Don't Explain

by Audrey Dacey

  Michael maneuvered the car down the long and steep driveway and pulled it around the wide area at the bottom so that the passenger side faced the front door. He got out of the car and jogged to other side. Caitlyn stepped out and looked directly at Michael.

  “Thank you.”

  He leaned toward her, slid one hand around her waist, combed the fingers of the other through her hair, and gently kissed her soft lips. She let it linger for a moment, but then pulled back.

  “I should go.”

  Michael pulled her back to his lips, and hers parted under his pressure. His tongue darted in her mouth, and she flicked it with hers. Her body pressed against his tightly as she looped her hands around his neck.

  Caitlyn’s whole body radiated with heat, and she wished she wasn’t wearing a jacket. She wanted to be closer to him and to have the night air cool her down a bit.

  His mouth ran along her cheek, and his hot breath hit her ear. “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

  Caitlyn shook her head, “I shouldn’t.”

  Michael ran his hand along the side of her neck, sending shivers through her burning body. He placed his mouth on hers with a quick, soft kiss. “Why not?”

  “It’ll complicate things,” she said through three more soft caresses with his lips.

  “Aren’t they already complicated?” He sucked delicately on the turn of her neck.

  Caitlyn pulled away from him and stepped back against the car. “Probably, but I don’t want to be your rebound.”

  Michael reached for her hand and laced his fingers through hers. “You don’t have to be a rebound.”

  “You don’t get to dictate that.” She dropped his hand from his. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to fall in love with you again.”

  Caitlyn deftly made her way around the overpowering man in front of her and fled through her door. As she closed it, she rested her head against the frame. She ached with longing and wished that she had just let the moment happen. It was the beginning of the scene that she played out in her dreams for five years and pretended not to dream about for another five. It would only be one night. Just once, to see how it felt. To fill in the blanks in her fantasies.

  She battled her will and craved having his strength pressing down against her body. She opened the door a crack to see if she could change her mind, but he had already left. Disappointed, she kicked off her shoes, headed to her bed, and plopped down face first.

  Before she could fall asleep the phone rang. Her first thought was to ignore it, but she couldn't shake the feeling that it might be Michael on the line, so with great effort she lifted herself to a sitting position and grabbed the phone next to her bed. She looked at the yellow-green display, which informed her that Alexis was on the other end of the line. She fell back on her bed and let the machine pick it up; Alexis could wait until the morning.

  From across the small cottage, she could hear Alexis's voice through the answering machine’s speaker pleading with her to answer questions about the evening. Finally, she heard a threatening, “If you don't pick up the phone, I will come over to your house, open the door with the key you gave me, and jump on your bed until you talk to me. Not any of that girly jumping either. I’m talking backflips and seat drops.”

  Caitlyn sighed, knowing that the risk of her coming over was all too real. Alexis lived three houses down. She raised the phone in her right hand to her ear as she pushed the “talk” button.

  “I am really tired,” she whined.

  “I don't care.”

  “How did you know that I was home?”

  “I saw an unknown car pass my house, and I figured it was his.”

  “You seriously don't have anything better to do than stalk me while I am on a date? Have you been hanging out with my mother?”

  “Quit stalling. I want to hear about your date. I'm entitled to this information, and you're going to give it to me.”

  Alexis loved to gossip, but the town's gossip was banal to her. She wanted something juicy and sexy, and since Caitlyn didn't often date, this was a treat.

  Caitlyn gave into her and began telling her all about the awkwardness, the dinner, why Michael was in town, and the fact that she let it slip that she’d had a crush on him. When it came to the evening's final moments, Caitlyn hesitated. She wasn't sure what it meant, and she feared that by telling her friend she would make a bigger deal out of it than it was, both to her friend and in her head.

  “Is that it?” Alexis prodded.

  “Pretty much.” Caitlyn answered, but she knew right away that Alexis wasn't going to take that for an answer. “He kissed me.”

  “Nice,” Alexis said. “And?”

  “And what? Nothing else happened. I went inside; he left. You saw him leave.”

  “And what's next? Are you going to see him again?”

  “We didn’t discuss it.” Caitlyn paused, imagining what would happen if they did see each other again. She smiled. “Can I go to bed now?”

  “Fine. Go to bed. But I'll have more questions for you in the morning.”

  They hung up, and Caitlyn stared at her ceiling replaying the farewell in her head. Her mind raced so fast that it put her to sleep. She didn’t even have the energy to change out of her dress.

  #

  Michael couldn't sleep that night. He was humiliated by his actions and wondered what had overcome him. He concluded that he had a major lapse in judgment while in a vulnerable state. Yet somehow now that he was not in that state or in that situation, he wanted the same thing, to pull Caitlyn close to him and tenderly kiss her. He wondered if she would want to see him again, or if he would have to wait another seven years to let this blow over. He paced the floor of the motel room.

  She was gorgeous. In college, he had always found her a little awkward. She hadn't quite decided who she was going to be and was often a contradiction, but in her coffee shop she looked comfortable, and her disheveled appearance was anything but awkward. He caught himself gaping when he saw her in that black dress, and she wore it with a confidence he had not seen in her before. Her silky skin teased him all night. He thought of her long legs walking across the restaurant and her chest rising slightly with each breath. He couldn’t remember a time before this that she appealed to him in a way that made him want to drag her into the closest bedroom.

  He sat on his bed watching TV and thinking about how he was going to repair their friendship. He flipped through the channels, knowing that anything that was on at this time was not going to be something he wanted to watch. He eventually decided that sitting in silence would better suit him. For hours the image of her soft body lay in the forefront of his mind. He tossed about in his bed, but the movement only distracted him for a moment. Eventually his anxieties drove him to sleep rather than keeping him awake, and at 4:57 he finally drifted off.

  #

  Caitlyn turned to look at the red numbers on her clock. 4:58. She could pretend to sleep for the next two minutes and have to bear the sound of the alarm going off, or she could get up now. She rolled to her other side, tugged the heavy quilt over her shoulders, and closed her eyes tightly, wishing she could fall back asleep if only for those couple of moments.

  Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

  “Noooo!” she moaned.

  She contorted her body to slam her hand against the clock and smashed the snooze button to delay the next beep for nine minutes. She contemplated letting the snooze run its cycle but knew that she would just lie there thinking about the impending torture of the alarm's harsh reproach. She let out another moan as she propped herself up, stretched her arms into the air, yawned softly, and turned off the alarm. The wood floors of her cottage were cool against her feet as she lifted herself out of the bed and slogged toward the shower, shedding her cocktail dress on the way.

  She stayed out way too late the night before. Usually she went to bed early—old people early—so 5 AM did not feel good after only six hours of sleep. While the night was worth it, she didn’t know
how to face the day.

  Caitlyn stepped out of the octagonal shower into the steam-filled air of the bathroom. The warm, dense air cleared her sinuses and filled her lungs. She hastily dried herself before pulling on a pair of faded blue jeans and a light pink t-shirt. Her wet hair fell messily around her shoulders dampening her shirt so that it stuck uncomfortably to her skin.

  She looked in the mirror and shook her head at the image. You could have had him, she scolded. He was standing in your driveway offering to make your dreams come true, and you blew it.

  She combed through her hair and tied the strawberry blonde tresses into a quick chignon. She brushed mascara onto her lashes and paused for a moment to take in her appearance. It could be better. Caitlyn would never say that she was pretty, but she could certainly try a little harder.

  She contemplated pulling her hair back down and drying it or doing a more complete job on her makeup, but a quick glance at her watch told her that this was as good as it was going to get this morning.

  It didn't really matter to her anyway. She already blew her chance. Anyone else that came into her coffee shop would require no more from her than her ability to steam milk and float it on top of espresso, and even her best friend wasn’t that picky.

  She stretched her arms through her grey sweater jacket, tied the sash around her waist, and headed out of the door.

  She walked down the craggy dirt path to Main Street. The morning was quiet, and she could hear the crunching of the dirt and leaves under her sneakers. As she walked she would occasionally twist the ball of her foot into the dirt to hear and feel the grit of the outdoors. The dew smelled sweet in the brisk morning air. Her cheeks turned rosy from the chill, and she hugged herself while walking the mile to her cafe.

  She was betting that Michael would be gone. Just like that. He didn’t owe her anything, and while they were friendly, could they be friends again after last night? After ten years of nothing? But she didn’t want him to go away. He’s the only guy who ever really cared about her. Who didn’t just see her as some kind of conquest. She had been hurt before by guys who only wanted sex, and when she wasn’t willing to give it freely, they booked it to a girl who would.

  She touched her upper lip to her nose as she sniffled and felt its cold tip; a chill ran through her body as she turned the key and heard the steel deadbolt grating against the jamb. She turned the metal knob and pushed the door forcefully with her shoulder to open it. Turning to lock the door behind her, Caitlyn felt a strange tingling running through her veins. Today, she thought, needs to be over as soon as possible.

  The first thing she did every morning was plug her MP3 player into the stereo to play the soothing melodies of the jazz greats. The soft sound of Billie’s voice filled the silence of the empty room.

  She turned on all the lights, lit the wood stove in the middle of the room, started brewing the coffee, and took the chairs down from the tables. She slid the muffin pans into the oven; she always prepared the batter the day before, so that she wouldn't have to get up even earlier. An acrid fragrance filled the small shop as the American brew dripped into the tall urn.

  She tried to focus all of her attention on the little things, the menial tasks, and not the kiss. Not the warmth of his body pushed against hers or the strength of his hand on the small of her back.

  Caitlyn shook her head. No.

  A light rapping on the window startled her. Caitlyn walked over to the door to let Alexis in.

  “You’re early.”

  “With good reason. Make me a latte.”

  The gurgle and puff of the espresso machine soothed her as the extracted liquid cascaded into the small mug beneath it, and the milk foamed in the metal container in her hands. She slowly moved it down diagonally creating a thick foam along the top until the nozzle was completely exposed. She poured the deep brown liquid into the bottom of a clear glass mug and then poured a layer of milk on top. She spooned on foam to finish the beverage and then handed it to Alexis.

  “Here.” Alexis placed a fifty dollar bill on the counter. “The change is your tip.”

  Caitlyn narrowed her eyes at her friend and crossed her arms under her breasts. “I don’t take handouts.”

  A smile crossed Alexis’s lips as she lowered the mug from her mouth. “Your coffee is worth fifty bucks to me. I’ll pay more if it means you didn’t waste your summer vacation painting walls, sanding and varnishing floors, and moving furniture. You work too damn hard.”

  Caitlyn wiped the counter. Sure, she worked hard at everything except a social life.

  “So?”

  “So what?” but Caitlyn knew. She wanted all of the little details. “I told you everything to tell.”

  “So are you off your man strike? Kiss this guy move on to the next. We could go to a bar tonight.”

  “I wasn’t on a ‘man strike.’ Do you not remember the last time we went to Boston? All the guys flocked to you, and I was stuck with Greasy Gary. If guys like that are my fate, can you blame me for taking myself off the market?” Caitlyn shuddered at the thought of the guy who still wore a name tag and smelled of sweat. “Besides, this is different.”

  Alexis stood up straight and looked directly into Caitlyn’s eyes. “How is this different?”

  “We’re friends. That’s all.” Caitlyn bit her lip and broke her friend’s gaze.

  “Liar. I can’t believe you just looked into my eyes and lied to me.” Alexis set her mug on the counter with a thud. “I should take my money back. This is not what I paid for.”

  Caitlyn put her hands on her hips. “You paid for the coffee.”

  “And the gossip. If you’re not going to spill about your life, I’ll find someone in this town that will.” Alexis grabbed her purse, which she had set down on the counter, and turned to leave.

  Caitlyn drew in a choppy breath. “Friends is our only option. He lives in Sacramento. The kiss was nothing. It could have been something, but I stopped it. I don’t know if I’ll see him again.”

  Alexis put her purse back on the counter. “You could’ve had sex with him? You have to see him again. Don’t you want to know what it would be like after all those years of pining after him? You have to get him out of your system, so we can go out and have some fun.”

  Caitlyn bit her thumbnail. “I want to see him again, but…”

  “No butts. Go get him.” Alexis walked behind the counter and grabbed the extra apron that was hanging on a hook behind the counter. “I’ll watch the shop while you’re gone.”

  Caitlyn paced behind the counter. “I don’t know where he’s staying. I don’t have a car.”

  “Stop making excuses.” Alexis dug into her purse and grabbed her keys. “There’s only one motel in this town, and I bet Peggy will tell you which room he’s in and what time his light went out. Take the Porsche.”

  “You’re going to let me drive the Porsche?” Caitlyn asked as she took off her apron.

  “If it gets you laid, hell yes.”

  #

  Michael awoke that afternoon just before one o'clock. He jumped out of the bed as though he were late, but once he realized that he was in a crummy motel room, his pulse gradually slowed. He stretched his arms above his head and closed his eyes. When they reopened, he noticed that a piece of paper had been shoved under the door. The paper was bunched up and slightly torn after being jammed through the weather stripping. He opened the door to retrieve the message in order not to rip it completely. When he unfolded it he saw written in a familiar print-script combination: “Michael: Come to the shop at three. Bring your boots. Caitlyn.”

  Maybe he hadn’t completely screwed this up.

  CHAPTER 4

  Caitlyn wheezed a little bit as she moved up the trail. She had not hiked in a while, and as they neared the top of the mountain, the thin air worked against her.

  The hike up Wachusett Mountain was fairly easy, and fall was the best time to make the journey. The cool temperatures were comfortable for the majority of the hike an
d carrying a light jacket for the chilly temperatures at the pinnacle was not as bothersome as hiking in the humid summers. The foliage had begun to change its color, and the sights were breathtaking.

  Caitlyn had thought when she moved back to the state that she would hike all the time. This, however, was only the third time her hiking boots had been laced to her feet since she bought them eight years ago. She and Michael had hiked almost every weekend when they lived in Tucson, but the scenery bored Caitlyn, especially nearing the end. Prickly pear and mesquite trees were not her ideal surroundings.

  They didn't talk much on the way up the mountain. They walked single file rather than side-by-side, and neither dared to bring up the events of the previous evening. Caitlyn knew that the hike would allow her to convert her feelings into the energy it took to climb the mountain.

  While she knew the best thing that she could do for him right now was to be a friend, she occasionally would look up at him and shudder at the sight of his hard body. Secretly, she hoped that despite having a night to rest and reflect, he would still want her as much as the previous day. If nothing else, he could blow off some steam. She could feel he was carrying a lot of stress the night before.

  When they reached the top, they walked around the peak to see all the views. From most areas they saw hills of reds, oranges, and yellows, which were also reflected in the reservoirs. At one point, in the distance they could see the faint outline of Boston, though it was very difficult to catch a glimpse through the haze. They wasted some quarters in the viewfinders, but the scene was more beautiful taken in all at once.

  After a while, Caitlyn sat down on a bench and started digging through her knapsack. She pulled out two turkey, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches, a bag of apple slices, and two bottles of water. She gestured with her head for Michael to take a seat next to her as she handed him a sandwich.

  “Had I known all of this was in your pack I would have carried it for you.”

  Caitlyn grunted at the thought that she was too weak to carry a couple of sandwiches.