Pretty Boy

by Carlos King

  She hunches her shoulders modestly. “That still doesn’t mean you can’t find true love. It’s just not going to be as easy for you as it always is. You just can’t rely on your looks anymore. You’re gonna have to be normal like the rest of us.”

  “I think I’m far past the point of being normal, Shanti. Besides, I don’t have the strength to keep searching for love. As you can see, I have the body of a geriatric.”

  “Lucky for you, I don’t think you’ll have to search too hard. I got a feeling that if you’re patient, you may just find what you’re looking for.”

  Suddenly, a tall, good looking, muscular Italian male approaches Jovon and Shanti’s table. He begins using his charm on Shanti, paying no mind to the fact she’s having dinner with Jovon.

  “Excuse me, but I’ve been watching you from across the room and I just had to come over here and tell you how beautiful you are.”

  Shanti shows very little interest in the male. “Thank you.”

  “So do you come here often?”

  Shanti grows agitated. “Not really.”

  Shanti turns back to Jovon, who is beginning to look as though he’s being emasculated. Again the Italian male interrupts.

  Kneeling down beside her chair, the Italian male continues, “So what do you say we exchange phone numbers so we can get to know each other a little better?”

  “Can’t you see I’m with someone?” she said, a look of agitation on her angry face.

  The Italian smugly replies, “Who, him?”

  Jovon remains silent, but Shanti’s anger continues to rise.

  “Yes him,” she said, cutting her eyes and rolling her neck. “You got a problem with that?”

  “Actually, I do,” the arrogant Italian stated. “I hate seeing fine woman anchored down to old, ugly, out of shape senior citizens. It’s one of my pet peeves.”

  Jovon lowers his head in embarrassment.

  “Well do you wanna know what my peeves are?” Shanti asked, her anger reaching full peak. “When an asshole, such as yourself, tries to make his presence known in a place that it isn’t desired. And a word of advice, your breath is really way too harsh to be getting all up close and personal.”

  Insulted and stunned, the Italian pulls back. “Oh really?” He glances at Jovon and then back at Shanti. “I think I finally know why it is you’re here with father time. You ain’t nothing but a gold digging hoe.”

  Jovon and Shanti both look at the Italian, shocked by his disrespectful insult.

  Shanti’s mouth hangs open. “What did you call me?”

  “You heard me. That’s the only reason a woman would turn all of this down for him. I mean, shit…Look at me. You’re obviously a money hungry hoe.”

  “Okay,” Jovon exhaled, sliding out from the booth. “I’ve had enough of this shit.”

  Jovon stands up and walks right up to the muscular Italian.

  Smiling, the confident Italian, asks, “What’re you gonna do, pops?”

  Jovon calmly answers, “The first thing I planned on doing was bitch slapping you for disrespecting my friend like that, and then I planned on knocking yo’ ass clean the fuck out.”

  The Italian folds his arms across his broad chest. “Is that so?”

  “Yeah.” Without further hesitation, Jovon violently slaps the Italian, twisting his head to the side. Stunned, the Italian stands motionless for a split-second, trying to comprehend what’s just happened. He then counters with a looping right hook that Jovon ducks under. Jovon counters with several punches of his own, sending the Italian reeling through one of the neighboring tables.

  After a brief moment of silence, all of the unattractive males in the diner begin applauding Jovon for his efforts.

  Talking to himself, Jovon says, “I hate fake pretty boys.” He turns to Shanti. “They give real pretty boys such a bad rep.”

  Shanti sits in awe at what she’s just witnessed. And while she does a great job of concealing it, she definitely turned on.

  “We better get outta here,” Jovon said to her.

  Jovon reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. He leaves a couple twenties on the table and then he and Shanti make a hasty retreat to the nearest exit.

  “Where did that come from?” Shanti asked, as they made their way towards the door.

  Jovon smiles. “Not bad for an aging, young man, huh? It’s one thing that all true pretty boys know. If you’re gonna be a pretty boy, then you better know how to fight.”

  Chapter 18

  A few hours later, Jovon is alone in Shanti’s room, sitting on her bed. The two are preparing to watch movies and Jovon is waiting for her to return from the living room with a selection of DVDs.

  A couple moments pass, but eventually Shanti walks back into the room, carrying a hand full of DVD cases. “Okay, I got some old school classics here that you might not know nothing about.”

  “Yeah, right,” Jovon grinned. “I’m a movie veteran. What you got?”

  “Alright, I got Mask, the one with Cher, not Jim Carrey. I got Pumpkin Head, Thinner, It, Hatchet Face…” Shanti looks up at Jovon and notices that he’s growing more and more depressed with the titles she’s reading off. “Oh,” she paused, realizing what the problem is. “Sorry about that, J.”

  “No problem,” Jovon looked away, his voice cracking.

  “How about The Last Dragon?” Shanti asked, looking to change the subject.

  Rejuvenated, Jovon turns to Shanti and says, “You got The Last Dragon?! I haven’t seen that movie in over twenty years.”

  “Hell yeah! I love this movie,” she said, smiling vibrantly. “Leroy was so damn sexy…” She pauses once more, realizing Jovon is getting depressed all over again. “Sorry again.”

  Jovon quickly says, “Just play the movie.”

  Shanti replies just as quickly. “Alrighty then.”

  An hour and a half later, the credits begin to roll.

  Sitting on the floor with his back to the bed, Jovon claps in approval. “After all these years, this shit is still better than ninety percent of the shit they put out these days.”

  “I know, right?” said Shanti, sitting on top of the bed with her legs interlocked.

  “I want to talk to you about something,” Jovon said, changing the tempo of the conversation.

  Shanti turns off the television. “Sure. What’s up?”

  “You remember when we were in that restaurant earlier tonight and the way those people started clapping after I knocked that bitch out?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, something kind of happened in there that I really didn’t start thinking about until mid-way through the movie. I wanted to talk to you about it, though.”

  “What’s on your mind, J?”

  Jovon gets off the floor and sits next to Shanti. “I want to hold a seminar.”

  Surprised, she can only think to say, “A what?”

  “A seminar.” he repeated. “Did you hear how all of those unattractive men in the restaurant were clapping for me when I sent the Italian stallion through the table?”

  “Yeah, so what?” Shanti asked, still confused.

  “I know this might sound crazy, but a month ago, I would’ve ridiculed more than half the people in that place. I mean, when you’re good looking, it’s so easy to be arrogant and superficial, but now that I’m on the outside looking in, I’m starting to see how bad I made all of them feel.”

  Shanti gives Jovon a suspicious glare. “And you think holding a self-defense seminar will help lighten your conscious?”

  “No,” Jovon answered, rising to his feet. “I want to do a self-worth seminar. Let’s face it, my better looking days are almost a month behind me now and from the way things are looking, they might actually end up staying that way.” Jovon turns back to Shanti, a sincere look in his eyes. “I lived a shallow existence my whole life, Shanti. At work, I make a killing getting guilty people off of serious criminal charges, and truth be told, nine times out of ten, they’re actu
ally guilty as sin. I’ve degraded so many women that I’ve literally lost count about two years ago. I come home”—he pauses to laugh—“I use to go home to my big ass house, in my nice car, flip through my phone, and look for any random female to call so she could come over and keep me company for the night.”

  Jovon sits down next to Shanti. “My life is completely empty. And what makes it worse is that I’m teaching my bullshit ways to my friends, and at some point, they’ll probably teach everything they’ve learned to somebody else. It’ll be a perpetuating cycle. I just want to do something that’ll possibly counteract all the wrong I’ve done. I want to do something that’s going to help somebody. I want to do something that I can truly feel good about when it’s all said and done.”

  Shanti curls her lips and nods. “I understand. You know I’ll do whatever it is I can to help.”

  Jovon smiles, brightly…or as brightly as he can with two missing front teeth and the rest badly staining. “Thanks, Shanti.”

  DAY 22

  Jovon, whose stomach has gotten noticeably bigger, and Shanti are passing out fliers detailing when and where Jovon’s seminar will take place. They are also posting them on telephone poles, store windows and liquor stores. After the two are done handing out fliers, they take time to enjoy the rest of the day and each other’s company. They go to an Aquarium, the park, out to eat, to a movie and finish the day out at Shanti’s house.

  Inside Shanti’s living room, the duo sits side by side on the couch, watching home videos of their younger days. Shanti soon dozes of, her head resting on Jovon’s shoulder. Jovon, who has been enjoying Shanti’s company in a way that he never has before, rests his head on top of hers and eventually falls asleep himself.

  DAY 29

  It’s another glorious Miami morning and Jovon is sitting at the kitchen table in Vinny’s house, going over his seminar speech, drinking a hot cup of coffee. Jovon’s earlobes are drooping even lower and his skin has aged even more so.

  Vinny walks out of his bedroom, his bruises and scrapes nearly gone. “Is that fresh coffee I smell?”

  Jovon looks up from his speech to acknowledge Vinny. “Yeah, I made some eggs, too. It’s still plenty left if you want some.”

  “I hope you wore a hair net,” Vinny joked. “Hey, forget about it, huh? I’m just busting your balls. Smells good in here, J”

  “Ha, ha, ha, mothafucka. If you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to working on my speech please.”

  “I still can’t believe you’re gonna go through with this thing,” Vinny said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “Come on, it’s embarrassing.”

  Jovon rotates his upper body towards Vinny. “Embarrassing for who? You?”

  “No, for you. You’re becoming the poster boy for every ugly bastard in the world. Is that what you really want?”

  Jovon turns back around to finish reviewing his speech. “You see, it’s that kind of talk that motivates me to do this. I owe it to all the people I’ve played or made fun of in the past to do this. And to answer your question…Yes, I do want to be the poster boy for all the ugly bastards in the world. When I was good looking I might’ve been in the top percentile as far as attractive people go, but as of now, I can say with great certainty, that there’s not too many ugly people out there that can compare with me. And as crazy as it sounds, but I take pride in the fact that my looks don’t bother me anymore.”

  Vinny sits in the chair across from Jovon, steaming cup of coffee in hand. “I say you forget about trying to lead the million monster march and dedicate all of this energy towards finding a lady to love before it’s too late. You got two days left after today and we still haven’t hit that blind shelter up yet.”

  “I’m not hitting up no blind shelter, man.”

  “Okay,” said Vinny, raising his hands in surrender. “You wanna spend the rest of your life looking like Yoda that’s your business, but don’t say I didn’t try to help your ass.”

  As Jovon eats his breakfast and drinks his cup of coffee, Vinny gets up and walks over to the sink to grab a plate. While standing at the sink, he picks up a towel that was submerged in the dishwater.

  “Hey, J, did you wash the dishes today?”

  “Yeah, I had to,” Jovon told him. “There wasn’t a clean cup in the house.”

  “Okay.” Vinny walks over to the table and puts his hand on Jovon’s shoulder. “Now don’t freak out when I tell you this, but you might wanna go in there and mix a couple teaspoons of bleach in with the mouthwash that I keep under the bathroom sink.”

  “What?” Jovon asked, helping himself to another fork full of eggs.

  “I forgot to tell you this when you moved in but…Well, sometimes when I’m running late for work I tend to cook, make coffee and sometimes wash up in the kitchen all at the same time.”

  “Ewww, man!!” Jovon said in disgust. “That’s nasty as hell! Why you tell me that shit?”

  “Well it’s like this,” Vinny began. Being that I’m use to living by myself, I never felt the need to make sure that I put my wash towel back in the bathroom after I washed my ass in the kitchen, because I know which is my dish towel and I know which is my ass towel.”

  Jovon pauses. “Wait a minute. You mean to tell me…”

  “I’m afraid so, pal. You just cleaned you plate, cup and the fork you were just sucking on with a towel I’ve been using to clean my balls and ass with for the last two weeks.”

  Jovon immediately begins gagging involuntarily.

  “Yeah, I know…Kind of gross, huh? I really meant to tell you that when you first got here, but it kept slipping my mind.”

  Jovon, who is still gagging, gets up, goes under the kitchen sink, pulls out a gallon of bleach and heads toward the bathroom. Vinny, still sitting at the kitchen table, takes a sip of coffee and starts staring at his wash towel.

  Vinny yells out to Jovon, “Hey, J, you didn’t notice all the little curly hairs on this thing?”

  Sounds of Jovon throwing up can be heard clearly throughout the house.

  Talking to himself before taking another sip of coffee, Vinny say, “That kid better be careful. He’s already been falling apart for the last month now. If he keeps throwing up like that, he’s bound to barf up an organ or some shit.”

  Chapter 19

  Shanti is standing backstage in the auditorium of Miami University, figuratively twiddling her thumbs. Her anxious behavior clearly gives off the impression she’s waiting for someone. Jovon enters, looking very stylish in a suit he borrowed from Vinny.

  “Where have you been?!” she asked Jovon the second she spotted him. “You’re ten minutes late!”

  “There was some stuff I had to take care of at home and then the damn buses were running late.”

  Shanti covers her nose once she catches whiff of his breath. “Why the hell does your breath smell like bleach?”

  “You don’t wanna know.” Jovon walks toward the curtain and peeps through. “So how’s it looking out there?”

  “A full house,” Shanti answered.

  Jovon looks at her, bewildered. “Are you serious? That means it’s over three hundred people here.” Shanti nods in excitement. “Okay,” Jovon said, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves. “It’s show time.” Jovon fixes his tie. “Wish me luck.”

  Shanti wraps her arms around Jovon’s neck and gives him a passionate kiss on the mouth. As she pulls back she notices a shocked look on Jovon’s face.

  “Good look,” she smiled.

  After staring at Shanti for a few seconds, Jovon finally walks out on stage in front of the silent, capacity-filled crowd, his heart racing at a thousand miles per second.

  Jovon steps to the podium and clears his throat. “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I know I’m a little late…I apologize for that. Now, allow me to tell you all something that I’m sure you’ve heard before, and as I look around the room, I’m pretty sure it applies to everybody here.” Jovon allows a brief moment of silence before leaning toward th
e microphone and saying, “You’re all ugly.”

  The crowd begins to rumble, totally thrown off by what Jovon has just said.

  “Wait, wait, wait,” Jovon said, removing the microphone from its holder and stepping out from behind the podium. “Let me finish, guys.”

  Jovon eventually gets the crowd to quiet back down.

  “As I was saying, you’re all ugly, but only through the eyes of people who don’t know you. You’re only ugly through the eye of the people who judge you strictly on your appearance. Superficial people get off on making people like you feel bad about yourselves. When you let negative remarks get you down, you’re basically letting them win. The next time someone talks about you or someone you try to sweet talk shoots you down, brush that shit off and move on to the next person who catches your eye. And don’t for one second think that just because you’re not the best looking person in the world that you’re automatically stuck with having to settle with another unattractive person. That’s theory is complete bullshit, guys.”