Mother Be The Judge

by O'Brien, Sally

  Jocasta knew it was time for her to cut the cords with Adrian, to accept he had become a man, to be proud of what she had achieved as a mother and to allow herself to move on and at last have a life to remember. As she was still on benefits, Jocasta knew it wasn't so simple as to pack her bags and make for somewhere hot. She needed to get back into employment and needed to get trained on computers. There was no way she could apply for a job if she didn't know how to put words in Windows or put a boot up wherever it was they put it. Jocasta got dressed and resolved to visit the job centre where she could be put onto training courses to get what she needed, to go back out into the world of the living.

  -x-

  16th May 2012

  12:00 hours

  Having spent the last month on a Windows 8, PowerPoint and Excel training programme at the Adult Learning Centre, Jocasta was beginning to feel like a human being again; no longer just a mother but an adult who was capable of work, holding down their own and contributing towards society. It gave her a great self-respect and she was proud of what she had achieved. Jocasta had passed the course with flying colours; the computer which had filled her with apprehension when she first sat in front of it was actually the friendliest thing she'd met in her whole life. There were no special codes or convoluted equations as she had imagined; the computer spoke English, everything was clear with 'help' just a click of a button away. She had flown through the tasks set for her by the tutor and had begun a very loving relationship with the hard drive of the Hewlett Packard allocated to her. Jocasta could not believe she had spent so much of her life in solitude when a computer had been in Adrian's room for the last eight years. She lamented the stuff she had missed because she hadn't taken the World Wide Highway many moons ago.

  Jocasta was beginning to understand what it meant to be an adult again; it wasn't just about being a mother. Life didn't have to stop just because someone else was dependent on you. People can and did enjoy the best of both worlds. Feeling ready to step out into mankind and hopeful she may actually make some friends, Jocasta began to hunt for a job. As she had previously worked in a doctor's surgery, that's where Jocasta started looking. Several C.V.s and hundreds of job applications later and Jocasta now found herself waiting for an interview just around the corner from where she lived.

  -x-

  Jocasta had taken her time getting ready for the interview; having had nothing to get dressed up for in the past twenty years, her wardrobe was limited to black leggings and baggy tops, all bought in Big Value and none which could pass for smart. Jocasta didn't think a t-shirt proclaiming, 'Elvis is King', was very appropriate either so decided she had to visit the local store and spend some of her emergency money. She visited Primani which was within her budget and found a plus size range which she could squeeze her now hefty bulk into. Loneliness had many downsides and eating for comfort was probably the worst. No food item lasted long in Jocasta's kitchen and her body was paying the price. Thankfully Primani sympathised with the larger woman and Jocasta was able to buy a pair of black trousers and three smart tops for less than twenty pounds. Jocasta gave a silent thank you for Chinese sweatshops as she had paid for her items at the till.

  -x-

  The Human Resources Manager approached Jocasta with a smile, holding out her hand in anticipation of a handshake.

  "Jocasta Brown?" She asked.

  "Yes, Hi," said Jocasta, shaking the outstretched hand. She felt sick with nerves; this was an experience she hadn't had since she had first applied for a similar position more than thirty years ago. She was determined to start a new phase in her life, however, so she smiled back, took a deep breath and followed the manager into an office for the interview which would determine her future as not just Adrian's mother, but an independent woman.

  The interview went on for about half an hour and Jocasta felt she had answered all the questions well. She remembered a lot of what went on in her previous job; well, it had consumed her life at the time. It seemed the only thing that had changed since her time was that the appointments were made on the computer. Everything else remained the same, they still held paper records for the patients and were still expected to keep the patients away from the doctors unless absolutely necessary. Unbelievably Jocasta was offered the job on the spot. The manager had told her that it was nice to interview someone so keen and who had an obvious passion for the work. She was asked to return the following Monday for staff training and to pick up her new I.D card.

  -x-

  Jocasta waddled home as fast as her chubby legs could carry her, she couldn't wait to cook a lovely dinner and surprise Adrian with her news. Jocasta knew how much she had relied on Adrian in the past years and could understand he found her somewhat of a burden. She was happy to now be able to offer Adrian his freedom from her and hoped it may bring them closer. She thought if they both lived their lives as equals now - both working adults - then they could exchange stories about their working day. Conversations would be enjoyable and she could contribute more to them, rather than giving a blow by blow account of how she had cleaned and scrubbed the flat or how she had put a new duvet cover on in under two minutes. Jocasta arrived at the flat and called out Adrian's name; it was nearly 4pm and he would usually be home although he had been spending longer and longer at the library these days.

  Wanting to show Adrian her now proficient skills on the computer and feeling uber confident in herself, Jocasta decided to take an unusual step and go into Adrian's bedroom. She would surprise him by giving it a thorough clean as she was certain he would not have ever pulled out the bed and cleared the build of up of dust and cobwebs which would be under there, along with errant socks and mouldy half eaten sandwiches. Then she intended to go onto Adrian's computer and produce a banner heralding her new work appointment.

  She dragged the hoover into the room and retrieved her polish and duster from under the sink, then set about cleaning. Jocasta knew Adrian may be a bit put out that she had broken his rule of no entry, but intended to do such a good job he would forgive her indiscretion.

  Jocasta started with picking up the dirty clothes from the floor, then moved onto cleaning small bits of rubbish; receipts, crisp packets etc. taking them out of the room in a black bag. She polished the window sill and the tops of Adrian's chest of drawers then set about changing his grey bed sheets, made all the greyer because she knew he hadn't changed them for over a month despite her relentless pleading for him to put the sheets in the wash. Jocasta pulled out the single bed and found a Scooby Doo figure jammed into the space between the headboard and the mattress; she remembered fondly Adrian's face when he had opened that particular present. Jocasta moved the bed further but it stuck in the confines of the room. She realised the only way to get the bed completely out of the way was to remove the mattress and split the bottom of the Divan where its base was held together by a brass fitting. She heaved the heavy mattress off the bed and pushed it out into the hallway then turned back to look at the bed's base, ready to tackle the fitting.

  What Jocasta saw lying on the rectangle of wood and cloth, made her stop in her tracks. A pair of pink knickers lay on top of a magazine. Jocasta heard a rush of blood in her ears and her subconscious screamed at her to turn and walk away, but she couldn't. She reached for the knickers, putting her two hands in the waistband and pulling them open so she could gauge the size of them. It was clear and the label confirmed to her that they belonged to a child of ten to eleven years. Looking down once again, Jocasta now reached for the shiny pages of the magazine which proclaimed, 'Barely Legal' on the front cover. Opening the front page, Jocasta's eyes were assaulted by pictures of what could only be described as girls, or at least women pretending to be girls, dressed in school uniforms and flashing their hairless vaginas for all of the world to see.

  Flashbacks from Savannah West hit Jocasta's brain like a turbulent storm sending not only images of Adrian's wet legged entrance into their flat but the images now gave aggressive and explicit suggestions as to h
ow Adrian may be responsible for Savannah's death.

  Jocasta stood and replaced the knickers and magazine, then covered it with the mattress. Working on autopilot now, she put on the new sheets, hoovered the room then left, closing Adrian's door behind her. She went into the kitchen and cooked Adrian's dinner, no longer thinking to make anything special. She put the dinner on the table and then sat in her spot awaiting the arrival of her son. It was time to face the truth.

  -x-

  4pm came and went with no sign of Adrian. Jocasta ate her dinner and then ate Adrian's dinner also as she could think of nothing else to do. She cleared the plates and put the dirty dishes into the sink then slowly washed them. As her hands made their circular movements around the plates, Jocasta considered what she had found. The magazine was one which was readily available on the top shelf of any newsagents; she had seen them stacked there every time she had perused the shelves. Had this been her only find, Jocasta could imagine herself tittering at Adrian's cheekiness and congratulating herself that at least he wasn't gay. The knickers on the other hand, she had trouble excusing. They were definitely meant for a ten year old girl, the label had confirmed that. The knickers could belong to anyone. They may have been found in the street or even stolen by Adrian from Big Value. Jocasta couldn't shake the image of Adrian's wet legs from her mind; this seemed to be the one factor which tied the whole thing together. It was so hard for Jocasta to allow these seeds of suspicion into her mind. There were big barriers surrounding that part of her brain; keeping good thoughts in and bad thoughts out, but these circumstances had been like a sledgehammer smashing the barriers down.

  Now Jocasta considered Savannah, the little girl she had never brought to mind before; preferring instead to concentrate on Adrian's plight. Savannah, the sweet little girl she had seen in the playground; that had been with Lacey when Adrian had sent them a paper plane; yet another memory which Jocasta had buried in her unwillingness to blame Adrian. That poor Savannah, who had been brutally raped and murdered, possibly at the hands of her own son. Fragile Savannah who's life had been taken away from her, never again would she play or sing or talk or laugh a sweet laugh. Jocasta then focused her attention on Savannah's mother. She remembered how it felt when Adrian had been sick in hospital. How desperately upset and useless she felt and how physically the pain of loss had affected her. Jocasta knew Savannah's mother must wake daily lamenting the loss of her daughter, seeing her face in everything which reminded her of Savannah; every TV programme she had loved, every drink she enjoyed, every time she had sat in the now empty chair around the dining table. Savannah's mother had lost her very reason for existing; Jocasta would not have blamed her if she had committed suicide as she couldn't imagine her own life without Adrian in it. She wondered how all of this could possibly have happened. Where did Adrian get his desires from? Jocasta had never even discussed the facts of life with him, preferring to let the school undertake that particular task. How had a sweet, loving, good child become a depraved, vile and evil beast? Nothing had happened in Adrian's life for him to feel the need to rebel; he had every whim catered to, he was never abused, never smacked and never told, 'No'.

  Jocasta could only bring it down to one factor - her. It must be her fault. It was her DNA, her blood running through Adrian's body. She had carried him, given birth to him and nurtured him, the only reason he was physically able to carry out these vile acts was because of the limbs she had created for him. No, she decided, it wasn't Adrian's fault; it was hers. She was the devil, it was the only explanation. Jocasta decided the only thing which saved this whole situation was that nothing had happened since Savannah's death. No further child had gone missing. No one had come knocking on her door accusing Adrian of wrongdoing. It was very possible that Savannah's death had been a mistake, a terrible tragedy never meant to happen. Adrian must have been devastated to know he had committed a cardinal sin, the worst sin any human could commit. Jocasta realised her poor Adrian had had to carry the burden of his guilt for the last four years, never able to share what happened for fear no one could understand. Believing this, was the only way Jocasta could make herself breathe again. The only way her heart could beat and she could retain any love for her son. She had to believe this was all one catastrophic mistake and whilst no other girls were hurt and no mistakes were made, Jocasta resolved to keep Adrian's secret. She didn't want to broach the subject with him, one, because she didn't feel able to soothe the pain he must feel knowing he was party to such a terrible accident and, two, because she was frightened Adrian might tell her a truth she didn't really want to hear. It was going to take her a long time to forgive Adrian this sin, she could feel tendrils of love recoiling away from Adrian and springing back into her heart. It would serve her better to forget this suspicion or her love may gradually turn to hate.

  Reaching for the chocolate, Jocasta chose to lose herself in some gorging of the brown loveliness. As she felt the warm glow of chocolate fill the hole in her soul, Jocasta gave a silent prayer that she was doing the right thing.

  Adrian

  Chapter 19

  'Evil is unspectacular and always human and shares our bed and eats at our own table.'

  W.H. Auden, Herman Melville.

  16th May 2012

  15:30 hours

  Adrian sat in his favourite chair inside the library, waiting for Tiffany to show. He didn't know for definite that she would be there, he had made a concerted effort to keep all contact with her confined to the library. All the shows he had watched on television told him that computers could be checked, CCTV could be found in all corners of the atmos. and people loved to give their two pennies to the Press and then to the police.

  His spot in the library was chosen not only because it was near to the study tables but also because it was out of sight of the surveillance camera. As a library was rarely a conduit for violence, the camera had been placed in the main reception just because it was de rigueur; it served no real purpose and only covered the entrance and exit of library visitors. Adrian didn't know where the CCTV's blind spots were but knew there was no way it covered the area he frequented.

  Adrian wondered if today would be the day that Tiffany gave herself to him. She had visited him in the library every week day since that first conversation. They spoke and laughed with each other, Adrian would listen to Tiffany's daily woes and her agony at the hands of the bullies. He would console and cushion the emotional blows, buoying Tiffany's confidence with compliments; she had even commented that nobody understood her the way he did and he had encouraged this way of thinking. When he had reached over to place his hand on Tiffany's knee she had not recoiled, in fact she had not even registered his touch with anything other than a slight smile. Adrian had then waited a day before professing his affection for Tiffany. He told her that no one came close to her and that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He thought he may have pushed his luck making that extravagant comment; surely Tiffany owned a mirror. Tiffany had rolled her eyes, but accepted the compliment in the spirit it was offered. After a few weeks Adrian realised that he really did love Tiffany. She was so caring and funny, able to smile every day despite the merciless torture at the hands of her bullies. He admired her for her ability to switch from a bullied wretch to a smiling confidante in his presence. Adrian had finally, joyfully, found the girl who would fulfil his fantasy; she would unlock the hidden treasure and allow him to experience the explosive release of passion and desire. She was 'the one', of that he was certain.

  -x-

  16:00 hours

  Tiffany arrived at the library. She was animated as she reached her usual study table, immediately engaging Adrian in conversation; her shyness in the earlier days had vanished now that she had an affinity with him.

  "Hi Adrian," she enthused, "How was Big Value today?"

  "Yeah it was alright." Adrian looked downhearted as he shifted his gaze from tome to Tiffany.

  "Oh, what's wrong?" Tiffany asked, she immediately sense
d that Adrian was not in his usual affable mood.

  "I got sacked from Big Value," lied Adrian, crinkling his chin so the dimples of crying would appear.

  "Oh, how did that happen?" Tiffany made to leave her chair but stopped when Adrian lifted his hand as if to ward off her advances.

  "I just made a silly mistake." He informed her, "All I did was put the broccoli where the cauliflower should be, the manager doesn't like me. She was looking for any excuse to get rid of me."

  Tiffany could relate to that; any bad mark she received from tutors she always put down to the fact that they didn't like her.

  "What are you going to do?" She asked him.

  "I don't know, my mum is going to kill me." Adrian now began to cry in earnest, all pretence of stoicism lost in his dismay. He silently patted himself on the back for doing such a good acting job.

  "Oh Adrian, I just want to cuddle you." Tiffany said, she yearned to leave her chair and put her arms around him.

  "You can't do that in here Tiffany." Adrian told her. "I've told you before, people would think it was weird someone your age cuddling someone my age. You know how horrible people can be, they would never understand."

  "I don't care what people think." Tiffany said. "It's only a cuddle, you could be my brother; how would they know?"

  "The librarian knows my mother." Adrian lied again. "If she saw us cuddling she would think there was something wrong and then you would never be allowed to come to the library again."

  Tiffany couldn't bear the thought of being denied seeing the one person in the world who made her feel good. She desperately wanted to comfort the boy who had been more understanding than her father and more loving than even her mother. She felt so grown up now she was eleven. She was capable of so many things, proficient in most things adult - cooking, cleaning, reading and writing. In Africa and other such countries children of her age lead adult lives and brought up younger siblings, she had seen it on the telly. Tiffany was cross that her age was preventing her from taking full advantage of her new found love. She decided if she could not console Adrian in a public place then she would find somewhere else. Somewhere away from the prying eyes of adults who thought they understood what was going on and who thought that Adrian wanted more from her than just her friendship. Tiffany believed she knew better. Adrian was her one true friend, the person who had lifted her from the depths of despair and who day by day restored in her the flames her bullies had extinguished.