Alice's Nightmare In Wonderland

by Jonathan Green

  428

  Fenced in on all sides by the advancing topiary, Alice must fight the hedge-born horrors (which have the initiative) at the same time.

  COMBAT ENDURANCE

  UNICORN 8 6

  LION 9 7

  WYVERN 7 6

  If Alice defeats the garden’s guardians, she is able to continue on her way at last – turn to 146.

  429

  “Riddle me this, riddle me that,” Alice says. “Why, that is a tricky riddle indeed.”

  She looks at the sundial again. “I suppose if I could work out the answer to the riddle I should spell it out by turning the gnomon to line up with each letter in turn, until I have spelt out the whole word.”

  Can you help Alice solve the riddle of the sundial? If so, turn each of the letters in the answer into a number using the code A=1, B=2… Z=26, add the numbers together and then turn to the paragraph with the same number. (If the paragraph makes no sense, you have failed to answer the riddle correctly and will have to return here.)

  If you are unable to answer the riddle, Alice has no choice but to continue on her way (turn to 31).

  430

  Alice remembers her Governess once telling her that Pliny’s Natural History mentions four ancient labyrinths: the Cretan labyrinth, an Egyptian labyrinth, a Lemnian labyrinth, and an Italian labyrinth.

  Coming to another junction, should Alice go:

  East? Turn to 420.

  South? Turn to 490.

  West? Turn to 470.

  431

  Continuing to explore the Palace, Alice travels along torch-lit corridors and up and down flights of stairs until she climbs a broad set of stone steps and comes at last to the entrance to the throne room.

  Standing in front of a set of double doors, painted gold and inset with rubies that form a myriad glittering hearts, is a huge, ogre-like figure. It is wearing a straining tabard that marks it out as the Ace of Clubs and its head is partially covered by a black hood.

  The Guard stands with his hands resting on the haft of a huge axe, the heavy blade resting on the stone-flagged floor at his feet.

  “I suppose you’re the Royal Executioner!” Alice challenges the burly brute.

  “You suppose right,” says the Ace of Spades, “so I expect you can also guess what’s coming next,” he chuckles as he hefts the axe in his hands.

  “Off with her head?” Alice hazards.

  The Executioner just laughs and advances on the poor child, axe raised.

  If she is still able to use The Pen is Mightier ability, and you want Alice to do so now, turn to 441. If not, turn to 471.

  432

  “You are old,” says the child, “as I noticed before,

  And have grown most uncommonly fat;

  Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door –

  Pray, what is the reason of that?”

  “In my youth,” says the sage, as he shakes his grey locks,

  “I kept all my limbs very supple

  By the use of this ointment – one shilling the box –

  Allow me to give you a couple!”

  The old man offers Alice two boxes of ‘Dr Lutwidge’s Ligament Lubricator’ and Alice pops them into the pocket of her pinafore dress. In the future, if Alice has to take an Agility test, you can cross off one of the boxes and Alice will automatically pass the test.

  And now the curious old man is standing there balancing a writhing eel on the end of his nose.

  “You are old,” says the child, “one would hardly suppose

  That your eye was as steady as ever;

  Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose —

  What made you so awfully clever?”

  “I have answered your question, and that is enough,”

  Says the old man; “don’t give yourself airs!

  Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?

  Be off, or I’ll kick you down stairs!”

  With that, the mists return until Alice can barely see her hand in front of her face. And then she opens her eyes…

  Turn to 357.

  433

  “You’d better not talk!” says Five, as Alice cautiously skirts the edge of the rose garden, trying to stay out of sight of the gardeners. “I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!”

  “What for?” says Two, the one who spoke first.

  “That’s none of your business, Two!” says Seven.

  Take an Agility test and if Alice passes the test, turn to 443, but if she fails, turn to 262.

  434

  (Cross off one of the Curiouser and Curiouser boxes on Alice’s Adventure Sheet.)

  “Well this is a strange state of affairs, I must say,” Alice says, furiously treading water in order to keep her head above the waves. “One minute I’m in an underground hallway, the next I’m in the middle of the sea with not a wall, or door, or rabbit-hole in sight. I suppose a ship will appear out of nowhere next.”

  Turn to 460.

  435

  No matter how long she stares at the gate and its locks, Alice cannot see a pattern to their arrangement.

  Can you help her? If you can solve the puzzle, turn to the number that is the same as the total you reach when you add up all of the numbers that the hour hands should be pointing to. If not (or if the paragraph you turn to doesn’t make any sense, meaning you have got the answer wrong), turn to 455.

  436

  Listening carefully as she manipulates her improvised picks in the lock, Alice finally hears a click and the door to her cell opens. Having checked that the way is clear, Alice heads off into the Palace without further delay.

  Turn to 342.

  437

  Alice carefully picks her way past the remaining puffballs and breathes a heartfelt – and spore-free – sigh of relief. Leaving the patch of puffballs behind, she finally emerges from the fungus forest.

  She is standing at the top of a steep slope. Below her, at the bottom of the incline, to the north, on the other side of a rickety fence, she can see a curious house, with chimneys shaped like ears and its roof apparently thatched with fur. To the north-west there stands a grand house built in the Palladian style. Beyond the cottage Alice can see the towering yew hedge walls of a maze that appears to cover acres of ground.

  In which direction should Alice go now? To head towards the grand house, turn to 319. To make for the fur-thatched cottage, turn to 216.

  438

  Pulling the jar from her pocket and unscrewing the lid, Alice empties its contents over the slimy bodies of the creatures. They hiss even louder but they also start to writhe about as if in pain, almost tying themselves in knots in the process. Repelled by the stinging pellets, the creatures slip back into their watery hole, leaving Alice free to pass by unmolested.

  Turn to 286.

  439

  The Wyvern is the first to lunge at Alice, but she manages to duck and instead the shrub-beast closes its prickle-filled jaws around the Unicorn’s foreleg. In anger and pain, the Unicorn kicks out, catching the Lion in the face with its trimmed-hedge hooves.

  Soon all three of the unreal monsters are fighting among themselves until all that is left of them are broken twigs and scattered leaves. With a sigh of relief, Alice sets off again along the garden path – turn to 146.

  440

  “Help!” Alice shouts, as she furiously treads water, in order to keep her head above the waves. “Mayday! SOS! I appear to be all at sea without the aid of a lifebelt. Or even a lifeboat for that matter,” she adds to herself. “Help!”

  Turn to 460.

  441

  With a mighty roar, the Executioner raises the enormous axe above his head, ready to bring it down on Alice’s neck, but suddenly trips on an uneven flagstone at the top of the steps. Unbalancing, the brute tumbles forwards down the stairs, the axe tumbling after him.

  By the time the Ace of Spades reaches the bottom of the steps, Executioner and axe have been reunited, although, admitted
ly, the axe is now buried in the Royal Executioner’s head.

  Turn to 456.

  442

  “You are old,” says the child, “and your jaws are too weak

  For anything tougher than suet;

  Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak –

  Pray how did you manage to do it?”

  “In my youth,” said the sage, “I took to the law,

  And argued each case with my wife;

  And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,

  Has lasted the rest of my life.”

  The old man starts to gnash his teeth, as if to prove the point, and then a hideous transformation overcomes him as the mists return. His features flatten and bright orange fur bursts from his face. His eyes turn yellow and his teeth become large fangs as he opens his mouth wider and wider and gives voice to a savage roar.

  Turn to 452.

  443

  Leaving the gardeners to their bickering, which way does Alice go as she leaves the rose garden? East (turn to 490) or west (turn to 272)?

  444

  Bending over backwards, Alice dodges the spinning pan as it hurtles past her head. Now turn to 384.

  445

  Being only ten inches high, Alice doesn’t have a hope of opening any of the other doors, whether they are unlocked or not. As she is gazing across the acres of tiled floor, wondering what to do next, something scuttles out from the darkness under a door.

  Although she is, in general, a sensible child, Alice is not particularly fond of spiders. However, now that the spider is the size of an Alsatian, compared to her, the spinal-chill of dread fills her body and soul. Possibly considering the child a potential source of food, the eight-legged fiend stalks towards her, its long bristle-haired limbs moving in an eerily independent fashion. Fearing for her safety, Alice knows that she has to act decisively, and fast.

  If you think she should prepare to defend herself, turn to 382. If you would rather she used The Pen is Mightier ability, turn to 362.

  446

  Alice gazes up at the grim-looking edifice before her. Despite the proliferation of hearts in its architecture – from its flying buttresses, to its crenulations, to its arrow-slits and stained glass windows – Alice has never seen a more sinister structure. The terracotta tiles of its sunken roofs are cracked, and entirely missing in some places, while black carrion birds circle its battlements having made their roosts atop the high walls.

  The Palace is surrounded by a moat that is filled with brackish brown water, choked with waterweed and clogged with the bloated white bodies of dead fish and frogs. However, it will be no trouble for Alice to cross the disgusting morass that is the moat since the drawbridge is down, and, having done so, Alice discovers that the gates of the stronghold are open.

  Warily Alice eases her way between the towering gates, convinced that she will run into a guard patrol, or maybe a guard dog, at any moment. But an eerie stillness hangs over the place, and Alice could almost believe that it is, in fact, deserted.

  Alice heads off into the Palace… Turn to 342.

  447

  A keening wail howls about the battlements of the stronghold, as if the place is haunted by the spirits of those stony sentinels who now keep their eternal vigil over the fortress.

  Alice makes it to the entrance to the keep without meeting any opposition and, heaving open the age-worn door, weathered to the colour of old teeth, makes her way inside. Finding herself at the bottom of a spiral stone staircase, Alice begins her ascent, making her way up through the tower.

  Upon reaching the top of the staircase Alice passes through an arched doorway and into an eerie mausoleum-like chamber. The room has a sepulchral air to it, which is hardly surprising considering that resting atop a plinth at its heart is a white stone tomb. Upon the lid is the carving of a knight, with a carved white beard. He is holding a stone sword and also wears a coronet atop his helm.

  An inscription circles the white marble sarcophagus:

  To win the sword, speak loud my name,

  My title and my piece the same.

  Kneel now, my ring to kiss,

  And answer me, whose tomb is this?

  Alice starts, hearing footsteps on the stair she has just ascended. Someone, or something, is coming.

  Take a Logic test, and if Alice passes it, turn to 487; but if she fails, turn to 497.

  448

  Her fears prove perfectly justified when her foot catches one of the bloated fungi and a gust of choking spores puffs into Alice’s face.

  Roll one dice (or pick a card). If the number rolled is odd (or the card picked is black), turn to 458. If the number rolled is even (or the card picked is red), turn to 468.

  449

  Uncorking the bottle, Alice pours its contents over the slimy creatures, but the Patent Plant Provender doesn’t seem to have any effect… At least, not on the slimy newt-like lizards.

  The soft ground around Alice is pushed upwards as a host of knotty roots break through from beneath. These roots wrap themselves around Alice’s feet and ankles, trapping her. Unable to escape the advancing horrors, she is forced to fight them, both at the same time. (The Slithy Toves have the initiative.)

  COMBAT ENDURANCE

  First SLITHY TOVE 6 6

  Second SLITHY TOVE 6 5

  If Alice slays the creatures, she can at last turn her attention to freeing herself from the ensnaring roots, and, having done so, sets off again through the swamp. Turn to 286.

  450

  Unstoppering the bottle, Alice splashes what remains of its contents over the Snap-dragon-flies. However, her action does not have the desired effect. In fact, rather than causing the insects to shrink, the liquid only seems to encourage the brandy flames.

  “I wonder what was in that!” Alice gasps. “A drop of Nanny’s Ruin, I expect!”

  The two Snap-dragon-flies buzz towards Alice with angry intent, and no sign of forgiving festive spirit. (Cross the Shrinking Potion off Alice’s Adventure Sheet; she cannot use it again.)

  If you want to use The Pen is Mightier ability to help Alice escape her fate, and you are still able to do so, turn to 393. If not, turn to 404.

  451

  Arming herself as best she can, Alice prepares to battle the bird, wondering if how she is feeling now was how St George felt when he fought the dragon. (The Jubjub Bird has the initiative in this fight.)

  JUBJUB BIRD COMBAT 10 ENDURANCE 12

  If Alice defeats the Jubjub Bird, turn to 408.

  452

  A huge tiger leaps at Alice from out of the mist but this is no ordinary tiger; it appears to have been formed from folded paper.

  If you want Alice to use The Pen is Mightier ability to save herself from the origami big cat, turn to 481. If you want her to use the Curiouser and Curiouser ability to change the story in some way, turn to 467. If you do not think Alice should use either of these abilities now, she will have to fight the Paper Tiger – turn to 492.

  453

  “Would you mind telling me,” says Alice, a little timidly, “why you are painting those roses?”

  Five and Seven say nothing, but look at Two.

  “Why the fact is, you see, Miss,” Two begins, “this here ought to have been a red rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So you see, Miss, we’re doing our best, afore she comes, to–”

  At this moment Five, who has been looking at Alice suspiciously, calls out, “It’s her! It’s the one the Queen wanted dead or alive!”

  “Well that doesn’t sound very friendly,” says Alice grumpily.

  Whatever you think Alice should do next, she is going to have to do it quickly. Should she:

  Run for it? Turn to 46.

  Prepare to fight? Turn to 503.

  Use something suitable she might

  have found lying around the maze? Turn to 463.

  454

  Opening th
e door at the end of the long passageway, Alice finds herself standing at the threshold to a large kitchen, which is full of smoke.

  A baby is howling in its cradle, which has been left next to an empty three-legged stool beside the hearth. Leaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron, is a scrawny, sour-faced Cook. The heat and smoke and noise make Alice wonder if she hasn’t entered the hellish city of Pandemonium by mistake.

  “There’s certainly too much pepper in that soup!” Alice says to herself, walking into the kitchen and trying to see what’s in the cauldron. There is certainly too much pepper in the air, and Alice can’t help but sneeze.

  The Cook spins round at the sound and glowers at Alice through the fug of smoke and steam filling the kitchen. Her eyes narrow as she peers at Alice along her hooked nose, and then glares at the crib as the baby alternates between sneezing and howling without a moment’s pause.

  “Shut up!” squawks the Cook, flinging a fire-iron in the direction of the cradle.

  “Oh, please mind what you’re doing!” cries Alice, jumping up and down in an agony of terror.

  “Speak roughly to your little boy, and beat him when he sneezes,” the Cook snaps back. “He only does it to annoy, because he knows it teases.” And with that she picks up a saucepan and hurls it at Alice.

  Take an Agility test. If Alice passes it, turn to 444. If she fails the test, turn to 424.