartment had been decorated for Christmas. Colorful lights hung on every wall and a tree covered in white lights and tied with golden bows stood in the corner of the living room with wrapped gifts below. A stuffed stocking hung from a hook on the wall. He hadn’t experienced such Christmas magic since he was a young boy.

  “Merry Christmas!” shouted Alex.