Don't Explain

by Audrey Dacey

  As she made the first cup of coffee that day, she felt elated. Michael was falling in love with her. All of the negative things she had told herself were washed away. This time it wasn't just a secret crush with no hope. Everything about the letter and their time together screamed hope. It was almost too overwhelming for her.

  Later, when the rush of glee had passed with the rush of the early morning, other feelings arose from the pit of her stomach. When she had read the letter more carefully the last few time—she had already read it so many times that there was an indentation of her thumbs on either side of the page and it was beginning to tear at the fold—she found that even though they both wanted to be together, it was impossible. He had a life on the other side of the country, and he had to go back to it at some point. That point was sooner rather than later. She could visit, but for how long?

  The more she dwelled on it the more she became angry with him. He crushed her not only once, when he told her he was leaving, but a second time when he wrote of all the possibilities that were unattainable when they were living three thousand miles away from each other. She hated him for writing those things, and for creating hope where it did not exist. She decided that meeting him would only crush her more.

  She asked Alexis to come to the shop so that she could read the letter, but after Alexis read it, she uncharacteristically had nothing to say.

  Caitlyn jumped on the quiet. “I'm not going. I'm not open to getting my heart stomped on by him again.” Alexis’s silence was starting to disturb Caitlyn; someone who was never afraid to speak her mind. She began questioning her decision and desperately needed Alexis to support it. So she prodded her. “Right?”

  “I don't want you to get hurt, but maybe you should hear him out. You might get some closure,” she paused when Caitlyn's face fell in shock and fear and quickly added, “one way or another.”

  When Caitlyn locked the door after the last customer left at 1:30, she was conflicted. Her heart longed to see him one more time, but the pain it would likely sustain as a result was terrifying.

  Caitlyn stared at the muffin batter she was stirring, and for a few moments her mind was completely blank. Blueberries slowly sank to the bottom as she stood completely unaware of what she was doing or where she was. Soon the moments were over, and she came to a conclusion in a final moment of clarity. She would see him one more time, but after this, it was over. Michael Fitzgerald could no longer hold a place in her heart.

  #

  The drive to Nichewaug Pond was not long, but it was long enough to make Caitlyn doubt her decision to meet Michael. Before the letter she had simply decided to move past this, at least that is what she was telling herself. A couple of times she was very close to flipping around and heading back home, but his allure was too strong for her to overcome, and she made the final turn into the pond's recreation area.

  There was a wet leaf stuck to the middle of her windshield, and it reminded her of the cold rain the weatherman had predicted for that afternoon. She leaned forward, her head poking over the top of her steering wheel. Billowing white clouds climbing on top of one another dominated the sky; a few bright blue spots peeked down at her. Caitlyn was relieved. While it looked like it would rain, it probably wouldn't rain before they were done. She was going to make short work of whatever was waiting for her.

  She tried to imagine what the conversation would be so she could figure out how long it would take, but nothing came to her. She felt like she was walking in completely blind.

  What more was there to say? she wondered. Between the conversation yesterday morning and the letter he left, she felt like all of the possible topics were exhausted. If he wasn't careful in his words, Caitlyn knew that she could easily slip into a rant. He, in fact, would be hard-pressed to find conversation that did not lead to her storming off after a long diatribe. She imagined that she was going in with an open mind, but all she really wanted to do was give him a piece of it. He had put her in a bad spot. While she knew that she should have been aware that he would have to go back, she was ashamed to think that she had already considered it but chose to forget about it until he brought it up again the previous morning. She took all the disappointment from the reality of the situation and her lack of forethought and blamed it on him.

  Her wipers attempted to flick away the wet leaf, and she was hypnotized for a moment by the sweeping movement and the thud, sweeoosh, thud, sweeoosh.

  She was roused from her trance after spotting a long, daunting figure lying on a blanket in the grassy area above the sand. Caitlyn parked the car in the almost empty gravel lot and got out of her car. She carefully picked what was left of the slimy golden plant off of her car and flicked it away from her. She wiped the goo off on her jeans. Realizing she was only working to avoid the inevitable, she began to close the short distance between her and Michael.

  He looked up from a book he appeared to be absorbed in and smiled when he saw her. Briefly, he glanced at his watch before rising to meet her. He held his hand out to her, and she hesitated a moment before grabbing it.

  Caitlyn could feel the strength in his hand as he pulled her toward the blanket he had laid out. This strength melted the courage to keep the distance, physically and emotionally, that she had been preparing to hold firm.

  “I am really glad you came,” he started. “I really didn't think that you would, but I am glad you did.” He pointed to the picnic before them. “This is us.”

  Caitlyn’s eyes were wide and her mouth fell open when she saw what was on the blanket. There was a basket with a red thermos, muffins, sandwiches, cookies, and two apples. Next to the basket were a pizza box and a 2-liter bottle of strawberry soda.

  “Are you kidding me?” She looked at him in disbelief; her chest was heavy, and she had to work for composure.

  “Is it too much?” Michael looked deep into her eyes. He was smiling purposefully, and she knew that he was proud of himself. It wasn’t arrogance, but rather a kind of boyish pride that shouted, “Didn't I do well?” and needed accolades to feel as though he was good enough.

  Caitlyn thought back to the last day they spent together in Tucson. They had planned to meet for lunch on the mall; each was supposed to bring something to share. Caitlyn had gone overboard and made sandwiches, fresh iced tea, banana crumble muffins and some fruit salad. She wrapped the sandwiches and muffins individually with cellophane and packed them neatly into a basket. Lying on a blanket, Austen in hand, she waited for him. Michael showed up, a half an hour late, shadowing her from the sun with a pizza box and soda. “Sorry,” he said. “I had another goodbye right before this, and it ran a little long.” His voice trailed off, and he turned his gaze from her.

  Caitlyn knew that he was saying goodbye to Chelsea, his recent mostly-off-again girlfriend, and that the goodbye was more than the friendly hug. She couldn't help looking hurt while saying, “It's okay.”

  Eventually it was okay, and they became lost in conversation, and it wasn't until Caitlyn noticed the pink on her arms turning to red that they packed up and went their separate ways.

  Michael had attempted to reproduce that scene. He had a hard time dealing with her silence, which was induced by shock, and began to ramble a bit, “I didn't make the stuff like you did; I didn't have the facilities. I tried, though, to get it right.” Michael cleared his throat and looked at her. Caitlyn had seen him try to impress girls before but he had always evaded sweetness. She knew that he was actually trying, and it seemed to be uncharted territory he was stumbling through.

  All of this worked together to devastate anything that was left of the wall she had created to protect herself, and without thinking she instinctively whispered, “It's perfect.” She turned to him, lifted herself on the ball of her good foot and kissed him softly on the mouth. Though taken aback, Michael was able to stay focused and led her to the blanket where they both sat down.

  It was awkward. Caitlyn sat cross-legged and was hunched over. Michael kept trying to find a position tha
t didn't make him look like an idiot, and finally settled on stretching out his legs and leaning back on his arms. Studying him as he shifted gawkily, Caitlyn couldn't help but laugh once he finally settled in. Looking back at her equally uncomfortable position, he joined in.

  Caitlyn shifted her gaze to a picnic table that was not five feet away from them, and nodding her head toward it said, “Shall we?”

  Michael was quick to his feet and grabbed the food. Once they were settled in again across the table from one another, Michael handed her a plate, cup, and utensils followed by food.

  After a few moments, Michael broke the silence with an apology, but Caitlyn quickly stopped him with a shush and a shake of her head. “This is it,” she said. “I know this is it, so let's just enjoy it. I want to just enjoy it.” She paused for a moment realizing that this was not at all what she had wanted or expected, though her expectations on the drive to the pond were limited to an explosive reaction. Instead she joked, “You're going to call me this time, right?” Then, before he could answer her, “It would be really rude for you not to call this time.”

  “Caitlyn, will you stop for a minute?” he nearly yelled. Then he looked at her and softly said, “I want you to come with me.”

  Caitlyn shook her head. “You said that before, but it’s just stalling the inevitable. Let’s not make it hurt any more than it has to. More time is a bad idea.”

  “I want you to move. Come live with me in Sacramento. It’s not as bad as you think.”

  “So we are going to have the same conversations over we had that day, too?” she said annoyed. On their last day in Tucson together, he asked her to go with him to Sacramento. Not to live with him, but so that they would both know someone in their new towns. He had known that she was going to say no then, just as she was sure he knew she was going to say no now. “The idea was sweet, really sweet, but I don't want to have that same conversation. I can't do that.” Caitlyn looked down at her plate. She didn't want to snap at him, but it was a ridiculous suggestion.

  “No,” he said putting down his fork. “I want the conversation to be different this time.”

  “Michael, we hardly know each other anymore. When you asked me ten years ago, we had been close friends for four years. You can't ask me to drop everything after a less than a week's re-acquaintance and great sex. We are just getting started again, and this time you don't just have a prospective life there and me here. We have real responsibilities across the country from one another.” She sighed and took a sip of the strawberry soda.

  Michael's eyes bore into her. “Ask me.”

  She looked back at him and began to get uncomfortable. She rocked a little in her seat to see if she could ease the discomfort, but she couldn't. “Ask you what?”

  “Ask me to stay on less than a week's re-acquaintance and great sex.”

  “Why would I do that?” she questioned, turning back to her food.

  “Because I'll stay.”

  Caitlyn looked up and stared at him in disbelief. “I don't understand.”

  “Caitlyn, I want to be with you. I'm drawn to you. If that means that I have to pick up and move across the country, I'll do it. I needed a change anyway, right? Help me make that change.”

  “We couldn’t just have a nice dinner for the last time.” Caitlyn got up from the picnic table, “You’re out of your mind. You’re not going to move for a rebound. So, stop saying it.”

  “You’re not a rebound. I’ll move if that's what I have to do to be with you.” He was unflinching and obviously completely serious.

  Tears began welling in the bottom of her eyes lids. “You make everything so difficult.”

  Caitlyn threw her napkin on the table, swung her legs over the bench, and pounded back to her car. Michael stood up and called after her, but she ignored him. This ended exactly how she expected it to.

  #

  Michael sat back down and took a bite of one of the sandwiches he had brought. He really blew it. He was too eager and scared her off. He guessed that she wouldn’t go with him to Sacramento, but he didn’t think that she would run off when he offered to stay. He’d expected her to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him.

  Instead he was eating a chicken salad sandwich alone. He threw the sandwich down on the table.

  He’d already briefly checked out the area for houses and job prospects. Why the hell not? he had thought. There was nothing actually holding him in California. His family was scattered about the country anyway.

  He was staying, and when she saw that, she’d come around. At least he hoped.

  Michael pulled his phone out of his pocket, and then waited for someone to pick up on the other end, but he got a voicemail message instead.

  “Hi, you’ve reached Rob Breyer…” Michael wished Rob would answer his phone more regularly. If he did that, he’d stop leaving these types of message.

  Beep. “Hey, Rob. It’s Michael. Turns out that I am not going to be able to make it into work on Thursday. I’ve decided to move to Massachusetts, so I’m not going to be able to work in the ER at all. I’ll fax over my resignation later this afternoon.

  “If you have any questions, call me. My voicemail will be more than happy to field your call.” Michael hung up the phone.

  A cold, light rain began to fall, and he looked at all the stuff he brought. He didn’t want it. Beyond that he didn’t have room for it in the shabby motel room where he was doomed to spend another night. In the morning, he’d have to find something suitable for long term living. He grabbed all the food in a couple armfuls and dumped it in a nearby dumpster. He saved nothing.

  He slid into the Jag and ran his fingers through his moist hair before driving back to the motel.

  When he arrived, Caitlyn stepped out of her car and into the pouring rain. She turned around and watched Michael pulled into a parking space next to her. Her clothes became wet and clung tight against her body

  Quickly, he jumped out of the car and ran over to the shivering figure. “What the hell are you doing here?” He didn’t mean it like he said it, but he was surprised to see her there standing in the cold rain. “Get inside.”

  He opened the door and guided her in with a firm hand, closing the door behind them. “Let me get you a towel.” Michael walked across the room and into the bathroom, grabbing a thin, white towel off the rack above the toilet.

  He rushed back over to Caitlyn who was shaking and began toweling her off. She lifted her arms, grabbed his face, and kissed him hard. “I want you,” she whispered through a cold, wet kiss. He could feel the hard peaks against his body that had puckered under her thin blouse and bra as she pulled herself tighter against him. “Michael, I need you to make love to me. I might burst if you don't.” She ran her fingers over the length of his hard bulge. “Don’t make me wait.” She reached down and pulled his tucked polo shirt out of his pants.

  Michael grabbed her sweater and peeled it off of her arms and back, tossing it to one side. His hands moved to the buttons of her blouse and began releasing them one by one while meeting her hungry kisses that roamed from his mouth to his neck. He became impatient when she slipped her hand in the front of his jeans and started rubbing him fervently with one hand while unbuttoning his jeans with the other. Michael popped off his shoes and tore the wet shirt from her body. He quickly released her breasts from her bra and removed his shirt while she took off her jeans and panties.

  A soft thunder rumbled outside, and a violent shiver ran through her body. “Hold me tightly, Michael.”

  Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her cold, naked body close to his as he sat down on the edge of the bed. Kneeling over him, Caitlyn lowered her mouth onto his again giving him a slow, passionate kiss. She revealed everything to him in that kiss. All of her vulnerabilities were laid out for him, and he kissed her back just as passionately and openly.

  Caitlyn pulled her hips up and toward him and slowly took all of him inside of her.

  Michael moaned as every cell in
his body was awoken by her movement. Her arms gripped his body against her, stealing his warmth, as she glided up and down. He held her tightly back and felt the softness of her breasts move slightly against his chest. He sucked on the curve of her neck and along her collar bone.

  Michael slipped a hand between them and traced a line down her stomach to her clitoris and gently began circling over it with his finger tip. She moaned over and over. Her breath became slow and deep, and he knew that she was getting closer to the peak. As she tightened around him, he throbbed inside of her. He grabbed her head and pulled it toward his, and they kissed fervently as waves of pleasure coursed through their bodies.

  Michael pulled the comforter and sheets down, laid Caitlyn on the bed, crawled in next to her, and wrapped her in covers and his body. The sound of raindrops on the window soothed their overwhelmed senses. Caitlyn began laughing.

  Michael smiled at her. “Why do you laugh after sex?” he mused aloud.

  She caught herself and managed to reply, “I can't help it. When I orgasm, it every nerve in my body becomes sensitive. Every touch tickles, so I laugh.” She ran her fingers over his hard stomach.

  “I love it.”

  Caitlyn sighed at the words, closed her eyes and smiled.

  “So is this your way of giving me permission to stay?”

  She answered with an affirmative hum.

  “That’s good because I already quit my job. You were going to be stuck with me whether you liked it or not.” He kissed her forehead, and she laughed.

  “Really? You were going to stay anyway.”

  “The way I see it, everything I want is right here.”

  Caitlyn smiled at him and closed her eyes.

  For the next few minutes they just held each other and listened to the rain fall around them before falling asleep.

  #

  Every day that week Caitlyn and Michael had amazing sex. She was positive that she had never climaxed so many times in so few days. Caitlyn would return home from work to a waiting Michael, and he would ravage her in the kitchen, on the floor, and even occasionally in the bed.