Captain Fin

by Amanda M. Thrasher

  Slipping a nausea pill under her tongue, Gloria splashed cold water on her face and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for the medicine to kick in. A fresh set of clothes, a brush through her hair, and a swipe of lipstick was all she could manage. Hannah didn’t seem to notice that the rest of her makeup was incomplete, and surely Cash wouldn’t either. He arrived on time and brought a bouquet of flowers for Gloria.

  “Suck up,” Hannah teased, kissing him on the cheek for being so thoughtful.

  Gloria did her best to entertain, making small talk through dinner, before casually dismissing the teens to do their own thing.

  “Well, I’m sure you kids have got better things to do than sit here all night with me!” She stood up, hugged Cash, and tried to end the evening as politely as possible. “It was so lovely visiting with you this evening, Cash, and thank you again for the beautiful flowers.”

  The two teens stood up as well, and Hannah started to clear the dishes.

  “No. Leave those! You two get out of here!” Turning to Cash, Gloria said, “Please have Hannah home by midnight, and have fun.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he replied, grabbing Hannah’s hand as they said their goodbyes.

  Hannah kissed her mom on the cheek, and though Gloria usually would have walked them to the door, she simply couldn’t manage it. As beads of sweat formed on her forehead, and fearing she’d throw up if she moved, she couldn’t get them out of the house fast enough. As soon as the door closed behind them, Gloria ran to the kitchen sink as the vomit rushed up her throat. Painful dry heaves followed, and she felt as if she were dying right then and there. Her ribs and stomach ached as her body violently shook with each hurl that produced nothing but bile. Finally able to inch away from the kitchen sink to the bedroom, she collapsed onto the bed. The dishes would have to wait. Taking deep breaths, she took another Zofran and tried to sleep off the sick feeling that had consumed her. For the first time in her life, Gloria didn’t wait up for Hannah to come home or even check her phone for a call or text that evening. The moment she realized what had happened, her heart broke! It was getting close. She had no choice; she would have to tell her little girl, turned young lady, the truth soon. She was on borrowed time and she knew it.

  Chapter 18

  Time Is Ticking

  Anger

  Sadness

  Helplessness and despair

  Deception is lingering in the air!

  Heart is breaking

  And now I’m scared

  Panicking as I lay in bed

  ~ Hannah Gunner ~

  Time wasn’t on Gloria’s side, and for the first time since her diagnosis, she felt it. Hesitantly, she picked up her cell phone and called her oncologist. A brief conversation with the doctor confirmed her fears; she was running out of time and had no choice but to tell Hannah what was going on. It didn’t matter anyway; it was inevitable that she’d figure it out soon enough. It was best to come from Gloria herself. Picking up the phone, she called her sister. As much as she knew she owed Hannah the truth, she couldn’t do it by herself.

  “I’ll be there, don’t worry.”

  “Yes. I just don’t think I can bear to look Hannah in the face and deliver this news. She’s already been through so much over the years.”

  “I’ll be there shortly, unless you need me right now?”

  Gloria shook her head but realized Kathy couldn’t see her. “No. Hannah’s at work anyway,” she managed to say as the tears that had welled up in her eyes spilled over her eyelids and ran down her cheeks.

  Why now? Why couldn’t it be in a year when Hannah graduated? The doctor had said it was possible, stranger things had happened, even though it was unlikely that she’d last that long.

  Hannah was working until 10:00 that night. It was the first time Gloria didn’t fuss at her about the late hour. Over and over again she repeated the words that she wanted to say in her head, but nothing sounded right.

  “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. It’s okay. I’m not scared, and I feel fine.”

  She wasn’t fine—she was terrified! She was angry! And she didn’t want to leave her daughter! She felt terrible all the time, was in pain, and physically nauseous more times than not. How in the hell was she supposed to abandon her daughter after all they’d been through? What was Hannah supposed to do? Her head was spinning, and to make matters worse, she broke out in a cold sweat. Clammy, shaking, and sick to her stomach, she called Kathy, who had just arrived, into her bedroom.

  “I can’t do it. I don’t know what to say.”

  Kathy took her sister by the arm and helped her into the living room. She curled up under a blanket on the couch, and Kathy cradled her in her arms. Gloria looked like a shell of herself, and as if she’d aged ten years overnight.

  It was 10:15; Hannah would be home any minute. How would she even begin? And maybe she was making a mistake telling her this late at night. Second-guessing herself, Gloria asked Kathy what she should do.

  “Should I wait until tomorrow morning to tell her about this mess? You know, let her have a good night’s sleep?”

  Kathy held her distraught sister’s hand.

  “I think that’s a good idea, actually; let her have a good night’s rest. We’ll tell her she’s staying home tomorrow so she can sleep in, and that we need to talk to her.”

  “But she’ll know something’s not right if we tell her not to go to school,” Gloria insisted.

  “She’s going to know something’s up if I’m spending the night,” Kathy responded.

  Gloria knew she was right.

  “Besides, I’ll handle the school part,” Kathy added. “You go on to bed. I’ll wait up for Hannah. I’ll tell her what we’ve already discussed, and you can get some rest.”

  Gloria didn’t put up a fight. Feebly she walked back down the hallway to her room, climbed into bed, and drifted off to sleep. Hannah arrived at 10:30. Kathy was sitting at the kitchen table. Alarmed, Hannah asked where her mom was.

  “Hi ya! What are you doing here?” Realizing how that sounded, Hannah quickly apologized. “I didn’t mean it like that. Where’s Mom? Is she sick again?”

  Kathy tried to force a smile, but she couldn’t hide the fact that she was trembling. Patting the tabletop in front of her, she pointed to a seat at the opposite side of the kitchen table.

  “Join me a second, will you?”

  Hannah sat down, eyes searching her aunt’s face for answers to questions she hadn’t asked yet.

  “What’s going on?”

  Kathy reached over the table and held Hannah’s hands in hers. “We have some news that we’d like to share with you, but it’s your mom’s news to tell, and it does have to do with her not feeling well lately. In fact, she’s resting now. So, good news for you! You can sleep in tomorrow, spend the day with us, and we’ll chat in the morning, yeah?

  “Is it bad? Should I be worried?” Hannah asked nervously.

  Kathy tried to lie, knowing time was ticking, but she wasn’t very good at it. “You know as much as me. I don’t know, but your mom will fill us in tomorrow.” Half smiling, she walked over and kissed the top of Hannah’s head. “Let’s look at this as a girls’ day in! Sound good?”

  Hannah nodded, but worry swept over her. Lying in bed that night, Hannah FaceTimed Cash.

  “Something’s up, and I’m not sure what, but something’s definitely wrong.”

  “I’m going miss seeing you tomorrow, but if it’s not your idea to take off, can you still go out tomorrow night?”

  Hannah laughed. “Seems reasonable to me, assuming everything is okay. All I can say is, if she throws another move at me, after she promised this was the last move, I’m going to tell her that I’m staying here.”

  “You can stay with me,” Cash offered, already knowing that was impossible. “I hope that’s not it, but glad you have options to stay.”

  “Thanks! But I’m pretty sure Aunt Kathy will let me stay with her; she has an extra room, and I’m w
orking. I could pay rent if necessary.”

  She looked worried, and Cash didn’t think he had the words to make her feel better, but he was wrong. Right before they hung up, he said something he’d never even hinted at before.

  “Hey.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I do love you, you know. It’s going to be okay, whatever it is.”

  Taken off guard by the words he’d just said, Hannah’s stomach filled with butterflies. She’d had those feelings for him for some time, but had never mentioned it to anyone, including Lindsey. Her palms were sweaty as the excitement that she felt rushed over her. Cheeks red, she repeated what he’d said.

  “Well, you know I love you, too.”

  Laughing out loud, Cash nodded. “Well, I’d hoped so. But I guess I do now, know you love me, that is!”

  Their goodnights were sweeter that night than they’d ever been, which was just as well, because the next morning was going to be hell. Hannah reached for her journal, jotted down a few lines, and lay in bed with the sound of Cash’s voice saying those incredible three words, I love you, running through her head.

  Chapter 19

  Fix It

  This is wrong, damn it!

  Just wrong.

  Fix it and make it go away!

  ~ Hannah Gunner ~

  Tossing and turning all night, Hannah felt as if she hadn’t slept a wink. But as the smell of fresh coffee wafting down the hallway and into her bedroom woke her up, she realized she must have drifted off at some point. The last one out of bed, she entered the kitchen, and to her surprise, her mom and Kathy seemed in good spirits. Surely that was a good sign; maybe she’d worried all night for nothing? Wishful thinking, perhaps, but Hannah was running with that. Scrambling eggs and buttering toast, Kathy asked if she’d like some breakfast. Hannah shook her head. No appetite; the thought of eating did not appeal to her at all.

  “No, thanks.”

  “Eat something. It’s not often we all have breakfast together,” Gloria insisted. “Look, we’re all at the same table.”

  Hannah shrugged and sat down opposite her mom. Kathy poured another cup of coffee and sat it in front of her.

  “Cream?”

  Hannah nodded.

  “Sugar?”

  She declined.

  Curious why they’d asked her to stay home but scared to bring it up, Hannah waited. A text from Lindsey made her smile.

  Lindsey: Did the bomb drop yet?

  She answered it quickly—no—and put her phone away, but not before responding to a text from Cash that made her light up from the inside out without realizing it.

  Cash: Hope everything goes well. Love you.

  Hannah: Thanks. Love you, too.

  Her smile was noticeable, but no one asked what was going on. Hannah needed something in her life that made her smile, and Gloria was happy to let her have a moment. Giving her some space regarding the text seemed like the least they could do. In all honesty, Gloria and Kathy were tiptoeing around each other, trying to figure out how to approach the elephant in the room: Gloria’s condition.

  “Was Kathy still up when you came home last night?” her mom asked. “I laid down and was out before you came home.”

  Hannah nodded. Her mouth filled with egg and toast, she took a swig of coffee and answered.

  “Yes. She said we’re having a girls day in today.”

  Kathy was picking at her food, and Hannah noticed that her mom still had the same amount of food on her plate as when they had sat down to eat. Hannah seemed to be the only one eating at all, and she wasn’t even hungry! Not being able to stand it any longer, Hannah broke the ice and asked the question that they were dreading to answer.

  “So what’s going on? Why am I home from school today?”

  Gloria opened her mouth to speak, but Kathy interrupted.

  “If you’re done eating, I think we should move into the living room, don’t you?” She turned toward Gloria for approval, who didn’t object. “It’s a tad more comfortable for the type of conversation we’re about to have, don’t you agree?” Once again she glanced at her sister, and Gloria nodded.

  Reluctantly, both Hannah and Gloria walked into the other room. Hannah sat in the large recliner in the corner, and Kathy perched protectively next to her sister on the couch. Hannah suddenly felt scared, especially when Gloria reached over and held her sister’s hand tightly in hers. It was the first indication that something was terribly wrong. Kathy looked into Gloria’s eyes and, without saying a word, Gloria knew she was asking who should speak first. Gloria responded by squeezing Kathy’s hand and lowering her eyes.

  “There’s no easy way to say this, sweetheart,” Gloria started. “So I’m going to do my best to explain what’s going on without upsetting you.”

  Hannah noticed that Kathy was trying not to cry, and suddenly panic set in.

  “Just say it; you’re killing me here,” Hannah snapped, and immediately felt terrible for being so angry.

  “I’ve not been feeling well for some time.” Gloria took a deep breath. “In fact, you might have noticed I’ve been tired, nauseous and well, to put it best, not quite myself.”

  Hannah’s heart skipped a beat. “Well, go to the doctor!”

  Gloria half smiled, knowing Hannah knew that she’d had many doctor visits, and the way she said it, so matter-of-factly, sounded just like something Hank would immediately have said. It made her think of him. Well, get on with it! Before Gloria could say another word, Hannah jumped in with another response.

  “Whatever’s going on, get a second opinion, or a different doctor if what they’re doing isn’t working.” She stood up, walked over to her mom, and sat down next to her. “Wait, what is it?” She stopped herself. The look on her mom’s face told her she wasn’t in the mood for small talk or petty responses. Her mom was worried!

  “Mom,” Hannah asked nervously. “What’s wrong with you?”

  Kathy glanced over at Hannah as Gloria mumbled the words out loud.

  “I have Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia, commonly known as CML.”

  Hannah, stunned, had no idea what that was, but knew enough to know it didn’t sound good! Her line of questioning, more like an interrogation, began.

  “What is that, exactly?” Taking a deep breath, Hannah whispered, as if she daren’t say the words out loud. “Is it a type of cancer?” She took another deep breath. “Are you saying you have cancer?”

  Gloria nodded. “Yes. It’s the type of cancer where a mutated gene starts producing contaminated or diseased blood cells. Automatically.” Her hands were shaking, but she tried to explain to Hannah what the illness was, an illness that felt more like a death sentence.

  “I know you’ve probably noticed I’ve been more tired than usual and have had trouble eating because I feel nauseous.” She hesitated. “I haven’t been completely honest with you about why, up until now, because I didn’t want to worry you, but the medications they’re using make me feel sick at times.”

  Hannah stared at her blankly. “Medications? You mean, like, chemo?”

  Gloria nodded again. “I couldn’t even wait up for you to come home the other night and ask about your date with Cash.” Smiling. “You know I wanted to hear all about that, or as many of the details as you would have shared.”

  Hannah couldn’t think; her mind was racing ninety-to-nothing. She’d had a feeling something wasn’t right with her mom, but she had no idea it was this. Gloria looked as if she was about to break down, so Kathy, fighting back her own tears, graciously stepped in and continued.

  “Hannah, your mom started treatment as soon as they finally diagnosed her. You can’t tell, but she has a port already surgically implanted. Right now she’s also taking oral meds; they’re constantly adjusting and switching them around, and that’s part of the reason she feels sick.”

  Gloria unzipped her oversized sweatshirt and revealed the port. “It’s not too bad, really. This way, the nurses don’t have to stick me over and over, and
the doctors can request blood tests, administer drugs, give me fluids, all kinds of things right from here without having to stick me all of the time.” Forcing a smile, she added, “Despite what it looks like, it’s a good thing.”

  “Does it hurt?” Hannah asked meekly. “The port?”

  Gloria shook her head. “I promise, sweetheart, it doesn’t hurt.”

  In shock, Hannah felt as if the walls were closing in around her. Gasping for air, she tried to breathe. How had she not known? A million questions she needed and wanted to ask, but not knowing where to start, she struggled for the words. Tears welled up in her eyes, and when she could hold them back no more, they poured over her lids and streamed uncontrollably down her cheeks. Without saying a word, Gloria reached for her daughter and pulled her into her arms, cradling her, rocking her, and stroking her hair as Hannah sobbed uncontrollably. Crying and crying, barely catching her breath at times, right then at that moment, on the couch in the living room of their two-bedroom apartment, their whole world stood still as it fell apart!

  “Are you going to be all right?” Hannah whispered. “As horrible as this is, it’s curable, right?”

  Kathy stared at her sister as if looking for an answer as well. Gloria’s eyes were watery as she struggled for the right words to say. Kathy once again jumped to her sister’s aid and helped her out.

  “They’re doing everything they can. Your mom has started treatment in an outpatient center. It’s close to home, and they’ve switched her chemo, for now, to an oral drug. Plus, she’s taking a drug that blocks the tyrosine kinase protein secreted by the BCR-ABL gene.” She took a deep breath. “They think they’ve figured out one drug that she can handle without making her as sick as she’s been, but it will still take your mom some time to get used to.” Proceeding with caution, as if waiting for a reaction from Hannah, Kathy continued explaining Gloria’s treatment plan. Hannah, stunned, sat in the chair motionless. “The meds are strong, and your mom is definitely weaker than she’s ever been, but we do know that the other pills they had her on were making her ill. So the new prescription, once she adapts to it, will really be better for her.”