No Holding Back

by Dresden, Amanda

  “Well, you guys have fun. I gotta fuckin’ sleep. I was up all mornin’ pukin’ my guts out. I’m never doing that shit again.”

  “Yeah, you will,” Wade said casually.

  “Yeah, yeah. Just wake me up when we get there…”

  Joe dragged his body like a zombie to his room until the plastic crackling of his partition could be heard. Now, it was just Wade and Chris.

  Chris’ heartbeat picked up again when she saw Wade staring at her out of the corner of her eye. She thought that if any more blood went to her face, she’d pass out.

  “Wade?”

  “Hmm?” he mumbled, staring at her like a priceless painting at an art studio.

  “Can I uhm…can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  Chris fiddled with the drawstrings on her hoodie before she built up enough courage to speak. "This thing. You know? Between you and me? This doesn’t change anything, does it?”

  Wade’s eyebrows came together. “Whadd’ya mean?”

  “I mean…I still get to play drums and everything, right?”

  Wade closed his eyes and sighed in relief.

  “Are you kidding me!? Hell yeah I want you to! I want us all to keep playing till we’re fuckin’ old and gray if…if you’re still willin’ to hang with us.”

  It was as if someone lifted an enormous weight of Chris’ shoulders and she began breathing easy again. Sure, what she experienced with Wade was amazing, but she loved her drums with everything she had. Some part of her still told her it was all she had.

  Wade was equally as happy and could barely contain his own excitement. At the moment, he starting to feel like his luck couldn’t get any better.

  He leaned into her slightly, fighting every urge to keep his dirty hands to himself.

  “Just keep doin’ what you’re doin’ and I’ll make sure we ride this shit as long as possible.”

  He wanted to tell her more; like how the mere thought of her playing drums turned him the hell on, that he was doing everything imaginable at that point to keep a certain part of his anatomy in check. Instead, he just smiled at her.

  She smiled back in equal attraction. “Thanks.”

  “You really love this stuff, don’t you?”

  “Heh. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t play anymore. I think I’d go out of my mind.”

  He smiled again, counting his lucky stars that a genius like Chris managed to get into the audition. Fate seemed to shine on Heretic when Wade knew she was, without question, the most talented musician he had ever laid eyes on.

  But not once did she ever let it go to her head. Not many played just to play, but Chris lived it up. Somehow, he knew it wouldn’t have bothered her in the least if they lived the rest of their lives on the road.

  “You tired?”

  Chris shrugged her shoulders. “Mmm. A little.”

  “C’mere,” Wade got up out of his seat and gestured for Chris’ hand.

  “What? Why?”

  “Just c’mere!”

  He grabbed her by the hand making her follow him to the back until they stopped at Wade’s partition. As he drew it aside for her, Chris stood in disbelief when she got a real good look at his room for the first time.

  “Whoa.”

  As she stepped inside, she saw posters of bands that Wade idolized, pinned up everywhere. He had pictures of himself with fans and celebrities alike thumb-tacked all over the wall and ceiling. Chris was sure she spotted a few newspaper clippings as well detailing Heretic’s success over the years. Wade stepped in behind her and sat on the corner of his bed as Chris continued to be star struck.

  “So, this is where the famous Wade Griffin sleeps.”

  He smiled and tugged at her hand, but it was then that Chris noticed something else.

  “Hey…your bed is bigger than mine!”

  “I get star treatment,” he winked.

  He then pulled her close to him in one sharp jerk and buried his head into her chest, causing her to giggle uncontrollably. When he looked back up at the woman of his dreams, he felt a little star struck himself.

  “So, what do you think?" he asked, gesturing to his bed. "Do you think it’s big enough for two?”

  As Wade’s question sunk in, Chris’ face became white and pale and within seconds, she became flustered.

  “Chris, you okay?”

  “Y-Yeah. I just…uhm. I’ll be right back.”

  And without another word, Chris tore out of Wade’s embrace and walked out of his room appearing as though she couldn’t get out fast enough.

  Not entirely clear on just happened, Wade got up and walked to Chris’ room. When he pulled back the partition, he already found her curled up into a ball and lying on her bed.

  As quietly as he could, he stepped inside and pulled the partition closed behind him and sat at the other end of her bed.

  “Chris?" he began, shaking his head in confusion. "Look uh…I’m really sorry-.”

  Chris whispered, “It’s okay.”

  “Too much? Too fast?” Wade guessed.

  Chris sat up slowly, but she couldn’t look Wade in the eye just yet.

  “It’s just a lot to take in all at once, y’know? Like I said before, I’ve been here for a while but it’s still hard to believe. I’m living my dream every day and I’m just afraid that one day…I’ll wake up.”

  “Fair enough,” he nodded.

  But then, Wade couldn’t help but notice something that Chris did only when she was close to him.

  “Hey, Chris?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Why is it that whenever I get close you, you kinda push me away? Do I stink?” he joked.

  But her expression was anything but light-hearted.

  “I-I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “It’s just a stupid defense mechanism.”

  “From what?” Wade asked, but he bit his tongue. He already knew the answer, but the light bulb didn’t come on soon enough. “I-I’m sorry, Chris. I didn’t mean t-.”

  “Don’t worry about it," she said quickly. “You’re not the one who raped me.”

  Wade’s head fell to his chest and he slumped down further onto Chris’ bed. He was certain that if he ever met that son of a bitch, he’d put him at the other end of a baseball bat.

  “Chris…I’m so sorry.”

  She shrugged her shoulders in response but then sunk back down into her bed, drawing up the covers around her almost protectively. As much as Wade’s inner-beast wanted to ravish Chris, he knew it was out of the question. So instead, he took off his shoes and fell into bed with her, cradling her in his own protective embrace.

  Chapter 17

  It felt good to be ‘home’ again. Heretic’s short reprieve at the hotel left Chris with a sort of gap to where after a few days, her hands felt like they were tingling. She had been away from her drums for too long and her hands were punishing her for it. At one point, it got so bad, it felt like bees were stinging her fingers.

  Right before they were set to go on stage, Wade was hit with a sudden bout of anxiety - owing it up that their relationship might have an adverse effect on the way they both played. He feared a small part of Chris wouldn’t be the same after that night in the hotel but he was never glad to be so wrong.

  He looked back at her several times to find her completely lost in her zone. The only time she looked at him was to pick up the queue to begin the next song.

  But Chris did play differently. The truth was, since the night at the hotel, they were both on cloud nine. In fact, she played better than she ever had while on the road with Heretic. She felt invincible, untouchable, and coupled with her Snakeskin drumsticks, there wasn’t anything she couldn’t do.

  Even Wade couldn’t deny his own playing and his singing felt like someone turned up his internal volume. He heard himself hitting notes with his powerful lungs that he never could before. Heretic was gorging themselves on success and the metal community was taking notice. After far too long, Hess’ crime tha
t hung over their heads now seemed a distant memory.

  While not on the bus, Wade had to keep a proverbial lock on his lust while in public. He had to be careful so that he didn’t look or touch Chris in a way that might seem suspicious.

  But such a simple task was torture. And one such mistake almost cost him.

  On their way back to the bus after a concert and surrounded by a sea of people, Wade smacked Chris on the butt. It earned him an evil look from her and after realizing his mistake, he did the same thing to Joe and Os, playing it off as a ‘good job guys’.

  Joe took it well, even shoving his butt at Wade and urging him to do it again - telling him that he had been ‘naughty’. But Os’ temper turned foul and despite Wade’s apologies, he made it clear that no one should be touching his ass - not even his brother.

  Often, Chris and Wade would wait in angst for Os and Joe to go to bed before they attacked each other with ruthless abandon. And by then, it was all Chris could do to keep Wade from undressing her right at the front of the bus. At random times, Wade would count down from five - barely giving Chris a head start before he would start chasing her.

  But even a month later, nothing seemed to deviate from the new norm other than the fact that Wade rarely got Chris to sleep with him in his room. More often than not, he would curl up next to her on her bed long enough for Joe to come trudging in – telling them they had an hour to get ready before their next show.

  After spending so much time together, Wade was impressed with Chris’ ability to continue to be a guy. She still didn’t complain or even so much as want recognition. But soon, something had to give, and Wade had another feeling in his gut that just wouldn’t go away.

  One night before a show in Denver, Wade was getting dressed in the bathroom. He knew Chris and Pete were the only souls left on the bus. Os had already left with Joe to help set up with the rest of Heretic’s crew.

  The huge bus rocked slightly due to fans wanting to get a sneak peek at Heretic. Of course it was nothing new. Fans with all-access passes seemed to accompany them wherever they went. By now, Wade grew accustomed to the yelling and screaming, even as he finished spraying his hair in place.

  “Chris? You ‘bout ready?” Wade called from the bathroom.

  There was no answer.

  Wade finished up and walked out, finding Chris planted in her seat.

  “Chris? You alright-?"

  His voice trailed off when he saw her sitting at the booth, staring out the window of the bus while fans screamed from outside.

  Her beanie and hoodie was off and she rested her bare face against the glass while she traced the palm of someone’s hand. Chris sighed against the tinted windows at the muffled sound of her name being.

  Wade made no attempt to be quiet as he approached Chris until he stood right behind her. She sighed again and left a small fog on the glass.

  “Hey.”

  Surprised, Chris looked up from the window, but found it was only Wade. She smiled weakly in response.

  “Hey.”

  “C’mere," he begged, gesturing for her hand.

  She gave it to him and allowed him to pull her in close.

  “Chris. I want you to know how much this means to us…to me.”

  “It’s no big deal," she tried shaking off.

  “It’s a huge deal.”

  Wade fought the temptation to kiss her while he spoke with an underlying conviction in his voice.

  “You’ve sacrificed everything about yourself - who you are…just to play.”

  “You know I love this stuff.”

  “I know, I know,” he sighed. “But one day, they’ll see you." And with a nod of his head, he gestured out the window. “They’ll see you how I see you.”

  Chris’ eyes grew moist in response, but she sniffed away the emotional upset and allowed her head to fall on Wade’s chest. Wade held her in return and pressed his lips against her forehead before Chris finally put some space between them.

  “So, you ready or what?” Wade asked in an upbeat manner.

  In response, she smiled and placed her beanie and hoodie back over her head.

  “Lead the way.”

  Before they walked off, Wade knocked on Pete’s partition, giving him the signal to let them out. Just as they stepped off and into the fray, Wade made a mental note to call Mike later. Fans with full-access passes were driving him crazy.

  Chapter 18

  Ever since they hit the road to their next show, Chris pounded on her invisible drums and that was five hours ago. In her own world, she wasn’t sitting at the front of the bus across from Joe. She was in her secret place - a place no one ever knew about. A place she knew she would never be bothered. It was just her and her drums.

  She beat mercilessly on the toms until her forearms stung with pain.

  “Chris…”

  She was there. She was it - the beat. The beat and her. It consumed her until not even the sound of her heartbeat could be heard. The drums were her heartbeat. It was that simple.

  “Chris.”

  She thundered louder, harder, until even her shin started to shake violently from hitting the bass drum. She had this - no music was past her understanding or her comprehension.

  “CHRIS!”

  Chris snapped out from her seat in a rush of panic. She felt as though someone shot her, but when she looked around the bus, she found only the rest of Heretic staring at her. It wasn’t like she didn’t do this before, but somehow, something was different. Even Os stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

  “Yeah?” she asked her speechless audience.

  Wade said nothing and only nodded in the direction of the flat screen television that hung at the front of the bus.

  Chris followed his gesture and gave her attention to the TV show that came on. She tried collecting her thoughts as best she could when Axel Freeman, the host of Metal Madness, appeared and began to talk excitedly to some nameless co-host.

  “-that shit! You heard it here first! Battle of the Bands will be hosting their first Drummer’s Competition-!”

  Chris became sober in a second and got up from her seat, inching towards the television screen.

  “-and this bad ass event that you won’t wanna miss will be in California! That’s right, bitches! All the top bands will be there and you should too and while-!”

  As Axel continued to speak, Chris got as close to the TV screen as she could and froze.

  “-so get your ass on over to the Anaheim Convention Center on August 7th where once again, I’ll be hosting along with past rock legends. And to all of you drummers out there: the winner gets one hundred thousand dollars and of course….bragging rights!”

  As soon as it cut to commercial, Chris turned and faced the rest of the group, but it was Joe who spoke up first.

  “Holy shit. August seventh? But that’s just three weeks away!”

  But his voice was nothing more than an echoing mess in Chris’ head. She squeezed her drumsticks so hard in her hands they pinched her delicate skin. A fascinating realization came to her: this was her chance.

  While Joe squealed with excitement, Chris made straight for her room, unable to hear Wade call her name. She was too busy trying to process everything she had heard Axel say as she ducked into her room. A part of her thought that someone was playing a sick, evil joke on her and yet the other part told her she was still dreaming - that none of this was real. She didn’t want to think that she was still lying on her seat up front - lost in her zone.

  She pinched herself - twice. But the golden opportunity was still there, just three precious weeks away.

  She stood frozen in her room and didn’t care about Wade’s intrusion when he came in behind her. Chris was still in a daze when a single question blared in front of her.

  What would it be like to not have to hide anymore?

  “Hey,” Wade said, putting his hand on her shoulder.

  Finally, Chris snapped out of her stupor and turned to face Wade. />
  “You know what this means?”

  “Yeah, I know what it means," he answered quietly.

  “I-I-I-I can finally get out there and be who I am! I’ll fucking win that piece of shit competition and-!”

  “I know you could win, Chris! But that’s not what bothers me!” Wade said, shaking her slightly. “It’s just…something about this doesn’t feel right.”

  Chris wrinkled her nose.

  “Whadd’ya mean?”

  Wade tested his gut again, but like before, it fluttered and tossed like had the worst case of nausea.

  “I can’t put my finger on it. I just get the feeling that…this was planned.”

  Chris’ shoulders fell. “Of course it’s planned,” she groaned. “Our venues are always planned.”

  Wade rolled his eyes.

  “That’s not what I meant. Did you happen to see who’s hosting our little ‘competition’?” Chris did, but she didn’t give a damn.

  “Wade, please,” she begged, on the verge of tears. “I could care less if that shit-eating boyfriend of yours wants to compare cock sizes! You know I got this! You know-!”

  “I know!” he said, raising his voice. Chris jumped, but Wade regretted it, placing his hands on her shoulders in a comforting fashion.

  He sighed and took a deep breath.

  “I know, Chris. I know you can beat every drummer out there. You can beat any one of those posers into the ground. But I also know Rick is behind this. Dark Water is just trying to draw you out-!”

  “But you won’t let them, right?!” she argued. “If you’re by me twenty-four seven, then what the hell are you so afraid of?”

  Wade took a mental step back and wondered that himself. Even though his gut was doing back flips, he knew there was no way he’d let anything happen to her. But he still couldn’t help but think back on that awful feeling he had the one and only time he lost her.

  As much as he wanted Chris to himself and to keep her hidden away from the world forever, he knew that telling her ‘no’ would make him appear utterly selfish.

  As she stared back up at Wade with her best puppy-dog eyes, Joe burst into the room with Wade’s phone in hand.