Don't Explain

by Audrey Dacey

  “Sometimes I feel like I will always have his shadow hovering over my life.”

  “Maybe it will always be there, but I think that you only let in as much darkness as you want to.” They both sat in reflection for a few moments. He was right; she needed to continue to move on without Michael. While it was painful now, the more she moved on, the less sensitive she would be to it.

  With tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes, Caitlyn was ready to change the subject. She was lucky to be here with this man tonight, and she put Michael away where she had kept him for almost ten years, and focused on the moment before her. “Thank you for dinner. It was really delicious,” she glowed.

  “Wasn't it? Eat here like three times a week. I went to college in the Midwest, and I about died without seafood. I find that the closer you are to the ocean the better the seafood is. I can't imagine the horrid food that you must have had in Tucson.”

  “I wouldn't say it was horrid, but it certainly didn't compare. It's unfair to compare a chain restaurant to a place like this. Besides it's not as far from the ocean as you would imagine. There is one on the other side of the country,” she said, her eyes smiling.

  “It's far enough away that I never really bothered to imagine it,” he said, smiling at her. “Are you ready to get out of here?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Caitlyn was a little disappointed that the date was ending so soon, but she grabbed her jacket and slung her purse over her shoulder ready to go. Charles walked to Caitlyn and held both of her elbows in his hands. He pulled her close to his body and leaned down and lightly kissed her on the lips. Caitlyn melted under the warmth of his body. She raised her arms and wrapped them around his neck delicately and for a few moments cherished being with Charles.

  He pulled away from her and looked at her intently, “You look a little brighter.”

  When they got to the hotel, Charles walked Caitlyn to the green door of her room. The pair had sufficiently warmed up to one another and so he felt comfortable pulling her into his arms tightly and kissing her hard. She was lightheaded and quickly submitted to his intensity. She ran her fingers through his hair, and he held her against the door, pushing his body against hers.

  The feeling of being a teenager was engulfing her again, and her sense of shame and propriety had completely escaped her mind. She was so caught up in the moment that when an elderly woman walked by glaring at the couple's performance, Caitlyn did not stop. She even stared back for a moment while Charles was kissing her neck, and still she felt no pressure to break away from him to please the old lady. She closed her eyes and just felt the waves of pleasure pulsing through her.

  He ran his hands down the length of her body and tickled the outside of her thigh. She felt the strength of his chest against her and a strong pressure told her that he was becoming aroused.

  It wasn't until Charles suggested that they go into her room that she realized the magnitude of the situation. She wanted to say yes, to continue satisfying the craving she had for him to be with her, but before she could think, she said no. A moment earlier this seemed like the natural progression for both of them, but she couldn't do this with a new man quite so soon. She kissed him on the mouth briefly several times in a row, the last time taking his bottom lip with hers just for a moment.

  “I do want to see you again, but I can’t do this so soon.”

  Charles sighed. “Alright. I’m gonna call you though. So expect it.”

  Caitlyn tilted her head to one side. “Really.”

  “I promise, and I don’t break my promises.”

  Caitlyn lunged forward into his body, and he caught her as she gently caressed his mouth with hers.

  “Goodnight,” she said and then slipped into her hotel room. She felt immense relief. Not because she avoided having sex with Charles without creating a scene, but because she realized her life could go on again without Michael. She knew that Michael would be around, and she would occasionally have to deal with Margaret, but she could live her own life. As she took off her earrings and slipped off her dress she wished again that Michael had never reappeared in her life or at least that she didn't let him take over her life again. He would have gone back to Sacramento. She wouldn't have a daily reminder of what she was missing, and he wouldn't have the ability to cause any interference in her newfound peace and delight.

  Caitlyn slipped her nightgown over her bare body and she shuddered with pleasure remembering Charles's soft touches along the curves of her body. She moved to the sink, and let the cool water run into her hands to splash over her face. She let out a soft sigh of relief and patted her face dry with a towel.

  After turning down her bed, she climbed in. An overwhelming sorrow came over her suddenly, and for several moments she once again mourned the loss of what she thought was the love of her life.

  When she was done, she celebrated starting to get over him.

  #

  Caitlyn's voice had echoed through Michael's head for a day now. He couldn't understand why she would say Margaret wasn’t pregnant if it wasn’t true, but he didn't want to believe that Margaret would do something that elaborate and callous after leaving him. He couldn't make sense of the reality.

  He was sitting on the couch hovering over a box filled with DVDs. He browsed the titles and noticed that there was not a single movie in that box that he liked. They were all over-dramatic chick-flicks. He picked one up and looked at it briefly before tossing it back into the box. This was the only type of movie he watched anymore because it was what Margaret wanted to watch. She wasn’t willing to compromise. Michael couldn't remember the last time they saw a movie he wanted to watch. For a moment he wondered if he was being selfish because he was confused and angry.

  Michael heard the front door slam against the wall to announce Margaret's arrival. She shouted up the stairs, “This is ridiculous. I have to drive twenty minutes to get anywhere worthwhile.” The crinkling of plastic bags accompanied her protest. She stopped at the top of the stairs and gave Michael puppy dog eyes. “It’s not too late. Your practice has barely gotten off the ground. We can still move back to Sacramento. I bet you could talk to Rob and get your job back at the hospital. I’m still not sure why we moved here anyway.”

  Without hesitation and before he could stop himself, Michael said, “Because you left me.” Margaret’s eyes became wide before she hurried into the kitchen. Michael followed her and watched as she silently put away the groceries.

  “I thought we were past this,” she said without looking at him.

  The heat of anger rose from his stomach to his face. He looked blankly at the floor. “You left me. So, I started a new life in a new place and with new people. Then you came back and told me that I have a responsibility to fulfill, but that doesn't mean I had to go back to my old life. You left me. You have to deal with the consequences.” He spoke to her in a stern, low voice; one that he had never used with her because he always tried to avoid fighting with her. They had only had one real fight before about something so petty that he couldn’t remember what it was, but it had reduce Margaret to tears. His heart ached watching her cry, so he avoided confrontation with her the best he could, and he was pretty good at it. Now, he couldn’t contain himself. He had to know the truth, and Margaret fell into hysterics.

  She sat in a kitchen chair, put her face in her hands, and began to cry. “Why are you doing this to me? I'm carrying your child. Don't blame me for this. That’s not fair because we each did our part. ”

  Michael slowly raised his head and moved to sit next to Margaret. “Calm down,” he said. He did not reach out or speak softly to comfort her. Margaret continued to sob for a few more moments, but he just looked at her and said nothing. She wiped her tears and sat up straight; it was as if nothing had happened. In the past, if she hinted that she might cry Michael would give her whatever she wanted to calm her down. She wasn’t going to get him to back down today. He had to get some answers.

  She picked up her purse and sta
rted moving toward the other end of the house. “Stop.” She followed his command but didn’t turn around to face him. “Before we move forward any further, I need to know: are you having my child?”

  “Excuse me?” Margaret whipped around and glared at Michael, but he remained stoic.

  He looked back at her and calmly said, “It's a simple question with a one word answer. All I need right now is for you to answer it quickly and honestly. Are you having my child?”

  Margaret clenched her jaw, shifted her purse on her shoulder and crossed her arms under her breasts. “Why would you ask me that?”

  Michael was beginning to get angry. She was avoiding his question and was confirming his worst fears. “I have a right to know if you are actually carrying my child. I have completely changed my life for this baby. I need proof that it exists.”

  “I sent you the sound of its heartbeat. What more do you want?”

  She began to leave again, but stopped when Michael asked, “When's your next appointment?”

  Margaret's eyes became wide. “I-I don't know.”

  “I'm going with you. What's your doctor's phone number? I'll call and find out when I should take you in. Give me your phone.”

  “No. You can't do that.”

  Michael stood up and walked over to her. “Why not?”

  “That’s an invasion of privacy. I have a right to go alone.”

  Michael held out his hand. “Give me your phone.”

  “Fine.” Margaret dug into her purse. “I don’t think the number is in my phone. I’ve been using the office phone to make my appointments. It’s more convenient.” She placed the phone in his palm.

  “What’s your doctor’s name?”

  “Fernandez. Louisa Fernandez.”

  Michael navigated through the phone’s menu and pulled up the call log. His head jerked back when he saw the first several entries. He scrolled down the list and saw that she had been making calls to this number for months.

  “What the hell is this? Why are you calling Rob Breyer at least three times a day?”

  Michael felt guilt wash over him. Maybe Margaret was really sick, but when he looked up at her and saw the fear in her eyes, the guilt went away.

  She didn't say anything. He could see her thinking and trying to come up with something, and eventually she said, “I could be pregnant.”

  Michael caught the rage in the back of his throat. “What the hell does that mean?” Michael looked at her with a mixture of disbelief, rage, and sadness. He’d have to get back to the phone calls, but right now he didn't want to believe that someone would lie so deliberately, so selfishly, so completely.

  Margaret shook her hands violently at the wrists. Her breath became labored, and she went on the defense. “I was pregnant!”

  “Explain.” Michael was growing angrier than he ever had been in his life. He was unsure that he wanted to hear what she had to say. He didn't know if he could believe anything she said.

  Margaret struggled to come up with an explanation. She looked all around the room but wouldn’t look directly at Michael. Every moment she took to delay her story he believed her a little less. She looked over Michael’s shoulder blankly. “I had a miscarriage. I didn't want to tell you because I thought you would be angry.” Her voice was calm, but she wrung her hands tightly.

  “When? When did you have the miscarriage?” He wasn't going to let her lie.

  “Right after I got here. It must have been the plane and the altitude, but you were so nice to me. I couldn't tell you the truth.”

  “I would have known, Margaret. I would have known if you had a miscarriage while we were living in a 200 square-foot motel room. I think I know you well enough to know that you would have freaked out if you were having a miscarriage.”

  She wasn't listening to his words and instead continued on with seemingly scripted language. “I figured no one would notice if the baby was a little late. We shouldn't have moved. I told you; we shouldn't have moved.”

  “Margaret, if you had miscarried after you had gotten here I would have known. If you had miscarried the doctor would have told you that you couldn’t get pregnant again for a couple of months and that you wouldn't need ovulation strips two weeks after getting here.”

  “But I did, and if the baby was a little late...”

  “Three months. You didn't think anyone would notice if you gave birth three months late, if you were lucky enough to get pregnant right away.”

  “But I...”

  “Stop, Margaret.” He turned away from her and put his hands on his head. “You lied to me. You left me, and I started a new life. Then you took my new life and ruined it, for what? Why would you do this?” He voice was stern but soft. He did not really want an answer; he was mostly trying to figure it all out in his head.

  “After I left you, I realized that you were the only guy who had ever been nice to me. I had to get you back. When I found out that you were moving across the country, I tried to call you and see you to get you to stay, but you ignored me. When I found out that you were seeing someone else, I had to do something to get you back. So I followed you out here and told you I was pregnant hoping you would leave her and come back to Sacramento. I didn't think that you would move me across the country.” She began sobbing uncontrollably. “You were happy without me. You can't be happy without me. I need you.”

  “And Rob? How does he play into all of this? Why are you calling him?”

  Margaret looked at her hands. “Michael, don’t do this. It’s over between us. I just needed to get some stuff back.”

  Michael ran his fingers through his hair. “What do you mean it’s over?” He moved back to the chair and sat down. “Were you cheating on me with him?”

  Margaret rushed over to him and knelt on the floor. “It’s not like that. He tricked me and made me think that we were in love. He said he wanted to be with me forever, so I left you. When he didn’t leave his wife, I realized that I actually love you, but you were gone. We could be happy now. I could make you happy. Let’s forget about Rob and Caitlyn and focus on this.”

  Michael sat in silence. Margaret cheated on him with that spineless moron. The one who he called a friend and stood up for with the other ER doctors. The one that made his schedule with all those overnight shifts.

  “You were never pregnant?”

  Margaret shook her head. “I’m sorry. It was the only way you would come back to me.”

  He looked at her with disgust. Everything he knew about her was a lie. “I thought I was stuck with you. When you left, you tore my heart out, but I came to appreciate that because I fell in love again with Caitlyn. When you told me you were pregnant, I sucked it up and took it like any good future dad would, but I was miserable because you broke my heart all over again. There was a time where I thought we could have been happy forever, but apparently I was delusional. I could never be happy with you.”

  Margaret took in several short, quick breaths to try to stop crying. She regained enough composure to say, “But Michael, we could be happy, if we tried.” She grabbed his hands and squeezed them tightly. “I love you.”

  “I don’t want to try. I don’t love you anymore, and I will never love you again. I want you to leave.” He stood up and looked at her intently. “I am going to go out for a few hours. I'll ship your stuff where ever you want, just leave an address.” Michael walked across the room, grabbed his checkbook off the counter, and began scribbling in it as he moved back to Margaret, who remained kneeling on the floor. “Here's $1000. Please don’t be here when I get back.” Michael tore the check out and placed it on the coffee table. He grabbed his jacket from the banister, and left.

  He had to see Caitlyn. He had to apologize. He wanted to hold her in his arms and say he was sorry over and over. She would have to understand, right? He thought that Margaret was having his child. He acted irrationally to protect the child. He hoped that they could just go back. Back to the night he came home from Sacramento. Back to thinking
about their future.

  He scrolled through his contacts for Caitlyn's number. He held the phone up to his ear, but it did not ring even once. It went straight to her voicemail message. The sound of her voice made him only more desperate to see her. He then tried her home phone. It rang until Michael pulled up to Caitlyn's house. It was lifeless. He parked and went up to the door anyway. He knocked several times before giving up and sitting on her stoop. He placed his head in his hands and cursed. He couldn't believe how screwed up this was. He was filled with hot anger that pulsed through his head, and he punched his fist into the wooden porch floor.

  He couldn't believe that this could happen to him. He thought he was more observant, and that he was a better judge of character, but Margaret had completely fooled him. He had trusted her without question and left Caitlyn alone. He thought he was doing the right thing. Caitlyn had no reason to forgive him. If he were in her position, he didn’t know if he could forgive easily.

  He stood up quickly and jogged to his car. The hospital or her mother’s house, he thought. She could be in either place.

  He drove around Worcester searching for her, but Cat was asleep and alone at the hospital and her house was as quiet as Caitlyn’s. He wouldn't find Caitlyn tonight. Of all the nights, this is the one when he needed and wanted her the most.

  CHAPTER 20